Ask Me Help Desk - How to say sorry

Well, a few weeks ago, I accidentally hit someone, and they were killed. I did everything properlly, I waited for the police to come I told them what happened and everything and I was charged with involunary manslaughter, or something like that.

Anyway, the person I hit was only twenty. I wrote the family a long letter telling them how truly sorry I was. I didn't hear anything from them, so I went to their house to personally tell them I was very sorry, and they told me to "stay out of their lives" and if I tried contacting them again they would "file harassment charges" against me.

I know I have told them I am truly sorry, and I did everything I could, so why is it I feel like such a dirtbag? I even volunteered to pay for their funeral costs and everything, and they said "we don't need your money."

I guess I just have run out of ways of saying sorry, and I have no idea of what else to do.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. But, truthfully, you have to respect their wishes. They are angry, they are grieving, and it is best you let them do this on their own without your interruption.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? If not, this may be an avenue you may want to travel down.

In all honesty, you have said your peace, you made your apologies, it is time to move on and let them grieve.

Apparently, they are not going to give you the forgiveness you seek. So, you have to live with your actions.

You might want to think about making amends in another way... I don't know any details of the accident, but for example, if you killed a high school student, you may want to start a "foundation" that gives college scholarship money to a deserving student who bears something in common with the person you killed. It doesn't have to be a huge amount of money.

Good Luck

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

you may want to start a "foundation" that gives college scholarship money to a deserving student who bears something in common with the person you killed. It doesn't have to be a huge amount of money.

Good Luck

To use the name of the deceased in the scholarship fund though, he/she would need permission of the family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Have you considered counseling for yourself? If not, this may be an avenue you may want to travel down.

I might try that, because since the accident, I can't even bring myself to drive, I have been taking busses, getting rides from friends, walking, but I just can't seem to want to drive again, I even though of turning my license in to the DMV.

I agree with J_9, you made the efforts for apologies and those were not accepted. Quite honestly, I would not accept those either at the beginning. In time, I would. My anger would settle and then my thoughts would turn to forgiveness. To leave the family alone right now is the right thing to do. They asked you to leave them alone. Give them time.

I also agree with J about getting yourself into counseling. You are hurting, feeling guilty, carrying a heavy burden and you need to get yourself straightened out. You need to prepare yourself for the future. What will happen in the court system and beyond. Concentrate on your mental and physical health. One important thing, you need to learn how to forgive yourself. While you may never forget what happened, you have to be able to forgive your actions. I know that does not seem possible, but a counselor will tell you that.

What a tragic circumstance. It must be almost unbearable for everyone. I can't imagine what everyone is going through. I know accidents like this can happen to any of us. There has been a few times that I have been close to hitting someone that came out of nowhere.. I have been very lucky it didn't happen. I guess it must be too raw and new for them to forgive you. Maybe in time they will be able to accept what has happened and forgive you. For now, you must respect their feelings and allow them time to mourn and heal. They may never forgive, but you have to forgive yourself. IT was an accident. No one would want to do that to someone, in their right mind. I think the advice you have gotten is truly insightful. There are many ways to help others, to give back to them in a way that you can't give to their family. You could maybe start a fund for their family and then donate it privately, later on. YOu could also speak at high schools and colleges about your experience, or become counselor to help others deal with similar experiences. As long as you use this to do something positive, it is a step in the right direction. I don't know how long it will take for you to feel any sense of peace but you have to pray, help others and live your life in a way that is kind and loving.
I don't blame you for not wanting to drive, who would? YOu must consider therapy as the others have mentioned, because you seem like a caring soul and you wouldn't want this to eat you up inside and destroy you.
I am so sorry this happened, I think you should try to find a support group and maybe someone who has experienced this same type of circumstance. THe more people you reach out to, the better you will be. I know you want to reach out to the family and get them to understand, but they are in too much pain right now to listen. They are dealing with the loss and that is all their hearts can handle right now. They do not want any more reminders of what happened. There are many emotions they must go through before they can be ready to even think about talking to you or forgiving you. Don't take it personal, they don't even know you, they just know their child is gone.
Maybe you should begin writing about this too. I know that can be a critical part in the healing process as well.
Remember, you are not a bad person, you were part of an accidental death and you never meant to hurt anyone. YOu are still worthy and loved.
Forgiving yourself is part of moving forward...
May God's love and strength surround you and the family who lost their child, may God help you and them, find some peace..

