I will be married 35 years soon and I want to leave. No I have not been beaten. He has a good job. There are just issues from long ago that I can not forget or forgive. We have raised 5 children together. We care for each other but it is not real love. I feel very depressed as if no one cares about me and I feel like I am just here. I know I need to leave but I have no idea how or if I can. Where - how does someone start over after 35 years of marriage? I don't know how to forgive & I don't think I really want to. I am always angry.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. If this something happened long ago, but you're still angry, did you try counseling? You know, sometimes you just know in your heart that its time to move on... and it sounds like you do.

Its certainly possible to start over again. What you'll need most is a strong support system of family and friends that can lend an ear or lend a hand when you need it. It won't be easy, but if you really do want to leave, maybe you could even have a converstation with your husband about it. See how he feels.. he may be able to do something to help, or he may even want to be the one who leaves.

Much luck to you.

Lost, I agree that counseling would be the way to begin your process. If you are angry at your husband and feeling depressed, you need an objective 3rd party who understands how to go about helping you sort through your feelings, figure out what is missing from your life, and how to go about making positive changes. If that means getting a divorce, so be it. A marriage counselor deals with these issues every day. Seeing one is a good and constructive starting point for you. If you aren't sure how to go about finding someone, please see this link.

Psychology Today: Find A Therapist

I am truly sorry you are in such pain. It appears you have spent so many years being a good mother & wife, you might have lost yourself somewhere along the way. You deserve to find some happiness.

I wish you all the best. Get counselling as whatever you decide to do, this will help. See your doctor who can point you in the best direction.

My advice to you is that you need your happiness. It won't be easily done if you do leave him, don't think of it as starting over think of it as a new adventure waiting to see what happens next if you are truly unhappy then do it for yourself. At the end of the day your kids are going to go about their lives and you will be married and unhappy so find your true happiness.

Okay I'll bite. What breaks up a 35 year marriage and makes you so angry??

35 year marriage... nope, 35 year act. When I wrote my comments it was the first time I have ever really let anyone into my real world. I guess I am angry at myself for doing what I thought would be best for the children & that sure didn't work. I am angry & don't know how to forgive. Always acting happy, always smiling & laughing in the community. I don't know how to forgive him for bringing me & his 1st born home from the hospital & as soon as we entered the house he turned around & walked out & flew to visit his family. I was left with a newborn & no money.(that should have been my first clue). I don't know how to forgive him for leaving me & the children at the grocery store & not returning to pick us up until hours later. I do not know how to forgive him for not telling his family he was married for almost a year. He just went to see his family from work on Fridays & would return home Sunday. Me not knowing until almost a year later that he was with his family, out dancing or where ever. In the meantime I was in an area where I knew no one so I just sat at home waiting & wondering when or if he would return. There have been times when our children have been sent to the hospital & I could not find him... would go from work to friends drinking. I know I should have left him way back then but I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go home... I didn't know what to do. He holds a prestigious job & so did I.. Our children were the football players, the homecoming queens, prom kings, cheerleaders, basketball, baseball players, in national honor society, active in church, won scholarships, etc, etc. But they remember me always being angry & my husband just putting up with me. They only have vague memories of me having to get them out of the house quickly before Daddy gets too angry. They remember adventures of us sleeping different places, like on the floor of my workplace. I remember the janitor entering & seeing me with my children lying on the floor on blankets & him just backing out of the room without saying a word. I remember walking down a dark road with my children because we had to leave quickly because Daddy was angry, I didn't even have time to get my baby's bottle. What happened if we didn't leave quickly... No I did not get beat... but the refrigerator got thrown down, as did the table, dishes and whatever else was near. He hit one of my children once in his anger & I never gave him the opportunity again.. instead I took them and ran and would just return in the early morning. He had his friends, his hunting trips, his drinking, his trips, his family, I had my children.(which I loved caring for my children & my job) His way of taking me out was to family gatherings where everyone drank... and I mean drank a lot. It was fun sometimes.. but I guess it just wasn't enough for me. I finally, after many years refused to go. Which mean I just stay home while he goes. I wanted more than going to a gathering where it was the same old thing every time.. everyone drinking until they were drunk. Now 2 of my children admit they are alcoholics... they all have gone to college & hold good jobs. They do say they remember the drinking all the time at family get togethers... so they just grew up thinking it is natrual to drink with everything you do.. from mowing the lawn, going out etc. I think to myself.. Did I hurt them more by staying & letting them growup with that behavior around them. Thinking it is OK if you drink until you are drunk.. as long as you can get up and to to work.
My husband knows I am unhappy now... took that long for him to see me. He has stopped drinking, curved his hunting trips, curved going to his family get togethers... he even makes breakfast on weekends. But I guess as the old saying goes.. "Is it too little too late?". Yes, there were some good times... weekends at the beach, going to all our children's activities. We were the pillars of the community. Now I feel as if I am just here. We have grandchildren.. which we love dearly. They love coming to Grandmas & Grandpas house. Maybe I should go back to work, maybe I should just walk out & try to be happy, maybe I should just stay in it since I never left before. So many maybes. I have tried to talk to my husband but he just doesn't see it the same way I do. I guess he thinks I am making a big thing out of nothing... I have no idea what he thinks. He said "I have already said I am sorry". I am just angry all the time. I know I answer him angry many times when he tries to talk to me about any little thing. Guess I just kept it all pent up too long. I have no idea. By the way, we did go to a family counselor ONCE years ago, and he was told if he didn't change we would probably end up divorced. He never went back again.

