Ask Me Help Desk - I' a man in love with a married guy

I met a guy about 8 months ago at a hotel I own (he was living there) - we hit it off and went back to my place and had amazing sex, and did it one more time after that until his wife found out - she was furious, but apparenlty suspected this about her husband for quite some time and we bacame friends, to the point where she does not mind him and I being together... we have had full on sex many times since, including some kissing and everything else...

The problem is, I have now fallen in love with him. I have been completely open about it, have told both of them, and he does not seem to want me to go, although he does say that he "likes" me a lot and he likes our friendship and does not want me to leave or go away, etc. wven though this is what I feel like doing at times. His wife is a bit overweight and self-conscious and they do not have sex much anymore. She asked to join both of us on a couple of occasions and that was fine with me (both of us had sex with her as well as with each other). When I tell him I love him and that I should "end" things, he tells me, "Don't go, we'll chat later" or something similar. He is a very closed person, very tough to talk to about emoitions, although his wife says he has become closer to me than anyone else. She seems to be the arbitrator in this situation.

I do not know what to think about this guy, I suspect he loves me too, but I imagine it would be difficult to just leave his wife and stepdaughter for another rman, so I undfderstand that this may take time, but I don't want to wait arounfd ewither. The sex is utterly amazing and most of the time we don't even get a chance to get undressed before we are arounsed. I love being with him and my heart starts pounding when I hear his voice. We hug a lot and I kiss his neck a lot and we seem to talk better in bed than anywhere else. Both of us seem to be very comfortable with each other sexually, his wife has even told me that he feels very comfortable with me.

I guess my quiestion is, what is the story with this guy? Is he gay, bi, striaght, what? Should I wait for him, or meet other people? I have noticed lately that he seems to not tell his wife when he sees me or talks to me, I am not sure what this means, and she tells me sometimes that her husband says he thinks I am going to kidnap him and take him off to Canada (where I am originally from) and marry him. He doesn't say that like it would be a bad thing. The strange thing is too, his wife seems to WANT us to be together, she is always arranging it for me to come over and spend the night, and often she will sleep in a spare room while giving him and I the bed. We have spent the night together several times. We also have a really awesome time when we do other stuff together like me going to his shop (he is a mechanic) or the junkyard looking for car parts, watching movies, etc. and he has just as much fun with me as I do with him. He is 33 yrs old and I am 43 and quite often he seems to be like a big kid, he seems to have not quite grown up yet.

Anyway, I am getting frustrated, I would like to have this guy tell me to get lost, buit he won't. I have given him this option many times, but he waon't take it. I have told him I should move away, he says "Don't go."

What the hell should I do here? I love the guy, but I don't know what I should do. Can anyone help? I should mention that I am good looking, I usually do not have any trouble meeting people so I do not think I would have too much trouble finding someone else, but I really and truly love this guy and would spend the rest of my life with him if he would want that too... but I am hurtiung here, and it is tough... any advise or insights anyone could give me would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

He has everything he wants, so why would he want any changes? Why don't you just come out and say that you wish he would loose the wife, and you don't have to share? That's your problem. Everyone has what they want, but you want more, so you need to decide what, or how much you want, and how best to get it, because he ain't going nowhere.

Is he gay, bi, striaght, what

I am confused by the above statement . Are you a man or woman? Never the less Tal is right. You are their spice what else do they need. I would suggest that you are not the first and if you are you won't be the last. They seem to be enjoying you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by donster

I guess my quiestion is, what is the story with this guy? Is he gay, bi, striaght, what?

What you've got here is a love triangle, and that's an inherently unstable configuration, no matter how any of you classify or position yourselves or each other on the "sexual orientation spectrum". It's irrelevant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by donster

Anyway, I am getting frustrated, I would like to have this guy tell me to get lost, buit he won't. I have given him this option many times, but he waon't take it. I have told him I should move away, he says "Don't go."

Both of them seem satisfied with the existing arrangement, but you're not, so the responsibility to change rests with you, not with either of them. You're trying to con him into "breaking up" for you, so that you won't have to take responsibility for acting to alleviate your own dissatisfaction. Come on. Be a man about it.

