About four years ago I started having feelings for members of, well, the same sex. I had no intention of ever telling anyone of my thoughts until it developed into a big problem.
In the beginning, it wasn't so bad, I was able to function normally and I didn't consider it to be that much of a problem. Soon though, I met someone I really liked. I was too afraid to tell them at the time though I liked them very much. It made me so sad and anxious to think about him. It started to get so bad that I could no longer sleep at night, so, I started thinking about him to help put me to sleep at night.
The next part is embarrassing, I began to imagine I was someone else and that we were dating. This worked for a while, and I was able to function like normal for a while again. It started getting worse when I had to be around this person more and more often. I wanted so badly to be with him it hurt when others would say his name. I would walk into class every morning and he was the first person I talked to (he had no idea how I felt at the time). Every day after class, I would leave with a shocked, depressed, hopeless feeling that I never would truly get what I felt like I needed. Again I could no longer sleep at night, and it was greatly effecting my relationships with my friends. (His name is Eric by the way) One day, I could take it no longer, I wanted someone to help so bad, that I ended up telling my best friend (who, oddly, was Eric's brother). His reaction to my problem was comforting that he didn't care, but also excruciating in that he would not try to help me. I started to talk about it all the time. How much I loved Eric, how I wanted to tell him so badly. Drew, my best friend, would say nothing. That has been the worst pain of everything. My best friend didn't (and still doesn't) care. As I talked and talked the more we fought and fought. He didn't want to talk about it ever, I felt like he didn't care. I still wanted to be his friend, but this was getting way out of hand, and with my obsessive personality, it wasn't soon going to get any better. One day, my friends had had enough. They angrily forced me and Drew to tell them why we were fighting all the time. It was at about this time, that I started having feelings for Drew too. I was not afraid to tell him, though it made him uneasy. He was not "that way". As soon as we told our friends, Drew told his mom. I was very scared. I did not know what she would do. She didn't want me to "plague" Drew with this problem any longer, so she had me talk to her instead. One day, I told her I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to tell Eric how I felt. Her reply was one I did not want to hear. She had already told him, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Many times I called, wanting to just shoot myself, because the thoughts just wouldn't go away.
And that's where I am today. I would very much appreciate advice. I can not stop thinking about him, I try and try but there is always something to remind me. I want my friend and my old life back, and I am begging for someone's counseling.
