I am a Father of a beautiful three year old daughter and married for four years. We have a happy and stable family.We are not better off financially by any means.If we could afford more children we would in a heart beat. Out of the blue one Sunday evening I find out I have a twelve year old daughter to a woman I met and had one evening with and neverspoke again. I do remember she told she was on birth control but afterwards she told me she forgot to take it.My fault for not takeing my own percautions.At first she said the child wanted to meet me, then the mother called me and try to force me to talk to her,and then she brought up domestics. This all happened in 48 hours.
The whole time the mother was trying to get me meet the child,she was telling me the child already has a daddy and a very happy family and the ball was in my court.
Her husband has been there from birth,His name is on the birth certificate. I was able to talk to him and this was all done without him knowing.They are not divorceing and they are not fighting.so obviously this is about money.
Can I relinguish my parental rights?Would he have to adobt her even when his name is on the birth cetrificate?The bills we have made only accommodates the child we have.Would the state take what little funds we have and give to them and take from the daughter I do have?I have a Half brother. And the hatered he had for my mother that was instilled in him from his mom was brought to our house were I picked it up and started treating my mom that way.I'm trying to keep this anger away from my wife,and raise our daughter without this influince.

Before anything else, once you know this is about money, get blood tests to see if you really are the father. She could be doing this to other guys also. It happens.

Well, like stated above you do need a paternity test. If she is yours why would you try to relinquish rights only to get out of paying child support. I understand money is tight but the fact would be you put her here and she deserves your support. Money and time for your child are two different subjects. So it would be stupid to say well if I have to pay then I should get to see her also. You need to deal with each issue separately. You may have another daughter who has a right to know you and who you have a right to know as well. Even if she has always known someone else as her father. If you are a decent man (which I assume you are) then there is no good reason why she can't be introduced to you and the two of you build a relationship as well as keeping her relationship with her "current dad" intact. There is nothing wrong with more people to love her and it will not cause her harm.

Think long and hard about wanting to give up your rights to her. If the other man did adopt her, yes you could relinquish your rights and be relieved of owing any child support. But more importantly you are telling that little girl that she has never meant anything to you. And when she gets older and finds out the truth, regardless of how she came into this world she will feel abandoned by someone who should have loved her. Would you want that for your daughter, the one you raise and love now? Have sisters who never knew each other, relatives never met and ultimately a person who ends up feeling their life was less valuable because of how they got here. That was your mistake not hers don't make her pay for it. You might feel she is fine and will be fine without you, but her life will still have a hole in it only you can fill.

You may not feel love for her because you don't "know" her but loving someone isn't always about feelings it is in our actions. Love her by wanting her, by saying her life is precious because it is a life, one you put here.

Don't give up your daughter for the sake of saving money. Millions of people have children "they can't afford" but we have them and make due. You will find a way. The court will take into consideration that you have a child from another relationship that you must support but won't relieve you of you duty to support the other just for that.

I wish people would stop thinking oh I had a kid who has never known me so why should he/she know me at all when I can get out of paying child support. You sound like a decent guy, please think about this. Yes she has a father who loves her as his own but she could only benefit from having your love as well. If you are a jerk or a harm to her then walk away but I doubt that is the case.

Don't become all arrogant and demand custody and rights. That would only tear her life apart but be involved in the ways you can that won't totally turn her life upside down and let her know how she got here may not have been under the most ideal circumstances but that you did create her life and it is valuable. Love her.

First of all, this child is probably NOT legally yours. In most states, if the father on the birth certificate is married to the mother, then he is legally the father. Unless paternity was contested within a reasonable time after birth. So I would check the laws in the state where the birth occurred.

If what I just said is true, then you have no legal obligation to this child and they cannot force any on you. Nor can you be forced to take a paterntity test against your will.

What I suspect happened, is some medical issue came up that confirmed the husband was not the biological father and the daughter started bugging her parents about who her real father was.

So the ball is in your court. If you want nothing to do with this situation tell them so and tell them to stop bothering you (after you confirm what I've said). If you do want a relationship with this girl (not a financial one), then that's up to you. If you want to confirm paternity that is also up to you.

But, since they cannot impose a financial responsibility on you, there is really no reason to spurn this child and turn her away.

Tawny... I get the gist of what you're saying... but essentially what you're telling this guy is to suck it up, get to know his kid, and make child support payments to a kid he never KNEW about for 12 year, along with 12 year of BACK child support to a woman who didn't have the courtesy to tell him she was pregnant 13 years ago? And THEN, he shouldn't sue for custody? That's the FIRST thing I would do--get custody. The MOTHER obviously doesn't have a clue what honesty is, and that's not a great way to raise a kid.