He could well be bi. His wife might not see you as a threat at all to the marriage, since she has invited you to the bed and you have had sex with her. So are you bi?

What is the problem? You found out early that he was married and that did not stop you then. So why should that stop you now? Oh yeah, that is because you feel differently now, you think you love him. He may love you, in a way also but also loves his wife. I cannot see him leaving his wife. He has too much to lose in that - financially and emotionally.

Why does it have to be one way or the other here? I know poly couples and they are all quite happy in their relationship. If his wife can share him with you, why can't you share him with her? If you cannot think like that, then move on. Really move on and away from this man and his life. On your own, don't let him "talk" you into staying. That is copping out.

If you are unhappy in the situation, leave. Nothing is stopping you. You don't have kids or finances involved (as far as I can tell) so you need to think about it like this: are you better off finding a different partner or in this relationship? Only you can answer this and either way you go is fine; however, you actually need to think about it, not just say "I love him so I'll do what he wants" because you have needs too!

Just out of curiousity, did you know he was married when the affair started or did this come to light after you'd already had sex?

I think I have an open mind in most things, but this is too strange for me to comprehend or even make a comment that could possibly be of any help.

Just so everyone knows, the OP is a man... "I' a man in love with a married guy" get it? The poster is a man, in love with a married man. Hence the going to Canada to get married.

Yes, I suppose the situation would be similar (not the same!) if the poster were a woman; however, this was not a woman asking a question, it was a gay/bisexual man. You can't answer a post from a man and use feminine pronouns to reference him. It makes you look like you either don't understand the question or that you are so uncomfortable with homosexuality that you can't bring yourself to talk about it directly. Either way, it means that your answer is invalid.

Quote:

Originally Posted by americangayboy

Yes, I suppose the situation would be similar (not the same!) if the poster were a woman; however, this was not a woman asking a question, it was a gay/bisexual man. You can't answer a post from a man and use feminine pronouns to reference him. It makes you look like you either don't understand the question or that you are so uncomfortable with homosexuality that you can't bring yourself to talk about it directly. Either way, it means that your answer is invalid.

No. I am very comfortable with homosexuality. I'm a liberal that believes gays should have marital rights, rights to adopt, and every right that someone who is heterosexual should. Wait, how do you know that I'm not bisexual? See my point?
Your words show that you are not comfortable with homosexuality yourself. For example, your statement about accusing me of possibly being uncomfortable with homosexuality, without me ever suggesting that I am uncomfortable with it, proves something: that you are insecure about being gay, and will go off on the defense where it is irrational.

This was my point, and what I sensed, from the beginning, and this was what I realized when you quickly got angry and gave a "red" disagreement to a point I made that did not even specify whether there was a male or female posting. I was just waiting for you to prove it a little bit more. And now you have with this comment.

Please be more fair in the future, and have an open mind. This is not about hating gay people or being uncomfortable with gay people. People make mistakes on posts all the time, and I did earlier. People have made mistakes on my posts as well! But either way, whether it is a gay person or a heterosexual, I still stand that it is not healthy to be with someone who has a wife (in a case where you want the man all to yourself)! You were suppose to evaluate this.

Now, please stop twisting this into being about "gay hate" or "gay discomfort" because as everyone can see, the only person who showed a hint of being uncomfortable, was you. And I understand why- we live in a society that sees homosexuals as second class citizens. But I'm not one of the people who does. Please do not think that this is about me having negative feelings towards gays. The fact that you have said what you have said, shows that you have negative feelings yourself.

Psychoanalytic theory is going the way of the dinosaurs, so save the analysis.

I didn't say you were uncomfortable with homosexuality, I said it could be interpreted as such. I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, gay or straight, but the fact remains that not understanding the question makes your opinion invalid. Too harsh? Sue me! My tone was neither harsh nor defensive before, and it is only harsh now. Also, you're tone in the reputation you gave me was quite defensive.

