Ask Me Help Desk - Not sure if I'm doing the right think with breakup

OK here's my story and I no its going to make me sound like a big wusss but I just want to be honest with myself from now on. I am 28 and my girlfriend I guess ex now is 22 we have been dating for 2yrs months we have out normal difference and arguments we are pretty different her mother makes excellent money and is able to buy her anything she wants pretty much. So she's use to a lot of high end things I make a OK salary 56, 000 and can't keep up with a lot of that stuff and it is a strain on me that I can do that when I no that's what's she need or is use to. That's only one small part of it I mean that's not always on my mind but enough to start a fight over it now and than. Others things are arguments over things she does that gets me mad and me doing things to spite her you no the little games that are played sometimes. The last few weeks I feel like there's something different in the way we interact with each other and talk and hang out. For example she can stay out all nigt when she with her friends but iif were not doing anything like movies eating or constantly moving she wants to be around other people or go home. And that all makes me think and then the money thing comes in to play and we arguee.. Today I picked her up from school and we went to the farms she slept the whole way up there and we bickered a bit. While there we boughtthings for her friends I made a comment are we getting any money back for this and she started with a attitude and that got us into a argument so after speaking about it for 10 minutes I asked is it your not happy and that's just it and she said no and I kept going on like I wanted her to say that's she's not happy. After a but she did say that she does not see a future with me and so on. And how she is miserable sometimes and how she's in love with me and all that. We finally got to the point were we were broken up. And it was by her now we have a 2hr ride home we were talking crying and all that. So now she said were better as friends and I told her I can't to that it would be to hard on me and she said OK but I want to still come to the dr appt with you on Friday I have to have some stiches taken out. I also said no to that cause it is really going to be hard. Most of my friends moved far away a few of them overdosed on drugs and the rest I don't no were they are so her friends were pretty much my friends so I really don't have no one to talk to I made friends with like 15 guys and girls from there. And anway not only do I not feel OK talking to them still ecspecially about her. I don't want to pull family in yet cause I'm to upset.. soooo I don't no what to do how to handle this or even how am I going to stopp myself from calling were do I turn..

Sorry for the long unmaly story any advice would be great

Hay chris. I wrote u a personal message.

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Originally Posted by chris28

ok heres my story and i no its going to make me sound like a big wusss but i just wanna be honest with myself from now on.

Being honest with yourself is the furtherest thing from being a wuss.

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Originally Posted by chris28

I am 28 and my girlfriend i guess ex now is 22 we have been dating for 2yrs months we have out normal difference and arguments we are pretty different her mother makes excellent money and is able to buy her anything she wants pretty much. so shes use to alot of high end things i make a ok salery 56, 000 and can't keep up with alot of that stuff and it is a strain on me that i can do that when i no thats whats she need or is use to.

Let's cut the BS. She's a spoiled. That being said, do you live in NYC or something? Because $56,000 is good salary, especially (I'm assuming) with no child expenses to pay for.

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Originally Posted by chris28

That's only one small part of it i mean thats not always on my mind but enough to start a fight over it now and than. others things are arguments over things she does that gets me mad and me doing things to spite her you no the little games that are played sometimes. The last few weeks i feel like theres something different in the way we interact with each other and talk and hang out. For example she can stay out all nigt when she with her friends but iif were not doing anything like movies eating or constantly moving she wants to be around other people or go home.

She's doing or did in this case what is called letting herself down easy. She saw the break up coming and instead of just ending where by she would have a void she kept you around and slowly let herself down emotionally.

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Originally Posted by chris28

And that all makes me think and then the money thing comes in to play and we arguee..

Even though she is spoiled this had nothing to do with money and more to do with you second guessing yourself all the time. You let your insecurities drive your arguments and if you start an argument with a woman based on your own insecurities she's going to take notice, and to be honest you got off very lucky because most women would actually use your own insecurities against you. If you tell a woman that you not good enough then at some point she's going to start saying to herself, “If he says he's not good enough, then why not find somebody who is?”

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Originally Posted by chris28

Today i picked her up from school and we went to the farms she slept the whole way up there and we bickered a bit. while there we boughtthings for her friends i made a comment are we getting any money back for this and she started with a attitude and that got us into a argument

Okay I'm confused here.

