Ask Me Help Desk - She breaks up with me and I don't want to lose her.

This is my story...
Its been a week since we broke up.weve been out dating, having fun and sex for 4 years. Right now am good as dead, meaning no life. September 13 I picked her up at her school. She's 20 am 21. Were not studying at the same college. I feel something wasn't right. I asked her if there's a problem. She said she wanted sometime to think and decide for herself. She said she wamted to decide things for her own, making decisions without thinking of me.I know its just an excuse. I gave her a few days. September 16 Monday, we ate lunch together. She still have 2 hours free before her next class. But she said that she have to do her assignments for that class, so I let her go. That happens the next day too. Then that night I texted her and ask what's wrong? She replied " am no longer in love with you!".. my whole world stopped for a minute.I texted her again, she didn't replied. I picked her up at their house the day after. We talked, she said that she doesn't feel any love for me anymore. It felt like my heart will explode. I asked her to give me a chance and she said yes ill give you a chance if you give me time to think. I agreed. I can't sleep that time, I was asking myself why and what went wrong. Then she texted me and said she'll meet me after her class. She said OK ill give you a chance untillthe last day of this semester. That'll be on October 18. I said that was short! The she said "if you dont want it then this is goodbye!"... I have no other options but to agree... after that day I was about to show her how I really feel, I want to comfort her to and give the necklace she wanted. But she refuse to open up.I want to hold her hands but she doesn't want to. I tried to embrace her but she pushed me away.then I tell her. You gave me a chance and now that am trying to comfort you... blah blah blah... she said I gave you a chance to let you know that you don't deserve a chance! That's weird. That really broke my heart. She gave me a chance of no chance?! Then the next day I sit down beside her and talked. I asked her what really is the reason. She said that I was too tight that she can't breathe no more. She said "i want to do things that I want, I want to be free. She misinterpreted me. I banned her from drinking and smoking because her mom sont want it for her. I told her to limit being friends with her other school mates because they were a part of a bad frat at their school.I did those to protect her. Is that wrong? Tell me guys! I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. She all that I have. Please guys I need your help. I can't picture myself moving on. I don't know what to do. Am depressed. I even cut my wrist a few days ago. Luckily my uncle saw me before I run out of blood. Am desperate. I don't know what went wrong. Am I that tight? I tried to explain all those thing to her. That I only did it because I care. Is that wrong? I entered college just for her! Ill be graduating next semester. Am doing my thesis, but I don't know if I still can go on. I can't think right! Her mom trust me a lot. Been crying till now! I can't sleep well. I can't stop thinking of her. I even thought that she might be under the influence of her friends. Most of her friends were guys, they have their gfs but they're cheating them. So how can I trust those friends of her. What if those guys abused her while under the unfluence of alcohol? can't help to think negative things! Am not seeing her till now because she don't want to. Each time I try to pick her up at their school, she always pushed me back and shout at me. Saying she doesn't love me and that I don't have a chance to win her back... I don't know what to do... please I need help... I want her back... please!! Should I keep on fithing or just hold off for awhile... I need help ASAP...

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I want her back... please!! Should I keep on figthing or just hold off for awhile... I need help ASAP...

You've come to the right place, but your not going to like what you hear. She was quite clear and adament as to what she is feeling and what she wants and the only thing for you to do is accept that this is really over and there is no looking back, as she is moving on and you must do the same. I know it's a shock to your system, but you must leave her alone and work on yourself. Click on the links in my signature, for some good insights.

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please I need help...

Get some help for yourself fast, as cutting your wrist because of a break up, indicates a lot of other issues you need to deal with, and should ASAP.

Very hard to cope mate but the best thing you can do is ignore her and get healthy yourself

Gee! Am crying from what I have you posted. I never expected this to happen. I love her. We've been together most of our free time. I showed her everything. I can't sleep and eat that much. I feel so sorry for myself. Is there a way to win her back. I've been to a break up before but its not like this. Am planning to talk to her sometime this week. I don't know if its right. I haven't called or texted her since. I don't want other guysto be by her side right now, I know am being selfish. But that's how I feel. My mind says to just leave her but my heart keeps on saying "GO FIGHT FOR IT"... I really don't know what to do... I check her later this morning but no ones at their house... can't help to think of what she's doing right now.. it really hurts.. as if we didn't share some memories... as if I didn't become a part of her life... can't she feel anything?? will she miss me?? how can I get and win her back! I don't know if I can accept it... its too hard for me... can't help but cry... its getting harder and harder to breathe.shes all that is left for me.am begging you guys.how?

