Ask Me Help Desk - Dealing with my ex-gf

Hi there. Here is a short description to my story with my ex. I have been with her for 2 years (right after she broke up with her ex). Everything was fine, passion, emotions, etc. I can talk about myself, but she admits too that she enjoyed staying with me too, and she doesn't want to forget those moments. Anyway. The last months, things were going not good between us. I mean, I was feeling like I lost the priority in her life. And we had a lot of argues between us. So I tried to talk to her, maybe like pushing a little more, but anyway, I was feeling jealous and not appreciated. I know, I have this problem of mine, when people don't show so much affection toward me, I think they are cheating on me. I have to admit that, she wasn't feeling the same anymore, I guess because of me and my "want to know the truth" behaviour. Anyway. I have to say I did some bad things, like spying on her, trying to catch her, proving her love to me time after time, etc. As the time went by, finally I got the truth I was searching (maybe I made the truth by myself, by pushing her away from me). In the same time, she was cheating on me with her ex. After I got the truth, I confronted her, and she couldn't lie, but to tell the truth. So I broke up with her. And she was very angry, because I used to check her mail, and I sent her a mail like I was her best friend, asking for the things between us. I know, it was immature from my side, but that was the only way to know the truth. I made also some weird wrongs, like sending her new boyfriend, a message telling him the truth why she broke up with him, and also I said some weird and damn words for him and her. I know, I was mad enough, and there is no other explanation. I feel so shame about my reactions during those days. Anyway. During the first 2 months, I tried to speak to her for the last time (I don't know why I did it, maybe I was so deeply in love, and I was blind, although what she did, or what I did), but she didn't respond. After those months, she sent me a message, and I responded. It was wrong, but now is done. Anyway, its being 6 months since the breakup, which was fast and messy, like the beginning, and now we have a common speech with each other (although she still feels bad about the spying things etc). She told me that she really hopes and she knows that some day these bad feelings of her will flee away, so that we can have a normal conversation, but she doesn't know how long it will take. She also apologied for hurting me. All she wants now, is this communication. I thought that, because she still feels bad, and I won't get anything more than a friendship with her, I should better get out of her life completely. So I sent her a mail, telling her it was not good for her that I still stay in her life. That she has to heal her wounds faster, and in the same time she should forget about me completely. She sent me a mail, telling me that she didn't know what to say, and that usually she doesn't like the relations to end this way. And that, although what happened, still there was a middle time, which for her was good and real, and she can't and she don't want to forget. Also, she said that she appreciates my effort for making her feel better, by fleeing completely away from her life, but she doesn't think that will change anything. For what I know, she got a new relation with her ex, after our breakup, and now, they contact through mails and so on (as she went outside country for 2 years). On the other side, she wants me to be her (some kind of) friend and she talks to me now and on. She doesn't know that I know about her boyfriend, as I didn't asked her what in reality happened after the breakup. But that doesn't count. Anyway, the only thing I don't get in here is the fact, she says she feels really bad, after what happened, she doesn't hate me and she still wants to stay in contact. Which makes me completely confused. I don't want to go after false hopes about the future, although I admit that I'm some kind of guy who won't be tired of searching what is worth for me (and she really is), and that I got all the energy to work on my behaviour (I know I have some complexes), and to make her feel good if she wants to come back. But there is always a "what if" in my mind. I just don't know what is in her mind. That's why I took the path of staying in contact with her. Also as a way for not losing her completely. To let her know that I know about myself, and that I want to try to work on myself, so that she can trust me, and that what I call mistakes I call mistakes. But I don't know if it will be enough for her. Any idea, how deep the rabit goes? Don't tell me to leave her alone, cause I'm not feeling bad or something like that, and I don't want to lose her, even as a friend. I just want to know why usually people want to have a friendship, with someone who wasn't good to them? For the sake of the good times?

Seems to me she wants her cake and eat it too. If she isn't being honest about her seeing her ex again, now after your break up, I think she would try and get back with you enough that she can see you and her ex and be more sneaky. She wants you to have a guilt trip for your actions like that is suppose to excuse her wrong. She is the guilty one she cheated on you. So even though it is not a 'healthy relationship' thing to do you are not the guilty party.
She seems like she is immature and doesn't know what she wants in life so she wants to hold on to both of you until she makes her decision and that is not at all fair to you.
I think you need to forget about her and move on. You need to be careful about not accusing a girl of cheating though because it could lead to you losing someone that you really do love and isn't cheating. The best way to deal with a trust or mistrust issue is don't accuse and just watch for the signs and then eventually they will slip up or have too much proof mounted against them. When you accuse they either become more sneaky or cover their tracks.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Seems to me she wants her cake and eat it too. If she isn't being honest about her seeing her ex again, now after your break up, I think she would try and get back with you enough that she can see you and her ex and be more sneaky. She wants you to have a guilt trip for your actions like that is suppose to excuse her wrong. She is the guilty one she cheated on you. So even though it is not a 'healthy relationship' thing to do you are not the guilty party.
She seems like she is immature and doesn't know what she wants in life so she wants to hold on to both of you until she makes her decision and that is not at all fair to you.
I think you need to forget about her and move on. You need to be careful about not accusing a girl of cheating though because it could lead to you losing someone that you really do love and isn't cheating. The best way to deal with a trust or mistrust issue is don't accuse and just watch for the signs and then eventually they will slip up or have to much proof mounted against them. When you accuse they either become more sneaky or cover their tracks.

