How can I deal? My mother recently passed from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed nine years ago, right when I turned 20. I am the only child and raised in a single-parent household. I have taken care of my mother until the end. I am missing her like crazy, she was not only my mother but my sister and best friend. During her sickness 4 years ago, I met a man and we became very close friends. I eventually learned after dating him several months that he was in a committed relationship and a child was just born. Of course I was hurt and angry at him because now I have to walk away and I've already grown to really like him. He came in my life when my mother's cancer turned for the worse, I was very vulnerable. We stopped talking for a short time but I couldn't shake him. I wanted him to leave me alone that wouldv'e been easier. I never wanted him to break up with his woman. I just wanted to be apart from him but he continued to pursue me. I fell weak and the next thing I knew two years had past. Within this 2 year period, I grew to love him and wanted to be with him more and more. I felt he was fair game, he wasn't married but always thought he would in turn cheat on me because of how we met. I moved on and met a very nice man that was not committed, we were able to do all the things I couldn't do with the prior man. I kept my friendship (platonic) with him though, that's the only thing I could have with him was his friendship. Things seemed to be okay and we would talk once a month or every other month (purely innocent). Yes, I still wanted to be with him but these feeling weren't right. I struggled with this for four years. Out of my frustration and the fact that he was still pursuing me with his woman still in the picture. I hurt him and basicllay told him to let me go, I have moved on and even if I was single I wouldn't want you. Three months past and I learned that he committed suicide. Once again, How can I deal? All I think about is him and I regret every word I said to him, I regret even being with him. I feel so sorry for being with him while he had a woman, I really tried to leave right when I found out, but he had me wrapped up mentally and physically and he still does. All I think of is his woman and child and I want to reach out to her but know that I can never. I would never want to hurt her more than what she is hurting now. I'm in my new relationship of almost 3 years and I feel guilty for even thinking of my past with him. I was never fully over him, I moved on to remove him out of my mind and now he is all I think about. How can I deal with his death and then my mother's?

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Originally Posted by Fushia

How can I deal? My mother recently passed from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed nine years ago, right when I turned 20. I am the only child and raised in a single-parent household. I have taken care of my mother til the end. I am missing her like crazy, she was not only my mother but my sister and best friend. During her sickness 4 years ago, I met a man and we became very close friends. I eventually learned after dating him several months that he was in a committed relationship and a child was just born. Of course I was hurt and angry at him because now I have to walk away and I've already grown to really like him. He came in my life when my mother's cancer turned for the worse, I was very vulnerable. We stopped talking for a short time but I couldn't shake him. I wanted him to leave me alone that wouldv'e been easier. I never wanted him to break up with his woman. I just wanted to be apart from him but he contined to pursue me. I fell weak and the next thing I knew two years had past. Within this 2 year period, I grew to love him and wanted to be with him more and more. I felt he was fair game, he wasn't married but always thought he would in turn cheat on me because of how we met. I moved on and met a very nice man that was not committed, we were able to do all the things I couldn't do with the prior man. I kept my friendship (platonic) with him though, that's the only thing I could have with him was his friendship. Things seemed to be okay and we would talk once a month or every other month (purely innocent). Yes, I still wanted to be with him but these feeling weren't right. I struggled with this for four years. Out of my frustration and the fact that he was still pursuing me with his woman still in the picture. I hurt him and basicllay told him to let me go, I have moved on and even if I was single I wouldn't want you. Three months past and I learned that he committed suicide. Once again, How can I deal? All I think about is him and I regret every word I said to him, I regret even being with him. I feel so sorry for being with him while he had a woman, I really tried to leave right when I found out, but he had me wrapped up mentally and physically and he still does. All I think of is his woman and child and I want to reach out to her but know that I can never. I would never want to hurt her more than what she is hurting now. I'm in my new relationship of almost 3 years and I feel guilty for even thinking of my past with him. I was never fully over him, I moved on to remove him out of my mind and now he is all I think about. How can I deal with his death and then my mother's?

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Oh, Fushia! You certainly have more than your share on your plate! First of all, I commend you for reaching out for help. Whether online or in person, it's important to get this all out. Unfortunately, a big problem for most caregivers is that caregiving is so incredibly time, energy and money intensive, a lot of our friends and family slip into the background... or just can't understand. Then, when our loved one finally dies, we are missing more than just the person, we are missing OUR OWN LIFE to boot. I know. I took care of my mother until she died of cancer too, only it was ten years ago -- when I was your age, coincidentally. I certainly have a better perspective now, but remember every little detail still.

It may seem odd or presumptuous for a stranger to say this, but I can already tell that you're going to be okay. Your posting says so much. First of all, you're intelligent, literate, thoughtful and insightful. These traits will stay with you rich or poor, young or old, as long as you are willing to be truthful with yourself, even if it hurts. And you're already trying, or you wouldn't have posted. Right now, you are in deep shock, very sad and probably angry, too. How could you not be? If you're forgetful, don't seem to be able to get much done, etc. please be patient with yourself. It will get better, especially if you keep your expectations simple. Try to eat right, sleep enough and GET EXERCISE, even if you just walk around the block. I am no gym gal, believe me, but even if you have to force yourself, threaten yourself, you need some exercise (simple, brief is okay) to balance your emotions, allow your physical self to heal, too. Studies have shown exercise can be as effective as anti-depressants, at times. Which, by the way, I also recommend if you have been solidly depressed for several months and just can't seem to get going on anything.

