Husband not 'in love' anymore.
I have been married seventeen years and have two teenage children, at school. Shortly after we married, I had a brief affair, which I have always regretted and have never really been sure why I did; it was meaningless and wrong. My husband was very understandably hurt and angry. However, I thought that it was in the past and we moved on. At this time, he wanted badly to ring his ex (at this time good friend) to talk about our problem, as he had told no one else, but didn't. We met ten years after they split up.
We do not tend to argue; that doesn't mean to say that we don't have differences of opinion, we do, but we are able to sort them out. We share a lot and he works from home, so we see a lot of each other. We are good friends and are supportive of each other. However, we had not, until recently, had a physical relationship for probably about two or three years. We sleep in separate rooms, as he didn't like our new bed and we didn't get around to doing anything about it. As I am self conscious and became reluctant to have sex and largely because of this, he and I have grown apart in this sense. This has now changed and we have bought a topper for the bed and sleep together.
Last month, on his birthday, my husband received a birthday card, with a letter from the same girl mentioned earlier, with whom he split up with when he was 18 (he's 48 now) and with whom he remained friends with until he met me. It was chatty and friendly, but not intimate. I did comment that it was odd that she had written now! I asked if he was going to reply, but he said he didn't know.
We went away for two nights, to see a show, without the kids and after he had been out for a meal, on his own, as I declined to go,we had sex. After this, I realised that for me, there was a spark and was keen to re ignite it. He appeared to feel the same. He was unable to reach orgasm and I questioned this, he eventually said that it was because he felt as though he wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. He was visibly shocked when he found out how much I loved him. He said that he didn't think that I did and after what happened after we married, it was easier to think this way, as he could too, shut down, like I apparently had. Then, it didn't hurt so much.
After this, we began to talk to each other and he told me that he had not ever been able to move on from my affair. He agreed to counselling, but then said that we would sort things out without it. We talked a lot and he told me about all the things that had hurt.
We agreed that we both wanted to sort things out and try to get back on an even keel.
Shortly after this, my eldest son saw that his father had AOL email open on his laptop and he was reading mail. I discovered after interrogation, that he had written three or four emails to his ex girlfriend/friend. He told me that he hadn't wanted to rock the boat, as he knew that it would upset me and he wasn't wrong. He told me that it wouldn't happen again. He rang the woman up and told her that he wouldn't be writing again because of the effect upon us. He told me that he just wanted to talk to someone else, as he had no friends to talk to at all. He has never been unfaithful and is a deep person, who cares very deeply, once he lets himself.
We began to have sex again and it was good, for both of us and began to talk and go out together. However, a couple of days ago, I found a receipt for a mobile phone; for which he denied ownership. However, when pressed, he admitted it and told me that it was because he had wanted to contact his ex girlfriend/friend, as she had sounded down and he felt obligated to contact her, to find out what was the matter. She seems needy and writes as though she is still seventeen. She is moving well away from our area, once she has sold her house. He said that she had always been there for him, in the past and that he felt an obligation. He assures me that he doesn't want to meet her, or isn't in love with her, still. I was mentioned in his correspondence to her, not ignored.
We obviously did row about this one, as he swore that he wouldn't contact her. We made love that night, after the row. The following day, he came back sheepishly, with another phone and told me that he had two, as he was frightened that after buying the first one, he had had to offer his name and address to the shop. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! But, at least he admitted it.
His father has been in a questionable relationship with a local woman for the last twenty years and everyone knows, even his wife, who is devastated; but still he continues. He sees nothing wrong in it. My husband does and says always looked up to his father's long marriage and was disgusted when he found out it was a sham. He said that he didn't want to divorce, when he found out about my affair, as it would bring shame and he was gutted when he found out about his father. He says he felt guilty writing to this other woman, but wanted someone to talk to, as he was lonely. He said the nights were the worst, as I slept apart from him and also didn't go out with him. I see this completely now and do regret my selfishness there, but also accept that he made no move, either because it was easier not to, after the unaccepted affair, all those years ago.
He has told me that he realises that he can't contact her, after I gave him an ultimatum, of either continuing what I see as an emotional affair, or a divorce. He said that he wasn't prepared to sacrifice his family for a few phone calls.
Since then, our relationship has taken a few steps back and after talking once again, he says that he doesn't feel that he has moved forward in the last few weeks. He says he doesn't want a divorce, because of the boys, but says that he no longer feels 'in love' and wonders that if the boys were gone, he would want to separate. He seems to look at me oddly and says it is because of all the hurt, caused both by him and shown in my eyes.
Both of us are private people and don't tend to go out together socially and he has in the past,had to go out without me, to family functions, as I have chosen to stay away, probably too selfishly.
I don't really know what to do now; counselling, or just die in a heap! I don't want a divorce. I want us to try and he told me that he did too, until the latest blip with the phones. He now says that he doesn't think he's moving on at all. It has only been about four weeks though, since it all flared up. Surely, it's going to take a lot longer than three or four weeks!
He says he cares, finds me physically attractive and enjoys sex with me. In company, he pats my bottom and looks into my eyes and tells me that I should see what's in them. Still waters run so deep with him though and he is a one woman man, but is hurt easily and builds walls around himself. He says that he is now 'over' my infidelity, after talking, but still feels not in love.
Anyone, please. As I am now at a loss as to where to go with it all, now.