Response to letmeno's concerns
There are several reasons I've advised people the way I have. First of all, men and women typically approach/pursue relationships from completely parallel paths. Having spent almost the first 35 years of my life as a bachelor I know this. When a woman tells a man she just met that she has a "boyfriend", that can mean anything from "someone I just met last weekend" to "the wedding's next week." If a man is interested in said woman, the only way he can be sure is to feel her out by inviting her on a casual date. If she is in fact seriously involved with someone else and doesn't want to consider seeing anyone else, she will let him know in a nice manner. On the other hand, if she is interested in seeing other people, she'll accept an invitation for coffee or something equally light. Also, telling people she "has a boyfriend" is a way of playing "hard to get", for those females that are so inclined to taking that approach. Men, on the other hand, are not nearly so inclined to play "hard to get" and will not tell people that he "has a girlfriend" unless he has or is preparing to propose. A man is more inclined to keep his options open until a relationship has gotten to within inches of the altar. However, time and time again, I have seen too many young women get their hearts broken by setting their sights on an unavailable man, either because he was already involved with someone else (in a lot of cases, married or engaged) but just getting some action "on the side" or simply too emotionally distant to give the kind of committed relationship a woman typically wants when she wants any relationship at all. The signs were usually all there, plain as the nose on my face if only one's eyes were opened, but the poor, love-struck woman couldn't see it and actually believed that he would leave his wife/fiancee for her. By the time she realized the hard truth, the damage was done and the emotional scars would never completely heal. Then, any other man with whom she would endeavor to have a relationship with in the future would have to bear the weight of those burdens, making a successful relationship all the more difficult. Men, on the other hand, are not nearly as likely to expect a woman to leave a husband or fiancé for him. Inasmuch as men are more likely to expect women to be totally 100% available for them and only them, they will not pursue a woman whom they perceive to be unavailable. Usually, however, it takes a little more than just hearing a girl casually mention a "boyfriend" in order for him to scratch her off his list. Also, since the onus of initiative usually rests with the men, even in this day and age of so-called "equality" , a man, whether seriously involved with someone or not, doesn't typically have to confront the issue of refusing a date with a potential female love interest because "he already has a girlfriend", since it is not very likely that a girl is going to ask him for a casual date out of the blue, unless he happens upon a very aggressive woman. FOr that reason, men and women who are interested in someone have to take different approaches. A man can and is expected to be forthright with a potential love interest and is certainly not going to risk scaring her off by saying "he has a girlfriend" or similar remark that may make him seem unavailable or greedy. A woman, on the other hand, has to beat around the bush and almost entice a man into asking her out. Because the men are the ones taking the initiative, the females have to keep their guard up and not automatically assume that every guy who seems to show a little bit of interest has 100% honorable intentions. As I just said, men don't typically have to confront that since it's not very likely that women are going to try to "pick them up", whether with honorable intentions or not. Furthermore, since the onus for controlling the pace and direction of a relationship is typically delegated to the man, he generally feels more at liberty to bail out or demand changes if he senses that something isn't right. Women, on the other hand, are socialized to be more submissive and to "grin and bear it", even if things don't seem totally right. This, unfortunately, just causes problems to continue to fester and multiply until they become insurmountable, at least for her, and then it's too late and the damage is done. With that said, the bottom line is that when I give someone advice after their having shared a problem in this forum, I advise them according to what I, as a neutral, disinterested 3rd party, perceive to be in their best interests, based on my own life experiences, a lot of which I've tried to express in this post as concisely as possible, without worrying whether such advice is consistent with that given to another poster, even if it's in a seemingly similar situation. Every situation is different and has to be approached accordingly ; there is no such thing as a textbook case , one-size-fits-all approach to questions of the sort that are typically presented in this forum.
