Ask Me Help Desk - Affair with High School Sweetheart

Hi Everyone--Here goes my question-I have been married for 10 years. I have 3 children 16, 9 and 7. I am 35, my husband is 41. Three years ago my husband and I were going through a rough time and instead of working things out, he filed for divorce. I did not sign the papers, (because I did not want to toss out our marriage without trying to work things out.) and we eventually after 1 month of separation, got back together. It has still been a rocky road. The main issue is that he does not allow me to have any friends, and I do not like the fact that he does not participate in any part of his children's lives.

Here is the Background: (This all happened after the divorce filing) I was doing some repairs on the house and ran into my high school sweetheart at the store. We had not seen each other since graduation 14 years ago. We broke up in high school because he went into the Marines. We never had any hard feelings toward one another when we separated in high school. He is 36 and has a girlfriend that he has been dating for 5 years (2yrs. At the time we ran into each other.) He has been married twice and has 2 children ( one from each marriage) that live out of state. We talked at little at the store and realized that he only lives two blocks down the street from me with his girlfriend.

Here is the Issue: Since we ran into each other 3 years ago, we have been seeing each other, it started maybe a couple times a month, and now it has progressed. We get along great, we have everything in common. He is always saying how we should never have left each other out of high school and things would have been a lot different for both of us. We enjoy each other's company, and we make each other laugh.
The best part about it is, He is fantastic with my children, and my children just love him. He shows them the affection that they crave from their real father.

The problem is: He is having issues with his girlfriend and I am also having issues with my husband. We talked about getting a house together, but I think it is a financial issue for both of us that we are staying with our partners. He has also said that he does care about his girlfriend, and I also care about my husband. But we also care a lot about each other. It is really special for both of us when we are together, and we get a lot out each other that we do not get from our partners.

What should I do? I don't know how long I can continue this, because it is feelings overload. Any suggestions?

Summer,

You need to get your head cleared out and then refocused. My opinion.

I agree with you that your husband is wrong for not allowing you to have friends. To be real honest, I'd sit him down and ask him why he thinks and acts like you are a piece of property to be set out in the middle of nowhere?

As to yourself, if you really want to lighten your overloaded fellings you might spend some time remembering the wedding vow you made! Break off the meetings with your former sweetie. You are committed to your husband. You have no business meeting other men in a setting where you might end up in their beds, It's your violation, not his. Yes I understand that at present you are only seeing moon eyes from school, but you are stealing the time from your family where you belong.

Also if you think the guy is so wonderful, please look at his track record, three marriages, two children. And here you sit thinking about being #4. Please reconsider!

To me it sounds like you have unresolved issues in your marriage that you need to sort out. You probably resent your husband for filing for divorce instead of working through problems but now you have effectively done the same thing... having an affair without sorting out your problems. No one person is all to blame for things going dull boring or wrong in a relationship.. both you and your husband have to take responsibility for your parts in what has happened and try to sort them out if you want to stay together. AND it can be done!

Im definietly not judging you for having an affair but if you love your husband you should sort your problems out with him without leaving yourself open to be confused by this other relationship.

If you do not love your husband, regardless of this affair you should move on; to stay because of financial reasons is unfair to everyone.

You and this "sweetheart" are just using each other to get what is lacking in both of your relationships... consciously or unconsiously, this is what is happening. You see him as the perfect person father and lover... but in reality you are looking outside yourself to someone to fix what needs to be fixed inside yourself.

Guaranteed if you leave your husband for your affair without sorting out any problems, these same problems will develop eventually between you and your "sweetheart" and you could go from relationship to relationship like your "sweetheart" seems to be doing.

Maybe you should put the same effort towards your DH as you do with your ex. I think that you resent your DH for wanting to "throw out" your marriage and yet how is that different from what you are considering now? Just out of curiosity is it just your ex that he has an issue with you being friends with? There is no way that I would want my DH to spend any time with someone that made his eyes light up the moment they walk in the room (as I am sure yours do) especially if they were sweethearts in HS!

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The best part about it is, He is fantastic with my children, and my children just love him. He shows them the affection that they crave from their real father.

What kind of female involves their children in their adultry? Before you do anything get some professional help. No way do I condone your actions, as they are selfish and self serving and highly destructive, with no regard to consequences. Deal with your husband first, and give yourself time to think about what's going on in your life, before you jump into another relationship with a cheater. You need to be alone for a while, and get some guidance. I also noticed that you wrote this to put all the blame on him, and none on you, Hmm!

You've received some harsh but much-needed advice here.

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The main issue is that he does not allow me to have any friends,

Well, if your idea of "having friends" is an affair with a high school sweetheart from 14 years ago, I don't blame him.

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and I do not like the fact that he does not participate in any part of his children's lives.

Well it seems that you've allowed your "high school sweetheart" to become a "surrogate father". You can't expect their father to be a part of their lives if you won't give him a chance. What about you? Are you involved in their lives? Or do you spend all of your time running after your high school sweetheart I hate to say it but it sounds like you're sabotaging your own marriage. Time spent with your high school sweetheart should be time spent with your husband and children. No doubt your husband feels that these "friends" that he won't "let" you have will only take more time away from him and your children.

About not participating with his children and wanting to isolate you. Look up adult Asperger's Syndrome and see if it doesn't apply. Learning about this, saved my sanity and I'm learning to use it to help my marriage.