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I really need some advice on what to do I am 30 and been with my husband for 9 years now we have 2 kids he has cheated on me 5 years ago well now he loves going to the bar and drinking a lot well there are times he doesn't come home until 4 in the morning we last night he said he had to go to work but lied was out until 4 in the morning. I just can't deal with it anymore I don't know what to do. I never been so heart broken until now. Can somebody please tell me what they would do
Hi,
I am sorry to hear this. Your husband is looking for something else; either time away from you, or it's possible he could have a drinking problem. Does he drink at home?
First, since you have already talked with him about it, the next step is to see if he will go with you to marriage counseling and talk with someone; the two of you together.
If he refuses, and things get worse, get a lawyer, talk with him/her.
I am not saying "divorce", but talk with a lawyer, and as a last resort, have separation papers drawn up. When he sees these papers, maybe in rough draft form, he might realize that he is liable for paying child support, and many other things. That could be the only way you can "get through" to him.
I do wish you the best of luck,
fredg
No he doesn't drink at home he tells me he just likes to hang out with his friends for awhile. He plays on a pool league on tuesdays and Wednesday and I tell him he's already spent time with his friends and he says when he plays pool he doesn't get to just sit at the bar and bull crap but I don't see it that way and then on Saturday night I don't see him cause he Dj's for a second job. I just wish he would get out of the bar, I really hate him there but he tells me well that's where you met me and Im not going to change but I feel he should since we have kids but he says life should never change or come to an end just because there are kids.
Have you confronted him as to why he prefers the company of a bar stool to you? Also, did you confront him 5 years ago as to why he cheated? You and he need to confront the issues that are causing him to do these things. Professional counseling may be needed and you'll have to be prepared to do what's necessary on your end of things to help him work through his problems so that your marriage will survive. Good luck!
Yes I have confronted him and he says he just likes to spend some time with his friends that he see's me all the time. And we did talk we he cheated on me he said that I wasn't giving him the affection he needed so that's why he did it. And I do want to go to counseling but I don't think I can get him to go but I'm going to work on it to get him to go cause I know we need to or our marriage is going to end.
You state that you want him to... change... stop drinking so much, stop spending quite so much time with the guys... Now, I ask you to stop for a minute and consider a few things... if you are serious about this... It may hurt a little but it shall bring healing to your heart.
When you met your husband... you were attracted to him... Why? This is important for you to answer, in earnest because it will cause you to evaluate your current plight more accurately... remember the way he________(you fill in the blank) and how he_________(again fill in the blank)... and when you stop to consider these things you will discover that nothing much has changed in his mannerism and behavior... he is still the same man you married.
So in earnest, we know it is not the man, but the circumstances that now frustrates you... you are no longer a vibrant carefree single woman, you are now a mother which equates to self-sacrifices, responsibility and accountability beyond self. Your adaptation to the circumstance presented has been more immediate than that of your husband. He has chosen to remain semi-immature in some aspects; he works to support his family; however, you must extend him grace... Consider this, he may not understand how to be a husband and a father... he seems to be overwhelmed. I know this is overwhelming for you as well but I am here to help you. Men do what they know, especially what they know best... this is the nature of the beast.
Your husband's work environment equates to carefree living and a partying-type lifestyle... you knew this coming in the door; however, now you want it to change because of the children and I am here to advise you... that is not a solid reason for his change... that is a temporary solution, like applying a band-aid on hematoma... wrong remedy for the condition.
Your husband will change, assuming your level of tolerance, patience and grace... above all, your commitment to your marriage. You will need a no matter what type mentality... and a loving mouth and heart to reach this resolve.
Here is where most women blindside themselves... the knack for pointing finger relaying what he is doing/not doing without once owning what you are doing/not doing... cause and effect.
In your case, your role has shifted... you have become a loving, caring and responsible mother, while neglecting the fact that you are still his wife. Children can be tiring, yet you must seek balance. Your husband still requires your time, affection and attention. The things you did before, modified now due to the children but not forsaken. You must wear two faces... one reserved only for your husband... remember, the two of you are partners in this, he needs you, just as much as you need him... one of you has to realize the importance of setting an expected atmosphere, and in this case that person is you... if I may suggest... think of yourself as a thermostat instead of a thermometer... set the atmosphere which equates to you on purpose building up your husband, stroke his ego, what do you have to loose. You love him and desire him, don't allow some half-baked hot in the pants woman to experience your husband, in a fashion reserved just for you.
Stop blending your roles... you are first Woman... set aside me time, secondly... you are Wife... build up your husband, make him feel special, stroke his ego, compliment him on something, give yourself to him... you belong to him and he belongs to you... and thirdly... you are Mother. Seek balance. It is not impossible to juggle it all and find peace and happiness.
