Ask Me Help Desk - Will things ever change?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 1/2 years. There are so many positive aspects of our relationship that I am truly grateful for but then there is the one part that puts a damper over everything. Let me explain: My boyfriend is 37, he has a very demanding job that takes up a tremendous amount of time (it is a family business which makes it a 24/7 job) Because of the amt. of time he spends working with his family he has grown resentful of them for being too pushy, too nosey, etc. When he is not working all he wants to do is "hang out" which is fine sometimes but I am 26 and not ready to spend my Saturday nights in front of the TV. On top of him working a lot, never wanting to do anything with his family(which bothers me because I am very close to mine) he has also been hurt in past relationships- he feels that he has been taken advantage of and used (b/c of his financial status) which has given him a commitment complex. Recently my feelings towards him have been getting stronger. Despite his issues he is very supportive of my career and is always there to give me advice and a shoulder to lean on. When we do do things we have a really good time and our sex life is great. But as my feelings have began to grow stronger, I have been getting very upset when I think about his issues and the fact that he is not ready to fully commit to progressing our relationship. He has always been honest about things with me and he has been in counseling for his issues (relationship and non relationship issues). The past few months have been really hard on me because all of my friends are in serious relationships and therefore when we do things like going out or family parties they are with their significant other and I am alone because either 1. my boyfriend is too tired 2. is working 3. does not enjoy large social gatherings. I am tired of always being the only one without her boyfriend at get togethers and I have recently began not going to get togethers to avoid being there alone. My boyfriend has made an effort to attend events that are really important to me but those are few and far between. I can't imagine losing his friendship and I am very attracted to him but I am concerned that things will never change. I trust him and I love him but should I continue to stay in this relationship when every sign points to the fact that things are never going to change. He has made more of an effort and things have slowly gotten better but at this poinr I need more. I am constantly lonely and feel that I am isolating myself from things because of our relationship. ANy suggestions?

What does he say when you tell him all this? Does he promise to make strides then does he fall short?

In my opinion I don't think that you are asking too much of him. Some guys are workhorses and as a result of that they have a hard time letting loose and having a good time. I dated a 37 year old workaholic who had a really demanding job (he was the National Manager for Advertising Sales for one of the big three networks). He could never shut off work. I knew I was too much of a "fun time" girl to really be with someone like that. I respected him immensely but knew it wasn't for me.

I have seen a lot of women stay with really successful men ( I used to work in finance). From what I've seen of them is that being escorted to family events or having their husband or boyfriend around all the time is not important to them. They love their significant other but they don't really "cross worlds". The other women stay but have to pretty much constantly be on their guys back to get him to do anything, leave work at a normal hour, commit to events or to ANYTHING.

So you have to figure out if you want to spend your life just being this guys girlfriend and feeling like your boyfriend is a phantom or if you want to try and find someone else. You are in the relationship and you clearly know yourself more then anyone on this forum could claim to so only you know what is going to work for you. However, from you post you don't seem like the sort of woman who can have a boyfriend without really having the boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with that - I'm the same way. But its difficult when the person you love is perfect in so many ways but a few and those few are what really eats at you.

Family business. Yeah right. I think you are seeing your future,

Quote:

I am constantly lonely and feel that I am isolating myself from things because of our relationship. ANy suggestions?

Balance your life with the things that you enjoy. Just because your outside the family doesn't mean that you should twiddle your thumbs and let him be the main focus. The worst thing to do is isolate yourself from the real world. Make sure you have a life also, that your happy with. He may be your husband , but does that mean he is your whole world?? If so you will be miserable with all that money and where with all which is his. Define yourself..

Things will probably not change. And that is a shame. How long has he been in counseling? Have you made it clear what your needs are? Or are you only doing things that meet his needs?

