I have been married seventeen years and have two teenage children, at school. Shortly after we married, I had a brief affair, which I have always regretted and have never really been sure why I did; it was meaningless and wrong. My husband was very understandably hurt and angry. However, I thought that it was in the past and we moved on. At this time, he wanted badly to ring his ex (at this time good friend) to talk about our problem, as he had told no one else, but didn't. We met ten years after they split up.

We do not tend to argue; that doesn't mean to say that we don't have differences of opinion, we do, but we are able to sort them out. We share a lot and he works from home, so we see a lot of each other. We are good friends and are supportive of each other. However, we had not, until recently, had a physical relationship for probably about two or three years. We sleep in separate rooms, as he didn't like our new bed and we didn't get around to doing anything about it. As I am self conscious and became reluctant to have sex and largely because of this, he and I have grown apart in this sense. This has now changed and we have bought a topper for the bed and sleep together.

Last month, on his birthday, my husband received a birthday card, with a letter from the same girl mentioned earlier, with whom he split up with when he was 18 (he's 48 now) and with whom he remained friends with until he met me. It was chatty and friendly, but not intimate. I did comment that it was odd that she had written now! I asked if he was going to reply, but he said he didn't know.

We went away for two nights, to see a show, without the kids and after he had been out for a meal, on his own, as I declined to go,we had sex. After this, I realised that for me, there was a spark and was keen to re ignite it. He appeared to feel the same. He was unable to reach orgasm and I questioned this, he eventually said that it was because he felt as though he wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. He was visibly shocked when he found out how much I loved him. He said that he didn't think that I did and after what happened after we married, it was easier to think this way, as he could too, shut down, like I apparently had. Then, it didn't hurt so much.

After this, we began to talk to each other and he told me that he had not ever been able to move on from my affair. He agreed to counselling, but then said that we would sort things out without it. We talked a lot and he told me about all the things that had hurt.

We agreed that we both wanted to sort things out and try to get back on an even keel.

Shortly after this, my eldest son saw that his father had AOL email open on his laptop and he was reading mail. I discovered after interrogation, that he had written three or four emails to his ex girlfriend/friend. He told me that he hadn't wanted to rock the boat, as he knew that it would upset me and he wasn't wrong. He told me that it wouldn't happen again. He rang the woman up and told her that he wouldn't be writing again because of the effect upon us. He told me that he just wanted to talk to someone else, as he had no friends to talk to at all. He has never been unfaithful and is a deep person, who cares very deeply, once he lets himself.

We began to have sex again and it was good, for both of us and began to talk and go out together. However, a couple of days ago, I found a receipt for a mobile phone; for which he denied ownership. However, when pressed, he admitted it and told me that it was because he had wanted to contact his ex girlfriend/friend, as she had sounded down and he felt obligated to contact her, to find out what was the matter. She seems needy and writes as though she is still seventeen. She is moving well away from our area, once she has sold her house. He said that she had always been there for him, in the past and that he felt an obligation. He assures me that he doesn't want to meet her, or isn't in love with her, still. I was mentioned in his correspondence to her, not ignored.

We obviously did row about this one, as he swore that he wouldn't contact her. We made love that night, after the row. The following day, he came back sheepishly, with another phone and told me that he had two, as he was frightened that after buying the first one, he had had to offer his name and address to the shop. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! But, at least he admitted it.

His father has been in a questionable relationship with a local woman for the last twenty years and everyone knows, even his wife, who is devastated; but still he continues. He sees nothing wrong in it. My husband does and says always looked up to his father's long marriage and was disgusted when he found out it was a sham. He said that he didn't want to divorce, when he found out about my affair, as it would bring shame and he was gutted when he found out about his father. He says he felt guilty writing to this other woman, but wanted someone to talk to, as he was lonely. He said the nights were the worst, as I slept apart from him and also didn't go out with him. I see this completely now and do regret my selfishness there, but also accept that he made no move, either because it was easier not to, after the unaccepted affair, all those years ago.

He has told me that he realises that he can't contact her, after I gave him an ultimatum, of either continuing what I see as an emotional affair, or a divorce. He said that he wasn't prepared to sacrifice his family for a few phone calls.

Since then, our relationship has taken a few steps back and after talking once again, he says that he doesn't feel that he has moved forward in the last few weeks. He says he doesn't want a divorce, because of the boys, but says that he no longer feels 'in love' and wonders that if the boys were gone, he would want to separate. He seems to look at me oddly and says it is because of all the hurt, caused both by him and shown in my eyes.