But first... answer this... contined in next posting
First, you must know and accept and embrace your own view of what a husband and father is... you must know where the base for these images stem from... more importantly... you must remain flexible... willing to adapt to the reality of the man before you...
He is unique... some things may remind you of a past experience; however, your expectation now will serve as your portion... your earnest expectation... know that whatever you expect, you will rec'v... your words will be put into action... have you noticed that... your expectation level determines the quality of life you shall experience... this is independent of the influences of the past because you are more than capable of deciding new things, you are in control of your behavior... you decide... you choose.. to react or take action...
You can show your husband love and forgiveness... you can forgive yourself for neglecting him, even though it was not intentional, and this is not to excuse his behavior, he made the decision to be unfaithful. You are not responsible for the decision he made, he is and he must be accountable to that choice.
What I am desiring for you to understand, is the fact that no matter what... you can decide to be loving and caring... this is not to say that you are a doormat... by all means, if this is your perception than you are not willing to set the atmosphere to save your marriage. Marriage is a journey comprised of many seasons of sunshine and rain. If you are willing to understand that the depth of rain indicates the intensity of sunshine to be had. In other words, whenever, you experience negative energy... maximize its effect by allowing your expectation to meet, if not exceed such force. Redirect its energy by the same intensity... instead of yelling screaming crying... laugh... make love... pull together as one... defeat that which has come to defeat you. It is a team effort... however sometimes one must blaze the trail in order for the other to hop on board, if you are destined to travel the same course... never let emotions cloud your judgment, hence your decision. Always be in a sober state, (clear minded, goal-oriented, purpose-driven). It's OK to have emotional outbursts, just do not allow the emotion to have you... You know what you want... a happy, healthy marriage. You must be willing to work to that end and endure... anything worth having requires effort... it can be simplified, if you do not loose focus of the end that you are after... if the end (the salvation of your marriage) is highly valued in your heart's mind... nothing can dissuade you from reaching and obtaining that end.
If people, their words and opinions concerning what portion of endurance you must face to reach your end, sways you... you are not a stable person. Understand that people are entitled to their opinions, but remember they are not the ones cuddling with you in the night. Let nothing come between you and your husband... The two of you = one... as it is written the twain shall become one... you are him and he is you... It is you and him against the world... let nothing pit you against your husband... he equals a significant portion of your contentment. Think of it this way... you married him, the man and not the circumstances that you both will encounter... circumstances encountered equates to building block providing a source of energy to be used to either strengthen your present foundation or weaken foundational structure... it is a choice; therefore choose wisely. Once you sort out expectation of what you desire in him and learn in fact what you have in him, you shall find a sense of security to release yourself to him without reservations or limitations. If you limit the quality, and depth of yourself, do not remain naïve to expect more than you are willing to give. Think of it this way... he fears what you fear... I do not want you to ever think that he is getting off the hook or anything, he is not. But let's face it... men are simple and they need help, not forceful but loving guidance... positive reinforcements to safeguard the delicate nature within the hardcoated shell. Picture it this way... an oyster has a hard-coated shell to protect the gooey insides... in order for a man to substitute you as his exterior wall, in order for a man to permit you, entrust you with his delicate insides, he must know that you are solid, and in his corner... he must know that you will protect his privacy, you will not betray his innermost being... this need to be established, and only then will he open up and allow you access to what he has kept guarded from you... once he invites you in, remember the hard-coated shell protects from within.
Naturally and socially, men are excused... however, personally they must meet expectation... they perform well in environments and atmospheres that encourage growth. It becomes hard work when the focus is "I am doing all of this for him and .....what has he done for me lately"; however, when you understand that you must till the ground, nourish the soil, plant the seeds, cultivate and water the ground, wait for harvest season... now you are ready to reap what you have sown. If you are willing to invest yourself into your husband without restrictions... you shall reap an abundant harvest. Just remember to keep things in perspective... identify in earnest, if what he is doing/not doing... saying/not saying provokes your response or reminds you of something/someone... know why it bothers you... identify the energy and redirect it... For example, when my husband and I first married, he visited strip clubs frequently... three/four times a week... a habit he had before we married. I did not approve of it... why, I had to confront the images in my mind and what this suggested to me... (I knew he was attracted to me, he loved me so why did he need to go there when I was home willing and waiting)... it began to bother me when I started thinking for him, (when I started entertaining reasons for his behavior without first taking to him) I was not being fair to him because what I thought was not what he felt. I confronted myself first, I had to release myself from pride and ask my husband what attacted him so there... he advised his desire to appreciate the female form, he desired a geniune comfortability in my acceptance of my own body... he wanted to appreciate my essence without guilt. For instance, when he would grab at my feet to massage and rub them and I would shoo him away often, he adopted new approaches and I would always deny him, no big deal, I am tickless at the feet; however, he read into it that I would not allow him to express connectivity with my essence due to my own uncomfortabililty... once I awaken to the exact value he had placed on this, I had to open myself up to a new experience and expose my essence more frequently to my husband, inviting him to rub my feet, not freaking out when he would come into the bathroom while I showered or bathed... something as simple as that altered the course of our marriage... something so small and seemingly insignificant, yet in his eyes it was worth more than his weight in gold.