Thank You for the answer buddy. Everything what you say, seems correct, and in fact that was what I was thinking too, I just needed some advices. Anyway. She isn't immature I have to say, as she is old enough (27 already), but it seems to me, like the things between her and her ex, didn't in reality finished, those 2 years were only a pause (although they used to drink coffes now and on, as they know each other from long time, and they used to have an old friendship), and maybe some kind of revenge of her, for the way he used to treat her during their relation. He wasn't treating her with violence, or something like that, just he wasn't showing so much affection toward her. And she was bored, and wanted to go outside the relation. Anyway. Sometimes I think I was used as some kind of "take me out of here". On the other side, I don't want to judge her so badly. So, I try to judge my behaviour during the last months too. I was feeling insecure and jealous, and this insecurity, usually doesn't bring happiness in the relation. Although, when you really love someone, and you see he or she isn't feeling secure the way you use to treat him/her, even not showing so much affection as you used to, at least you can do something about that, and not just stay without doing anything, or neglect his feelings and his thoughts. As you see, I wasn't accusing her for cheating or something like that, but for 3 months or so, I used to talk to her now and on, to let her know how I feel, and that I'm not being appreciated or having the same priority in her life anymore as before, as I do with her. All right, after 1.5 years, those emotions of the beginning are not the same, but at least you have to speak to the partner, and not just put your head down and just listen, when he talks. That doesn't sound fair, but it makes the things worser and me more insecure. Anyway. I admit, I didn't felt good and I told her, about that meeting of her with her ex (for the answers about their breakup, after 1.5 years?? ), as I knew he still had feelings for her. Since that day, things seemed to change between us. And there was also this new environment of her, the thing America, as she won a master there, and she used to let herself free (having more free time to go to clubs, pubs, etc) from every else priority of her life, which made the things even hard for me to understand where the real problem lied. Anyway. This was the story.

Now, I would like to make you another question. Hope you, may help, although what I'm asking may sound weird, but as I still judge myself for a couple of things about my behaviour (maybe I was also behaving like a wuss, with those insecuritys, and that made her flee), I thought that, this is a sign of mine, that I still care about her. I don't want to look again as wuss, but she has her birthday right in 10 days, and I was thinking to send her a simple message, like "happy birthday", but nothing more, as I don't want to make her think I'm using this for any intention. But as I have mine 10 days after hers, I don't want her to feel obligated to send me the same wish too. At least we have some kind of "friends" relation, or a contact lets say, so it won't be taken as bad if I send her that message, or it may be taken as bad, if I don't send it (although I don't feel obligated for such a thing, but let say, she thinks she really is important for me, as I told her after the breakup, and without a message, that shows to her, that I really didn't meant that). What do you suggest? Im not doing it for any purpose, just a pure wish, nothing more. Seems OK?

I responded to your last thread on this situation, and it seems like not much has changed. It also sounds to me like you are putting way more thought into everything about her life in the past and present than she is with you.

You say "don't tell me to leave her alone." OK, well, you're not going to get her back. The things you say she says to you just ooze "I'm trying to be polite to you, but you're barely on my radar, and whether we're labelled 'friends' or not doesn't really matter, because I don't think of you that way any more!" It's clear you want her back. Ask yourself this: if you had a genie tell you that there was absolutely ZERO chance of getting her back, would you still work on being her everlasting "friend"? Yeah, didn't think so.

The harsh truth is that she doesn't care whether you text her or not on her birthday. You just think she does because you care, and your ego may find it incomprehensible to think that she's not secretly pining away for you. Remember that she likely does not care even remotely as much as you do about all of this. So all the thought you waste obsessing on something that is essentially in the past is taking you out of the present, the "now."

I don't know what else to say, because I know you're going to respond that you don't really care if you get her back, and you're just giving her a harmless birthday wish, and all that, but get real with yourself. Any contact you make with her from this point on is just a way to poke her and see if you get the response you're looking for which, I'm sad to inform you, will never come. Stop wasting your time and move on with experiencing the real life in front of you that is passing you by minute by minute, day by day.

[QUOTE=NeoJunior] After I got the truth, I confronted her, and she couldn't lie, but to tell the truth.

You mention later that she didn't know you knew about her X-b.f. so what did you confront her with? Having the information you worked so hard to get put you into a tough spot (confront and lose don't confront and still lose) so you did what had to be done to find some level ground to stand on.

You mentioned making changes which she is very aware of so if you can improve yourself go ahead but do it for you and not for others or else you'll end up in a old Spaghetti Western packing an empty six shooter (you will be very vulnerable.)

The "confrontation" took every drop of hormone she had and poured it down the sewer. We never like to be confronted by someone holding all the cards but you had to make a choice and you made it. Now she's sorry she hurt you and hopes that'll soothe you while she smiles to herself knowing the truth you confronted her with was just a small example of her real character. She wins-wins and now it's time for you to get smart and someday you'll be in a win-win relationship with a girl who won't betray you. Best of luck on you.

[QUOTE=clarityseeker]

Buddy, I'm not saying anything in here, really. With or without her, now I'm done, my life keeps moving on everyday. I just want to understand sometimes, why she does what she does. I mean, the last time we have spoken on msn, she told me she was hearing a singer who singed our relationship lead. I mean, OK, I'm old enough to care about my romantic side, and I'm not a 15 years old, but that song was a part of our relation. But, why does she says those things? Anyway, its not only this, there are plenty of them, like July (the month we used to meet), the dreams she saw about me, some messages about the beach where we were together, a guy she met, which was from my country, pictures she sent to me (not together), etc. She tells me these things. All these things may be nothing, as you say, or just some kind of teasing from her part, to see if I still keep feeling like before. I told her, she should stop with that, cause I feel just different right now. Anyway, we have some contact, and I'm not going to send her the birthday wish, for any thing, I swear at this point, but just a harmless wish. I know, I may feel a little denial, if she won't respond (although there is no sense for doing so), but I don't care. What do you say at this point? I don't want to be a wuss in her eyes, that is true, and if this wish will show that I'm acting like a wuss, I won't send that!