I feel like you have answered one of your own questions. You are correct, this will never change, not completely. He's 37 and living his life as he always has. I can tell you truly love him, and I'm sure he loves you, but love (no matter what anyone says) is never enough. Like what was said below, you can't set yourself apart from the world. You can't just sit around waiting for him to 'come around', because lets be honest, we both know that's not happening. You need to figure out for yourself what it is you want most out of this relationship. Some people are happy just knowing they have someone to come home to, but there are a lot of people, like yourself, that want the other person to go out with them, have fun. I can tell from your post that you are an outgoing person that likes to be surrounded by the people you love and even some people you don't. You remind me of myself in the sense that I can walk into any place surrounded by complete strangers and walk out with a hundred new friends. My boyfriend use to like to do things with me, but it was the same thing every night. He never liked to meet new people or to do new things. Eventually it started to bother me. I got tired of not being able to be 'me' because he wasn't even close to as outgoing as myself. More and more we'd stay at home and watch movies. Well it got so irritating that I finally said I need a break. I needed a chance to get out, do my own thing, and get my priorities straight. 6 months later I saw him at a bar and it was like he was a totally different person. To get his mind off the breakup, he started going out. We started hanging together, shooting pool, talking to just random people, it was great. He was the guy I wanted him to be. We have now been together a little over a year since the breakup and things are wonderful.

Ok, I know this was extremely long so I'll end with this. All I'm saying is that maybe you should take some time just for you. Some time that could help you to figure out who you are and who you want to spend your life with. I wish you the best of luck!

<3 Leslie

ps. Sorry so long =)

Thanks for all the advice but there are a few things that I want to make clear. He is not my whole life and never has been. I have a good career, a lot of friends, and a huge family that I am very close to, I just happen to want to make our relationship a bigger part of my life not my entire life. I am a very independent person and have never been one to stay in a relationship just because. I have taken time away from this relationship on a few occasions but I always end up going back because besides our romantic relationship he is a really great friend. I have made my feelings clear to him and he has improved to some degree. I know that nobody is perfect and I am grateful that he is honest with me instead of onlly telling me what I want to hear, I guess I would rather be with someone that recognizes that they have problems and makes an effort to fix them then someone who goes through life thinking that they can't change. I believe that people can change if they want to and he def. wants to, I am just unsure how much. I'll let you know how things go.

But that's not what you said. You asked if you should stay in this relationship. Why ask for advice when you already had your mind made up and would be defensive to anything that anyone said?

I have to disagree, I don't think that I was being defensive and if I came off that way I apologize. My intention was to better describe myself and my situation. I also was not asking if I should stay in the relationship I was just looking for an outsiders point of view and I am grateful for the advice. I think that it is hard to truly convey your personality and your current situation on a forum like this my 2nd email was in addition to the first. But was a direct response to Taliniman who advised that I not make him my whole world or sit around twiddling my thumbs making him my whole focus. If my 1st post portrayed that then I mis-wrote and the 2nd was simply trying to clear that up.

Leave him. You shouldn't stop living your life and feel alone because of a man

Quote:

I trust him and I love him but should I continue to stay in this relationship when every sign points to the fact that things are never going to change. He has made more of an effort and things have slowly gotten better but at this poinr I need more. I am constantly lonely and feel that I am isolating myself from things because of our relationship. ANy suggestions?

I can only respond to what you have written, and if your as truly committed to this relationship as you think he is then you work at it. If your as unhappy as you seem to be then you make the necessary changes to be happy yourself even if it means leaving the relationship. For sure you can't change him and if you want more than he can give, where does that leave you as far as choices to make? If he doesn't bring as much to the table as you then this relationship will not be healthy and happy and won't survive anyway.

Just wanted to update all of you who gave me advice. We broke up about 2 weeks ago. So far it really sucks and I do miss him but I realized that this is not the kind of relationship I want and at this point he is never going to change.

Good for you honey. You deserve to be happy with someone who is everything you want. Remember if he comes back and says "oh I've changed" look for proof in actions not words. I wish you the best of luck and remember if you need to vent, be propped up someone is always around to be "a shoulder to lean on".

That took a lot of courage, and in time you will be happy with yourself, and your life. Much Luck to you.

Thanks for the encouragment!