My daughter has been dating this young man for three years and has been engaged for one year with a June 2008 wedding date. Although they have always bickered with each other they seemed to have a decent relationship (although everyone in our family has had isues with the young man and them as a couple. This summer he went to Mexico for college courses for 6 weeks and came back a "different person" he says he is tired of working at being the person she fell in love with. He is cold, uncaring and rude. My daughter loves him but I tell her that if they need counselling NOW it will only get worse after they are married. He has a lot of baggage. He killed his first high school girlfriend in a car accident 7 years ago and his parents aunts and uncles etc have all been married up to 7 times each. We are worried sick about her future with him. I try to be a good listener and give her support in her decisions but at this point If I was her I could cancel the wedding and move on. We do not care about any lost money from deposits but before we spend any more money I really feel that they need some professional help to make their decision. I sent them to a counsellor that was highly recommended and had creditials but he just laughed at them and made coments about how young they were (22).
Should I take a stronger stand? Time is running out.

Have you sat down with your duaghter and told her exsactly how you felt?

Hate to say this but your daughter is a moron.

And yes I know women that actively seek the worst examples of mankind and then blame their misfortune on their parents.

Some kids are just stupid... and you can't make them have common sense. Except take them out of your will and let them know why.

If you have any wealth that may work.

Yeah this will sound crazy to some people, but I actually know a girl in her 30's in this situation, had loving parents and all the money she ever needed, yet she insists on picking the worst possible men to be with.

Sometimes you have to cut them off from your money and tell them, do what you want, but I'm not financing it. If she's over 21 she's legally an adult and you can't make her do anything... conversely you don't have to pay for anything either.

You have to be calm and very honest.
You have to make it seem like even if she chooses to marry him it's OK.
"You just wanted to do your best and share some concerns..."

BUT
The odds of derailing a marriage as a parent is very tough...
You'll just face more resistance.

I would suggest someone she loves/respects other than you to talk.
Maybe see if they feel the same way first and then let them talk...

Then what you say may mean more if someone ELSE says it AFTER you.

I would say BE Careful here, you don't want to take a side, just listen to your daughter, and give her honest advice. You don't want to make your daughter think you hate the man she might marry, it could push her away. Just listen to her, and don't interject opinions. This is a trick situation because you want to help and protect her, but this needs to be something she works out with him, 3rd parties (that are not professionals) rarely help. Let her talk to you, and back her up on her actions.

I feel your pain and as a parent, am very aware how we want the best for our children. Unfortunately after a certain age, they do what they want, and all we can do is comfort, console, and have the band-aids ready, after they make a boo-boo! You will never get over the anxiety of them getting hurt, no matter what age they are.

The latest is that he called off their engagement photo appointment because he "wants to POSTPONE all wedding plans until he decides what will happen with them". If "things", he nevers says what do not change, they are over. She is heartbroken. He is just dragging this punishment on for too long. He says, he loves her no matter what happens (whatever that means, sound like cop out to me) and it's little consoluation. She still wants to marry the jerk. I feel like she is a hostage and he has a long history of pushing her to bent to his will. He is a life time manipulator and user. He is selfcentered and I wish he would get the guts to break it off once and for all. I have shared all these things with my duaghter and am trying to keep the lines of communicaiton open but I fear that this is only going to get worse, before it gets better. I know she will not push him away.Any suggestions?

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Originally Posted by mamag

My daughter has been dating this young man for three years and has been engaged for one year with a June 2008 wedding date. Although they have always bickered with each other they seemed to have a decent relationship (although everyone in our family has had isues with the young man and them as a couple. This summer he went to Mexico for college courses for 6 weeks and came back a "different person" he says he is tired of working at being the person she fell in love with. He is cold, uncaring and rude. My daughter loves him but I tell her that if they need counselling NOW it will only get worse after they are married. He has a lot of baggage. He killed his first high school girlfriend in a car accident 7 years ago and his parents aunts and uncles etc have all been married up to 7 times each. We are worried sick about her future with him. I try to be a good listener and give her support in her decisions but at this point If I was her I could cancel the wedding and move on. We do not care about any lost money from deposits but before we spend any more money I really feel that they need some professional help to make their decision. I sent them to a counsellor that was highly recommended and had creditials but he just laughed at them and made coments about how young they were (22).
Should I take a stronger stand? Time is running out.

