My boyfriend recently discovered he had a drinking problem and by trying to avoid losing me stopped drinking completely.
He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in over 2 months, and he refuses to go to AA.
I have noticed him depressed and we no longer sleep together.
All his friends are alcoholics and they cocnstantly tease him for not drinking, so when he is with me, I feel like he recents me. Despite the fact that I wasn't the one who asked him to stop drinking. The only thing I said was that I loved myself too much to be with someone who is constantly trying to put me down when he drinks.
I feel bad for him cause I understand it might have been difficult to realize your entire life was alcohol. That your friends only like you cause you have money to drink. That you don't have hobbies cause all you do is drink. I understand, it is not easy.

How can I help him during this transition?

When I was 19 or 20, my lady took a stand regarding my drinking. Her dad was an alcoholic and she was not going to stay married to a drunk.

Her position was rather unique. She never forced AA. She never fought with me about it.

What she did do was make me my own choices about my drinking. Eventually I chose myself right out of drinking. If I remember some of the dilemmas my lady gave me.

One was regarding drinking or paling around with a bunch of drunks. Her questions to me (when I had sobered up were: Who did you marry, me or your friends? Why would you want to go out with your friends when I'm sitting at home. Why can't we go out instead of your getting plastered.

For me it was an education. But I'm a slow learner probably like your boyfriend. You might try letting him know that you like the sober him much more the drunk him. And then go from there.

If his friends tease him over something as trivial as drinking then why would he want to be mates with them? I realise friends are important but what's point of surrounding yourself with people who are going to put you down because you're trying to better yourself? I commend him for stopping completely because he doesn't want to lose you, that means that he must really care about you, even though you didn't ask him to.

If he doesn't want to go 2 any AA meetings maybe he could consider counselling? That might help him to figure out how to handle drinking better, so that he doesn't have to stop completely and can still go out for a few drinks with friends, but not over do it. Or maybe the two of you could come up with a similar plan working out boundaries for him. He must know his limits and when he feels like he's getting drunk and you know the point when he starts being an unpleasant drunk (like how many drinks it takes for him to become that way). If he doesn't want to talk to someone else then that's just an idea of something the 2 of you could do.

Hope that helps. All the best for the 2 of you

I like the answers above. People are trying to help you. It is a difficult situation. I will give my bit of imput also.

Are you sure that he has been completely dry for two months? If he is still hanging around his friends who drink, then I would find that hard to believe. Usually, when people quit drinking alcoholic beverages altogether, they try to avoid the situations where they might be tempted to drink. Please excuse me for being suspect, but I really do wonder about him not drinking if he could be in situations where drinking is happening and when you might not be present.

I do wonder also about what positive, affirming, uplifting, non-blaming and supportive communication you have given to him based upon what you say in your post:

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I feel bad for him cause I understand it might have been difficult to realize your entire life was alcohol. That your friends only like you cause you have money to drink. That you don't have hobbies cause all you do is drink. I understand, it is not easy.

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My recommendation, based upon what you have posted, would be for him to get tested by a mental health professional for the depression, drinking and problems that you are having as a couple. If money might be a problem, then many municipalities have places you can go where there is a sliding fee scale. You might pay very little or nothing at all.

Please know that I am not trying to blame or be judgemental of you. I am just giving you an answer based upon the information that you have given.

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Originally Posted by October girl

My boyfriend recently discovered he had a drinking problem and by trying to avoid losing me stopped drinking completely.
He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in over 2 months, and he refuses to go to AA.
I have noticed him depressed and we no longer sleep together.
All his friends are alcoholics and they cocnstantly tease him for not drinking, so when he is with me, I feel like he recents me. Despite the fact that I wasn't the one who asked him to stop drinking. The only thing I said was that I loved myself too much to be with someone who is constantly trying to put me down when he drinks.
I feel bad for him cause I understand it might have been difficult to realize ur entire life was alcohol. That ur friends only like u cause u have money to drink. That u dont have hobbies cause all u do is drink. I understand, it is not easy.

How can I help him during this transition?

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October,

Please consider contacting Al-Anon. While your BF might benefit from AA, Al-Anon is for you. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. Whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not, Al-Anon offers hope and recovery to all people affected by the alcoholism of a loved one or friend.

Al-Anon is a fantastic support group than can help you much more than any responses you read in this forum. Check it out.

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Originally Posted by October girl

My boyfriend recently discovered he had a drinking problem and by trying to avoid losing me stopped drinking completely.
He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in over 2 months, and he refuses to go to AA.
I have noticed him depressed and we no longer sleep together.
All his friends are alcoholics and they cocnstantly tease him for not drinking, so when he is with me, I feel like he recents me. Despite the fact that I wasn't the one who asked him to stop drinking. The only thing I said was that I loved myself too much to be with someone who is constantly trying to put me down when he drinks.
I feel bad for him cause I understand it might have been difficult to realize ur entire life was alcohol. That ur friends only like u cause u have money to drink. That u dont have hobbies cause all u do is drink. I understand, it is not easy.

How can I help him during this transition?

