Hello. My husband and I have been together for 16 years now. I was 16, he was 21. We have three great kids together, ages 14 through 10. My question is how do I deal with possession and jealousy in a non threatening manner? He has always been overly possessive with me.. very affectionate to the point of being "clingy". I have ended all but one friendship because he does not like the other person for some reason or another. My family relationship, although never very strong, is much more strained as well. He is not abusive in any traditional sense. Though I do find that lately I cannot so much as use the restroom without him questioning my whereabouts... even while in the house together. I feel he prefers me not to work. He does not like for me to use my myspace... even though it is only used to communicate with family or my one friend. I have not cheated or given cause for him to worry about trust. I am open with PC usage.. but he still goes through histories and uses the VNC viewer to check up on me. He is jealous and makes threats against persons that might one day hit on me... mind you these are nameless beings that have never come into play. I am not physically in the shape I once was... by any means. After several attempts to work out and explain that I wish to get fit again, he makes it a point to tell me he likes me the way I am and does not want me to change. Now I am beginning to feel that this is all a security measure. He is very nice... makes and keeps long friendships but prefers people to visit the home. He is not one to go out with the guys. He is a very hard worker. (He refuses to do anything home related.. be that housework or parenting.) He is not a drinker, not a hitter either. He will tell me he loves me at least 30 times a day. That is usually a ritual of I love you, I love you too, I love you more etc. I love that he loves me.. and I am very much in love with him, but I do not like that I am obligated to repeat them as if mechanically. I have mentioned these concerns as well as others but each time he tells me he is worried I will leave him and he would probably kill himself if I did. Or he gets defensive and thinks I don't love him. I made a comment about how nice the eyes of a guy on TVs were... that they reminded me of my father's eyes... and he asked, " what, you don't like my eyes?" so yeah... any help with keeping his ego fed while maintaining my sanity- and having a life- would be greatly appreciated. I know he will eventually come across this website in my history and the post... I hope he will see my question as one of concern and love.. and find the answers helpful and insightful. Thank you!

How long has he been like this? Has anything major changed from the time he was less possessive until now? I know that I've never been in a relationship for that long, or even close, so you are probably wondering why am I even writing as though I could possibly understand. Well, I'm just simply giving my opinion, take it as you will. First, I think that in a relationship (especially one that has grown so much) it is extremely important to not only have fun and be happy with each other, but to be able to do your own thing too. "Even lovers need a holiday." Trust is extremely important in a relationship (as we all know). It seems that he, for whatever reason, has hit a point in his life where his confidence level and self esteem have reduced reasonably. Although you need to continue to show that you love and care for him, you need to make him aware of the fact that he is "smothering" you (for lack of better term). You shouldn't have to separate yourself from your friends and family because of him. You would think that with the love you share he would want you to be happy. I wonder also (and this is not an accusation, just a thought) do you think he could possibly be acting this way because of something he feels guilty for. Do you feel that this could, in any way, be his guilty conscience. Again I don't mean it as an accusation, it could be only his insecurities. Have you all thought of possibly seeing a counselor? Would that ever be an option? I think that maybe a professional could not only help to resolve this matter, but even more, find out the root of the problem. You all can not have a healthy relationship if this continues or gets worse. You not only have yourselves to worry about, but your 3 kids. I'm sure you want them to grow up knowing that they should be independent. That they can love without giving their whole lives up. Obviously they are at an age at which they see these things. I really think you should both (if not for yourselves, for your kids) seek marriage counseling. At least give it a shot. Good luck with everything! I hope that it all works out for you and your family! God bless.

<3 Leslie

First off, thank you for your input!
The possession and jealousy have been there from the beginning. As for them being even more prominent lately, we recently (within the last 7 months) moved away from everyone we know and also far from his work. There is a lot behind this story, but the simplified version is this: after he lost his job (laid off) he refused to find work in the same field and continued to hold out for a job that would pay the wage he had been accustomed to. This went on 6 months until we were no longer able to live in our home. My income was meager compared to his. We went to live with my mother (despite my best efforts) and while with her, my family became reunited with my 17yr estranged oldest brother. We learned he had a 6th child born addicted and premature. We were told that although the other five had been taken in by the mother's family, this baby would be going into the foster system. My mother applied for and received guardianship. By this time, my husband was working, I was working 40hrs plus much overtime done at home, helping with the newborn while my mother worked her full time job, and being a wife and mother of three... housework, meals etc. That naturally took up all of my time... and to ensure I would have nothing but time for him he moved us all out 2 1/2 hours away from everyone. We have a lovely home.. but are living check to check as I am not working (and I believe he prefers it that way) and the fuel costs for him to commute are half the house payment. He knows I was unhappy at coming out here... as were the kids.. they have been struggling to deal with things and for the eldest I did get her counseling.
At the councellor's urging, I asked him to consider family or marital help. Although he says he is willing, when days off come he wants to do absolutely nothing.. I cannot even get him to go to the grocery store or to run a basic errand without an argument.
I will continue to pursue the counseling though.

Have you thought of possibly going to family counseling without him? I know it sounds mean and possibly strange, but I wonder then if he would then attend so that he didn't feel "left out" or completely helpless in the matter. Maybe he just needs a nudge. Even if he chooses not to go the first 10 times, at least your family is learning to work together and be happy with one another. Maybe seeing this change will make him want this even more. I worry more of the kids than anyone (as I'm sure you as a mother do also). I truly do hope that things work out for you and your family.


<3 Leslie