Ask Me Help Desk - Reltionship Issues

I feel like I can talk to no one about my problem. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is afraid I am going to leave him if I keep talking to my mom. I feel like he doesn't trust me at all when it comes to the situation. We didn't talk to my mom for a year then on her b-day I decided to call and asked my husband if it was all right and he said he didn't care. Now because I am talking to my mom he thinks" i am becoming good friends with her and thinks i am going to leave him". When that is not even how I feel. I just wish he would trust me more and give me more credit for things then he does. The only thing is, is he does drink every night. So what am I to do? I don't want to leave my husband and I don't want him to leave me because of the situation. The only reason I am talking to my mom is for our son's well being. Our son at least deserves to get to know his only g-ma. Please tell me what to do? Thank you. :confused:

I'm not sure I understand. Your husband doesn't want you to talk to your own mother?

Wow, sounds pretty controlling and manipulative to me. Not to mention alcoholic.

Personally, if this were me... I'd be back at home with Mom and not him.

I don't think I understand, what is the situation? What's the problem with your mom? I don't know why you wouldn't want a relationship with you mother? Its your mother! And if he drinkes too much maybe you need to talk to him about it. Just because he is your husbond does not what so ever to tell you who you can and can not talk to, and how dare him tell you, you can not talk to your mom!

I think she DOES want a relationship with her mother but her husband does not want her to have that relationship. He is afraid that the mother will talk her into ending the marriage.

This is one way that manipulators and abusers begin the cycle. By keeping the wife away from her family.

Right but something must of happened to get where they are now. She just needs to explain in a little more detail in what brought it to this point...

We need a little more info here. Why is it that you didn't talk to your mom for a year? Does she not approve of your marriage? Has she tried to talk you out of your marriage, or talk badly about your husband, suggest you could do better? Perhaps this is why he is afraid you will leave him?Marriage is a tricky thing, esp if one of the spouses parents disapproves. Its difficult because you have had a teacher/student relationship with your parents all your life. Now you are on your own, married, and a mother. Suddenly you are the teacher, yet still learning so many things. You also have to learn to become a partner in your joint relationship of marriage. Its easy to turn back to your parents for advice and help. And while this can be good at times, its important to remember that you ARE married now, and the person that you need to turn to first and that you need to make all your decisions with, is your husband. When my hubby and I were married, it was a very difficult situation for me to be in. we were married young, got pregnant right away, and his mother did not approve of me at all. She thought I was not good enough for her son, and that I married him too young, cheating him out of many opportunities in life and taking her little boy away. We would fight over this issue often, he loved and respected his mother, and didn't like that we didn't get along. It was hard for him to listen to his mother's dislike for me, but I couldn't help but wonder if he listened to her and regretted marrying me. Every time she would call I would cringe, wondering what she would say, as as such it would make that much more distrusting of her, and his true love towards me. It was a vicious circle. He needs to learn to trust that you will make decisions for yourself, and you will not let others dictate your love for him. But you need to make sure that he can find that reason to trust. You don't need to stop talking to your mother, but should she begin to talk badly about him etc, stick up for him, and tell him that you will not talk to her if she is going to talk badly about the man you love and have chosen to spend your life with. Your mother probably just wants to make sure you get the best in life, but she needs to learn to let go, and only be there when you come to her, because it IS your own life now. As far as your husbands drinking goes, is he abusive with his drinking? Did he drink like this before you got married? You said that the "only reason you are talking to your mom is for your sons well being and that he deserves to know his gma" if that is the only reason you are talking to her, obviously there is a lot of history here that we don't know about. If she has done something bad enough in minds to cause you to not talk to her, perhaps it isn't in your sons best interest to get to know her at this time. Or if your hubby is abusive and controlling, perhaps its time to reevaluate the relationship with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foxy459459

Right but something must of happened to get where they are now. She just needs to explain in alittle more detail in what brought it to this point...

My husband loaned my mom over $2000 from the sale of his house. She never has paid him back, not even until this day. One day while he was gone at work out of town she decided to start in on me saying "are you guys about to move"? We were renting and it got so bad that day to the point where I had locked our new born son and myself in my room until she left to go to work. I was the only one not working. I stayed home and took care of our son. Our lease was about up and we were looking at renting our own place. So long story short everyone I was on the phone with heard my mom yelling at me in the background making all kinds of threats. Until she left my husband's aunt decided to help us out by paying the first months rent, and deposit on the place we are living in now. And she still decided to call me after we moved and harass me by phone. Then I didn't talk to her for like a year almost. I told my husband it was her b-day even though she didn't call me on mine but she did still tell me through a family member happy b-day. Hers is the day right after mine. So I decided to call her and tell her happy b-day. I have been slowly patching things up with her just for our son's well being. It's his only living grandma and he has every right to get to at least spend some time with her and get to know her a little. Like every child should get to know their grandma.

I'm not so sure that they are married. QueenHughes, "this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with"

We had problems with my mother when we eloped. She wanted the marriage annulled. In any event, my mother wanted nothing to do with us. When our son was born, mom would sneak upstairs to the hospital nursery. She worked at the hospital.

The upside was that it simplified where we went for holiday dinners.

Based on your last comments, it sounds to me that his anger towards your mom is reasonable justified. Take the 2X4 of your choice and whack him over the head (metaphorically speaking). Once you have his undivided attention ask him why he believes that you violated his trust and go from there

Quote:

Originally Posted by donf

I'm not so sure that they are married. QueenHughes, "this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with"

We had problems with my mother when we eloped. She wanted the marriage annulled. In any event, my mother wanted nothing to do with us. When our son was born, mom would sneak upstairs to the hospital nursery. She worked at the hospital.