Both of us are private people and don't tend to go out together socially and he has in the past,had to go out without me, to family functions, as I have chosen to stay away, probably too selfishly.

I don't really know what to do now; counselling, or just die in a heap! I don't want a divorce. I want us to try and he told me that he did too, until the latest blip with the phones. He now says that he doesn't think he's moving on at all. It has only been about four weeks though, since it all flared up. Surely, it's going to take a lot longer than three or four weeks!

He says he cares, finds me physically attractive and enjoys sex with me. In company, he pats my bottom and looks into my eyes and tells me that I should see what's in them. Still waters run so deep with him though and he is a one woman man, but is hurt easily and builds walls around himself. He says that he is now 'over' my infidelity, after talking, but still feels not in love.

Anyone, please. As I am now at a loss as to where to go with it all, now.

Sounds like both of you need to get into marriage counselling to sort out the problems. It is obvious that this has been going on for a long time and neither of you can forgive. GET HELP TODAY!

Marriage counselling is definitely in order. I would also suggest that you both get individual counseling as well. Maybe your husband will be able to open up more about his feelings alone with a counselor. You seem to have had a lot of stress. It sounds like he may have been having an affair. Perhaps he felt he could because you did. The problem with that is you have admitted what you did in the past and moved on. Just because you did it, doesn't mean that he has an excuse to. I would also keep an eye on credit card records, email, etc. in the future. Maybe he is conflicted right now. Sometimes people can be infatuated by an old flame because they are thinking about what might have been. It could be that you just need to both work to reconnect. Maybe you could take a vacation together, or just go on a special day trip to reconnect. I would give counseling a try; it sounds like both of you want to save your marriage. That gives you a good base to start with. Good luck to you! Hope it works out.

I agree with Nikki you two need to reconnect. I'm sure it is common in long marriages to come to a rut.. same old, same old.. content instead of happy.. just plain ol' used to it, etc etc. If you could reconnect you could find and feel again the things that made you two fall in love with each other in the first place. You've got to get away from the routine otherwise nothing special will happen. You can do that by vactioning or whatever. Just you and him. Do what you can to salvage it even if it means counseling.
I wish you and your husband the best.

You need to check YouMe.Us - YouMeUs Relationship Advice
Good luck

I think counseling is a good idea, both together and separately, for both of you. He obviously has never really come to terms with your affair of 17 years ago. You,likewise, have some issues of your own to work on. You've admitted several times in your thread to being selfish, not to mention your motive for having had this affair in the first place. I think your marriage may be salvageable but it's going to take professional intervention. After all, the boys are going to be gone soon and if things continue the way they are now, so will he.

Counseling and better communications. Being together to identify, and solve your problems is what will bring you closer. Doesn't sound like you have that closeness, except in sex. Go with him more often, and share time, and good times.

Thanks so much for the replies.

He has promised not to contact the 'friend' again and knows that he can't have both. I don't think there's been an actual 'physical' affair. He wanted a friend; someone to talk to. He felt that he was missing this in his life. He is currently reading a book written by a very well known 'Relate' counsellor and is finding this helpful, at the moment.

Although he says that he doesn't feel 'in love' we are a lot closer and he accepts that we have to work at it. He also admits that he is now a lot happier than he was, before we started to try to work things out.

We have been going out together, walks and a pub meal after, lately. It is very hard, as he is a farmer and has to work long hours.

We will continue to find a common ground and hopefully attend counselling together.

Thanks again.

After 45 years of marriage--with numerous "experiences" along the way-- I think I can say: forgiveness of self and other is paramount. Things do happen, and you can go on.
That said: here are some tactical thoughts.
Start having some "date nights". Imagine that you are with a new lover, recall your first intimacy event and recreate it. Do something that is radically fun--maybe costumes, maybe honeymoon suite, maybe a private orgy with a careful diet of food and sex, for example. I think you can save this situation, if you want to, because you still have the means (sex) in your bag of tricks. If you close that door, you're closing your marriage.

Its really hard to gain trust and go back to normal. I've been living in the same situation for about two years myself. It hurts and its lonely, especially at night. Hang in there and don't give up on your marriage. Take a vacation if possible and get some alone time to talk about things and start fresh.

I agree with u