So here's the deal.

I'm 25, my girlfriend is 29 -- we've been dating for awhile (> 6 months)

I've had three partners, my girlfriend has yet to tell me exactly how many she's had.

When asked about, she's claimed she can count on her fingers and toes so I know its less than 20 -- worst case.

She claims she was sexually adventurous when she was younger.

I tell myself I don't care, were both disease free, etc, etc. Why am I having such a hard time w/ this?

Help out here folks, I want to put this to rest.

It is a little humbling to realize your girlfriend has had more experience than you. I wouldn't say it bothers you to the point of grossing you out, or wanting to break up with her. Maybe you are worried that she has done things you haven't and that is awkward to think about? Maybe you are annoyed that she isn't being straight with you and maybe she is worried what you will think of her when you know exactly "how many". I don't think the number is important, unless you make it important. Maybe you question how experienced you will be in relation to other guys, but either way it doesn't matter. She is with you and loves you. Relax with the unknown and just enjoy being with her. I think you have a right to have feelings about it, just don't allow yourself to become consumed by them.
It doesn't make you an inadequate lover because you have had less, it means you were more picky in who you chose to be with. Maybe in her younger days, she was less cautious and she didn't choose as carefully as you. Don't hold it against her, and don't let it ruin what you have. If it is important for you to know how many, than you let her know, I am sure that when she feels like she can trust that you won't be mad or disappointed, she will tell you.
Remember, anyone can lie about this stuff, at least she is being honest about her past. Some people avoid the truth altogether. Try to be patient and not focus so much on what she did before you, you don't want it to cause distance and tension in the relationship.
IF you do care, that is OK, just don't obsess over it.. allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have and then let it go..

I guess my reaction is just to the sheer number. I was raised in a extremely catholic family, and sex wasn't supposed to happen until marriage.

I don't feel inadequate or less experienced, we have a wonderful sex life.

This is just one of those, "I wanna know, but I dont wanna know" topics for me.

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Originally Posted by noIdeaWhatToPutHere

I guess my reaction is just to the sheer number. I was raised in a extremely catholic family, and sex wasn't supposed to happen until marriage.

I don't feel inadequate or less experienced, we have a wonderful sex life.

This is just one of those, "I wanna know, but I dont wanna know" topics for me.

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Well being raised in a catholic family didn't effect you too much as you said you've had 3 partners... before marriage.

So why should that apply to her?

I mean, does it really matter how many partners she has had? Is it going to make or break your relationship? If it is, this isn't a relationship you should be in.

The fact of the matter is... she is with you. What she has done in her past sexually (since you said you both are "disease free") isn't effecting you.

I would say she gave you a general idea (less than 20)... you should just leave it at that and back off... otherwise I'm pretty sure this is going to harm your relationship.

Well, your religious upbringing may be completely different than hers. Even though sex isn't supposed to happen until marriage, you are having it before being married, as well. I think the number is important because she is the girl and you are the guy, because if it were about religion, it doesn't matter, even if you did it once.
I didn't mean to assume that you are feeling inadequate, just mentioned that as a possible reaction to the number of people she was with. If your relationship is going well and your sex life is good, why should the number matter?
YOu can't hold her responsible for what she did before she knew you. I understand your feelings and like I said, you have a right to have them. Maybe just not place so much importance on them.. you know the saying.. curiousity killed the cat!@ You didn't choose a virgin so I guess you can't be too choosy, you know what I mean?
I think it will be OK, maybe find a way to talk about it without making her feel defensive. I think she doesn't want to say the number because she is afraid what you will think of her. IT isn't like she is a stripper, or been with 50 guys or something. THen again, people fall in love despite those odds, everyday. I guess you need to decide how important this really is, and if it isn't really, and you have a great relationship, try to let it go..
By the way, I grew up in a very religious, Catholic family as well. It certainly never was the deciding factor in when I had sex. I didn't even think about religion when I had sex. I worried about getting pregnant!
I do know what you mean, just be careful not to set standards for women that you don't set for yourself..

Yea I know the logic is all messed up... but it still bothers me.

I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes you know?

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Originally Posted by noIdeaWhatToPutHere

I guess my reaction is just to the sheer number. I was raised in a extremely catholic family, and sex wasn't supposed to happen until marriage.