Honey, you need to go to a marriage counselor or a therapist, BY YOURSELF. At this point, it has nothing to do with your husband but EVERYTHING to do with you. They have made great strides in therapy over the years and a good counselor will give you the tools you need to make the right decisions for yourself. As I said earlier, you need to find some happiness. All these maybes aren't doing you any good. You need to find your bliss. And, if that means going to back to work and leaving your husband, then so be it. But living a life in perpetual anger is no way to live. You deserve to feel content. Get your butt out there and live life! Your husband certainly has managed to do that for himself, why shouldn't you?

Now is your chance to do whatever you want to do. Take it and replace that anger with satisfaction. Make your life happy. Answer your own questions, and please get guidance through this, with a professional.

I too have been married for 35 years and I think it's time I leave. My husband has many great qualities. He just is awful with money. We too live in a nice home in a good neighborhood. We have one daughter who also did all the right things. She graduated from a good college and went on for her masters. She has been having a difficult time finding a full-time job so she still lives at home.

I try to cover for him when the lights, gas or water are shut off... so our daughter doesn't know. I work and I pay for the food, gas for car and all household stuff, along with all gift buying. I don't make a lot of money, but I always meet my commitments. He doesn't give me a dine.

He has a pension which covers our mortgage (thank God) so I always make sure that is paid. He owns a business for the past 7 yrs and works full-time, yet he is always broke. I found out that he maxed out credit cards in his name and some in my name only. Recently when the cable was shut off I found out he borrowed the money from our daughter to pay it, something I asked him never to do. She was asked not to tell me. Crazy, right.

We don't live a large life. I drive a 10 yr old car. We have been in our same home for 30 yrs. We seldom go on vacation. I never, ever use a credit card and never have. But, also couldn't if I wanted to because they have all been closed because he hadn't been paying them. That's how I found out. I get calls from collection agencies. You guess it, my credit is ruined.

I came from a divorced family and always promised myself marriage was forever, better or worse. I have tried to be understand, to offer him help. We have gone for couples counseling and he has gone for counseling himself. It gets a bit better for a bit, but it never lasts.

Because he doesn't get a pay check it not like I can get the check and pay the bills myself. Went I ask him if the bills are paid he always says of course.

I grew up with no security and was always afraid. I promised myself I would have a better life. Yet here I am always afraid. We have very little sayings and I am worried all the time. He stopped paying his life insurance because he can't afford it.

No of this makes sense. I believe he loves us. He doesn't drink. He doesn't go out. He's seldom on the PC or the phone. He is a college graduate. Is it possible he's just stupid. He said he couldn't run his business because he had no capital. His mother took a equity loan on her home to help him, now that's gone and he's no better off. He always has an excuse. He didn't bill right. The customer didn't pay. The truck needed repairs. The job took longer than I thought, so the profit was less.

I am exhausted and so fed up of living like this, yet I am afraid to leave. I have no family. Both of my parents apssed away years ago and they were only children, so no Aunts or Uncles. I have one sister who lives out of state and we aren't very close. So the thought of leaving is very scary, but so is staying.

So many times I believed in heart that things would change, that he got it, but they haven't changed. And the panic I feel every day is affecting me both mentally and physically.

I wish you the very best. Even though our problems are different are feeling are the same, I am so angry.