I need to explain my question a bit. I have been dating this guy for 5 months. From the get go we were amazing together, laughing, hanging out and most importantly always kissing. I fell for him hard. We couldn't get enough of each other. We slept together until after a fist month. And it was a bit awkward since he is very inexperienced, I believe he has been only with one more person. But I didn't care cause I really liked him. Then we started trying more and more to make our sexual relationship work. And it was slowly going through the right path. Month 3, we moved in together for financial reasons and things were going great! Suddenly I started noticing we were fighting a lot, I realized it was because he was drinking more. He drank when I met him but I guess he was trying to keep himself together in front of me. But after 3 months he started drinking almost everyday and getting super drunk and fighting with me. He started going out with me. And I LOVE GOING OUT! I felt like he wanted me to be a housewife while he drank with his buddies. Anyhow, one Friday he went to work and never came home. I didn't call him. I knew he would do something like that. The next morning I was ready to break up with when he came home and started apologizing for his actions and confessed he had a drinking problem. I knew that a long time ago. Then he said he had gone to a strip club and felt bad and guilty blah blah blah. I forgave him because I have a saviour complex! I want to help people, and since that incident which has been 2 months now, we haven't slept together at all!! It is driving me insane! Because I am in my 20's being physically rejected lowers yourself esteem. I feel ugly and fat, despite the fact that I am a very beautiful, smart and successful career woman. He hates talking about sex. BIG elephant in the room. How do I ask him to sleep with me again, without him completely freaking out (AGAIN since he flipped out a month ago when I asked him).? And as much as I love him... would I better off breaking up with him?
I need some advice.

Thanks.

Please get out of that relation ship while you can. You cannot fix an alcoholic. I can tell you are a sensitive person that believes she can effect a change, but it won't happen because, even if he wants to he can't. Charm comes with explainations about why he did not come home. Ignore the charm and find a man worthy of your full love and attention. Perhaps buy yourself a toy to hold you over.

I agree with 2fun4me
Guys are everything you want them to be until they figure they have you wrapped around their finger--you have sex with them, you move in with them or you simply act like you can't live without them. Then they move to phase two: Take you for granted, don't have any interest in things you enjoy like going out, start letting their addictions get worse, start treating you crappy and it just gets worse cause they want you to accept them for who they are while they expect you to change your life to accommodate them. They don't want to face that the drinking and drugs is not who they are but actually the very thing that really changed them and you just want the real them.
You are in a no win situation as long as you stay with him
Trust me
Been there done that!

Drinkers are dangerous sweety. Trust me been there done that and thankfully came out the other side. You may think you love him but I tell you now-you cannot help him only he can and if you stay you will end up hating him. If he doesn't end up abusive he will at the least humiliate you when you go out socially. Your young and can do better.you shouldn't have to ask for sex from your partner it should be a natural occurrence. Best of luck and I hope I have helped.

Thanks for all your responses. I believe you are all right and that scares me.
I don't quite know how to break up with him. I tried twice already and the moment I see him crying I feel so bad, and guilty and all those horrible bad feelings.
It is hard breaking up with someone when you know you still have feelings for them.
And to be quite honest I am terrible at breaking up, I usually Sabotage my relationships so that when they no longer want to be with me it comes up more like a mutual agreement. How do I do this?

You said he lives with you? Pack his bags, change the locks and tell him you want to break up. That way you don't have to worry about seeing him again. With a drinking problem, you want the transition to be as quick as possible... or you may end up with a lot of trouble on your hands. Do you feel comfortable suggesting for him to find another place? If you do, give him a deadline.

Update- So here I am again. I followed your advice and broke up with my boyfriend Sunday morning after a failed romantic Saturday night.
He asked why I was leaving him and I told him that I couldn't handle the rejection anymore, that myself esteem was at its lowest and that I couldn't trust him cause I had so many questions that were unaswered.
He got angry, then started crying and asked me what those questions were.
1st - that night when he didn't com home did he cheat on me?
2nd-Every time I come into the room and he is on the comp he jumps as if he's done something wrong. Suspicious
3td- Why won't he sleep with me. Is it that he finfs me repulsive.

