Ask Me Help Desk - Married man

I am a single attractive 41 yr old women... I have had this friend for 10 yrs and over the past yr we have grown closer. Although I knew he was married and I even know his wife. I still stepped over the line. First it started with a kiss. Very good kiss I might add. Then after a few weeks of just kissing it went further. It has know been 1 yr and We see each other 2 times a week. Although we run into each other often. We need to keep the distance at them times because we run in the same circle of friends. Some friends know some have there suspicions and others have no clue. His wife has even caught us talking a lot more now then we used to. And she has even confronted me and I have lied to her.

I am at a point that I think I have fallen in Love with him. And I say think because I know that it is not a good thing so I talk myself out of it. We have the most amazing connection on all levels. Which I have never had with anyone in my live. And it is something that everyone longs for. So do I give it up?

I do date other men and sometimes I don't even hide it from him... He has run into me out with someone but does not know it was a date. I let him know that I do not sit around and wait for him while he is playing house. And he does not expect me to. I think that he is waiting for me to tell him I have meet someone else. But the truth is no one can compare to what we have.

He speaks about divorce a lot. The problem is he has 2 children that he loves more then life itself and they are very well adjust kids and very very happy. And he has put his own happiness on hold for that reason. Which is one of the reasons I fell for him.

This is the first time I have ever been with a married man and am confussed and don't know what to do.

You walk away before this gets any worse.

Every married man having an affair talks about divorce but oh he couldn't you know because of the children. It's a load of bull. It's the standard married man script. That his life is on hold for the kids and to keep up appearances, etc, etc, etc. Look at all the other posts on here about married men the situations are all pretty similar.

This guy is having his cake and eating it too. Why would he leave his wife he gets the best of both worlds. The only person he cares about is himself.

Why would you cross the line like that especially when you know his wife?

FIRST OF ALL, you have no right being with him. He has wife and children. He cheats on his wife, that is so wrong on so many levels. No lets say that he does leave his wife for some reason... Whos to say that he's not going to cheat on you? OR how do you know that he's not seeing another girl at the same time as you and his wife? How do you trust someone that is married and cheating? And why would you hid the fact that your dating other people? HES MARRIED!! And if he tells you that he's not sleeping with his wife he's LYING TO YOU! And its not about the kids, because if he was that unhappy he would have left along time ago. And you know his wife? And you have friends together? No offience but what kind of person are you? Why would you do that to yourself? Cheating is cheating no matter what way you look at it. And its wrong. Hes sleeping with you, and then going home to his wife and children. Put yourself in his wife's shoes, would you like to be her right now? How far is that to her?

I suppose you are really proud of the fact that you had "a very good kiss" on the first kiss. Well, congratulations on that. You knowingly and willingly became this man's mistress. You have become a liar. You have become a cheat. You have become an adulteress. That is just the best thing in the world, isn't it? And now you wait for the man to become divorced so you can waltz right in like you owned his world.

Even if he did divorce his wife, what guarantee do you have that he will be faithful to you? You already know he is not capable of being faithful to his wife. What makes you think he will get divorced, since his attachment to his children is so strong? Is he going to wait until his children are 18? He would not be paying child support then, unless his wife has a sharp attorney and he has to pay child support while they are in college. Plus alimony or spousal support. He may not have any money left over for you. Are you able to take care of him in the manner he is accustomed?

You are playing a losing game here. It's been a year already and still you are not any closer to where you were before. The man has too much to lose by divorcing his wife. That often is the bottom line.

Funny how married men who cheat have a problem with the idea of getting a divorce. You know what the problem is? The problem is they don't want to get a divorce. No matter what they tell the other woman, if they wanted a divorce they would have gotten one. After a year of seeing this man and waiting, don't you think it is time to move on and find someone who will love you and only you? Besides if he does divorce his wife and is with you what makes you think that he would not cheat on you.

Please move on, you deserve more than being second best to someone else. And unfortunately as the other woman, that is all that you are.

I agree with everyone above.

But when you said

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But the truth is no one can compare to what we have

I wonder if its because this is the first married man you've dated (or isn't it?). The THRILL of getting caught, the added drama, the feeling of power trying to take a man from his wife... all exciting to you, huh?

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I let him know that I do not sit around and wait for him while he is playing house. And he does not expect me to.

But you ARE waiting around.

