Ask Me Help Desk - How do I spice up my 12 year marriage?

My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs, have raised 3 children ages 25, 21, and 9. We have had our share of problems. We almost divorced once after separating several times. I have cancer and recently lost my hair from chemotherapy. I have had a total mastectomy. I am 40 and not as cute as I used to be, and I weight 165 lbs but I'm certainly not hideous. I am a very smart, nice and good person and I know he loves me but I want more. I think marriages need more.

My problem is that I can't capture his attention. He used to be all over me, all the time but now he never looks at me and never touches me. I really don't think it is because of my sickness or altered body that he is like this, I think we are in a rut. I want to rekindle our marriage. I want to set his world on fire. Not just sexually but mentally and emotionally.

Can anyone give me some advice other than to wear sexy underwear? If you are a man reading this can you tell me what you would want your woman to do if you were in this situation? I would really appreciate the help.

Thanks
Kim

Hi Kim,

I feel for you,chemo is a harsh treatment and I wish you all the best on your recovery.

My first thought about trying to spice things up was:
What would I do(as the male)if my wife was going through this?I would leave you alone,physically,It is a feeling of ,when someone is sick,how do I feel if I was in their shoes?
Do I feel sexy/desirable?Probably not. Do I have the right to impose my will/needs on them in their time of suffering? Definitely not!

In short,how best do I communicate to my partner?
That is the question I see you asking,communicating that you would like more of him and that you still feel you want him is the ice breaker,not the clothes,or the subtle innuendo's.
Don't get stuck on the 'I am not the beauty I used to be' thoughts.Thats the negative that will hurt so much more than help.
YOU ARE GOING TO BE A Survivor<LIVE LIKE IT!

You sound like a really good person looking for the same thing women have always been looking for:AM I STILL________TO HIM(or them 'all males')

I hope this helps,
Ken

Being married to him for 12 years gives you a better insight of what to do to bring back that spark in his eyes.

Was he supportive during your diagnosis and treatment? When cancer is involved, there are a load of emotions unleashed not just by the patient but by relatives. How did he work with his 'helplessness' and frustration over your illness? How did you work with your anger, fear, frustration? Sometimes there are groups that you can seek out that have couples with the same issue - maybe joining such a group will be of benefit.

You did not say for how long you both have had to deal with this intruder in your lives, so if it is recently, then he might need more time than you to identify and confront this intrusion. This is a battle that he could not fight for you and that might have scared him.

You could also try and take a weekend trip away from home and kids, just to be alone and doing something that you both loved to do i.e. bowling, skiing, boating, mountain climbing,. anything that will interrupt your current routines. You could also use that weekend just staying home and making a comedy marathon out of it, popcorn and all. There is some great comedy out there for all tastes.

Hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Quote:

Originally Posted by medievalqueen

My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs, have raised 3 children ages 25, 21, and 9. We have had our share of problems. We almost divorced once after separating several times. I have cancer and recently lost my hair from chemotherapy. I have had a total mastectomy. I am 40 and not as cute as I used to be, and I weight 165 lbs but I'm certainly not hideous. I am a very smart, nice and good person and I know he loves me but I want more. I think marriages need more.

My problem is that I can't capture his attention. He used to be all over me, all the time but now he never looks at me and never touches me. I really don't think it is because of my sickness or altered body that he is like this, I think we are in a rut. I want to rekindle our marriage. I wanna set his world on fire. Not just sexually but mentally and emotionally.

Can anyone give me some advice other than to wear sexy underwear? If you are a man reading this can you tell me what you would want your woman to do if you were in this situation? I would really appreciate the help.

Thanks
Kim

If you are heavy, try to lose weight (though possibly you are heavier as a reaction to chemo?). If not, eat more of the healthy foods, and less of the fattening foods. Use a small dinner plate (9") for a meal and fill it only once (1/2 of plate should be veggies.)

You don't mention if you work, but if not, and sit around the house a lot, this might be depressing to your husband. According to your energy level, become interested in LIFE again. Some examples, become more involved with child's school, church activities, volunteering or hobbies, cook/ bake for your hubby and small child, (which always makes a place "homey") and try to keep your home cheerful and clean. This all may take effort on your part as you might not feel like it, but be determined.
If possible, have company over (only positive, happy people, avoid "downers", complainers, negative people). Friends are a great distraction from sadness.
The trauma you directly experienced has no doubt affected your husband and small child in a big way also and If you surround you and your family with optimism, interests and a cheerful home, this will help you all heal from trauma. You are the heartbeat of your family.

I guess you all are right. I don't think highly of myself physically but I have been buying cuter stuff to wear and paying much more attention to how I look when he comes home, maybe that will help (me if not him). I really have been surprisingly upbeat since my diagnosis 4 months ago, but I'm a fun person anyway. My husband has always been the negative, depressed type. I think I might just be happy, love me and live my life. I need to focus more on taking care of me than worrying about how feels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBC

Hi Kim,

I feel for you,chemo is a harsh treatment and I wish you all the best on your recovery.

My first thought about trying to spice things up was:
What would I do(as the male)if my wife was going through this?I would leave you alone,physically,It is a feeling of ,when someone is sick,how do I feel if I was in their shoes?
Do I feel sexy/desirable?Probably not. Do I have the right to impose my will/needs on them in their time of suffering? Definitely not!

In short,how best do I communicate to my partner?
That is the question I see you asking,communicating that you would like more of him and that you still feel you want him is the ice breaker,not the clothes,or the subtle innuendo's.
Don't get stuck on the 'I am not the beauty I used to be' thoughts.Thats the negative that will hurt so much more than help.
YOU ARE GOING TO BE A SURVIVER<LIVE LIKE IT!!

You sound like a really good person looking for the same thing women have always been looking for:AM I STILL________TO HIM(or them 'all males')

I hope this helps,
Ken

Thanks Ken I like all that you said and I think that I will just leave him alone physically. A marriage takes two and it's not my responsibily, or even possibility to make him do his part, or to do his part for him.

I always strive to treat my husband the way I want to be treated, even with the smallest things like buying him his fav chocolate, a massage out of the blue, a romantic text, being a good friend to him or just give him a genuine smile from the heart. I think giving your best to someone is the best you can do, from there its up to the other persom what he will do with the kindness u have shown

Kim,
I think that the issue may be that he is afraid of losing you/hurting you. Cancer is a big disease to work through, and the real possibility that he is dealing with his fear by distancing himself from you. I have to agree that communication is the key here. Best of luck on your situation