Ask Me Help Desk - Worried about boyfriend

My boyfriend just found out today that one of his real good friends that he hasn't seen in a while (because he moved away) was in a car wreck and died. So far my boyfriend hasn't cried yet, but I know he must really be hurting inside. They were really good friends and ever since my boyfriend and I began dating, he has brought him up over and over again. I keep telling my boyfriend, you really need to go let it out and have a good cry. Im worried that he's going to hold it in and I do not think that's a good idea at all. I think, although I've never really lost someone I was very close to (knock on wood), that it would be impossible to heal unles you have a good cry. I just don't know what to do because every time I bring the subject up, which has only been about 3 times, he quickly says "im fine" and changes the subject. I know I should leave him alone about it, but I just really don't know what to do because its hurting me to know that he's hurting. I know he's got to be hurting really bad inside.. this is such a difficult situation.

One thing I've already learned from this, though, is to never get in the car with a drunk person. His friend (who is only 21) was in the passengers side, had his seat belt on, but was riding with a drunk guy. Now I look back at times I've gotten in a car with a drunk person and I feel really stupid. I mean, you never really think about what could happen to you. Even if you are driving just right up the street, anything could happen. Its mindblowing.

But anyway, does anyone know what I could do to help him?

Some people cope with loss by mourning alone and in private. It could sometimes be embarrassing for them, or whatever. My father died when I was 15, my sister was 13. I cried. My sister did not. Or at least I thought she didn't. She just would not let people see her cry because she wanted to be "the strong one". Just because you have not seen him cry doesn't mean that he hasn't. I would suggest bringing the subject up just one more time, and when he replies with his usual, "I'm fine." Tell him that you are there to listen and not judge that you are sympathetic and love him. That's all you can really do. Hope this somehow helps.

Thanks FutureMrsDavorin. I'll give it another try tomorrow. I told him if he was embarrassed he could find somewhere to let it out, like in the bathroom alone. We're in college and he lives in a dorm. I wasn't sure if he was embarrassed to cry in front of his room-mate. He said he wasn't, but who knows. I hope he can let it all out soon, though.

All you can do is all you can do... and that also includes saying your piece and letting him work through it in his own way... so you need to walk the delicate balance of not imposing on him to grieve in the "proper" manner, while still keeping a caring eye on him.

I dated a person who didn't know how to handle the grief that accompanies death... where I've seen it enough that I can handle it much better than she did. You just got to let each person find their own way. But I think you are doing the right thing. You are present, concerned, and you are trying to give him a chance to open up.

Don't be frustrated. And don't be impatient. It may take some time before he is ready to talk about it.

We guys sometimes go into our caves. It isn't right or wrong. It just is. I personally think the best you can do is be caring and understanding, but don't make this an issue... until it needs to be, and Lord knows when that is.

On another note... in addition to your perspective about getting into cars with people who have had too much... remember this: no seat belt or air bag can save you in a high speed crash. I know its not easy to read, but the internal organs of the body tear to shreds when decelerated at a high rate. I think people think too highly of the safety features in the cars today, and while it can save lives (esp seatbelts) there is no substitute for safe driving.

A friends 21 year old daughter just died two weeks ago. She was in a "safe" car, with a seatbelt and an air bag. The body just isn't meant to decelerate from 80 mph to 0 in a second.

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Don't smother him. Don't be clingy. And be willing to talk, even if it means he says no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mwilliams15

Thanks FutureMrsDavorin. I'll give it another try tomorrow. I told him if he was embarrassed he could find somewhere to let it out, like in the bathroom alone. We're in college and he lives in a dorm. I wasn't sure if he was embarrassed to cry in front of his room-mate. He said he wasn't, but who knows. I hope he can let it all out soon, though.

You're welcome... hope it goes well:)