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I think that he is waiting for me to tell him I have meet someone else

Sounds like he's waiting for you to walk away... maybe even wants you to?

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And he has put his own happiness on hold for that reason. Which is one of the reasons I fell for him.

I think you're looking at this backwards. HIS happiness comes from having the best of both worlds. He knows that leaving his wife and children, let alone the divorce drama will NOT make him happy. You would be happy, I'm sure. He will be in a world of pain and I doubt he'll make that sacrifice for you. He could have done it already if he would ever.

You sound reasonably intelligent, so I highly suggest looking in the mirror and remembering that you are worth much more than this man will ever give you.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

I am at a point that I think I have fallen in Love with him. And I say think because I know that it is not a good thing so I talk myself out of it.

You need to keep on talking yourself out of it.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

We have the most amazing connection on all levels. Which I have never had with anyone in my live. And it is something that everyone longs for. So do I give it up?

Yes.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

I do date other men and sometimes I don't even hide it from him...He has run into me out with someone but does not know it was a date. I let him know that I do not sit around and wait for him while he is playing house. And he does not expect me to. I think that he is waiting for me to tell him I have meet someone else.

You are probably right. He is waiting for you to tell him that you have met someone else so he will be off the hook. Not expecting you to sit around for him is a loud & clear message to you that he has no intention of changing his life to be with you. As long as you are not involved with another man and keep making yourself available to him, why should he stop getting sex from you when you are so willing to give it? You aren't making any demands on him, you are merely dropping hints, and he is gratefully ignoring them. You need to let him know that you are dating other men.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

He speaks about divorce a lot. The problem is he has 2 children that he loves more then life itself and they are very well adjust kids and very very happy. And he has put his own happiness on hold for that reason. Which is one of the reasons I fell for him.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman has told me this line fed to her by her married lover, I would be a very rich woman! I think there is a manual out there that married men share with each other which lists all the excuses these guys should use with their girlfriends after the gf begins to make them feel a certain amount of pressure about leaving their wives. Honey, the bottom line is: He is keeping you on the hook by making you feel sorry for him, but letting you know in no uncertain terms that he won't leave his marriage. How can a woman not respect, and fall further in love with, a man who loves his children so much that he is sacrificing his own happiness! What a great guy! The man that originally came up with these lines was a pure genius and should have been given some sort of award, IMHO.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

How long do I wait?
How long does he hold on so his children don't get hurt?
Do I trust him when and if we are ever together?
How do I face the friends and the WIFE if the end accures?
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You don't wait. He will hold on to his marriage, using his children as his excuse until you finally wake up and end this. He will always stay with wife, so there is no need for you to worry about his children getting hurt, because they won't.

If you have to ask whether you will trust him if you are ever given the chance to be together, then in YOUR HEART, you know he is not trustworthy.

That last question you are asking is very curious to me. You know the wife, yet you have actively taken her husband's affections away from her. If, by some miracle, he does leave his wife for you, you are not going to be able to face the wife or the friends you share. They will all be looking to see your head on a platter! They will hate you and they will blame you. Don't worry about facing them because they will all shut you out of their lives completely. They will shun you and talk behind your back. The friends you share will be gone. You will not be invited anywhere that they will be. Especially the married ones. All the women will be afraid you will try to steal their husbands! I know you know this. This is how all women respond when they hear their girlfriend has been betrayed by a cheating husband. I have seen it happen time and time again. The other woman is ostracized by the community.

Look, I know that you are 41 and single and you want to find someone to love you. Unfortunately, you have gone about this in the worst way possible. You did step over the line, as you stated. You are actively working on stealing someone else's husband. For you to post here, tells me that you know on some level that what you have done is wrong, that this man will never be yours, and you don't know how to extricate yourself from this situation because you are in too deep and you are now completely in love with THE HUSBAND of someone you know. Honey, you need to step away. No matter what direction this goes in, it will not end well. So, choose the lesser of the emotional rollercoasters, and take a step back. Do NOT see this man, do NOT talk to this man. End your contact. You need to actively keep on going out with men who ARE available to date you and marry you.

I want to thank everyone for all of your comments... I know what I was doing was wrong but I think that I posted this so that I could get some people to get it through my head... I have read and took into consideration all of you comments, and I have already sent him the Dear whatever letter. And informed him that there shall be no further contact. And if we run into each other. I will be removing myself to any temptations that may accure.

Thanks again.