I don't feel inadequate or less experienced, we have a wonderful sex life.

This is just one of those, "I wanna know, but I dont wanna know" topics for me.

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HAHA, yeah, that's how it is usually about past sexual experiences.. you want to know, but at the same time, you don't...

And just because she says she can count on her fingers and toes doesn't mean she really can. Women tend to forget about partners easier than men, like they usually have to sit down and write a list and really think in order to know the actual number. Don't know why that is, but that's how they are...

Oh really?

I think it's that men count things as sex that women don't. For example, to men, a blowjob is 'sex'. For women, it's foreplay. Doesn't count.

I can tell you the name of every guy I had sex with, and when we had sex. Every guy I made out with? Not a chance.

I resent the heck out of the idea that I might just "forget" how many partners have penetrated me... that's not something, regardless how good or bad it was, you generally forget.

As far as the numbers--forget it. Seriously--you have to find a way to make it NOT matter. Because if you press her for it, she's going to get mad, and with reason. You have no RIGHT to know that information. As long as she's clean, and honest about any encounters that may affect YOUR relationship with her, a number is just that--a number.

I will say that if I had a boyfriend, partner, etc. that obsesses about my sexual past to either get over it or get moving on. Honestly. What was before is just that. It is not now. She is with you, if you have forgotten.

When you speak of your strict religious upbringing and yet you have sinned according to your faith, then you cannot throw stones.

I just have a couple of questions for the time being, and that would be, how do you know that you are both free of any STDs? Have either of you been tested recently?

If you are bothered by this, I don't think the relationship stands a chance. End it before you do or say something that will really hurt her feelings.
The next woman you get, don't have sex with her and make it a criteria that she has has sex with no more than three guys.
It's a bit prudish to have sex with a woman you've only been dating for 6 months and then get hincky with her cause she's been with more partners than you.

I'm not obsessively bugging her about this, we've talked about it a few times and that's been about the extent of it.

Yes it bothers me, but I'm not going to end my relationship w/ her. I have a lot of in my past that I'm not proud of either.

I just was tested for both STD's and HIV and I was clean -- since we've been sexually involved for about 8 months now, I'd consider us both clean.

I guess the purpose of all this is to finally but my mind at ease about the whole thing.

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Originally Posted by noIdeaWhatToPutHere

So heres the deal.

I'm 25, my girlfriend is 29 -- we've been dating for awhile (> 6 months)

I've had three partners, my girlfriend has yet to tell me exactly how many she's had.

When asked about, shes claimed she can count on her fingers and toes so I know its less than 20 -- worst case.

She claims she was sexually adventurous when she was younger.

I tell myself I dont care, were both disease free, etc, etc. Why am I having such a hard time w/ this?

Help out here folks, I want to put this to rest.

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I understand. I've been on both sides of the # thing.

Maybe you should think of it this way:

No matter what her # is, she is with you, so you can't be half bad, right?

Perhaps some in that #, she is embarrassed about and regrets.

Perhaps some in that number were not worth the effort of taking clothes off for.

Nothing will be a biggger turn off than showing your insecurities and lack of confidence by badgering her or dwelling on the # thing.

Any boy can have sex, but are you a man that can love her? That means..
Accept her for who she is
Respect her
Trust her
Make her feel secure
Provide for her
Listen and talk with her
Be yourself
Make her laugh
etc...





Grace and Peace

Quote:

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Originally Posted by noIdeaWhatToPutHere

I'm not obsessively bugging her about this, we've talked about it a few times and thats been about the extent of it.

Yes it bothers me, but I'm not going to end my relationship w/ her. I have alot of in my past that I'm not proud of either.

I just was tested for both STD's and HIV and I was clean -- since we've been sexually involved for about 8 months now, I'd consider us both clean.

I guess the purpose of all this is to finally but my mind at ease about the whole thing.

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What prompted you to get tested? Is it the guestion you're dealing with. Does she know you got tested?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What prompted you to get tested? Is it the guestion you're dealing with. Does she know you got tested?

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Oh I was in for a routine physical and it was a "while I'm here" kind of thing. Nothing more than that.

No, she does not know I got tested.

I think you bothered by this more than you realize and soon it will affect the way you treat her. You should not be with someone with whom you are wondering about their past sexual life. It is not fair to them.