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Please tell your daughter not to waste her life with this guy. She needs to look into her future and ask herself if this is what she sees for herself forever. She needs to gain self confidance and move on. He is not the only guy left in the world. SHe should tell him it's over and work on getting herself together.
My daughter just went through a break up after being engaged for 7 months. It was bad for her for a few weeks but she picked herself up and moved on. She realizes now it would have been the biggest mistake of her life if she stayed with him and got married.
Your daughter really needs to thing hard on this and pray. Tell her to put it in God's hands and he will tell her what is best for her.
Good luck.
I lost a lot of money but I would have lost a whole lot more if my daughter was unhappy in a bad marriage.
Good Luck to your daughter

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Originally Posted by jewen

Please tell your daughter not to waste her life with this guy. She needs to look into her future and ask herself if this is what she sees for herself forever. She needs to gain self confidance and move on. He is not the only guy left in the world. SHe should tell him it's over and work on getting herself together.
My daughter just went through a break up after being engaged for 7 months. It was bad for her for a few weeks but she picked herself up and moved on. She realizes now it would have been the biggest mistake of her life if she stayed with him and got married.
Your daughter really needs to thing hard on this and pray. Tell her to put it in God's hands and he will tell her what is best for her.
Good luck.
I lost a lot of money but I would have lost a whole lot more if my daughter was unhappy in a bad marriage.
Good Luck to your daughter

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My daughter, in her heart, realizes that if she marries this guy she will be miserable but she is taking more time than I would to put an end to this nightmare. He loves her (so he says) she loves him and she is sad about the lost dream of a life together. BUT he postponed their engagement photo appointment and HE is on a wait and see how it goes basis. She is feeling like her life is on hold. She is embarrassed and so sad. She is saying how she feels and is hopefully working towards ending this. I am encouraged to hear that your daughter is doing well after the heartbreak. You must be a wonderful Mother. I just feel like he is pushing her (with his actions, not wanting to talk about anything serious and being vague about their future) to be the one to end it, I almost wish he would end it but perhaps she needs to take control of the situation to feel less like a victim. Thanks for your advice. I will pass it along.

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Originally Posted by mamag

My daughter has been dating this young man for three years and has been engaged for one year with a June 2008 wedding date. Although they have always bickered with each other they seemed to have a decent relationship (although everyone in our family has had isues with the young man and them as a couple. This summer he went to Mexico for college courses for 6 weeks and came back a "different person" he says he is tired of working at being the person she fell in love with. He is cold, uncaring and rude. My daughter loves him but I tell her that if they need counselling NOW it will only get worse after they are married. He has a lot of baggage. He killed his first high school girlfriend in a car accident 7 years ago and his parents aunts and uncles etc have all been married up to 7 times each. We are worried sick about her future with him. I try to be a good listener and give her support in her decisions but at this point If I was her I could cancel the wedding and move on. We do not care about any lost money from deposits but before we spend any more money I really feel that they need some professional help to make their decision. I sent them to a counsellor that was highly recommended and had creditials but he just laughed at them and made coments about how young they were (22).
Should I take a stronger stand? Time is running out.

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I certainly feel for you as a mother. Although we always want what is best for our children, sometimes, that just makes them want the opposite. You said he went to Mexico and came back a "different person" he says he is tired of working at being the person she fell in love with. He is cold, uncaring and rude. Does your daughter see these characteristics, or is it only you. Sometimes children have to make mistakes, and we can only hope that they will learn from them and not repeat them. GOOD LUCK!

P.S. The Professional Help that was sought was very "UNPROFESSIONAL." Try to find another Counselor. And also, after the age 18, it seems the stronger stand you try to take, the more resistance they put up. TRY PRAYER ALSO!!

Thank you. I have prayed a lot about this. She took her stand and laid all her concerns out on the table to him yesterday. It was a long list. She told him that these things had to change or she could not marry him. The ball is in his court (whether he wants to change his ways and attitude. She says if he did she would take him back but I told her that these were big issues that he would need help dealing with. She admits that the warning signs were there for some time but she refused to see them. She is home tonight and in good spirits, considering. I pray he will do the right thing and make a clan break of it but I realize that this could linger on for some time. It is so hard. Thank you again for your comments and advice.