Women with eyes wide open now...

Comments on this post
singlewomen1234 agrees: You were the first one to accualy talk to me like I am not stupid...the thing is I do not want to loose him as a friend either...So after reading what you stated, I E-mailed him ending it and stating that we neee not have any contact at all. Thanks..

You are welcome. Honey, I don't think the women here think you are stupid. I know how hard it is to see this situation objectively when you are in the middle of it. If you could take yourself outside of the box you are in and read your own post as if it was written by someone else, you will see that they all were saying what I was saying, just in different ways. You actually did the right thing by posting this here and I know you know that.

I am sending positive thoughts your way to help you can find the strength within you to stand your ground on this situation. Stay strong. I truly do hope you find love with the right man.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

I want to thank everyone for all of your comments.....I know what I was doing was wrong but I think that I posted this so that I could get some people to get it through my head....I have read and took into consideration all of you comments, and I have already sent him the Dear whatever letter. And informed him that there shall be no further contact. And if we run into each other. I will be removing myself to any temptations that may accure.

Thanks again.

Women with eyes wide open now...

I'm glad to here that. You are never opening yourself to anything good when you are stuck in the muck.

Very glad you wrote him and said no more. It will take some strong will but you can do it and be healthier for your actions. Congratulations.

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Originally Posted by singlewomen1234

I want to thank everyone for all of your comments.....I know what I was doing was wrong but I think that I posted this so that I could get some people to get it through my head....I have read and took into consideration all of you comments, and I have already sent him the Dear whatever letter. And informed him that there shall be no further contact. And if we run into each other. I will be removing myself to any temptations that may accure.

Thanks again.

Women with eyes wide open now...

Its so good to hear you say that. ITs not worth it in the long run, you will find someone that makes you happy just make sure that he is single, and he is going to put you first and not last. Be good to you and make sure that you get treated right, and stay away from that jerk.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

Comments on this post
singlewomen1234 agrees: You were the first one to accualy talk to me like I am not stupid...the thing is I do not want to loose him as a friend either...So after reading what you stated, I E-mailed him ending it and stating that we neee not have any contact at all. Thanks..

You are welcome. Honey, I don't think the women here think you are stupid. I know how hard it is to see this situation objectively when you are in the middle of it. If you could take yourself outside of the box you are in and read your own post as if it was written by someone else, you will see that they all were saying what I was saying, just in different ways. You actually did the right thing by posting this here and I know you know that.

I am sending positive thoughts your way to help you can find the strength within you to stand your ground on this situation. Stay strong. I truly do hope you find love with the right man.

I certainly don't think you are stupid, just that you had gotten wrapped up in something that could ruin a lot of lives.

I'm glad to hear you're moving on. That goes to prove your strength and peace of mind, so good for you. :)

Good call... leave him! You sound confused. Unconfuse yourself and get out.. lick your wounds, get on with YOUR life! Your 41 and very attractive.. your at your sexual prime. But be careful with the guys you chum with. If he sounds too good to be true, he probably is!

I'm new here but, I'm also dating married man but the difference is that I separate reality from fantasy. If you cannot control your emotions, then you need to go "cold turkey" Although I can be sexually involved with a married man, I am emotionally unavailable to him, and he's emotionally unavailable to me. The sex is great. I've known him since I was 17 years old, I am now 41. I am a single parent and do not want a committed relationship at this time. This works will for me I have my own obligations and so does he. "What's love got to do with it?":cool:

Just mind your manners with the married man with kids. I am in the same boat. I am a married guy who is very good friends with a divorced woman. Her and I share a LOT including affection. She knows my scenerio. I know hers. So grounds rule have been established.

He will not and should not break up his marriage.

We have been friends for over 5 years. I love her as a FRIEND. She knows it! Enjoy what you have between you, BUT keep it separate.
Sometimes a male friend is great to have, even if he or she is married. He gives you his point of view and you give him yours. The sex is great.. its forbidden fruit.. so enjoy the snack. But be careful with YOUR emotions.

I don't know what to say,but I know you are hurting a family! As you said that his happiness depends on his children's happiness,can you image what happen if his children know what happen between him and you? Can they still be happy? Don't you think he will feel guilty for that? Don't you think he still can focus on you if he ever focused on you?you have your right to choose your love,but you have no right to hurt others! And please think about his wife,if you were her,what you think and what you do? Don't you think it is fair for her!