Secondly, please take a moment to honor yourself for taking care of your mother. For me, this is still the thing I'm most proud of, even if I wish certain things had gone differently. You tried. You were there. That's the important thing. You are totally allowed to feel terrible that you lost your mother and don't let anyone insinuate there is a time limit on grief! Or, my personal fav, that you should "feel lucky that you had such a great mom at all". Of course you do, that's why you miss her, right?? A lot of hospitals have FREE bereavement groups, by the way, if money is an issue. EVERYONE can use a bereavement group or therapy when they lose someone important to them, no matter how healthy, busy, or 'accepting' they are. If your mother used Hospice, their social worker may also either run a free or low-cost group, or know about them in the area. Also, you can check with her dr's office, though I found doctors the least helpful in this regard.

Thirdly, the old boyfriend. I know you probably know, intellectually at least, that his suicide is not your fault, but feeling guilty or overwhelmed comes with the territory. Just remember that his problems had to have begun way before you came into the picture, or he wouldn't have been in the situation he was in, have pursued you and stayed in his relationship to begin with. No matter what you said or did, whether you stayed or left, it can't compare to the psychological issues that allowed him to rationalize leaving his small child fatherless, I'm sorry to say. That type of self-image and world view begins in childhood. That he felt so worthless, hopeless and yes, angry and punishing, has nothing to do with you. This is the truth, otherwise breakups would lead to suicide everyday, all day. And remember, you only broke up with him after years of trying to make it right. He was the one that wouldn't make the changes necessary - either to have a real, honest relationship with you, or to do the same with his significant other and the mother of his child. A big indicator of a very troubled person, despite many good qualities I'm sure. If drugs or alcohol were in the picture, this also complicates things. No letter can offer the type of information or support you need to cope with this, though. Please continue to try and get help - and company! - in order to make your peace with his decision. If you don't have women friends, try and make some. They're the greatest source of constant support you'll ever have - and the least complicated. It's not as hard as you may think, either. They're everywhere.

Grieving takes a long time. Grieving two complex relationships makes it harder. As for the man you're dating now, take it from me, please don't do anything rash until you feel yourself again. Unless he's treating you badly, don't break-up. Or get married. He may be the best thing that ever happened to you, but you don't know it because you've been too addicted to this unattainable, rejecting guy who hooked you like heroin. How can you know anything for sure now? Just treat him well. Make sure he treats you well. Don't be put off if he seems dull, or you don't "feel the same way" about him as you think you should. Give it time. And if you need space to grieve, a good man will give it. If he's been willing to hang around with all you've been through with your mother, this is a VERY good sign. Dating is hard. Marriage is harder. Loyalty and honesty are key -- two traits your former love clearly did not possess, to everyone's great harm.

Well, I hope this missive helps in some small way. You are young and finally free of all the entanglements that kept you bound, no matter whether they were good or bad. Freedom is scarey when it's new, but slowly it is as wonderful as you can imagine.

Love and Serenity,

B.

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Originally Posted by Fushia

How can I deal? My mother recently passed from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed nine years ago, right when I turned 20. I am the only child and raised in a single-parent household. I have taken care of my mother til the end. I am missing her like crazy, she was not only my mother but my sister and best friend. During her sickness 4 years ago, I met a man and we became very close friends. I eventually learned after dating him several months that he was in a committed relationship and a child was just born. Of course I was hurt and angry at him because now I have to walk away and I've already grown to really like him. He came in my life when my mother's cancer turned for the worse, I was very vulnerable. We stopped talking for a short time but I couldn't shake him. I wanted him to leave me alone that wouldv'e been easier. I never wanted him to break up with his woman. I just wanted to be apart from him but he contined to pursue me. I fell weak and the next thing I knew two years had past. Within this 2 year period, I grew to love him and wanted to be with him more and more. I felt he was fair game, he wasn't married but always thought he would in turn cheat on me because of how we met. I moved on and met a very nice man that was not committed, we were able to do all the things I couldn't do with the prior man. I kept my friendship (platonic) with him though, that's the only thing I could have with him was his friendship. Things seemed to be okay and we would talk once a month or every other month (purely innocent). Yes, I still wanted to be with him but these feeling weren't right. I struggled with this for four years. Out of my frustration and the fact that he was still pursuing me with his woman still in the picture. I hurt him and basicllay told him to let me go, I have moved on and even if I was single I wouldn't want you. Three months past and I learned that he committed suicide. Once again, How can I deal? All I think about is him and I regret every word I said to him, I regret even being with him. I feel so sorry for being with him while he had a woman, I really tried to leave right when I found out, but he had me wrapped up mentally and physically and he still does. All I think of is his woman and child and I want to reach out to her but know that I can never. I would never want to hurt her more than what she is hurting now. I'm in my new relationship of almost 3 years and I feel guilty for even thinking of my past with him. I was never fully over him, I moved on to remove him out of my mind and now he is all I think about. How can I deal with his death and then my mother's?

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Ask God to guide you and he will as long as you have the good times in your mind of them they will always be with you. It is time to move on you can not bring them back I lost my Dad last year and yes I am a pastor

Very, very Helpful... THANK YOU!!