Hey, my name is Bryan. I've been with this girl, her name is Morgan. Friday was our 6th month. I'll break it down real quick. When Morgan was 14 she was sexually abused a boyfriend. She agreed to having sex with him, but he wouldn't stop when she said so. At 15 she had sex with her boyfriend, and broke up because it was a mistake. At 16 she went to her first party and got really drunk and high and had a one night stand. A month later she had sex with a guy she was dating. None of the guys were more than 2 years older than her. She is currently almost 18. When we first started dating it was about 7 months after she had been with anyone sexually. I know she's kissed between 10-25 guys. I'm not quite sure about that.

Morgan is really hurt by her mistakes. She used to hurt herself also back than. She claims to have had no self respect due to being sexually abused. She said her boyfriend told her that she was only worth sex. I can't talk about it without her crying. I've done things in bed that will make her breakdown. Like I jokingly pushed her head down to my waste and she started crying. Saying she had flashbacks. I love morgan, and she loves me. We love each other very very much. But I saved myself for love, and gave that to her. The fact that she's been with 4 guys before me really reaaaaally really bugs me. I think about it every day. Sometimes I wish I could just die so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I've looked everywhere for advice to help me get over this delima, but no one cares really. Her parents make her see a therapist because of her mistakes. I asked Morgan to ask her doctor what I should do about it and she said "just ignore him". Obviously that's not going to work. I just want to be happy with her and stop thinking about it. It eats me alive. Please please someone give me some good advice. Save my life. Save our relationship. She's such a good girlfriend. She'd do anything for me. She's extreamly loyal and honest. She's a good student, she's perfect. Except for this. If I can get over this issue it would make our relationship so good. She cries all the time saying "if I could have on thing in life, i would give anything for you just to accept and forgive me." I feel like such a loser. I really do. And I know it can be a lot worse. I guess I'm just different. Please. Thank you so much. I know there's a lot of mean people on the internet. It you could please be so kind as to not make this any worse for me. We have the potential to be a beautiful couple.

First of all be sensitive to her... what happened to her with the guys has given her some trauma. I know that because something similar happened to me but when I was a child. Respect her personal space always or when it calls for it.
Now you might not be the first guy in her life, but you're the first guy that ever really meant something to her. You're probably her first true love... and that's worth a million.
Think about how you're the first guy who she fell in love with... now how many girls, if any, have you been with before her??
What really bothers you, just the plain fact of her having been with 4 guys before you, or is it the fact that you know how each of those times happened? Which weren't wonderful, they sure didn't involve any real love. Does it bother you that those four or more times of interacting with someone were probably just sex, or would it bother you more if all those times had happened out of some feeling for the guys? Like if she thought she had loved them.
Ok maybe I got confusing. But I'd like to try and help you. Let's hope someone more helpful strolls along soon.

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Originally Posted by METERRE

First of all be sensitive to her....what happened to her with the guys has given her some trauma. I know that because something similar happened to me but when i was a child. Respect her personal space always or when it calls for it.
Now you might not be the first guy in her life, but you're the first guy that ever really meant something to her. You're probably her first true love....and that's worth a million.
Think about how you're the first guy who she fell in love with...now how many girls, if any, have you been with before her???
What really bothers you, just the plain fact of her having been with 4 guys before you, or is it the fact that you know how each of those times happened? Which weren't wonderful, they sure didn't involve any real love. Does it bother you that those four or more times of interacting with someone were probably just sex, or would it bother you more if all those times had happened out of some feeling for the guys? Like if she thought she had loved them.
Ok maybe i got confusing. But i'd like to try and help you. Let's hope someone more helpful strolls along soon.

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It would bother me a lot less if there were actually feelings there. I'm big on sex meaning something. That's why it bothers me so much. She was only in a relationship with 2 of them. That's what disgusts me. She claims each one of them were mistakes, and she felt badly after all of them, but yet she did it over and over. She had sex with a guy at a party she didn't know till than, and than had sex with another guy a month later. Her parents got divorced when she was young, and she was living with her dad that let her go wild. After the last guy she had sex with she took it upon herself to move in with her mom for more structure. She got put into therapy, she stopped hurting herself, she stopped doing drugs and drinking, and she hadn't slept with anyone in a long time before me. I know she has changed. I can't even imagine her being that type of person. I just want to get over it. I know all I need to do it get the right advice and talk about it.