Frankly... the mothers in these situations should only have so much time to file for child support.

To the OP: Get a lawyer. It may be that she's past the point where she can ask you, especially if the other guy is on the birth certificate and has been acting as her father all these years

Synnen, I understand what you are saying but to "get custody" would only serve to spite the mother (unless she is a bad mother). Obviously, she wasn't honest, that doesn't make her a bad mother. Mom's shouldn't have the right to keep a pregnancy from the father, that is terrible. But we don't know the whole story. We don't know why she did, maybe she had good reasons to at the time maybe she didn't. But punishing mom at the detriment of the child shouldn't be the goal. It's the child that should be the center of all focus. They both have made mistakes in the past. That is what got them to this point. But that shouldn't relieve either person of owning up to the consequences.

I do agree about having statute of limitations on filing for child support. Problem is there isn't one. So yes, my opinion is that someone shouldn't give up on a child because money is an issue. We say here time and time again the issues of support and visitation are SEPARATE issues. And they are. So why is it suddenly fair to say oh if she can get child support/arrears now then it's OK to walk away like it never happened?

The bigger problem I see is money is always the issue not the children. Money is always the priority, if I can't afford it I don't want it. If I'm forced to pay THEN I should have it ALL.

It's sad that mom's can do this and the men get stuck with thousands in back support due. TOTALLY NOT FAIR. I agree. And maybe someone should really concentrate on changing the laws. Maybe someone should be allowed to collect child support only from the time the issue is brought with no past due allowed. But it is what it is now. And HE did this knowing the possible consequences. And the child should be the first consideration not the money so, I am not saying suck it up, but I am saying don't push her away solely to stay out of debt.

And it just may be that the statute of limitations is up to even establish paternity or collect child support. Here is a list of the states statute of limitations: Statute of limitations for child support by State.

These are sad situations, not solely because of the decisions she made but because of the decisions they both made.

The point here is that the kid HAS a father.

He's not punishing the child--he's basically saying that the child means NOTHING to him, nor should it after 12 years.

He HAS a family already, and so does his child. Aside from money, there's no reason for him to get involved at this point, and if it's just a matter of money--what are the parents she has NOW doing to make sure she doesn't go without?

No, no one should give up a child simply for the money--but no one should wait 12 years to let him know he has a responsibility, either.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

First of all, this child is probably NOT legally yours. In most states, if the father on the birth certificate is married to the mother, then he is legally the father. Unless paternity was contested within a reasonable time after birth. So I would check the laws in the state where the birth occured.

If what I just said is true, then you have no legal obligation to this child and they cannot force any on you. Nor can you be forced to take a paterntity test against your will.

What I suspect happened, is some medical issue came up that confirmed the husband was not the biological father and the daughter started bugging her parents about who her real father was.

So the ball is in your court. If you want nothing to do with this situation tell them so and tell them to stop bothering you (after you confirm what I've said). If you do want a relationship with this girl (not a financial one), then that's up to you. If you want to confirm paternity that is also up to you.

But, since they cannot impose a financial responsibility on you, there is really no reason to spurn this child and turn her away.

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Your answer is very helpful.Her husband still could be the biological father,but she has told this child that I am. Not that I could be her father.I am meeting with my attorney next week. My first meeting with domestics is in amonth. I'm sure a paternity test will be court ordered.Thank you for your time.

You sound a bit bitter Synnen. You know I wasn't bashing the guy at all. Just trying to give him something to think about so when he makes his decision he never looks back and says I didn't quite realize...

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Originally Posted by Synnen

The point here is that the kid HAS a father.

He's not punishing the child--he's basically saying that the child means NOTHING to him, nor should it after 12 years.

He HAS a family already, and so does his child. Aside from money, there's no reason for him to get involved at this point, and if it's just a matter of money--what are the parents she has NOW doing to make sure she doesn't go without?

No, no one should give up a child simply for the money--but no one should wait 12 years to let him know he has a responsibility, either.

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Thank you!I also looked at it from her husbands point veiw.He is probably thinking he is going to lose his daughter that he raised and supported for 12 years.He was there for daiper changes,bottle feedings,first steps,learning to ride abike,first day of school.He should be there when she learns to drive,graduation,prom,walk her down the isle when she gets married.He is probably devastated.What if I try to form a relationship with her and the bond of a father and daughter is just not there,like it would be if I was there from birth.My wife and I thank you for being so up front.more people should say what they think instead of being politically correct.