First why would you even say such a comment? It makes you look insecure and greedy which is not going to be attractive to her.

Second, why is she using your money to buy her friends gifts? Tell her to spend her own money. It's like you want her to be happy so you offer her as much money as you can, but then you get mad at yourself so instead of facing your own issues of insecurity about the money issue you get mad at her friends of all people, who probably don't even realize this is going on.

The issue is with you and in this regard you have to quit being the “big wuss” and put your foot down and say, “I'm not buying it” or “If you want so and so to have that pay for it yourself.” Women are going to ask you questions like this at various times just to test you and see what they can get from you anyway. You don't have to be a prick about it, you just have to say “No, I'm not buying it.”

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Originally Posted by chris28

so after speaking about it for 10 mins i asked is it ur not happy and thats just it and she said no and i kept going on like i wanted her to say thats shes not happy. After a but she did say that she does not see a future with me and so on. And how she is miserable sometimes and how shes in love with me and all that. we finally got to the point were we were broken up. And it was by her now we have a 2hr ride home we were talking crying and all that.

Believe me, I am not trying to mock you for this but you can not cry in front of a woman over a break up. It's not right, but they think it means your weak and it makes you look bad in their eyes. If she already doubted the relationship as we know she did, having a emotional cry with her ex wasn't going to bring any kind spark back that she would want.

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Originally Posted by chris28

So now she said were better as friends and i told her i can't to that it would be to hard on me and she said ok but i wanna still come to the dr appt with u on friday i have to have some stiches taken out.

Why would she want to come to that?

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Originally Posted by chris28

I also said no to that cause it is really going to be hard. Most of my friends moved far away a few of them overdosed on drugs and the rest i dont no were they are so her friends were pretty much my friends so i really dont have noone to talk to i made friends with like 15 guys and girls from there. and anway not only do i not feel ok talking to them still ecspecially about her.

Well, I don't encourage holding everything in, telling her friends is never a good idea and I agree with you that it would only bring more drama to the situation.

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Originally Posted by chris28

I dont wanna pull family in yet cause im to upset.. soooo i dont no what to do how to handle this or even how am i going to stopp myself from calling were do i turn..

Sorry for the long unmaly story any advice would be great

Well I think you have to NOT call her. She wanted the break up so you have to honor it. At this time find some short term goals and start striving towards them. Start working out. Take your focus off her.

Hi Chuff, you hold great wisdom. Very conforting words of encouragment and I am really going to try not to speak with her it is going to be hard but that is what it is. O and yes I live in brooklyn NY and its expensive to live ughhhhhhhhhhhhh o man its killing me. I love this girl and I do feel it might be time to move on. It just the starting over from friend to everythingd else we went away with her friends from skiing camping, hiking, movies you name it I feel like I'm starting over. But on a positive note I already made plans for breakfeast 2morow with a old buddy we will see what happens from here.

Give it time she will MISS you thaats right MISS YOU... and if she doesn't well she isn't that into you amyway...

No your righttttt that's what I'm fighting to do no contact that's my goal

Okie so today was the first day that I have not talked to my ex I kept buisy all day even buisy a few times I felt saddened . One thing I could say is I haven't had much of a urge to call her yet... I did start to doubt myself saying I'm not going to call and then if I don't will she think I don't care?? Or if I call would I be a wuss and make thinga worse but point heere is that I didn't call but I do feel pretty down a few times today... :)

Okie so today was the first day that I have not talked to my ex I kept buisy all day even buisy a few times I felt saddened . One thing I could say is I haven't had much of a urge to call her yet... I did start to doubt myself saying I'm not going to call and then if I don't will she think I don't care?? Or if I call would I be a wuss and make thinga worse but point heere is that I didn't call but I do feel pretty down a few times today...

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Originally Posted by chris28

i did start to doubt myself saying im not going to call and then if i dont will she think i dont care ??? or if i call would i be a wuss and make thinga worse but point heere is that i dint call but i do feel pretty down a few times today.....

What was the breakup situation like? Who broke up with who?

If you are not together anymore I don't see why you would care if she cares.

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

What was the breakup situation like? Who broke up with who?

If you are not together anymore I dont see why you would care if she cares.

