Ask Me Help Desk - Emotional abuse?

First of all, I want ot say that I come from an European country where divorce rates are pretty low compared to the states. I have been taught that marriage is important and you should not leave for the minimum problem. Raised in such a culture I have grown thinking that once married I would only divorce if husband is cheating or physically abusive. I have thought that everything else is solvable. However I wonder sometimes if my husband is emotionally abusive and where is the boundary between normal fighting and abuse. I have read symptoms of emotionally abusive husband and some symptoms my husband has such as giving me the fault for almost everything, calling me names, always wanting to be right. However, he lacks some other symptoms such as he is not jealous, he does not care if I spend money, does not check if I go out etc. On the other hand even though I may identify in some instances as the victim I see myself also as emotional abusive of my husband. I am jelous and check his wallet, cell phone etc, I call him names back when he does, I tell him he would never get married again if he leaves me, etc. So what is the deal? How do I know if I am a victim? I feel sad and cry often but tears do not mean much, my husband may hurt too sometimes without showing him. I love him very much but I need to know if there are any tips on making him stop giving me fault for just about anything, if I should keep quiet and ignore or complain or what
I am very peaceful but turn mean when he starts being mean, I think his job stresses him out a lot we mostly fight in the evening before bed time maybe he is just cranky?I just need an outsiders insight on my situation...

Emotional abuse consists of the other party using your emotions to his/her advantage. They might put you down (about your looks, abilities, etc.), make you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong (especially if they HAVE done something wrong), putting the blame on you for things you and/or nobody else might have control over, being jealous and controlling over what you do or say, calling you names and purposefully making you feel worthless, and other instances that I might not have named and/or any combination of these and other instances. Emotional abuse is not cut-and-dry the same for everyone. Every situation is different.
On the other hand, if you are fighting a lot in a relationship (you say you call him names back and you are jealous when he is not), you may want to look inside yourself for answers. Are you happy? Is this relationship something that you feel good about or is it a burden in your life? Are you depressed about other life issues? Seek answers inside yourself and seek help from an outside source (counselor, friend, shelter, etc.) if it's more than an issue from within.

How long have you been married, and how long have you known each other? Learning HOW to talk and listen is the core of communication, and if two people get emotional, there can only be hurt feelings and resentments. A counselor, or a pastor (reverend?) can guide you through the process of learning how to communicate. You both sound young, am I right?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How long have you been married, and how long have you known each other?? Learning HOW to talk and listen is the core of communication, and if two people get emotional, there can only be hurt feelings and resentments. A counselor, or a pastor (reverend?) can guide you thru the process of learning how to communicate. You both sound young, am I right??

We have married for 10 years known each other for 12. I am 32 he is 35, no children. I just do not know when you draw a line between normal fighting or emotional abuse. I feel horrible when he blames me for stuff but then we make peace and we are back happy again. It just comes and goes. Sometimes I read about emotional abuse and think yes, that's how I feel but then I think it is ridiculous how can you never have a fight? My husband has demanding job works up to 12-14 hours a day under stress, I try to undestand sometimes his frustration but other times I feel very sad.. He never has hit me but he gets pretty nervous at times, but so do I, slamming doors threatening to leave him etc, then we are back to our normal selves... He say he loves me very much, but he is so sensitive I have to be very careful how I address him, he has had a mom that spanked him as a child and blamed him for stuff his sisters did, maybe he takes revenge by blaming me now?

What kind of jobs do you both have? Sorry for all the questions just try to get the picture. He is sensitive, and you are emotional, you react to each other. I see how you disagree. Just one more question, how do you play together and have fun??

May I ask why it is that you are so emphatic to label yourself as 'emotionally abused'? I agree with the above posters that what it is you two need to focus on is 'rules of engagement' when it comes to arguing. Set an example, and don't follow that same path by NOT calling names, NOT slamming doors, or doing anything else otherwise 'abusive' when you are fighting... perhaps that will be enough to change the pattern.