Ask Me Help Desk - Parenting adult children

I Have Been Married For Over 27 Yrs. I Married My Girlfriend When She Told Me She Was Pregnant. I Was Happy And Excited As A 19 Yr. Old Could Be. Since That Time,I Spent 4yrs. In The U.s.m.c. I Have Always Lived As A Family Together On Our Own, I Bought My First House After Leaving The Service, Basically Did What Adults Do In The World. Now I Have A 27yr. Old Son And A 20 Yr. Old Son Living At Home. The 27 Yr Old Has A Job But Cannot Pay Rent, He Is In Serious Financial Trouble, Can't Help With Bills, Has Poor Housekeeping, Watch Sports When He Is Here Or Plays Poker. His Brother Also Has A Job But Goes To College And He Doesn't Have To Pay Rent 'cause His Brother Didn't Until Age 21.there Mother Treats Them Like A Teenager,pacifies Them And Basically Cannot Envision Living Without Them.I View Them As Adults And Am Wondering If I Missed The Sign Up Sheet When I Got Out Of High School. My Wife And I Don't Have The Same Standards For This And I Believe My Marriage Is In Trouble As She Would Pick Her Children Over Me.I Cannot See Myself Hanging On To This Situation Forever As It Is Detererating Day By Day. She Replies This Is 2007 Not 1980 When Our Lives Started So Seriously.is She In Denial Of Grown Up Children Or Am I Being Taken Advantage Of?

She is enabling her adult children to remain 14 years old and stay home forever. Now you can sit her down and explain just what you said here and say, "this is how it has to be" and if she does not go along with the plan, you have to decide exactly what you are going to do. Would you be ready for a trial separation? Without your income to her and the deadbeat sons, someone will have to grow up fast. If she wuld pick the sons over you, then it is time to make alternative plans.

Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she says no, you go yourself! Think of the worst case scenario here - either this ends in divorce and you go forward or you stay and continue to support adult children. I know which one sounds worse to me.

My suggestion is to have a sit down conversation with your wife without any confrontations or ultimatums. Remember that the two of you are life partners and should be able to communicate in a loving way. Express to her your worries about having your sons living at home at this point. It is not helping them become independent, productive adults who should be stablishing a life of their own. At this point in your lives you should be looking forward to getting back a husband and wife relationship that was put on the back burner for all these years.

The 27 yr old should be able to pay his own way by now. If not he should be looking for better work so that his life can move on.

On another note, was the reason you married for the sake of her pregnancy? If you felt obligated to marry that may be a conversation you two need to have. She may be hiding her true feelings about being married behind attending to her sons and having them there so she doesn't have to approach the matter. Either way don't threaten her to make a choice between you or her sons.

Hope everything gets worked out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whodunit

I Have Been Married For Over 27 Yrs. I Married My Girlfriend When She Told Me She Was Pregnant. I Was Happy And Excited As A 19 Yr. Old Could Be. Since That Time,i Spent 4yrs. In The U.s.m.c.,i Have Always Lived As A Family Together On Our Own, I Bought My First House After Leaving The Service, Basically Did What Adults Do In The World. Now I Have A 27yr. Old Son And A 20 Yr. Old Son Living At Home. The 27 Yr Old Has A Job But Cannot Pay Rent, He Is In Serious Financial Trouble, Can't Help With Bills, Has Poor Housekeeping, Watch Sports When He Is Here Or Plays Poker. His Brother Also Has A Job But Goes To College And He Doesn't Have To Pay Rent 'cause His Brother Didn't Until Age 21.there Mother Treats Them Like A Teenager,pacifies Them And Basically Cannot Envision Living Without Them.i View Them As Adults And Am Wondering If I Missed The Sign Up Sheet When I Got Out Of High School. My Wife And I Don't Have The Same Standards For This And I Believe My Marriage Is In Trouble As She Would Pick Her Children Over Me.i Cannot See Myself Hanging On To This Situation Forever As It Is Detererating Day By Day. She Replies This Is 2007 Not 1980 When Our Lives Started So Seriously.is She In Denial Of Grown Up Children Or Am I Being Taken Advantage Of?

Time to go boys, sit the family down together tell them how you feel and setup a time line as to when they have to be out. I had this problem with my oldest and to tell you the truth yes a momma will always be there for her children,( but in my case my dad has been to, I went through a divorce and couldn't have made it without my family ), that being said, its time for you and your mrs. to start living your lives. I gave my oldest 6 months. During that time I helped him set up a budget plan and a backup plan, explained all over again live within yours means not your wants, so far so good 1 year and he is maturing as we speak. If the three say no, then therapy must be.