He explained that , the night he went MIA nothing happened and he stands by his word, but the reason he doesn't want to sleep with me is because besides hurting me and not feeling like he deserves it, he can't perform for reasons of being judged. He said that because he has never seen me Orgasm then he feels like he can't satisfy me and gets blocked.
Fair enough since, he is right. Not that I judge his performance but it has been hard for both of us in that regards. Still I love him and I couldn't care less whether I can Orgasm or not.
Anyhow, we worked it out and I felt better and decided to stay... nut did you notice how he didn't answer number 2?
Sunday night I came to the room and he endeed was shutting the computer and looking a bit suspicious. And I said what were you doing and he said, looking at my hi5 and pics. I didn't think any of it cause we had decided to trust each other.
Monday was a wonderful day, we had a blast and things seemed to be moving on the right direction. I was cheking my e mails when I got one from hi5, so I opened my hi5 and looked at the recent activity. I noticed my boyfriend had added 2 people last night (sunday night). It was 2 girls. One of them had naked pictures of herself on the site. I looked for any connection to him whether they were friends of his bro or something like that and nothing, the girls weren't even from his own country. So I decided to ask about them camly. He came in very happy kissed me and said, what's up baby... And then I asked who those girls were. At first he looked confused, like were had he heard those names. And then I said hi5. And he was like, I don't know them, they are friends of my bro (LIE number 1) and I was like "really". Then I said but did you notice they are not even from here... he was quiet. Then I said very calmly I don't know if you noticed but one of the girls is naked on her site... and he said "really??? Lets go see it". That's when I said "Are u seriously saying to me u hadn't noticed she was naked???!!!". He was like I didn't see the pics just added her (LIE number2). Then he said he would take them down of from his friends list... long story short he got angry cause felt like he could no longer do anything. We had a fight, he then admitted to me to watching the pics but that it didn't mean anything and then he said "why do u let someting so small bring us apart" and that's when I snapped. And I said... that it wasn't the slutty girl from hi5 the problem. The problem was all the LIES. The problem was that I have been living in hell for the past 2 months thinking that I am ugly, and unattractive because he won't touch me and here he is looking at soft porn! I told him all the times I just wanted to kill myself cause I was so confused and sad and alone. At this point he started crying and saying "I wont do it again" . And I said that is not the problem "I am not punishing you" I need an explanation why you were doing that knowing that we need to be building our trust and our self esteem as a couple. He cired so much and came to the conclusion he was a monster and could no longer be with me cause he had caused me so much pain (TRUE). He volunteered to leave. This is the part I don't understand. I had my open door, I was finally free... still had no answers about the internet and the girls, but was free to change my life and no longer be with him. He finally acknowledged we weren't on the same playing field. And then... I couldn't follow through. I saw him completely on the ground traumatized for the fact that he had hurt me and lost me. And had no where to go. I cave in. He made me promise that he would only stay if he didn't hurt me anymore, that the moment I felt bad I should tell him and he would leave right away. I agreed. But noticed how for the third time he didn't answer the computer question?
I felt asleep well, halfway through the night I realized he Didn't answer the question, that would haunt me to this very minute.
WHAT HAVE I DONE? Do I like feeling pain? If I were reading this, I would advice the girl to leave! So If I kow what the right thing is, why don't I do it?
It's tru that with him I re-discovered love! Andi had never felt like this for anyone. But at the same time, isn't my sanity worth more, and there must be someone out there who is going to love me as well and that I will love back.
I AM SUCH A MESS!

Make him answer the computer question, and depending on that answer and if he does hurt you again, you can ask him to leave. I suppose if you're at this point, one LAST chance won't hurt. Explain to him that it is his last chance.

