Just wondering what is a long enough amount of time passed before it's appropriate to contact an Ex again, after No Contact? I know the obvious answers are "when you're strong enough" and/or "never", but if this person helped you get through a lot in life and you sincerely care for them and fully accept that the romantic relationship is over. And, the way things ended off were not mean spirited or malicious... If you had to put a timeframe on it... when would it be okay to say "hey, how are?"... after 6 months? A year?

Everyone is an individual and it takes people different times to get over certain things. Some people move on after several months, for others a year. In your case if you really would like to one day contact the ex?

(make sure you have thought about it, why did you break up? What has actually changed? Etc)

Then it would probably be best when you could be 'a ok' with the other person if they were in a happy relationship without becoming jealous or angry. Probably when you no longer think of your ex every day of your life, when you no longer harbour feelings of hurt, jealousy, anger, desire, fantasy and you see them as no more than the past.

In my case I would like to contact my ex in my fantasys... but realistically I don't think it would accomplish anything. Every day which goes by goes more quick and more quick and every day it gets easier and easier. No longer is she on my mind 24/7 but odd flashes and small I wonder if she's there or 'what would happen if I met her scenarios in the future.' I think Ill be happily over it by next year.

Maybe then I will contact her but should I really? No... She was the dumper.

You may think its trite to say never or when you are strong enough but honestly it's the truth. If you are still in love with that person and want to be with them in a romantic sense still then it is not the right time to contact them.

You can start a friendship again when the idea of kissing them makes you disgusted and the desire to be their girlfriend has completely diminished. When that happens you can call.

After you have moved on to a happy life without them, and not before. So be honest as to your motives.

Samesame. I wouldn't make any more attempts ever again. You have tried just like I have, you exhausted every way to win her back. Over and over again. Your story is very similar and we are both in just about the same boat right now. Yes, we were abandoned like a puppy on the side of the highway. We tried to win them back. We know how to advise each other, just not ourselves. Don't ever plan on contacting her. If she cares then she will find you. As talaniman would say.

Hey Sandstorm, I know you're right. But those moments of weakness just creep up on you. I still can't believe it ended like it did. Still hasent fully sunk in yet after six months!! Every day I wake up I can't believe I haven't heard from her in so long, or how she can be so selfish and indifferent.

"If she cares she'll come back"? I think that's just another way to keep you going, because the truth is they won't come back. They rarely do. But that hasn't stopped me (and probably many of us) from hoping nonetheless.

Test

"You have a wonderful life to live because of who you are and I
wish you could focus on you and living that life for you. I do hope one
day we are able to start over with all the right steps forward but for
now we have to learn to live for ourselves...I don't know how to do that
yet and I truly believe that is what will make me a better person to
live with if that makes any sense?"

That last paragraph of the email she sent you is something that is most likely messing with you. It basically says that someday she would like to try again. It is hard to destroy any of that hope you might have especially when she sends you a message like that. Also keep in mind. You say you are 6 months away from the break up but in reality all those months you spent trying to win her back and seeing her don't count. So you are really like only 2 months healed from the break. I'm 3 months out from my break up but only one month of no contact. But I can say that this one month of zero contact has helped me get back to person I was before I met her. Just keep telling yourself she won't be back.

I don't want to give you false hope but I am yet to see an ex of mine not make a re-appearance. I had some past relationships that ended tragically compared to my recent peaceful break up. But somehow they found me and tried to weasle their way back into my life. Looking to try again or take things slow, they would reappear and want to hang out. The best was when I was with my recent ex and an ex-ex from before tried to come back into my life. It was the best feeling in the world to let her know that I had met someone a million times better.

You have a wonderful life to live because of who you are and I
wish you could focus on you and living that life for you. I do hope one
day we are able to start over with all the right steps forward but for
now we have to learn to live for ourselves...I don't know how to do that
yet and I truly believe that is what will make me a better person to
live with if that makes any sense?"

That last paragraph of the email she sent you is something that is most likely messing with you. It basically says that someday she would like to try again. It is hard to destroy any of that hope you might have especially when she sends you a message like that.

Yes ^ So she proabably feels guilty, confused and cares about you in some way but doesn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you anymore. End of! A dose of cold, harsh reality is needed. samesame you must get on with you and your life, you may never get over your ex and the pain she caused you but in time she will be a memory (a painful one In learning)

So sandstorm tell us about your ex's and how long you were together with them and how long did it take them to come back?

Just when you feel ready call her but don't say anything about getting back togeher just ask her how she's doing and how the family that kind of stuff. One of my really close friends had the same thing happen but she didn't want anything to do with him. I just ripped him up inside . When I ask him to call her she was happy to here from him and he couldn't stop thinking about her but he was happy. Anyway hope everything goes well.

You don't call them... you move on to better things. If they were perfect there would not be issues and they wouldn't be an "EX".

Find a person that's a better match and try again. You'll thank me in the future if you take this advice.

I know what you're saying smoothly, but I don't believe the whole "you're ex's for a reason", like it was never meant to be or could never work. I think just over time people let stupid things like pride and resentment get in the way of things.

Sandstorm, it's been almost 3 months of no contact for me now. And probably right that it's that letter that's messing me up. But deep down I know why she said those things, because (as jiser said), she cares about me and probably felt guilty and in her eyes at the time it was the only way to get me to let go. I don't know. I don't understand any of this anymore.

Sandstorm, I know what you are saying about your ex's coming back. And I've heard many stories like that, but then again, it's always the ex's you don't want back anyway. Not the one's you were truly in love with. And also, yes the ex's do come back after the first, second and maybe third break up, but you can't count those. It's the "last straw" break ups that count. In your experience, what's the most time that passed, that an ex came back? Do you have hopes your current ex will come back? And if she did would you still take her back?

