Ask Me Help Desk - I am ruining my relationship with lies that I don't even have to lie about

My girlfreind and I have been together for a year now and I am continusly lying to her and the stuff I lie about is so little , but then she calls me out on it and I just lie again to get out of it , what kind of problem is this I need help I don't want to lose this girl and she doesn't deserve to be lied to too , I don't know if its because of when I was younger my stepfather beat me for no reason and when I was out with friends he just assume I was lying , can someone please guide me in the right direction of what to do , do I need to see someone or is there books about lying I can read on and teach myself ,

I want to applaud you for your confession; however, to attack this issue you must be ready to confront your truths... you know that you are lying; therefore, you can admit that you choose to lie instead of telling the truth. The first portion is your willingness to attest that this is a choice... If you are ready to be accountable to such a choice, you can now allow yourself the liberty to tell the truth and not fear the consequences that may result in being honest with yourself and others... You know that regardless of what you do or say, there is the propensity that someone will not agree or care for what has been said or what has been done; therefore, you must allow yourself to be free from what others think or feel. You must embrace the core of who you are and find that person exciting. You must find the things that you are involved in of value, so that you will stop reducing the value of your time and energy. If you so want to be more adventerous, more interesting than you currently are... again... redirect your energy. While yet if you are a person who feel that you should not be interrogated, you may find that when you are questioned or someone makes an inquiry of your time that you are being violated, that your personal business should remain just that... ask yourself why must you be so protective... sometimes you feel that you want to let someone in, in order for them to get to know you... for them to embrace the you you are most familiar with and most comfortable with yet you hesitate because you are not completely convinced that it is the best thing to do because of the what if's and she might not like's... do yourself a favor... live a little... release your constraints... introduce you to you, then introduce the object of your affection to you... think about it... she has tolerated your lies, she doesn't let you get away with them because she desires the you that you keep shielding from her... loose yourself young man and live and let her love you without all the mental calisthenics

While it might be interesting to dig into the past to find out "why" you lie, the fact is that you know you do... and you do it in the here and now. So work in the here and now to stop it.
If you had some sort of problem that a 12 step program would address, like alcohol, drugs, eating, gambling, etc... those steps require honesty above any other action, and would be a good place for you.

Dedicate yourself to integrity. Start this minute to live in total honesty. If you stumble, admit it quickly and move on.

You have taken the hardest and most important first step in admitting it, and should feel proud of that.

My best to you,
Dan

As a retired Probation and parole Officer I am of course familiar with compulsive liars, perhaps in he more extreme form than we find in our society.

My experience in dealing with this personality disorder has taught me over and over again that the compulsion derives from a low self-esteem, that is not fully acknowledged. I see the self-image as being at the root of our personality, and basically liars and con-men are people who are not happy with the way they see themselves.

Sometimes this is associated with a metabolic disorder that can be treated nutritionally, but most of the time these people get better if they can improve their self-image.

We have at our web site a self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course that helps people to improve their self-image. Having a negative self-image usually creates defence mechanisms that will upset other people, who then react to us in a negative way. Hence we have a SELF-FULFILLING prophecy.

The course, which is free of charge, consists of eight chapters.It starts with a consideration of Transactional Analysis, a big word for simple ideas. It explains how we communicate with other people and especially how we communicate with ourselves.

Doing this course at the rate of one chapter a week should help you to feel much different about yourself. It would be a good idea to do this course with your friend, because, believe me, both of you will learn how the minds work.

Hi,
Have you ever though about just not saying anything at all?
You can stop this, but only if you really want to.
Think about what you say, before you say it. I'll bet you say things before you even think about it, and have a habit of talking a whole lot.
Calm down, don't say anything.
You have taken the first step; that is, admitting you have a problem. The next step is to find out what to do about it. as you are asking here. Good for you.
There might be some groups in your area, dealing with self-esteem. Look in your local phone book, or even go to a doctor, explain the problem, and ask if he/she knows some groups or organization you can join, free, and talk about it with others experiencing similar problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jurplesman

As a retired Probation and parole Officer I am of course familiar with compulsive liars, perhaps in he more extreme form than we find in our society.

My experience in dealing with this personality disorder has taught me over and over again that the compulsion derives from a low self-esteem, that is not fully acknowledged. I see the self-image as being at the root of our personality, and basically liars and con-men are people who are not happy with the way they see themselves.

Sometimes this is associated with a metabolic disorder that can be treated nutritionally, but most of the time these people get better if they can improve their self-image.

We have at our web site a self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course that helps people to improve their self-image. Having a negative self-image usually creates defence mechanisms that will upset other people, who then react to us in a negative way. Hence we have a SELF-FULFILLING prophecy.

The course, which is free of charge, consists of eight chapters.It starts off with a consideration of Transactional Analysis, a big word for simple ideas. It explains how we communicate with other people and especially how we communicate with ourselves.

Doing this course at the rate of one chapter a week should help you to feel much different about yourself. It would be a good idea to do this course with your friend, because, believe me, both of you will learn how the minds work.

Dear mr Jurplesman,
I have read your advise you have given to coastie about his problem of lying, well my name is frazer am from the us virgin island and I am battling with the same problem, I really need help because I want to stop, if I don't pretty soon I will loos my love ones and most of all myself. You were talking about a website and am glad you'd did because am going to check that out. I was nothing more that to change my whole life around for the better. Please send me the website again if you can. I am very much grateful for individuals such as yourself to be very helpful to people like me. Please give me some feedback or any kind of information to help me I will gladly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

I have been lying to my partner for 15 years of our relationship. Firstly it was about about silly things, but over the past 7 years I have created a mass amount of debt and stole money from family. I found myself having to lie more and more to cover this up and now I feel I can't control myself. I have destroyed our relationship as there is no trust and he has full control over all our finances. I have got to the point in my life were I wish I wasn't here and wished something bad would happen to me. Maybe this is to punish myself for what I have done. I desperately need help! I am so depressed I have lost all interest in every aspect of my life. I need advice please.
Anyone help!!

Thank u for all the advise members gave. I am the girl coastie913 was asking for help with 7 YEARS AGO. Now married, 2 kids, 6 therapists later and sadly coastie913 is still a pathological liar. So my question