I need help with a problem with my Husband.I don't know how to identify the problem,it has really blindsided me.I quit drinking about 2 months ago,my husband had quit before me-due to a DWI he received when we relocated to New Mexico for 9 months,he was so disgusted with his actions ,he just walked away from alcohol.Now we are here in Fort Worth,Texas(we lived here before)we have been back about a month and a half,I have not touched alcohol,let me add it is not a stressful thing to me -i was ready to quit!! About a week after I quit drinking,everything became so nice,peaceful,I had started to get some self-esteem back,life felt great,we spoke really nice to one another,I didn't have to worry about stashing money for a pint of whiskey anymore,no lies.Trust between us was moving at a slow pace,but it was getting reestablished.No,I have never cheated on him,I want to believe him when he says he has never cheated on me.He is so controlling though,and has accused me a lot in the past of cheating on him.I realize that it could be a residual effect of the ex-wife he has that cheated on him,or maybe one of the girlfriends he used to have that cheated on him.He does not ever speak of those things.. it is rare.He only spoke about that in the beginning of our relationship,when we really did not know each other.He is a member of a well known motorcycle club here in Texas,we met at the bar and grill I worked at 5 years ago.He used to come in with one of the women that had cheated on him,I always served them,but I could tell there was a super person behind the bad butt biker mentality he has.Long story short,we dated ,he asked me to move in,I did,eventually we married 2 years ago.Now like I said everything has been great since we don't drink anymore.However,out of the blue the other day,he worked on his bike at the garage we rent on the other side of our apartment complex(the closest one we could get to our apartment)I walked up to the garage to take him a bottle of water ,and see if he needed anything.Well,I started to walk back to our apartment,I saw an older woman outside in the parking area next to our building,I figured she was one of the 12 persons whose vehicle had been broken into recently(she was watching a glass repair man fix her broken car window.Not knowing her,I walked up and asked her if she was one of the people who's vehicle had been burglarized recently.We introduced ourselves,we stood there and visited for 15-20 minutes.My husband drove by,he was going to park the bike at the apartment ,we were later supposed to go to a function with the club he(we) are in.I was in the parking lot speaking to this lady,I was in plain sight when he drove by,he says he didn't see me,and what's worse,we are on a Verizon wireless plan together,well,he called my phone 7 times-my phone never rang once.Yes the volume was up ,I had my cell phone in my hand even!! Me and the lady finished our conversation,I was walking to the apartment,my phone did a beep to let me know I had missed a call,I look at it,notice my husband had called,but now I am about to walk up the stairs to our apt and he is sitting there on the top step with a strange look on his face.He asks me"Where The @#$% were you"?I tell him I was right out the parking lot talking to a neighboor lady who's car was broken into.Auto matically he said I was a !@#$%$# liar,I was a whore,he said who were you with?Did you drink too?Did you take drugs,was it a good @#$! I was dumbfounded!! I asked him"are you serious?"He cussed me up one side and down the other,he hit me kicked me,shoved me down the carpeted stairs in our apartment,he choked me.It was like a demon overtook him,or some really bad entity!! I have been so emotionally drained since that day.. (last Saturday).He took the truck keys away from me,so I could not go anywhere(like to my moms place)he also went to the function and the after party with his club.I am pretty sure he didn't drink,but he has made me so confused and out of sorts,taken the security I had built up,the self esteem everything.He has been really critical of anything I do,questioned me.This was not the way things were before Saturday!He has been so mean and ugly!! I am afraid he will turn on me again at any moment.He has tried to be a little nice,but I don't want to get comfortable again,I 'm scared of whatever it is that is wrong with him! I realize there are 2 sides to every story,but GOD as my witness,I have not done anything but do everything I am supposed to do and then some.He reminds me of my step-dad who was brutally violent and cruel mentally and physically and sexually abusive to me as well.I am so sad and I don't know how to deal with this,I really need help and advice.thanks to those who can help

I spent a couple of years in a 12 Step Program related to Alcoholics Anonymous(not for alcoholism), and I learned more about growing up there than I had learned anywhere else.

I would say spend a few years in AA so you can get your feet planted solidly on the ground.

Good Luck!

All I can do is tell you what I would do...

I would leave, even if I had to walk. Especially if he gets so angry that he kicks, punches, and chokes you. To me it seems that you are in a hostile and captive environment that could potentially be VERY hazardous to you.

Your safety first and AA is a very good idea.

Please be careful and good luck.

Wow he did that and you did not call the police? I would have had him arrested for domestic violence on the spot.

Now, as far as his actions... I can tell you from personal experience, that it sounds as though he is drinking again.

You need to get out of this situation as fast as your little feet can carry you. This is abuse, physical AND mental, and it should not be tolerated one more minute.

Ok here goes,

I am of the biker mentality,most of my surroundings/friends are bikers,I am also a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.

His actions,words,emotional outbreaks,are (in my opinion)from the LACK OF ALCOHOL,its called a DRY DRUNK.

All the symptoms of drinking,with no drink.

10 years ago I quit,but the memories of then are all around,I see it in my friends,A LOT.

Does this make his actions right? he** no! does an alcoholic have full control of themselves(even if they aren't drinking,especially in the first 6 months or so?)NO!

Leave him? if you need to,if you want to.If you want to stay,get the help you and he might need(AA,and Al Anon are the right paths)(again my opinion,and the opinion of MILLIONS WORLDWIDE!)

The road to recovery is long(about as long as the road through all those years of drinking and drugs)BUT only one day at a time,can't be sober tomorrow if I ain't today first.

MY question is,Can I stay sober/clean of drugs today?
I ask that one EVERY morning,so far its been working for many 24 hours,one at a time.

Can he be forgiven for kicking,punching,choking,etc?Only you can say,I only ask you give a program like AA a chance.

PS There are AA meetings for bikers all over the country,poker runs,etc.

Let me know if this helps,
Ken

I would tell him that unless he apologizes and things can go back to the way they were before Sat. (including your keys and his trust back) you feel like you need to leave because you can not handle the thoughts of someone you love doing this to you. Assure him you want to be with him, love and have no interest in messing up how things have been lately. But I wouldn't do it alone in the apartment because he might kick and choke you again. It sounds to me like he is treating you like this for an ulterior motive like he wanted to have an excuse to go to the club alone and/or he has something to hide.

In my own opinion, you should try to make it to AlAnon meetings. This is a support group for families and friends of alcoholics and narcotics users. They will give you advise and information to make you aware of what you are dealing with. As of right now, you have a dangerous situation and probably do not want to leave him because you don't want to "rock the boat". At least if you attend these meetings, you will be aware of what is going on with him and you can handle it differently and be prepared.
Do not underestimate the situation, take control of it immediately.
It is not your fault and you should be aware of it!!