I was dating my boyfriend for about 5 years. And 2 years into our relationship we had a child. We were both pleased and very happy but unfortunately we split when our daughter was 3 and a half.
We were apart for 1 year but he continued to ask for me back, we'll we got back together a few months ago but only to find out that the girl he was seeing was carrying his child. I know he did not do this to me intentionally. I don't know how to cope with this situation and the fact that the girl's due date is my daughters birth date. My boyfriend and I love each other very much and want to marry but we argue about this problem. What do I do and how do I get through this. I'm emotionally depressed and need some help. The story is complicated and I could write for hours but I will spear you for now.
Thanks for any advice given!

When you argue about the situation, what are you fighting about? How to be in the baby's life? How to deal with another child in your relationship? How to compromise with the baby's mother?

I can't imagine how stressful this must be. My only advice at this point is to go to couples therapy and try to resolve the issues you have between you. This baby and its mother will be part of your lives forever, so its important to move forward with a positive outlook. Before you enter into a marriage you want to have a clean slate and a good understanding... otherwise it's a recipe for failure.

Good luck

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Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

When you argue about the situation, what are you fighting about? How to be in the baby's life? How to deal with another child in your relationship? How to compromise with the baby's mother??

I can't imagine how stressful this must be. My only advice at this point is to go to couples therapy and try to resolve the issues you have between you. This baby and its mother will be part of your lives forever, so its important to move forward with a positive outlook. Before you enter into a marriage you want to have a clean slate and a good understanding... otherwise its a recipe for failure.

Good luck

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Thanks for your response. We argue because I feel like I have no say in what will happen. I realize this child is innocent and I will care for this child as if it were my own. This other women still wants him in her life , that may be why its hard to accept. I'm also very unsure of how to explain this all to our four year old daughter and when to introduce her to her new sister? I also bring up the fact that he was very irresponsible, I may be pushing him away by doing so. I feel hurt and betrayed even though that wasn't the case. I can also be a bit jealous which plays a great part in all this! Again thanks for listening and I agree with the couples therapy.

Let me get this straight. You broke up with him. You rebuffed his effrots to get back together until you finally gave in. While you were NOT together he had relations with another women which has resulted in a child.

So what's the problem? The ONLY issue I see here is a concern that he will get back with this women. And I don't see that as a major concern because he is ultimately choosing you.

As to explaining this to your daughter how did you explain that you and daddy where shacking up when she was born? You explain the sister the same way.

But frankly, if you love this guy and you plan on marrying then I don't think you have ANYTHING to complain about.

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Originally Posted by tinal0816

Thanks for your response. We argue because I feel like I have no say in what will happen. I realize this child is innocent and I will care for this child as if it were my own. This other women still wants him in her life , that may be why its hard to accept. I'm also very unsure of how to explain this all to our four year old daughter and when to introduce her to her new sister? I also bring up the fact that he was very irresponsible, I may be pushing him away by doing so. I feel hurt and betrayed even though that wasn't the case. I can also be a bit jealous which plays a great part in all this! Again thanks for listening and I agree with the couples therapy.

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I can certainly understand arguing about that. It will be hard because like it or not this woman will always be in your lives. If you get married, rules should be set very early on determining what your roll will actually be. Sure, you're an adult and respect and love should be mutal with you and his other child, but will you be expected to discipline when necessary? You'll have to start talking about what will work for you. It sounds like taking a backseat isn't your style... which is good... so dad and mom need to come together and talk about your future roll in baby's life.

As long as your 4-year-old is exposed to the baby early on, it won't be as hard. Just tell her its her brother/sister and leave it at that. She may or may not ask questions... go with the flow of what she can understand. When she's older she'll have a more natural understanding of the relationship.
(I was 12 when I was "introduced" to my 6yr old half sister... dad just brought her home one day... he had been in her life since birth. I wouldn't recommend that approach ;))

I agree with the coming to terms with your man and the baby's mom. Everyone needs to agree on what is expected from each person and who/how they will care for this baby. Also having the other woman there when your man says that you two will be getting married will make it crystal clear where his heart is and will help to ease your mind.
Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by tinal0816

I was dating my boyfriend for about 5 years. and 2 years into our relationship we had a child. We were both pleased and very happy but unfortunatley we split when our daughter was 3 and a half.
We were apart for 1 year but he continued to ask for me back, we'll we got back together a few months ago but only to find out that the girl he was seeing was carrying his child. I know he did not do this to me intentionally. I dont know how to cope with this situation and the fact that the girl's due date is my daughters birth date. My boyfriend and I love each other very much and want to marry but we argue about this problem. What do I do and how do I get through this. I'm emotionally depressed and need some help. The story is complicated and i could write for hours but i will spear you for now.
Thanks for any advice given!

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Wow what a tough one... well I guess you have to look at it this way, it is what it is, and the other baby won't go away so you have to come to terms with the situation(even though tough one) what's going on with the other child,who has custody? Anyone paying child support? Cause it could get really bad if the mother pulls child support on your man and then financially YOUR family will hurt, iknow I'm going through that with my ex and mynow wife and new baby, and I pay 1000 bucks a month for my kids, and as far as the babies due date and your kids birthday on the same day, might not happen on the same day, might be close though, just try not to think of the negative because it WILL drag you down believe me, hang in there mom aloha...

I understand where your coming from I've been through a situation somewhat similar yet worst. I was with a man for a little over 2 and a half years, and about 2 years into our relationship I found out he had cheated on me, we broke up of course but after a while I forgave him and we got back together then a few months later she tells him she's pregnant. I tried to deal with and stay with him but in the long run I couldn't get over it so after going through all our arguments and fights we just broke up. I'm not saying leave him of course not. I miss him everyday but what I am saying is you have to really sit down and talk with him about how this will affect your relationship and family in the long run. Because of the fact he was with her after you guys had split you should take that into consideration when your arguing with him. Is he worth the trouble of keeping? If yea, your going to have to pray and really work to put this behind you, and learn to move on. Keep in mind if he loves you the way you say, he's probably hurting when he sees you hurting over it too.

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Originally Posted by NotUrOrdinaryGirl

I understand where your comin from I've been through a situation somewhat similar yet worst. I was with a man for a little over 2 and a half years, and about 2 years into our relationship i found out he had cheated on me, we broke up of course but after a while i forgave him and we got back together then a few months later she tells him shes pregnant. I tried to deal with and stay with him but in the long run i couldnt get over it so after going through all our arguments and fights we just broke up. I'm not saying leave him of course not. I miss him everyday but what i am saying is you have to really sit down and talk with him about how this will affect your relationship and family in the long run. Because of the fact he was with her after you guys had split you should take that into consideration when your arguing with him. Is he worth the trouble of keeping? if yea, your gonna have to pray and really work to put this behind you, and learn to move on. Keep in mind if he loves you the way you say, he's probally hurtin when he sees you hurtin over it too.

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Thanks so much for the advice. It really helps to hear other peoples opinions on my situation!