Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend and ex.

I am after your opinion on the following; last week walking home from a party and after a rather good night at a party, my girlfriend said to me that her ex-boyfriend may be at her front door (at 2am). So I asked her 'why would he be at your door at this time of the night.' She said she did not know. He had texted her and said 'wake up lazy!'.

I could not understand how on earth she would deduce that he would end up at her door.

I am not happy with her even being 'friends' with him, though I would not totally preclude it. What I think is totally unacceptable is him (or the possibility of him) being at her door at 2am on a Saturday evening.

What is his agenda? He is an ex, and it is a rather strange thing to be doing.

I asked my girlfriend about it again tonight, and was at pains to explain that I do no have a trust issue with her, in relation to him, but that I am wary of what HIS intentions are, and that she should tell him to not come round at such an hour.

She wasn't too willing to accept that it would be dubious of him to come round and that it hurts me. Instead she was giving me the cold shoulder as if what I suggested was unreasonable and that I should not be worried about his intentions because they are just friends.

Am I alone in thinking it is wrong and being hurt by it?

Again, I stressed that I do not distrust her; rather that I am not happy with him feeling he could come round at that time just to say hello or whatever.

In the end, he did not come round, and my girlfriend he said he has NEVER been round that late - just that he might.

What is your advice on this? I have made up with her after she was giving me the cold shoulder over the issue, but I need to know that I am not over-reacting.

Thanks. We've been properly going out since end of April and were dating for a few months prior to that.

Hey Snuffy, I don't think that you over-reacted to the situation at all. An ex is exactly that, an ex. And he shouldn't be coming around that time of night or even talking to your girlfriend on a regular basis. Its unfair to your relationship if you have exes hanging around everywhere. How would she like it if you were hanging around with your ex or had the possibility of being visited by your ex? Plus, only certain things go down between people at 2 am so your right in being a bit upset about that situation. If she doesn't respect this, then you have to ask yourself if she really takes you and this relationship seriously. You have to respect each other and each other's viewpoints and beliefs to continue growing together. Believe me, small signs like this can lead to other problems later if their not addressed. Don't over-react, just be aware

I would be concerned with her boundary issues which she clearly has. Anyone who maintains a friendship with an ex has to establish some hefty boundaries (i.e, not showing up at ex's house at 2am).

It also has to do with how long ago they broke up. If this is the ex before you then I would be concerned but if this is an ex from 5 years ago chances are that it has really dissolved down to a true friendship and his intentions are probably nothing but honest. This however does not address the serious red flag of severe boundary issues.

For the time being I would not start a fight over it but keep an eye on it. If you feel uncomfortable there is probably good reason (just like women can read women better then men - men are able to read men better then women).

Just to clarify; he did not actually show up in any case. And I have her word that he never actually has before. She just got the idea that he 'may' show up. I found it odd that she got that idea based purely on a text that said 'wake up you lazy so and so.. '
It is some jump in logic to think he would show up at 2am despite it being apparently unprecedented.

What annoyed me is that she does not seem to think it would be a major issue IF HE WERE TO SHOW UP at such a time in the evening.

Clearly, I feel and believe that it is very dodgy to find this kind of behaviour acceptable. He was the ex immediately before me which concerns me. Though she is adamant that she would totally brush him off if he were to try it on.

Again - I think there should be a boundary as you put it so as to ensure there is no opportunity for him to try anything.

I trust her when she says she does not want him and solely wants me, but still I find it very difficult to face, that she talks to him face to face at her doorstep.

Easy way to find out is to tell her that one of your exs "might" be over at 2am and see what her reaction would be

Quote:

Originally Posted by jereme

easy way to find out is to tell her that one of your exs "might" be over at 2am and see what her reaction would be

I tried putting that point across and she didn't really get into it.

She knows what I think of the situation and knows it is not a trust issue. It is just common decency and obviously such odd behaviour is going to play on my mind.

I have told her to let him know that he cannot ever feel he can come round at such an hour.

Why is it that I feel like I am the 'bad'one here. It is really annoying.

I don't believe in trust very much so I would worry about it.. ex's are very.. well sneaky. And you'll always have those feelings you know?

