Ask Me Help Desk - She needs time?

Hello everyone, I've read sandmans story all the way back to June.. I read the whole story, and from what I observed he received very good advice.. I'd like to share my story and would highly appreciate what you guys have to say (advice, opinions, anything!).. I am in the same situation somewhat.. but a little worse.. I'll start by telling you who I am. I'm a 19 year old male. I am a freshman at a university. I have some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for.. I love my family, their very important to me. Up until about 2 months ago, I was the happiest guy ever.. I met my girl in high school my freshman year. She was my first. I was her 2nd. We remained together throughout high school.. I honestly can say I have never felt pain like this before in my life, and I've been through a lot in my life.. I've overcome losing a parent, grandparent, and a best friend in a matter of 3 months.. And now, another best friend/lover.. she was everything to me.. the best thing that ever happened to me.. I did good because of her, she made me want to do well in everything no matter what it was.. Anyways back to the situation at hand.. Toward the end of our relationship.. about 4 months ago.. we started to fight a lot.. she would only come over at night.. we would just go through the motions of being together.. I never realized what I had.. I didn't treat her the best and I realize that.. I took advantage of what I thought her feelings were (I thought I had her wrapped around my finger) thought I could do nethng and she would stay with me.. but nothing really could make her do what she did.. a couple months ago she just up and left. COMPLETELY and I mean completely stopped talking to me.. no matter how I tried.. she would ignore me.. a few times she would text me back in simple answers.. but I could tell she had no desire at all to talk to me.. I finally had a serious talk w her and she said she was highly confused.. she said she didn't know who I was or who she was anymore.. she needed "TIME".. ive already took the wrong start to this by trying to contact her every day.. or close to it.. up until a month ago I've been talking to her about only once a week.. just pointless.. she said she wants to be friends.. but no way that's happening.. its gotten to the point I'm numb.. I cannot stop thinking about her.. everyday it pops in my head at least 5 times.. what do I do!! >?? /

Give her some time, just like she said. Meanwhile start pursuing other activities and dating other people. Get involved in your studies and in groups around campus. Ultimately you do what's good for yourself, not what's good for someone else. She needs to see that you're moving on. Also, don't indulge in self-blame but do a little self-examination and try to honestly assess how you treated her. It's possible that your interpersonal skills need some polishing. That'll serve you well, not only where relationships are concerned but in the academic and professional worlds as well.

She wants time? Give it to her.

Simply disappear. Don't call her or even go to places she frequents (within reason). There is an outside chance that she may begin to sniff around, but that isn't guaranteed.

Well she said that she wasn't seeing anyone, she promised.. and all her friends say the same thing so I am convinced she doesn't want that.. we've already been through that stage.. I don't know how she can just ignore me after 4 and ahalf years.. I don't get it

Quote:

Originally Posted by youneek1988

well she said that she wasnt seeing anyone, she promised..and all her friends say the same thing so i am convinced she doesnt want that..we've already been thru that stage..i dont know how she can just ignore me after 4 and ahalf years..i dont get it

I'm going through a similar situation after a 2 year relationship. I don't think that the length of the relationship is that big of a factor because it really depends on how strongly one person feels toward the other person.

I am trying to make sense of it all too, how could she ignore me, not care about me. It will drive you insane and get you no where. I try not to think about it, but it is hard. It is easier said than done. No this next thing is going to hurt and I am not one that has followed it. Who cares if she's seeing anyone or if HER Friends tell you that too. I am not implying that she is playing mind games with you, but you are setting yourself up for another disappointment, if she is or will be seeing someone. It shouldn't matter, you should focus on yourself and move on. It's going to hurt, but it gets better, as slow as it may seem.

Your pain is probably a total hell with no end in sight and your trying to figure out a way to reconnect with all that you had. Logic will not work nor will painting emotional images to be displayed for her to see. Your pain started rather abruptly, caught you off guard. You were not prepared; from with her to not with her in just a flash. The majority of her pain has been exhausted. For several months she had been in her own little hell and her pain was greatly diminished when she made the move to leave the relationship. At this time it's next to impossible to have a rational discussion with her because your in such different places. In your mind and heart try to consider your hell and her hell combined into just one sad place neither one of you would ever want to see again and each day try to create distance between you and hellsville. You'll only be able to create that distance if your able to understand that your partner was able to create distance the day she left and will continue till she's comfortable. Now if you keep working on it you'll be able to distance yourself from that same place and in time you'll feel more comfortable, more yourself but only then will you understand how important it is for those in relationships to keep each other safe, to respect each other and cherish every good moment.

Just give her time... in the mean time focus on other things like school work

Quote:

Originally Posted by statictable

Your pain is probably a total hell with no end in sight and your trying to figure out a way to reconnect with all that you had. Logic will not work nor will painting emotional images to be displayed for her to see. Your pain started rather abruptly, caught you off guard. You were not prepared; from with her to not with her in just a flash. The majority of her pain has been exhausted. For several months she had been in her own little hell and her pain was greatly diminished when she made the move to leave the relationship. At this time it's next to impossible to have a rational discussion with her because your in such different places. In your mind and heart try to consider your hell and her hell combined into just one sad place neither one of you would ever want to see again and each day try to create distance between you and hellsville. You'll only be able to create that distance if your able to understand that your partner was able to create distance the day she left and will continue till she's comfortable. Now if you keep working on it you'll be able to distance yourself from that same place and in time you'll feel more comfortable, more yourself but only then will you understand how important it is for those in relationships to keep each other safe, to respect each other and cherish every good moment.

Great advice and thanks.. you put it in a different persepective that is a little easier to look at.. helps logically