I think you have allowed yourself to become dependent upon this relationship and you are attracted to him for all the wrong reasons. Anyone who gets too addicted to porn ends up not being able to deal with sex with real people. Often it is difficult for them to get an erection, even if they are attracted to their partner. His drinking is a separate issue and his responses by lying and crying are typical of domestic abusers. No one here can say what you need to hear to make you leave him. YOu feel emotionally responsible for him, even though you aren't even satisfied in the relationship. To put it simply, he is going to have to hurt you more, lie consistently, drink constantly and cheat on you over and over before you wake up and realize how much time you have wasted. That is what your wasting.. your precious time and your precious life.
IT is sad that you want approval from someone as immature and unhealthy as him. No one should put up with this kind of behavior, but people do, every day. Women have stayed with their men after getting beat so badly they are hospitalized, but when they see their man break down and cry and apologize, they forget all about what they have just been through.
IT is obvious that you are co dependent. That means you not only enable his behavior, you depend on it. You need help to get out of this mess and that is exactly what it is. Let me ask you, someday maybe you will have kids. Is this the kind of father you want for them? Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel worthless, unloved and is a drunken fool? Do you want to waste your youth trying to save someone who can only save himself?
Listen, you need to focus on yourself. You need to stop waiting for someone else to make you feel worthy and loved. IT has to come from WITHIN YOU! That means that you have to love yourself and feel worthy of being with someone that deserves you! Not wishing someone thought you were attractive or waiting for someone to have sex with you. The worst thing you could've done, was move in with him. IT made everything worse because now you deal with the real him. You aren't going to change him, no matter how much you love him. YOu aren't going to satisfy his needs, because they aren't normal and you aren't going to help him by being his savior. YOu are going to make the situation worse by enabling him to behave this way and treat you horribly.
IT's your life, but give yourself the advice that you would give your own best friend, sister, or daughter. Expect and want the best for yourself. NO one else will do it for you. You have to see yourself as worthy of better and than allow yourself to move on to have it.
IT will take you having some serious, dangerous encounters with him to wake you up, if you don't do it before it goes to the next level.
This is a warning, this is your life and no one can save you but yourself. Same for him. Let him save himself and you start worrying about you.
I know you are going to write back and say he says this and that and he wants to kill himself without you or something. Do you want to be responsible for this guy? Do you want to be with someone that does nothing but bring you down.
YOu are young, beautiful, smart, and very capable of living without him. Now when are you going to see that yourself? Only you can answer that.

Thank you SO much for all these words. I completely agree with you. You are right. ANd that is exactly what I would tell my sis and best friend.
I have been in a pathological relationship before, and ended that. So how come I can't end this one. I know it is different from the other one but I still get hurt.
Once again THANK YOU SO MUCH. I take every word into account and it helps me as support cause I feel very alone right now. I need to let this words sink in, prepare myself mentally I fight for me.
Thanks

Well, I'm sort of in that kind of situation like yours. My boyfriend is loving and wonderful. But never had any thoughts of having intimacy with me more than once a month which some times bores me. His ex used to have big jugs (E cup) and he onced joked at me for having small puny ones.

We love each other but we did have fights like yours. Never understanding what is wrong, yet it turns me off whenever I have to fake it. We do understand that guys watches porn but of course, it must be controllable. Any how, I've found out that he likes girls with big jugs. And we've even accused each other's dissatisfaction on body parts.

I understand that you are not a hungry sex female just wants to have sex, nor your jealousy reeks. It's not your mess to feel that way, nor to blame yourself. I've always believed that love is one entity, while sex is another. No man can ever claim to be a saint and that we as women should be proud of our body. So do not be sad! It's his loss, not yours!

You shouldn't feel rejected. You should have been rejecting him for failing to recognize his drinking problem and for not considering you or the relationship as a priority. Draw the line for your own well being and tell him to get help NOW (you'll verify) or he's gone. That's what you do just like millions of other's have done and if he succeeds then you both win, if not then you must survive without this person.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by October girl

How to approach my boyfriend into having sex with me?