I think that when a break-up happens we all by instinct want to work it out... or fill ouselves up with hope that they will come back. As for how long... there really is no exact timeframe, everyone handles their emotions differently. Just keep in mind "if it was meant to be, it will". I would continue working on yourself and try to keep space from her...

Boy my first two exes were honestly total pieces of crap. They were cheaters and I had no choice but to get rid of them. The first one was supposedly the love of my life and found out she had cheated behind me after about 3 years together. That messed me up big time. I couldn't have feelings for another girl for about another 3 years. Then when I finally did give love a chance again. My second serious girlfriend of 2 years cheated on me. Piece of a condom came out of her in the middle of sex. Never used a condom on her in the 2 years we were together. Guess God was giving me a sign. But somehow these tramps tried to come back into my life. After that had 1 and a 2 year relationships and broke it off with them. They seemed to only come back once they found out I was dating someone else. Those girls were absolutely worthless too. Then the 2nd to latest ex broke it off with me and again started calling when I found my recent ex. Only when they found out I was with someone new did they return. Sometimes they would call out of the blue or show up at my work. I never let it go any further than that.

When they do show up it is odd because nobody ever comes out and confesses their feelings. It is a very vague pointless situation when they re-appear. Nothing like the movies. And you don't really want these people as friends anyway.

Plus I can't quit reminding myself about if my recent ex comes back. She wouldn't come out and say she "misses me and wants to work things out". It will be more like they are wondering how you have been etc. Plus if she does come back then I will feel like some second best piece of crap. I was hanging out with someone that I thought was a good friend last night and he told me that my ex has been talking to someone for about 2 months now. What kind of a friend is that? He was being so vague and couldn't give me any exact answers. Why didn't he tell me this like 2 months ago so I could get some damn closure. Never got any closure from the ex. She couldn't tell me she has been talking to anyone or hanging out. I'm very upset today. Definitely my lowest point since the break up 3 months ago. Why would I want to re-unite with her again if she couldn't be the good person she said she was, and tell me the truth.

Don't call your ex ever. It will only bring pain. Try to read right through that email she wrote you.

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Originally Posted by samesame

I know what you're saying smoothly, but I don't believe the whole "you're ex's for a reason", like it was never meant to be or could never work. I think just over time people let stupid things like pride and resentment get in the way of things.

Sandstorm, it's been almost 3 months of no contact for me now. And probably right that it's that letter that's messing me up. But deep down I know why she said those things, because (as jiser said), she cares about me and probably felt guilty and in her eyes at the time it was the only way to get me to let go. i don't know. I don't understand any of this anymore.

Sandstorm, I know what you are saying about your ex's coming back. And I've heard many stories like that, but then again, it's always the ex's you don't want back anyway. not the one's you were truly in love with. And also, yes the ex's do come back after the first, second and maybe third break up, but you can't count those. It's the "last straw" break ups that count. In yur experience, whats the most time that passed, that an ex came back? Do you have hopes your current ex will come back? And if she did would you still take her back?

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Well if she saw it differently she would have contacted you... and if everything was so good, then why are the ex's? Do you have any idea how many people are in loveless marriages or divorced because they keep flogging a dead horse, one that died before they ever got married thinking "now things will change"?


Like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Curious to know did you contact them after the advice? And how did it go if you did?

Wow, that's rough Sandstorm. I feel your pain buddy... takes a toll on the emotions. And the friend isn't much of a friend for keeping you in the dark like that.

Just a quick update. I did not contact my ex, so it's been about 7 months since the break up and 4 of absolutely no contact. Actually, just last week my buddy said she IM him and they talked for about 5 minutes. She said she has no life because she's swamped with work and school, and she asked how I was doing, that's about it.

I took it like she was mildly curious, but that's about it since, she doesn't care enough to ask me.

I think I'm just going to stick with cold turkey.

Oh Actually, her sisters friend sent me an email about a month ago, and asked me how I been because I just disappeared like off msn, etc. She asked me if I had spoken to anyone in my ex's family and/or her friends, considering we were so close, and I said no, and she was blown away that no one made any effort to talk to me after the break up. Anyway, that realization was another jab to the heart.

I am still hurt and bitter sometimes. I feel like a fool in the sense that I'm surrounded by hipocrites who never really cared about me anyway. I'm probably just being cynical I guess from the pain. So I know it's going to take a bit before I can get out there and date again.

Well... That's good you have not contacted her, because even if she was sooo curious and wanted to talk to you she would have, so I applaud you for not calling and reopening those feelings, and getting hurt all over again.. I haven't even called my ex to get the keys back to my house And this is important... That's how much I don't want to talk to him

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Well... That's good you have not contacted her, because even if she was sooo curious and wanted to talk to you she would have, so I applaud you for not calling and reopening those feelings, and getting hurt all over again.. I haven't even called my ex to get the keys back to my house And this is important... That's how much I don't want to talk to him

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I'd change those locks if you didn't already. You don't need even one key out there. The price of a set of locks isn't that much and is far easier than dredging up those feelings all over again.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I'd change those locks if you didn't already. You don't need even one key out there. The price of a set of locks isn't that much and is far easier than dredging up those feelings all over again.

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I wish it was that easy you see I own a condo, and I have somoene who lives upstairs, and I would have to get her permission along with the condo's permission to change the lock... The lady is retired and hardly ever around to even talk to her, I don't know what to do.