I'm glad that you support gay rights, but it has nothing to do with this conversation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by americangayboy

Psychoanalytic theory is going the way of the dinosaurs, so save the analysis.

I didn't say you were uncomfortable with homosexuality, I said it could be interpreted as such. I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, gay or straight, but the fact remains that not understanding the question makes your opinion invalid. Too harsh? Sue me! My tone was neither harsh nor defensive before, and it is only harsh now. Also, you're tone in the reputation you gave me was quite defensive.

I'm glad that you support gay rights, but it has nothing to do with this conversation.

See you're going about this all wrong again. Now you're using more illogic because there was never any logic to what you said in the first place. You gave a disgree and were upset, saying "this is a man posting" yet my post never mentioned whether I was giving advice to a girl or a guy. And the advice was applicable to whether there is a female or male posting (that it is unhealthy to be involved with a married man if you want the man all to yourself). You had to evaluate whether I was giving good advice or not, and not anything else on your agenda.

At first, as I admitted, back when I was commenting on the great advice others were giving, I did think it was a girl posting. Then, when I decided to give advice myself, I realized it was a man posting. At this point you were so hurt that you did not evaluate my advice, but you just put a "red disagree" to say "this is a man posting! Read the question! It's a man!"

Now, as I have pasted above, you admit to have started by saying to me that "well you could seem like you are uncomfortable with homosexuality". That was the first illogical point you made to me. So, I showed you the error of your ways by responding to say NO AMERICANGAYBOY, YOU yourself are a little uncomfortable for assuming this. And you yourself are in error, because how did you know whether I was homosexual or not?

You became angry with me pointing this out, and so you decide to respond and say "pyschoanalytic theory is going the way of the dinasours..."

Wow. You seem to have shown your irrationality yet once again. Do you not realize that you were the one who started making this about being uncomfortable with homosexuality? Lol. See?

So why do you mock others if they do the same? This is very wrong and very childish of you. You are again being very defensive, and like I said, I am not uncomfortable with homosexuality. Please have more of an open mind.

And yes of course I support gay rights. Why do you say this has nothing to do with this conversation, when you initiated this idea here. I am telling you that I have no discomfort with homosexuality (in contrast with you saying "it seems like you could be uncomfortable with homosexuality). So please understand that it has a lot to do with this conversation since you are here trying to make it look like there are people who do not see "homosexuality" with a fair eye.

I'm sorry, as I have pointed out, you are the only one so far who has been unfair. Like I said before though, I understand why you made assumptions and were angered. People do treat homosexuals unfairly or are uncomfortable with it. I'm not one of those people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by americangayboy

I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, gay or straight, but the fact remains that not understanding the question makes your opinion invalid. Too harsh? Sue me! My tone was neither harsh nor defensive before, and it is only harsh now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

See you're going about this all wrong again. Now you're using more illogic because there was never any logic to what you said in the first place.

You two have hijacked this thread with your private pissing contest. Nothing either of you are saying at this point has anything to do with the OP's question. If you want to slug this out, please do it in PM's and spare the rest of us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

You two have hijacked this thread with your private pissing contest. Nothing either of you are saying at this point has anything to do with the OP's question. If you want to slug this out, please do it in PM's and spare the rest of us.

You speak the truth Ordinary guy.

Sorry for hijacking your post. But AmericanGayBoy made a horrible suggestion about me being uncomfortable with homosexuals, and I felt the absolute need to show him the opposite on a public post which he chose to say this.

OP: I'm sorry. Let's get back to business. You're not going to find any happiness in a man who is telling you that he "likes" you, when you are clearly looking for love. And you won't get this from a married man.

He may even love you, but he will not love you the way you need to be loved.

I think it is ridiculous that Sad Soul is getting so bent out of shape about 1 disagree. Is it really me who is being irrational? Once again, I didn't say you were homophobic, I said that your comments could be construed that way. Now they've been deleted, so it doesn't matter anyway. Get a life.

This is not about sexual orientation, its about a lifestyle. Do you want to be a part of this or not, that's the whole issue. Make up your mind.