Hi Overdozed
I'm really sorry for your pain , believe me there are a lot of people all over the world feeling exactly as you are at the moment. I know that doesn't make it any easier :( And there are a lot of people on here including myself who have gone through the pain and survived it. Learn from all of our experiences and I know its something you don't want to hear unfortunately that's the way it is. Come on here and vent whenever you need to because there are some really good people on here who can help you get through it , AND YOU WILL! Anyway what you must do at the moment is leave her alone , that is the only way if any that you can get her back. And I'm not saying she will come back but if you keep pursuing her now she never will sorry. At the moment every time you try to contact her she will pull away that little bit more. The more you push the more she will pull away. So for now you will need to leave her alone , NC (no contact) and that way you will start to heal for YOU! It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight , but you won't start to heal until you at least make an effort to help yourself. We will all be here to talk to you.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

this is my story...
its been a week since we broke up.weve been out dating, having fun and sex for 4 years. right now am good as dead, meaning no life.

You have a life it’s just not running on all cylinders at this particular moment. But the last thing you should be doing is short changing yourself. Now more then ever you must start thinking about good things in your life and challenge yourself to find them, even when your feeling depressed.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

we talked, she said that she doesnt feel any love for me anymore. it felt like my heart will explode. i asked her to give me a chance

This was a big mistake. You’ve given her 4 years. You have nothing….absolutely nothing to prove to her.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

and she said yes ill give you a chance if you give me time to think. i agreed.

Why does she need time to think? Luckily I know the answer. She wants to keep you around in case something goes wrong in her new life. You have already expressed to her that you’ll be available. By doing that you have told her that you will become her back up plan.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i can't sleep that time, i was asking myself why and what went wrong. then she texted me and said she'll meet me after her class. she said ok ill give you a chance untillthe last day of this semester. that'll be on october 18. i said that was short! the she said "if you dont want it then this is goodbye!"...i have no other options but to agree...

I disagree with you. You had many options available to you. Now I realize you were thinking emotionally and not thinking this through but I think you should have said one of two things.

1. “I’ve given you four years and that’s more then enough time to prove myself. If you aren’t happy with my loyalty, companionship, compassion, understanding, and love after that time then I deserve a break from you.” That would have turned the tables right back on her and it would have been the truth.

2. The other option would be to say something like “I don’t think a couple of weeks is enough time to show you that I’ve changed and I think by offering me such a small time frame after all that I’ve given you is insulting so I will have to decline the offer.” Again, you would have turned the tables and she would not be expecting it. You would have stood up to her in a polite way, yet been aggressive about your stance and it would show her that you are stronger then she gives you credit for.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

after that day i was about to show her how i really feel, i want to comfort her to and give the necklace she wanted. but she refuse to open up.i want to hold her hands but she doesnt want to. i tried to embrace her but she pushed me away.then i tell her. you gave me a chance and now that am trying to comfort you...blah blah blah...she said i gave you a chance to let you know that you dont deserve a chance! thats wierd.

It’s not so much weird as it was her way of letting herself down. While extremely cruel to a man who devoted himself to her, to her it’s a way to build a wall. It’s incredibly rude, childish, and insulting. I have very little respect for her behavior given what you were attempting to do and given that you’ve offered almost half a decade to her. I hope you can see that disrespect as well and maybe use some of it as leverage to finally see what a bottom feeder she really is.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

that really broke my heart. she gave me a chance of no chance?!. then the next day i sit down beside her and talked. i asked her what really is the reason. she said that i was too tight that she can't breathe no more. she said "i want to do things that i want, i want to be free. she misinterpreted me.

Wrong. You misinterpreted her. No matter how bad something is for someone the more you tell them they can’t, the more they are going to try it. Who are you to ban her from anything?

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i banned her from drinking and smoking coz her mom sont want it for her.

I’m not sure where you are from but I’m in the United States where the drinking laws state that you can not drink until you are 21. Do you know what many teenagers do? Drink alcohol. And why, because they are being told not to. I’m sorry but you come off as momma’s boy when you tell your girlfriend that she can’t drink because her mama said so. I’m not a big drinker but I guarantee that if my girlfriend was nagging me not to drink, I’d start doing it.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i told her to limit being friends with her other school mates coz they were a part of a bad frat at their school.i did those to protect her. is that wrong? tell me guys!