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Hello girl:

With a thong, no top and a come hither look in your eyes. No talking necessary.

excon

Quote:

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Originally Posted by October girl

I need to explain my question a bit. I have been dating this guy for 5 months. From the get go we were amazing together, laughing, hanging out and most importantly always kissing. I fell for him hard. We couldn't get enough of each other. We slept together until after a fist month. And it was a bit awkward since he is very inexperienced, I believe he has been only with one more person. But I didn't care cause I really liked him. Then we started trying more and more to make our sexual relationship work. And it was slowly going through the right path. Month 3, we moved in together for financial reasons and things were going great! Suddenly I started noticing we were fighting a lot, i realized it was because he was drinking more. He drank when i met him but I guess he was trying to keep himself together in front of me. But after 3 months he started drinking almost everyday and getting super drunk and fighting with me. He started going out with me. And I LOVE GOING OUT! I felt like he wanted me to be a housewife while he drank with his buddies. Anyhow, one friday he went to work and never came home. I didn't call him. I knew he would do something like that. The next morning I was ready to break up with when he came home and started apologizing for his actions and confessed he had a drinking problem. I knew that a long time ago. Then he said he had gone to a strip club and felt bad and guilty blah blah blah. I forgave him because i have a saviour complex! I wanna help people, and since that incident which has been 2 months now, we haven't slept together at all!!! It is driving me insane! Because I am in my 20's being physically rejected lowers ur self esteem. I feel ugly and fat, despite the fact that I am a very beautiful, smart and succesful career woman. He hates talking about sex. BIG elephant in the room. How do I ask him to sleep with me again, without him completely freaking out (AGAIN since he flipped out a month ago when i asked him). ??? And as much as I love him...would I better off breaking up with him?
I need some advice.

Thanks.

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Tell him relationships involve sex and so do you and if he doesn't want any you are threw.

Update again.
First I want to thank everyone once again for your input. Trust me I wouldn't be able to go through with it without your help.
I have done a lot of the things u've suggested and things have changed for the better. By the way, Excon I did try the thong, not top and what not and I still got rejected. OUCH! Anyhow, I am very happy to tell you guys, that I had a chat with the boy and told him eveyything that was bothering me, the lies, the drinking and the lack of intimacy. He HEARD ME! Most importantly he listened to me and understood me. He had already stopped drinking anyway, he has been sober now for over 2 months, and the lies have stopped. He is more open with me and the intimacy has begun slowly. It has been so interesting because it is like re-descovering eveything. The first time and so on. I am very happy and I can now see how much he loves me and therefore has decided to work harder to not lose me. After the awful STORM I can now feel peaceful and happy. One thing he DID ask me though, was that in the future if he hurt me in anyway I should tell him, and he would leave.
I appreciate all the work he's put into the relationshio now. I know it is not easy.
I want to thank all of you as well, for helping me through it. I felt alone, and like I was drowning but reading your posts made me feel better.
THANKS

It's very obvious you love this person and you keep feeling like there is a smallest ounce of hope that change will take place. Just because you break up or get away from each other right now doesn't mean that he won't grow up and come to his senses, or you for that matter. You can't make him change. He has to want to. You have to always remember that you are putting yourself through your own pain. If you keep taking him back then he learns all he has to do is cry and he gets his way. A lot like children. If you set the standard that you are not going to baby him then he will learn that he has to grow up and make a change, not cry and get his way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by October girl

I need to explain my question a bit. I have been dating this guy for 5 months. From the get go we were amazing together, laughing, hanging out and most importantly always kissing. I fell for him hard. We couldn't get enough of each other. We slept together until after a fist month. And it was a bit awkward since he is very inexperienced, I believe he has been only with one more person. But I didn't care cause I really liked him. Then we started trying more and more to make our sexual relationship work. And it was slowly going through the right path. Month 3, we moved in together for financial reasons and things were going great! Suddenly I started noticing we were fighting a lot, i realized it was because he was drinking more. He drank when i met him but I guess he was trying to keep himself together in front of me. But after 3 months he started drinking almost everyday and getting super drunk and fighting with me. He started going out with me. And I LOVE GOING OUT! I felt like he wanted me to be a housewife while he drank with his buddies. Anyhow, one friday he went to work and never came home. I didn't call him. I knew he would do something like that. The next morning I was ready to break up with when he came home and started apologizing for his actions and confessed he had a drinking problem. I knew that a long time ago. Then he said he had gone to a strip club and felt bad and guilty blah blah blah. I forgave him because i have a saviour complex! I wanna help people, and since that incident which has been 2 months now, we haven't slept together at all!!! It is driving me insane! Because I am in my 20's being physically rejected lowers ur self esteem. I feel ugly and fat, despite the fact that I am a very beautiful, smart and succesful career woman. He hates talking about sex. BIG elephant in the room. How do I ask him to sleep with me again, without him completely freaking out (AGAIN since he flipped out a month ago when i asked him). ??? And as much as I love him...would I better off breaking up with him?
I need some advice.