Quote:

Originally Posted by brookeleigh

I dont belive in trust very much so I would worry about it..ex's are very..well sneaky. And youll always have those feelings you know?

Its not the girlfriend that I do not trust. It is him. I do trust the girlfriend as without trust what do we have?

She was being defensive with me last night and not really happy with me bringing it up so no doubt I will be in the doghouse for a while.

If she is fine with me then I will be OK, and those feeling won't resurface as long as the ex fella does not come round at that time.

Yah just make sure he doesn't come around.. boys are hard to trust!

Personally, I would be worried by the fact that she doesn't think it's a big deal with him possibly showing up at 2am. I really don't have any suggestions as to what to do, but to me that would be a huge warning sign.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

How old are you?

24 and she is 18.

If I were you I would drop it. She knows where you stand. I assume she is the 18yr old? Most girls at this age are used to getting their own way and lay a pretty harsh guilt trip if they don't. She'll get over it

She is YOUNGGGGGGG.

Let it go. And don't get her pregnant... And understand she is at least 5 years from getting any degree of real relationship type stuff... so just take it for what it is... enjoyable affection. Don't expect it to be like a marriage.

Well as my subsequent posts on different topics show; I am now a dumped man 2 and a half weeks on from this.

I hammered the nail in the coffin that weekend - I am sure of it, by making such a big fuss about this. Bye bye relationship.

She thought I could not trust her even though I said I did.

I knew this would cause a problem and I was right; it became a self -fulfilling prophecy.

There's a lesson for me.

On the posiive side I have not contacted her since the break-up. And more, I know that a week or two before this incident with her ex boyfriend that everything was totally fine between us. It goes to show how becoming controlling possessive needy clingy insecure and gloomy can totally change a persons feelings for you - like hitting a light switch.

So on the positive note I know with no contact and a real improvement in MYSELF that I have a fighting chance of her wanting me again.

She will be equally confused and dismayed as to how I can get over her so quickly as I am doing (in a way). And those feelings she 'lost' for me can come clambering back at a rate of knotts.

If they do not then I know that she was not worth being so in love with anyway.

Somehow I just feel that she WILL realise she misses me because the damage I did has not been totally ingrained into her mind.

Please other people reading this is a similar situation. Follow the advice that is on here.
People on here are wise and have been there before, long before we have. They are objective, unbiased, open-minded and trust me they know. Follow their advice if you want someone back.

You have to get YOURSELF back before you can have any hope of getting them back. Self improvement in every way.

Go to the gym or work out, do things for yourself. Become attractive and act like it.

Cut your losses. If they come back to you then you can approach it with a balanced open mind. Once they see that you are not obsessive over them you have a hance.

If you do contact them and beg moan whinge etc then your chances of them FEELING IT for you are... zero.

To get them back you have to not want them back. Cast your mind back to how you first met, what you were like. They will fall for you maybe.

Learn from the mistake. To learn you have to admit them, recognise them and rectify them.

Good luck all.

Don't be a bloody insecure idiot like I did. You reap what you sow.

Dude, it's just... life.

Better to learn lessons now than when you are 50.

It'll all be fine.

BLOODY Ex's!!

I totally see where your coming from. My last g/f's ex CALLED her and she did nt pick up but she failed to tell me he called and I gave it to her good, needless to say she was pissed and pulled out the trust thing on me, it eventually ruined the relationship.

I suspect it is quite normal to be feeling the way you are, I mean ex's are a touchy subject, why do they still call, why do our girls still talk to them? And all that! Guys being guys we always assume that HIS intentions are that of a sexual nature and so we react. I dobeleive that it shows a caring towards the girl (althoughI have played that line and it does not go over as well as I had hoped) but it really does, we are protective, if we weren't it would be a sign of not caring. Sowhat you are doing is natural, I would tell her you do not want to make a big deal about it but tell her you care for her and areonly trying to protect her, well not protect her but guard her because she is withyou now, I think she will come round on this.

Be cool and once its cleared NEVER mention it again unless he continues to press, otherwise you'll end up like I did:(

Probably should have read your previous post before giving you advice, you actually DID end up like me:(

Well at least the advice I gave before reading it was true:)

Sorry mate, welcome aboard!