I think its appalling how you are judging this poor girl. Girls who are sexually abused usually end up acting out sexually. Instead of being supportive to her you are judging her and making her feel worse. You say her parents "make her go to therapy". She needs therapy she was raped. I'm shocked that she can even stand to be touched by someone who she cares for. Rape at such a young age will definitely deeply affect her psyche.

Read Up:

Effects of Rape | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
The Effects of Rape
Long-term psychological effects of rape in 35 rape victims -- Santiago et al. 142 (11): 1338 -- Am J Psychiatry

I understand that you want to get over it and accept her but I don't see you making any strides towards that. She has not done anything wrong the issue here is your perception of her. I'm sure it was hard for her to tell you the things about her past and I'm sure she told you because she felt that you would not judge her. If you really loved her you would support her, accept her and not judge her.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

I think its appalling how you are judging this poor girl. Girls who are sexually abused usually end up acting out sexually. Instead of being supportive to her you are judging her and making her feel worse. You say her parents "make her go to therapy". She needs therapy she was raped. I'm shocked that she can even stand to be touched by someone who she cares for. Rape at such a young age will definitely deeply affect her psyche.

Read Up:

Effects of Rape | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
The Effects of Rape
Long-term psychological effects of rape in 35 rape victims -- Santiago et al. 142 (11): 1338 -- Am J Psychiatry

I understand that you want to get over it and accept her but I don't see you making any strides towards that. She has not done anything wrong the issue here is your perception of her. I'm sure it was hard for her to tell you the things about her past and I'm sure she told you because she felt that you would not judge her. If you really loved her you would support her, accept her and not judge her.

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I agree 100%. But as I stated earlier, that doesn't work. I have tried to accept it, and be supportive and all that. But it doesn't work. She doesn't know it bother me. I let it go months ago because I couldn't stand seeing her hurt. So now I just bottle it up, and recently it's been making me depressed.

But your input really is making a difference. A lot of the reason why I asked is to see if I was being rational or not. To see if I was going to get "Dude, dump that b**ch!" This is my first real relationship, my first love also. And I've never talked to anyone else about this. I think a large factor of why it affects me so bad is because I've never had someone tell me that it shouldn't. I read another question on here about a guys 20 year old girlfriend that slept with like 15 guys. I think I just need to get out in the real world more

Believe me when you get out into the "real world" you will meet girls with all sorts of skeletons in their closet. I personally think it is unrealistic to expect for a girl to have a pristine background. Everyone has something in their past that is sketchy or shameful or embarrassing. No one is perfect. It is VERY unfair to project that your girlfriend should be perfect and virginal. If you narrow it down to that you will be a very lonely man for a very long time.

To be honest if you cannot come to grips with her past then you need to let her go because its not fair to her. I also think that your disgust with her past will manifest itself in a very negative way. So you need to figure out how to deal with it in a way that works for you. Have you considered maybe going to a therapy session yourself?

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Believe me when you get out into the "real world" you will meet girls with all sorts of skeletons in their closet. I personally think it is unrealistic to expect for a girl to have a pristine background. Everyone has something in their past that is sketchy or shameful or embarrassing. No one is perfect. It is VERY unfair to project that your girlfriend should be perfect and virginal. If you narrow it down to that you will be a very lonely man for a very long time.

To be honest if you cannot come to grips with her past then you need to let her go because its not fair to her. I also think that your disgust with her past will manifest itself in a very negative way. So you need to figure out how to deal with it in a way that works for you. Have you considered maybe going to a therapy session yourself?

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Really, you're telling me the same stuff I already know. This isn't what I'm asking for. Not helping. I'm looking for "do this, think this, say that" help. Not "well, if you can't get over it, leave her" Trust me, if I didn't love her I would have left her months ago. Leaving her is what I'm trying to avoid.