Yes she does... the problem is now thanks to her big mouth mother she also knows (according to mom at least) that she has another father. So, I just don't think it is going to do this little girl any benefit to leave her feeling like great I have a mom who lies to me and a guy who found out he's my dad and he doesn't want me. And basically saying that child means nothing to him is exactly what I am saying that child shouldn't have to feel. Of course it's all a moot point for In the dark if she isn't even his. Mom should have kept her mouth shut but she didn't.

In the dark... I feel very sad for you. You sound like a real nice guy. This should not have happened. The mother is clearly wrong for showing up and saying here she is talk to her and I am coming after money too. She isn't thinking of her daughter by telling her you are her father and most likely just completely upsetting her whole existence. I think you should fight having to pay any back child support. That is not fair to you or anyone.

Unfortunately since this idiot woman has told this child you are her father, I would at least though not want to add insult to injury for this child by making her feel unwanted now that it has come out. I am merely suggesting that if this child is yours and she wants to have a relationship with you that you try to have one with her. That's all.

You are very mature to look at this man's feelings and the relationship he has with her. But it seems the mom is forcing this issue. Which puts you in a terrible position. If I were him I would be FURIOUS with my wife to say the least. If this little girl hadn't been told that you are her father then it probably would have been best to just let her dad now be her dad. But she has been told and you are right you probably would not be able to form a relationship like they have but I would try to at least let her know that you are there for her as a person who cares so she doesn't feel unwanted by you since she knows that you now know. If she doesn't want to know you then that is fine. If she is happy with her dad then she can move forward happily and maybe some day she will want to know you maybe not.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Believe me I say this with sincere intent not a you are a jerk own up to your responsibility you louse kind of intent. I am just saying since she does now know and if paternity says she is yours then her feelings need to be considered too and if SHE wants to know you then maybe you can know her too and doing it like you pointed out without trying to take her dad from her or replacing him. And if he is the great dad you sound like then he might not mind you having a relationship with her since you have no intention of threatening his position in her life.

I just don't think it has to be an either or situation.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

The point here is that the kid HAS a father.

He's not punishing the child--he's basically saying that the child means NOTHING to him, nor should it after 12 years.

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You said the first thing you would do is get custody. Custody of a child he hasn't known and hasn't known him for 12 years. That would punish the child by taking him/her away from the only family they have ever known. (Not to mention devastate the man who has been her father) That would be unfair and devastating to the child. So, what purpose would getting custody serve if not to spite the mother?

And why would someone get custody of a child that means nothing to him and shouldn't mean anything to him after 12 years?

The point is that the mother very likely would drop EVERYTHING if she thought that she might lose custody.

Seriously... this is about the kid, but it's ALSO about the mother being a truly awful b!tch. It's about the fact that the MOTHER is the problem here, not this poor guy that didn't even KNOW. Yes, the daughter's feelings need to be taken into consideration--but as soon as paternity was settled, I'd still go for custody. Wouldn't the daughter know she was wanted then?

What you're saying, Tawny, is that regardless of how everyone ELSE feels in this situation, the daughter's feelings should be the only consideration. Bull.

She's 12, she's old enough to understand that there are several sides to every story, and obviously--she can't trust her mother to tell her the whole truth.

Make her feel wanted, but let her stay with the people who lied to her? Make her feel wanted and pay all that back child support to a kid you don't know, who may not want anything to do with him. (and there's no way to get out of back support--once you're liable for support, you're liable for ALL of it). Make this child-out-of-nowhere feel wanted, at the detriment to the wife and child he already has?

Tawny--I may sound bitter, but seriously--you seem to be telling this guy to suck it up and have a relationship with this kid, when he may not even be the dad, and may not WANT a relationship with the kid.

She HAS a dad. And a mom too. As long as THEY have made her feel loved, she's not going to feel the absence of this guy out of nowhere. If they haven't made her feel loved, then she's going to miss the absence of him, and then he SHOULD try to get custody to make her feel loved.

It's so convoluted as to be stupid at this point. Lawyer, DNA test, court. THEN worry about what happens next. If he's not the dad, this is all moot.

Honestly, I wish in situations like this that a civil suit could be brought against the mother for denial of parental privileges for 12 years, and make that amount just slightly higher than the back child support and court fees.

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Originally Posted by in the dark

Your answer is very helpful.Her husband still could be the biological father,but she has told this child that i am. Not that i could be her father.I am meeting with my attorney next week. My first meeting with domestics is in amonth. I'm sure a paternity test will be court ordered.Thank you for your time.

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You're missing part of my point here. It may not matter who the bio father is. According to the law in your state, the husand is the legal father and biology doesn't matter. So a paternity test wouldn't change anything legally.