Yes that is wrong. I’ll go so far as to say that you did it to protect yourself, not her. You didn’t trust her enough to make her own friends and make her own mistakes.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose her. she all that i have.

She is not all that you have. Start focusing on other things that you do have. Hell you have access to the internet and there are some people on this planet that have no idea what a computer is. If you if start focusing on what you do have you’re outlook on life will start to improve.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

please guys i need your help. i can't picture myself moving on.

In other words, you refuse to picture yourself moving on. You certainly can do it.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i dunno what to do. am depressed. i even cut my wrist a few days ago. luckily my uncle saw me before i run out of blood. am desperate.

Trust me if you don’t take anything else away from this, trust me on this. There is no woman……not one, not a single woman on the face of this planet to be killing yourself for. That certainly includes some skank who is callus enough to tell you to prove yourself after 4 years.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i dunno what went wrong. am i that tight?! i tried to explain all those thing to her. that i only did it coz i care. is that wrong?

I don’t doubt that you did those things because you care. I almost get the feeling you care too much. By that I mean you got so wrapped up in “us” that you forgot “me.” You put the couple ahead of yourself and you should never do that. You always come first.
You also can’t protect people to the point of being their guardian. You have to let people make mistakes on there own. In fact you can’t grow as a person if you don’t make your own mistakes.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

! i entered college just for her! ill be graduating next semester. am doing my thesis, but i dont know if i still can go on. i can't think right! her mom trust me a lot. been crying till now! i can't sleep well.

Start exercising. If you can wear yourself out so that you will start sleeping longer.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i can't stop thinking of her. i even thought that she might be under the influence of her friends. most of her friends were guys, they have their gfs but theyre cheating them. so how can i trust those friends of her. what if those guys abused her while under the unfluence of alchohol?

What if they did? I don’t believe it for a second but let’s just say they did. What are you going to do about it? Call the police and report a crime you have no proof of on a victim that has no idea what your talking about against people who may or may not even know you? Hopefully that sounds as stupid as what your attempting to get across here.
Nobody abused her, she dumped you and now your grasping at straws to rationalize it.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

!cant help to think negative things! am not seeing her till now coz she dont want to.

Then that’s her choice. Let her live with it.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

each time i try to pick her up at their school, she always pushed me back and shout at me. saying she doesnt love me and that i dont have a chance to win her back...

Dude, I know your in serious emotional stress so please understand I’m not knocking you, but that comes off like a stalker. I’m not going to BS you and say I haven’t chased the person that dumped me in the past but for YOUR mental and emotional well being you have stop seeing her, talking to her, and contacting her. She’s over it, so now you have to work on yourself and get back to a better position where you can see this situation with some logic and not clouded in emotion.

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

i dont know what to do... please i need help... i want her back...please!!! should i keep on fithing or just hold off for awhile...i need help ASAP...

Actually you need to stop and take a deep breathe. What you feeling is loss but you are not accepting it which is driving you to act out in a desperate way. Now you can get plenty of help and this board is filled with similar situations like yours and people that can offer you some great advice but you have to be ready to TAKE THE ADVICE! The advice at this time, for YOUR mental and emotional health is to quit contacting her at any time. You must for your own sanity start to rebuild your life. You must become stronger then you were and are now.

Thanks guys! You really knew a lot... I know am still young... am just 21... but experienced a lot of tragic things. My problem now is. Each time I try to focus, I cant. Everything reminds me of him.should I go and talk to her for one last time or just let it be. The last time I text her and asked if she wants to talk about it and clear things up. She she said "! i dont love you anymore!".. why is she like that? I don't want her friends to lead her stray. Because from what I know and see, those male friends of her were bad influences. I really care a lot for her. Guys!. I dreamed of being a 3d model/animator someday... ill be graduating this march.. guys! If ever I caught my dreams come true, will she ever come back to me... can't stop to cry.its not a man thing to do but I can't help it... shes all that I've got... hope she feels something too.hope she'll miss me... but I can't seem to see any hard or negative emotions from him... geee! Why do it have to end this way...