Well a few reason it was mutual at first but I thinkk on my part it was a test and when we actually broke up I panicked o and I have a previos post that explains more thanks for the advice

Since being friends was mentioned I don't see anything wrong with you calling her, as long as you are not calling her too much. I talk to my friends on the phone about once a week. I don't think it would make you look like a wuss, but rather that you are just trying to be her friend.

**EDIT** - Next time you do call her, if she reacts as if you don't care about her because you haven't called her in a few days, ask her exactly what she wants, and how often she wants you two to speak. Sometimes to know what a person is thinking, you just have to ask. :)

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Ok, here is your other post so others know what we are talking about : https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-134200.html

Since being friends was mentioned I dont see anything wrong with you calling her, as long as you are not calling her too much. I talk to my friends on the phone about once a week. I dont think it would make you look like a wuss, but rather that you are just trying to be her friend.

**EDIT** - Next time you do call her, if she reacts as if you dont care about her because you havent called her in a few days, ask her exactly what she wants, and how often she wants you two to speak. Sometimes to know what a person is thinking, you just have to ask. :)

You I hear you but see the thing is I don't want to be a secuirty blanket you no like I don't want her to think that we can be friends and let her do what she wants I think that will make it harder how can I move on if we speak and she still does her thing. See I'm really trying to make myself get over this easier but I just don't no what to do I'm so confused

Mate she is confusing you. You are not the one who is confused so cut all contact let her no a break meand exactly that BREAK UP!! NO LONGER TOGETHER! NO LONGER SPEAKING SIMPEL Don't let love cloud your judgement and don't let her talk to youu she just wants to do that till she has had enough

Hey man I am going through a pretty similar situation, don't have any advice for you but just saying that you are not alone. I am confused and hurt as hell, I wish we could all just be happy with those that we love. Good luck

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Originally Posted by chris28

ya i hear u but see the thing is i dont want to be a secuirty blanket ya no like i dont want her to think that we can be friends and let her do what she wants i think that will make it harder how can i move on if we speak and she still does her thing. see im really trying to make myself get over this easier but i just dont no what to do im soo confused

If you want to get over it, then it might be best if you just stopped talking to her. I know what you mean about being a security blanket, and you should not have to be anyones security blanket.

Talk to her whenever you are ready and whenever you feel like it, and if you never feel like it, you might be better off.

Trust us and you'll even find it on several posts here from people who caved in and made the call. YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL. Your brain which loves to pass time with imagination and imagergy will dream up scenrios where this will work out and you'll live happily ever after... yet the moment, the very moment you call you'll know it's a mistake. It's like people who have attempted suicide from jumping from a bridge or building. The ones that survive always say the moment they jumped they realized what a mistake they had just made. Well calling her is committing emotional suicide.

Also in that above post you admit and talk about the negative but look at the positive and focus on it. You just proved to yourself that you can go a day without talking to her. You have some momentum. Not a lot but enough. Now all you have to do is go another day. If tomorrow you feel like you can't do that then just go for the hour. You have done well so far so give yourself credit and keep focusing on the good you have and have accomplished.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Trust us and you'll even find it on several posts here from people who caved in and made the call. YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL. Your brain which loves to pass time with imagination and imagergy will dream up scenrios where this will work out and you'll live happily ever after....yet the moment, the very moment you call you'll know it's a mistake. It's like people who have attempted suicide from jumping from a bridge or building. The ones that survive always say the moment they jumped they realized what a mistake they had just made. Well calling her is committing emotional suicide.

Also in that above post you admit and talk about the negative but look at the positive and focus on it. You just proved to yourself that you can go a day without talking to her. You have some momentum. Not a lot but enough. Now all you have to do is go another day. If tomorrow you feel like you can't do that then just go for the hour. You have done well so far so give yourself credit and keep focusing on the good you have and have accomplished.

Ahhh man is that trueeeee I have to keep reading this when I want to call it enpowers me no I have to occupy my time its mostly mental cause I was with her a lot but was alone a lot as well all the time she spends with her friends and trust me it is a lot of time. Sooo I was just going with the fact she was in my head and all and felt confort in that and didn't complainb when she went out and all well let me no blaber on but please keep that talk commin

You have made a good decision with no contact, and that alone will cut the confusion, which will allow you to better see things in a realistic light. Check out the links to the sticky's in my signature for some really good insights. In the meantime focus on your own life and issues.