The more intuned you become to you, the better your chance of setting the atmosphere, of becoming a thermostat and not a thermometer. It helps when we desire to give love to our partners, when that is our focus... when we are secure within ourselves, we are able to give unconditionally without wavering. Heal of thyself, creates more than can meet the eye.
Hi,
Shenda wrote a book! Don't have time to read it all.
Anyway, I am glad you are trying to talk him into going with you to a marriage counselor. The reason he doesn't want to go is pretty obvious; he doesn't want to give up his "lifestyle"...
He simply can't face the fact that he is married now, with children. He has a wife and children at home, and they need him and his attention.
You will not have any happiness at all until he decides to change, or until you "strike out on your own".
Many marriages break up because one, or both partners, don't want to share themselves with the other, and develop a "give and take" relationship. The primary reason for divorce is still "money", with incompatibility second.
For a marriage to be successful, means both have to be able to talk about serious things, and reach a mutual understanding, with changes. Your husband wants everything his own way, and that will not work for you.
I still wish you the very best,
fredg
For whatever reason he has been drinking, work related, stress at home, etc, if he does not stop, give him a bottle and tell him to get lost. If he does not see the errors of his ways and get professional help, then leave him. There is no other alternative. If he comes to his senses, you could join in the therapy and maybe both of you might have another chance but only if you both work at it. But if he does not admit his problems and assumes his responsibilities you're better off without him. I wish you all the best and hope you get support from your family or a shelter. This is the only way you can save your marriage and maybe even his life. Check with a local AA group and ask them what they suggest, believe me, it will be the same. Good Luck.Quote:
Originally Posted by alicia1330
This male that you married is not interested in being a devoted husband or father. He is a liar and a drinker and unless you are sitting in the barstool next to him, you're not even sure that that is exactly where he truly is. When he cheated on you, did you catch him or did he admit it? Was he remorseful? Did his behavior change? Do you think his cheating was just an event or is it a pattern that he will likely continue? If so, and this is a tough one to ask, but are you being the kind of wife he should want to come home to?? Do you show him love and affection? Respect? Admiration? Is it mutual? If the answer is no, or not sure, then maybe you need to give that a second thought. If you feel you have put your best self forward on a consistent basis, you have loved and honored and respected him, shown him warmth and appreciation but he has not reciprocated then you need to face the truth. It's not that you don't know what to do, it's that you'd rather not do it. It may not be easy, most things aren't, but it's called sacrifice. If you picked the wrong man to marry and have kids with, it's time to right your wrong. If you have parents, call them and ask them if they can take you and your kids in for a while, pack your things and leave. Then, let your husband know that you will be back when and if he grows up and re-establishes himself as husband and father. If he does not act responsibly, show remorse and change in behavior, appreciation for the things he let slip away from him, then unfortunately it's time to legalize it. File for divorce, after all, at this point he is not meeting his obligations to his family. If spending all this time with his "friends" is more important than how it makes his wife and family feel, then let him deal with the consequences, and get on with your lives. Show your children that this is not acceptable behavior. That simply going to work and bringing home a paycheck does not make an adequate father or role model. Show them that their mother is redeeming her self-respect and dignity by doing the next best thing and making sure she and her kids are in a better environment and they will grow up to be responsible, loving parents also. Show your kids that you have a head on your shoulders and that head has an intelligent brain that you will use to protect yourself and your family and that you use this brain to make intelligent choices and not your heart. I think keeping a family together is very important. Marriage and family involves a commitment that often is not taken seriously, however, it takes two to keep it going. If he is not willing to seek counseling with you for the sake of his marriage and children, then it is beyond your control. Hopefully, he will receive a harsh slap in the face when you and the kids are gone and it will open up his eyes to what he had. If he does begin to come around, to show that he has changed his behavior, stay with your parents for at least 6 months to make sure that this change isn't just temporary enough to lure you and the kids back into a false sense of security. Right now, he is just having his cake and eating it too. Don't be a door mat. I don't know if you are a Dr. Laura fan or not, she may be hard to take sometimes but her biggest concern are the children and what is in their best interest. She has some very good books you can read, difficult to read because you may see yourself in them, but they should be read nonetheless. Hope this helps. Best Wishes.
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