Am sorry...
Will you guys permit me to talk to her for 1 last time?

Its hard to just ignore the person I love...
Now ill be going home alone, eat alone, do things alone...
Can I just talk to her 1 last time and tell her...

"OK i guess i deserve this break up after all that ive done."
"If there will be a chance to meet you again in the near future."
"Will you still give me a chance to prove to you my love?"
"Ill do things on my own as you do things on your own."
"I want you to know that ill always love you."
"Cherish those moments we have."
"Ill be back."
"Ill graduate and work hard for you."
"I want you to open your heart for me when that day comes."

But what if that day comes and she have a new partner?
Can't accept it... am totally deeply madlly in love with this girl...
Gee!

So its me who made the wrong move from the very start?.
Its my fault??

Need more comments...
Please!

Thanks guys...
Can't help but cry...

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Originally Posted by OverDozed

thanks guys! you really knew a lot...i know am still young...am just 21...but experienced a lot of tragic things. my problem now is. each time i try to focus, i cant. everything reminds me of him.should i go and talk to her for one last time or just let it be. the last time i text her and asked if she wants to talk about it and clear things up. she she said "! i dont love you anymore!"..why is she like that?! i dont want her friends to lead her stray. coz from what i know and see, those male friends of her were bad influences. i really care a lot for her. guys!.... i dreamed of being a 3d model/animator someday...ill be graduating this march..guys! if ever i caught my dreams come true, will she ever come back to me...cant stop to cry.its not a man thing to do but i can't help it...shes all that ive got...hope she feels something too.hope she'll miss me...but i can't seem to see any hard or negative emotions from him...geee! why do it have to end this way.....

am sorry...
will you guys permit me to talk to her for 1 last time??

its hard to just ignore the person i love...
now ill be going home alone, eat alone, do things alone....
can i just talk to her 1 last time and tell her.....

"OK i guess i deserve this break up after all that ive done."
"If there will be a chance to meet you again in the near future."
"Will you still give me a chance to prove to you my love?"
"Ill do things on my own as you do things on your own."
"I want you to know that ill always love you."
"Cherish those moments we have."
"Ill be back."
"Ill graduate and work hard for you."
"I want you to open your heart for me when that day comes."

but what if that day comes and she have a new partner?!
cant accept it....am totally deeply madlly in love with this girl.....
gee!

so its me who made the wrong move from the very start?..
its my fault??!

need more comments.....
please!!

thanks guys...
cant help but cry.....

Dude, I'm sorry I just don't have time to go through and break this down but you have got to QUIT talking to her. None of that emotional stuff is going to help. Furthermore, while you may not have been perfect neither was she so quit painting this picture that you screwed up entirely while this supposed precious angel did nothing wrong. You offered her more then both she and yourself give you credit for. Were you perfect. No. Am I perfect. No. But I'll tell you something both of us have in common with each other that she doesn't have. That's class. I know you wouldn't just toss someone to the curb after 4 years and then be so cruel as to say "Ah I'm feeling charitable you got a couple weeks to win me back." F her. You're here and your reaching out and others and myself will try and guide you through this but you have... YOU MUST take the advice from those that have been in your shoes. You're the not the first guy to ever get dumped, believe it or not I have even been dumped. I can't believe it either. Who in there right mind would let me go. Then again that supposes that I date girls in their right mind. But seriously, the point is that your not the first person to experience this kind of loss and your not the first person to do desperate things in an attempt to get her back. But this is not about her anymore. This is about you. This about YOUR life and you making decisions that benefit you. Decision number one is to quit talking to her in any capacity. None.

Ditto... what Chuff said!!

Could not spread the love and give Chuff the greenies he deserves but he is correct! Absolutely!

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she said OK ill give you a chance untillthe last day of this semester.

This is a dealbreaker and when you hear this from the female you love... ITS OVER and time to move on!!

Agreed
What Chuff said!

Well Overdozed, not only do you see the compliments but you'll notice they are all in agreement. The reason I point this out is because you are tempted to do the exact opposite of everything I said. Your road to recovery begins by either facing the reality of what those of us with no emotional attachment with experience in your situation or by acting out in a desperate way which will only make you feel worse. I won't lie to you, where you are at sucks, but I also let you know that if you just give yourself some time and learn to trust the decision your making you will see that everybody was right and eventually you will be happy that you took the that road to a better life where you can live for yourself without being told how to act with in a time frame.