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Stand by your man his drinking habit is part of a deeper battle he needs healing because he can't find the peace he is looking for

Quote:

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Originally Posted by October girl

My boyfriend recently discovered he had a drinking problem and by trying to avoid losing me stopped drinking completely.
He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in over 2 months, and he refuses to go to AA.
I have noticed him depressed and we no longer sleep together.
All his friends are alcoholics and they cocnstantly tease him for not drinking, so when he is with me, I feel like he recents me. Despite the fact that I wasn't the one who asked him to stop drinking. The only thing I said was that I loved myself too much to be with someone who is constantly trying to put me down when he drinks.
I feel bad for him cause I understand it might have been difficult to realize ur entire life was alcohol. That ur friends only like u cause u have money to drink. That u dont have hobbies cause all u do is drink. I understand, it is not easy.

How can I help him during this transition?

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Hi my name is chery and I just want to tell you something... I know that it's difficult now but in a few years time he's going to be so glad that he had you in his life, cause if it was not for you, where would he be? Things will get better just keep on supporting him and love him, I know how you feel, my boyfriend is a drug addict and it tears me apart, but I am doing everything in my power to help him and support him. And if that's the way his friend treat him, they're not real friends, real friends support each other. I really hope things will work out for you guys, I wish you all the luck in the world and you'll be in my prayers

Hey folks,

Why are several responders trivializing the alcohol problem in this situation?

Oct. Girl, is stuck in a environment where whatever she does is wrong. The ground the rules shift around the amount of alcohol consumed. One gets nastier than the day before
How many of us lived in that cesspool.

My parents never got along, my father's drinking was an embarrassment and fuel for all manner of fights. My oldest brother left the house when he turned 16. My middle brother, dropped out of high school and joined the Marines. He had just turned 17. Several years back, I asked him what it was like on “Monkey Mountain, Chul Lai, Viet Nam,” without hesitation he told me it was no worse than being home on Friday nights.

I've laid in bed and watched and listened to my father call out the window to every female he could see on the street to get one or two to come up and playhouse with him.

My sister who is three years younger than me was not allowed to live upstairs with us. She stayed downstairs in my grandmother's home.

My last memory of my father in our house was the night he staggered in, picked a fight with my mother than started beating her. When I jumped into the fray, I also got clobbered. Finally I managed to get him outside the door and literally kicked him down the stairs. I believe I also got a baseball bat and stood guard at the door. I was 14.

Years later, after I was married, I reconciled with my father to a very small degree. That was after several runs with AA before he was finally able to stay on the program. To this day, I consider him to be the only truly useless humanity had ever let live. Both my parents are dead now but the crap is just as real.

Oddly enough, while I don't believe that my father was useful in any way he was able to help my wife who was despairing over the premature birth and death of our second son.

Drunks can kill a family faster than the plague!

He may still be trying to absorb the reality of the things you have mentioned. He may even be trying to figure out which way he wants to go with his life. Right now all you can do is be supportive. Can you get him to get involved with some hobbies or anything?
Before my old boyfriend died he told me he realized none of his buddies were real friends that they just used him for the party times with him but nobody cared about WHO he was or what he felt. So without saying that to him prove it that you care about who he is and his interests and be there for him through the thick and the thin.
Maybe you could find a way to ask him if he wants you with him or if he would rather you weren't there because you don't want him to feel like he is stuck with you or anything.

Another thought: Go buy yourself a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous." Inside of AA, it's referred to as the "Big Book." Read it, and pay particular attention to the chapter titled "To Wives." It contains lots of useful information on how to deal with your alcoholic partner.

I truly appreciate your experience. My mom and dad fought, but only when he quit drinking. Alcoholism and addiction affect people individually.

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Originally Posted by donf

Hey folks,

Why are several responders trivializing the alcohol problem in this situation?

Oct. Girl, is stuck in a environment where whatever she does is wrong. The ground the rules shift around the amount of alcohol consumed. One gets nastier than the day before
How many of us lived in that cesspool.?

My parents never got along, my father’s drinking was an embarrassment and fuel for all manner of fights. My oldest brother left the house when he turned 16. My middle brother, dropped out of high school and joined the Marines. He had just turned 17. Several years back, I asked him what it was like on “Monkey Mountain, Chul Lai, Viet Nam,” without hesitation he told me it was no worse than being home on Friday nights.

I’ve laid in bed and watched and listened to my father call out the window to every female he could see on the street to get one or two to come up and playhouse with him.

My sister who is three years younger than me was not allowed to live upstairs with us. She stayed downstairs in my grandmother’s home.

My last memory of my father in our house was the night he staggered in, picked a fight with my mother than started beating her. When I jumped into the fray, I also got clobbered. Finally I managed to get him outside the door and literally kicked him down the stairs. I believe I also got a baseball bat and stood guard at the door. I was 14.

Years later, after I was married, I reconciled with my father to a very small degree. That was after several runs with AA before he was finally able to stay on the program. To this day, I consider him to be the only truly useless humanity had ever let live. Both my parents are dead now but the crap is just as real.

Oddly enough, while I don’t believe that my father was useful in any way he was able to help my wife who was despairing over the premature birth and death of our second son.

Drunks can kill a family faster than the plague!

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