Thanks.

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When men tend to reject something that they is good is because he might just be with someone else. You said it yourself that fact that he reject you makes yourself estem feel low. I have a men that makes me feel gorgeous with just a look from far away , so honey you are too young to be attach to too much responsibilities , you need a men who would take care of you . Have some pride in yourself and dump him before you end up bad.

Hi everyone. Haven't posted antyhing in a while.Things have gotten better with my relationship. My boyfriend is almost like a new person. He has changed a lot for the better and he is done it alone. Very proud of him.
My new problems are now effects of what happened between us. I have forgiven him and I love him very much. But when I have those low days (and they have been quite a few) then I think of the bad things he did in the past. And challenge myself on whether I can trust him this time. And I know I can, it's just that when I am feeling insecure those thoughts come to mind. During the struggling months we had I gained 5 pounds and I am not feeling so hot about myself, so when I think of him seeing other women in bikinis (on myspace) I feel horrible. He never does it in front of me but I have caught him watching other girls on the website. Anyhow, I know they are all my insecurities and he is in his right to have privacy but the truth is, it has been a very difficult process for me, and now that he is all better and happy with me, I am the one who needs some support. I am usually not insecure, jealous or possesive, but because of how badly he burnt me I don't know of another way of dealing with it.
You should see him, he so peaaceful and happy and loving. I need to find now my OWN peace of mind without attcking, blaming him or playing the victim.
Thanks for listening

Quote:

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Originally Posted by October girl

I need to explain my question a bit. I have been dating this guy for 5 months. From the get go we were amazing together, laughing, hanging out and most importantly always kissing. I fell for him hard. We couldn't get enough of each other. We slept together until after a fist month. And it was a bit awkward since he is very inexperienced, I believe he has been only with one more person. But I didn't care cause I really liked him. Then we started trying more and more to make our sexual relationship work. And it was slowly going through the right path. Month 3, we moved in together for financial reasons and things were going great! Suddenly I started noticing we were fighting a lot, i realized it was because he was drinking more. He drank when i met him but I guess he was trying to keep himself together in front of me. But after 3 months he started drinking almost everyday and getting super drunk and fighting with me. He started going out with me. And I LOVE GOING OUT! I felt like he wanted me to be a housewife while he drank with his buddies. Anyhow, one friday he went to work and never came home. I didn't call him. I knew he would do something like that. The next morning I was ready to break up with when he came home and started apologizing for his actions and confessed he had a drinking problem. I knew that a long time ago. Then he said he had gone to a strip club and felt bad and guilty blah blah blah. I forgave him because i have a saviour complex! I wanna help people, and since that incident which has been 2 months now, we haven't slept together at all!!! It is driving me insane! Because I am in my 20's being physically rejected lowers ur self esteem. I feel ugly and fat, despite the fact that I am a very beautiful, smart and succesful career woman. He hates talking about sex. BIG elephant in the room. How do I ask him to sleep with me again, without him completely freaking out (AGAIN since he flipped out a month ago when i asked him). ??? And as much as I love him...would I better off breaking up with him?
I need some advice.

Thanks.

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Well I think you shouldn't have bad self esteem!! I live with my boyfriend and I know where you at in this so what I would do is just not let it get to you : ) you know just play the same game but better! Start dressing up more, have more confidence and tease him and make him want you! : ) OK try it and let me know OK

Hey hon thanks for your advice. I do that already, I always dress nicely and have tons of looks. Change my hair all the time, teaste him and all. We are all good with that now, what I am struggling with now is my own self. I am becoming insecure because of what happened in the past. And I need to get over it. Over all I have managed to move on, but when I am feeling low liike today it just hits me like a big yellow school bus. Thanks very much for your advice and I will keep up my femininity since I also enjoy dressing up:)!!