Honestly its not that quick of a fix. You need to figure out how to stop fixating on her past in a way that works for you. All I can tell you is to remind yourself that a person is not their past. That person is not who she is now its who she was. Her behavior honestly wasn't her fault - did you even read any of the information on the psychological effects of rape? In order for you to "get over it" you need to understand what she has been through. Maybe that will help you to stop judging her.

Try to think about things you have done you are not proud of but are part of your past. Everyone has them. Nobody is perfect.

Remember you can not change the past, you are responsible now for the here and now and the future. As is she.

People learn from their past and I'll bet she has too.

Sorry perhaps it really is better to get a therapist for yourself. But like, if you went to one, I think it'd be better to go not for that specific reason but just for bettering yourself in all aspects and along the way talk about that, and it'll most likely also get addressed.Cause otherwise you'll hear the same deal over and over, if you go just for that specific reason. Perhaps there's something else that's the reason why that causes you disgust and hasn't been dealt with, I don't know.
Maybe only someone with the same experience can help you more adequately, as you're asking.

Thanks for the advice, it has been helping.
I just don't have money for a therapist.
Trust me, I want one.

I had to spread the rep but Glinda is 100% correct on all of this she has said everything I have been thinking.

I don't think you are doing your poor girl justice. Way too harsh to/about her.

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Originally Posted by bvetrone

Thanks for the advice, it has been helping.
I just don;t have money for a therapist.
Trust me, i want one.

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If you live in the US you can go through your town/city/county mental health department and received mental health care at little to no cost (sometimes for as little as $5 a session).

This may sound trivial, but it really is true.

I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter if I'm the FIRST person my girl slept with, it only matters if I'm the LAST person she slept with.

Think about that for a minute...

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Originally Posted by bvetrone

Hey, my name is Bryan. I've been with this girl, her name is Morgan. Friday was our 6th month. I'll break it down real quick. When Morgan was 14 she was sexually abused a boyfriend. She agreed to having sex with him, but he wouldn't stop when she said so. At 15 she had sex with her boyfriend, and broke up because it was a mistake. At 16 she went to her first party and got really drunk and high and had a one night stand. a month later she had sex with a guy she was dating. None of the guys were more than 2 years older than her. She is currently almost 18. When we first started dating it was about 7 months after she had been with anyone sexually. I know shes kissed between 10-25 guys. I'm not quite sure about that.

Morgan is really hurt by her mistakes. She used to hurt herself also back than. She claimes to have had no self respect due to being sexually abused. She said her boyfriend told her that she was only worth sex. I can't talk about it without her crying. I've done things in bed that will make her breakdown. Like i jokingly pushed her head down to my waste and she started crying. Saying she had flashbacks. I love morgan, and she loves me. We love each other very very much. But I saved myself for love, and gave that to her. The fact that shes been with 4 guys before me really reaaaaally really bugs me. I think about it every day. Sometimes I wish I could just die so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I've looked everywhere for advice to help me get over this delima, but no one cares really. Her parents make her see a therapist because of her mistakes. I asked Morgan to ask her doctor what I should do about it and she said "just ignore him". Obviously thats not going to work. I just want to be happy with her and stop thinking about it. It eats me alive. please please someone give me some good advice. Save my life. Save our relationship. She's such a good girlfriend. She'd do anything for me. She's extreamly loyal and honest. Shes a good student, she's perfect. except for this. If I can get over this issue it would make our relationship so good. She cries all the time saying "if I could have on thing in life, i would give anything for you just to accept and forgive me." I feel like such a loser. I really do. And I know it can be a lot worse. I guess I'm just different. Please. Thank you so much. I know there's a lot of mean people on the internet. It you could please be so kind as to not make this any worse for me. We have the potential to be a beautiful couple.

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Hi... you have the right to judge her from the day she become your girlfriend ONLY... as you said she is honest , loyal which is enough to prove to you that sh eis good person.. what do you want more?? You knew that she was sexually abused so she is kind of victum she wa s not a slut moving from one boyfriend to another... why do you want to ruin good relationship because of the past?? It's called past because it happened and we can not change it... but you have the present and the future which you can effect it with what you are doing and the way you are thinking...

Ms. Redrose