Remember, you are not a bad person, you were part of an accidental death and you never meant to hurt anyone. YOu are still worthy and loved.

As shatteredsoul said the above. It was an accident, a sudden thing, with or without people being responsible, you have your live, live it, you need to, with respect to the person that nolonger can. You offered yourself to them, you couldn't say anything else, they may not be in a place to accept anything from you, but you have offered it.
It will always be on your mind, but its something that has happened you can't change the outcome because it has already happened, the only thing you can change is the future.
You asked them to not forgive, but to console with you, they make their own mind up, you cannot be part of their grief, but your grief is as much real as there's. You offered that to them, if they don't accept then they don't understand.

As much as it takes to kill a man, it also takes a man to kill a family. No one person is equal to all the family other than that one man.

God

Years ago I was in a head on collision with a drunk driver who died. Although there was nothing I could have done to prevent it I was riddled with guilt. I sent a check for Mr.Cudd's memorial which was never cashed and even drove to the church where he was laid to rest. I wanted to talk to the pastor to find out how the family was but no one would come to the door. When I went up to Mr. Cudd's grave I seen people peering out of the house where I had just came from. Although our circumstances may be different I do understand how you feel. You must understand though that the only ones forgiveness you must have is God's and you must forgive yourself as well. The past can't be changed and you do not have the power to change the hearts of others, only your own.

I thought real long about my whole situation, religiously speaking. I have come to the conclusion, God must be punishing me. Punishing me for currently getting into withcraft and such. So I have more or less ruled out "praying to him". All the more reason to stay in whichcraft if he's going to punish me like this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by helper05

I thought real long about my whole situation, religiously speaking. I have come to the conclusion, God must be punishing me. Punishing me for currently getting into withcraft and such. So I have more or less ruled out "praying to him". All the more reason to stay in whichcraft if he's gonna punish me like this.

Ok, well I understand how you are feeling. Sometimes even though I’m not into witchcraft I wonder if God is punishing me for things I’ve done as well, but I like to think he is a kinder God than to punish me too severely for something I am truly sorry for. Anyway, if witchcraft is your thing then it’s not for me to try to push my believe on you. So forget the part about God forgiving you and just forgive yourself. Maybe it’s not God punishing you at all but you that is punishing yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by helper05

I thought real long about my whole situation, religiously speaking. I have come to the conclusion, God must be punishing me. Punishing me for currently getting into withcraft and such. So I have more or less ruled out "praying to him". All the more reason to stay in whichcraft if he's gonna punish me like this.

I see it totally differently...

I suffered cancer, my family suffered along with me. Was God punishing me? Nah, I don't think so. I don't believe that God is one to punish people for their misgivings or accidents, but rather teaches us in ways we can't comprehend.

You see, God puts things on us, whether it be cancer or an accidental death, for a reason. Maybe we don't see the reason as we are going through our grief, but there IS a reason.

I became a stronger person because of my circumstances. There is no reason you can't become stronger too.

You may not see the reason now, and it may take many years for you to find it (it took me almost 10 years to find my reason), but it is there, cryptic as it may be, the reason is there.

Each person deals with grief so very differently there is no easy answer.Thirty years ago my older brother was killed in an accident. The driver that hit him was a school friend. I am sure the pain he felt and still feels is terrible. The pain an anger my family were in kept us from having any compassion for this boy. And yes we rebuffed his attempts to offer condolences. I know it is sounds simple but time heals . I have not seen the boy now man who hit my brother in years but my thoughts go out to him often as I am sure his pain is on going.
Please understand this will take time for all of you to come to grips. The fact you wrote to the family says a lot about you. Let them be In time they will be ready to accept things. In the mean time get on with your life. I believe in God and understand sometimes it is hard but where we go after a tough spot is most important.
Volenteer to help some one. Teach kids to read ,feed the homeless something. When you give with no expectations you are rewarded with many things. Good luck to you as you get on with your life>