The upside was that it simplified where we went for holiday dinners.

Based on your last comments, it sounds to me that his anger towards your mom is reasonable justified. Take the 2X4 of your choice and whack him over the head (metaphorically speaking). Once you have his undivided attention ask him why he believes that you violated his trust and go from there

Yes we are married, but I don't mind further answers from others.

There is still a missing piece of the puzzle. We now know about the financial issues(which makes sense. Money is precious commodity to young families. Especially when the person you loaned it to has seemingly no concern for returning it, or appreciation for even receiving it.) BUT, there is a more personal issue here. Why would he think that you talking to your mom would make you leave him? What has happened in your history that would make him think that you would have reason to, and would leave him... because you are talking to your mom? Also please consider that with situations as they are, perhaps its best your son doesn't get to know your mom at the present time.when there is conflict, and a child is caught in the middle, if both sides aren't respectful of the other, then the child will suffer because of it. One side may be fine, but the other will (intentionally or not) talk badly about the other side... even if they don't talk badly, children are good at sensing these things. You may end up with a child that doesn't respect you because of you(or mainly your husband from the sounds of it) because his grandma doesn't like him. Or vice versa. Until you can all put things straight, and have a friendly, if not loving, relationship, perhaps its best not to go there yet. Correct me if I am wrong, but from what I can tell he is only about a year old or younger. Correct? At this point, it won't scar him if he doesn't get to know his gma right away. You can't ignore the situation between your husband and your mother, because of the "relationship" you want for your son and her.I think a lot of this is that you miss your relationship with your mom, and wanting a good relationship with your son and his gma is a good excuse to give your hubby so you can talk with her again yourself. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. You should want a good relationship with your mother, and for your son and his gma... however, you can not ignore your relationship with your husband in the matter. If you do, you very well may end up sacrificing your marriage. Just take a step back and look at the situation. Its possible for everyone to work out the situation, and get things back on track. Does your mom not make enough money working at the hospital to make payments to your husband every month?but as I said, I think the financial issues aren't the only issues... there's a lot of personal ones going on that we don't really know about. If you want a happy relationship between your son and your mom, then you need to get a happy relationship going on between you, your hubby and your mom. Situations like this don't stay buried... and the more you try, the bigger they get.

Queen,

I apologize for my incorrect assumption. However, since he seems to doubt your faithfulness, he should be able to tell you why he doubts you.

His reasons maybe real or imagined but you should be able to diffuse them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buggage

there is still a missing piece of the puzzle. we now know about the financial issues(which makes sense. money is precious commodity to young families. especially when the person you loaned it to has seemingly no concern for returning it, or appreciation for even receiving it.) BUT, there is a more personal issue here. why would he think that you talking to your mom would make you leave him? what has happened in your history that would make him think that you would have reason to, and would leave him..........because you are talking to your mom? also please consider that with situations as they are, perhaps its best your son doesnt get to know your mom at the present time.when there is conflict, and a child is caught in the middle, if both sides aren't respectful of the other, then the child will suffer because of it. One side may be fine, but the other will (intentionally or not) talk badly about the other side..... even if they dont talk badly, children are good at sensing these things. You may end up with a child that doesn't respect you because of you(or mainly your husband from the sounds of it) because his grandma doesnt like him. or vice versa. Until you can all put things straight, and have a friendly, if not loving, relationship, perhaps its best not to go there yet. correct me if I am wrong, but from what I can tell he is only about a year old or younger. correct? at this point, it wont scar him if he doesnt get to know his gma right away. you can't ignore the situation between your husband and your mother, because of the "relationship" you want for your son and her.I think a lot of this is that you miss your relationship with your mom, and wanting a good relationship with your son and his gma is a good excuse to give your hubby so you can talk with her again yourself. i'm not saying this is a bad thing. you should want a good relationship with your mother, and for your son and his gma......however, you can not ignore your relationship with your husband in the matter. If you do, you very well may end up sacrificing your marriage. just take a step back and look at the situation. Its possible for everyone to work out the situation, and get things back on track. Does your mom not make enough money working at the hospital to make payments to your husband every month?but as I said, I think the financial issues aren't the only issues....... theres a lot of personal ones going on that we dont really know about. If you want a happy relationship between your son and your mom, then you need to get a happy relationship going on between you, your hubby and your mom. situations like this dont stay burried........... and the more you try, the bigger they get.

My mom doesn't work at a hospiltal. But my husband thinks that she is being sneaky and thinks she calls everyday when she only calls about maybe 3 times a week at that. But when I am on the phone with her he thinks he she's trying to be sneaky and that when he goes into the army, he thinks she is planning something. I'm not sure what he thinks she's planning. Maybe he thinks she'll try and talk me into leaving him. But I would never do that in my life. And I feel like he doesn't trust me when it comes to my own mother. But I would never leave my husband not for anything in the world. The only time I would leave my husband is if someone had a gun to our son's head and requested that I leave him. Even after that I would act like I was leaving him. Just to get our son. My son is my whole world. My husband is my soul mate.

Oh! I apologize, I read donf's response(about the mother working at the hospital and sneaking up to see the baby), and accidentally confused it with yours. Sorry about that! Have you sat down and really talked to your husband about every thing that you are talking to us about? Like really covering all the bases with him? Just asking him to tell you about his concerns, and then letting him talk, without interrupting or getting angry?