It sounds like she wants some space from the relationship. The best thing to do is leave her alone and if she Loves you she will come back. Stay away from her and where she goes if possible. I know it hurts and you are feeling terrible right now. You can't make anyone love you. The hurt will go away with time. You need to be around people who can support you and help you get through this. You may need to see your doctor and let him or her know what's going on and how you are feeling. Give it some time guy... you will get through it.

Thanks guys... after my last yesterday... I decided to go to a bar... I saw some of my batchmate... old friends... they asked me to stay with them, drink... theyasked me why am I sobering. I told them my story.after 2 hours. I met a girl at that same spot. The girl new me but she totally stranger to me. My old friends told the girl my story. Gee! I wasn't drunk yet, but I just found her hands holding mine. I can't seem to realize it. I don't know when did her hand touches mine.

I went out that night to think. To decide for my own self. Trying to slowly understand what you posted and commented on my life story. I went their to have some time for myself to know myself better.

The girl and I talked for about two and a half hour. It seems that she knew me very well. I didn't let my guard down. She talked to me tenderly. Making me realize things. And it turns out that she was a 1st year student at my school, we are at the same department. I really didn't know.

Each time she rubbs my hand I feel comfortable. Then she started leaning her head on my shoulder. Then she suddenly asked me."am i attractive?" I said "i dont know." then she let go of my hand. I continued drinking, then a few minutes later she asked me again "am i atractive?" I replied "YES??"... then she added, "am i appealing?" I said. "may be.yes?" she smiled.after that she again grabbedmy hand. Playing it. Every time I let go of her hand she always try to hold it again, play it again. All I did was to listen to what she's saying.

After that I went to the bathroom. Am not vomiting of anything, I tried to think. I asked myself questions. Then I realize that I was smiling again. It was that time that I felt comfort, happiness. I even said to myself, "why did i not do these things back then?". "why did i dedicate too much time for my ex?" I can't find the answer... all I know is that am am happy. Not just that time because, after those weeks of no sleep. I slept more than 6 hours. I also woke up smiling. I don't know why? Is this just an after effect?I walked her home that night and thanked her.

Gee!
I also have lots of sketches of my ex... am planning to give those to her... what do you think? Should I give it to her... to keep it as a remembrance? I still haven't contacted or texted my ex.. am following exactly as what you guys told me... even if it really hurts...
Thanks guys!

I really appreciated those advices... all of you guys who commented and gave the advice...
Gee!but I stll feel the pain... right now am asking myself... "do i really deserve her?"... what do you think?

I think in time you will be sick and tired, of being sick and tired, and you will get a life that makes you happy, and move on like the rest of us have done. Matter of time.

Sorry for your pain. So many people here have been through breakup trauma. There is great advice being offered to you on the previous posts, try and use it to your benefit. Sooo much cheaper than a therapist, and available at all hours! You need to take care of yourself, and stop measuring your value as one half of a couple. It is hard enough to stay the course of a life plan on your own, much less try to make someone else do the same. She is going to mess up if that is what she wants to do. Cetainly at age 20 she knows right from wrong. She is not an innocent baby thtat needs to be led by the hand. Consider yourself lucky to have this end before you were further invested in this person She has made a choice . You can choose to graduate, make a good living for yourself.Good luck in the future when you meet the girl who wants the same things you do.

This is simple really. You aren't a couple unless you BOTH want to be, this isn't the case.

I don't care if you want to lose her or not, you already did, she made that choice. Its not yours to make or not.

Move on... and keep in mind if she says get lost and you don't you are officially a stalker, and there are laws against stalking.

Sometimes its harsh to say, but grow a set of balls, consider this chapter of your life closed and move on to the next one.

Yeah its going to hurt... thats life, it builds character. What separates winners from losers is how they handle adversity. A winner takes losses in stride, learns from those mistakes and moves on to the next opportunity. A loser cries in his or her Wheaties.

You have me worried with the whole attempted suicide. I think that you really depended on her for your happiness and made her your whole world.

You really need to seek some counseling. No one... and I mean... NO ONE... is worth killing yourself over.

You have a precious life that someday you can share with someone. But you can't count on someone to make your life happy for you. Its your duty to make your life mean something. To have purpose. To be happy.

What you need to do more than ever is focus on you.