Well, here we go...

I have been in an "affair" so to speak with a married woman for that past 6 months. She was in a bad marriage (he cheats) for 3 years, and would have left him long before we got involved, however he was working overseas and she didn't want to break up long-distance. Well, now he has been back for a couple of weeks, and no substantative progress has been made as far as initiating a divorce. A few conversations, which he then brushes it off by telling her he needs more time to settle in before discussing it. She is now carrying a ton of guilt about our affair, even though the only reason it could even be considered an "affair" was that he wasn't actually here for her to leave him in person. She is also scared about the future, nervous, and a ton of other emotions. Therefore, she is not forcing the issue, and allowing this to drag on.

I have been doing my best to wait and be supportive, and even though it has only been 2 weeks, it seems like an eternity. It eats at me constantly. I finally gave her a deadline today that she must take some action within the next week, or I'm going to move on. We do love each other, but I cannot live with the fact that my girl is living with another man, regardless of the reasoning (money is not an issue here, as I would get her another place in 1 day if needed). She then asked me to give her 2 weeks to sort everything out, and that she would do it then. I have agreed.
FYI, they are not having any sexual contact. She has shown me text messages from him that support that fact.

I guess my question is multi-layered.

1. How do I help her relieve the guilt? The only thing she is really guilty of is being compassionate enough to not break up over the telephone long distance.
2. Anytime I've ever wanted to leave someone, I left, and that was that. What's with all this waiting business? Waiting for what?
3. Is it fair to her for me to impose this deadline?

There is a lot more to this story, but this is the meat and potatoes of it. Hopefully, someone out there can help me make some sense of it all...

Thanks...

1] That is her issue - especially if children, financials, and probably residual feelings and love remain for her husband.

2] That is your issue.

3] Yes, despite you referring to her as "your girl" she is married to another.


Also consider this, maybe she was using you to get back at him,

Or you are using her because her "bad marriage " makes her vulnerable

Or the initial thrill of secret love and passionate sex is fading and she is considering your pluses and minuses to her husbands pluses and minuses.


Not a good situation - leave it - let her figure it out on her own. You are complicating it [ an understatement to be sure ], adding more pressure and guilt by setting a deadline for a decision.





Grace and Peace

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Originally Posted by inthebox

1] That is her issue - especially if children, financials, and probably residual feelings and love remain for her husband.

2] That is your issue.

3] Yes, despite you referring to her as "your girl" she is married to another.


Also consider this, maybe she was using you to get back at him,

or you are using her because her "bad marriage " makes her vulnerable

or the initial thrill of secret love and passionate sex is fading and she is considering your pluses and minuses to her husbands pluses and minuses.


Not a good situation - leave it - let her figure it out on her own. You are complicating it [ an understatement to be sure ], adding more pressure and guilt by setting a deadline for a decision.

Grace and Peace

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Thanks for the reply...

She definitely wasn't using me to get back at him, I believe she genuinely wants to leave him, but is burdened by fear, anxiety, guilt, etc. etc.

And I certainly wasn't using her. She actually had a mutual friend tell me that she was interested, and it sort of developed from there. Don't get me wrong, I was interested too. She is absolutely stunning. A crowd stopper. Truth is, at first I figured I would just be "entertainment" until her husband got home, but in getting to know her, I fell in love with who she is, and I learned what was up with her marriage, etc. And she fell in love with me as well. She does love me, I have been around the block enough times to know the difference.
At the beginning of our relationship, I had a couple of strippers living with me at the time (casual situations, no strings) and ultimately I had them move out as things got more serious with the relationship, because she thought I that I might still sleep with them, or at minimum the potential was there. I understood completely, and moved them out. And now I feel exactly the same about the husband still living with her.

Leaving it alone is a bit more complex. She wants me to wait for her, and I'm fine with that, because she's definitely worth it. I originally told her that when he got home, we would go our separate ways and she could look me up when it was resolved. She didn't want to do that, because she said the thought of me being with someone else was unbearable. So I'm fine with waiting a little bit, because I know this doesn't happen overnight, but the longer I wait, the more I feel like a chump and that I'll lose her respect. That was the purpose of the deadline.

As for sex, we haven't been together since a few days before he got home. She says it would be uncomfortable, until things are settled, and that it was different when he was gone, but now it would feel like cheating. Yet I know she isn't sleeping with him either. He has been sleeping in the den on the couch. He complained to one of her girlfriends about it, who told it to me. (him and I have never met).

Yikes. What a mess. A therapist could make a career out of me... lol

I have to say it’s very unusual for me to come across your situation, not the ‘affair’ but the fact that the 'guy' is doing the wait. I’m more or less in the same situation, been involved with a married man for years, so I agree with the deadline. The same issues that your girl is facing now will be the same ones she’ll have to overcome if you give her a month, a year……and sometimes the other party has to be ‘pushed’ in order to get a set decision.

But are you ready for any decision she makes and can accept it?

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Originally Posted by wasup2001

I have to say it’s very unusual for me to come across your situation, not the ‘affair’ but the fact that the 'guy' is doing the wait. I’m more or less in the same situation, been involved with a married man for years, so I agree with the deadline. The same issues that your girl is facing now will be the same ones she’ll have to overcome if you give her a month, a year……and sometimes the other party has to be ‘pushed’ in order to get a set decision.

But are you ready for any decision she makes and can accept it?

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Thanks for the reply...

Yes, I can accept any decision she makes. If she were to say to me "I really believe in marriage, and I want to try one more time to fix my marriage before I give up on it", well, how can I be mad at that? I'd respect that. I might wish that she didn't do that, but I certainly couldn't be mad about it. I would simply tell her "I think you're making a mistake, but if it doesn't work out, you know where to find me", and move on in life.

My biggest concern is that she is asking me to wait, telling me that she is sure of what she wants to do, but really is still "on the fence". She has told me that her guilt about our relationship has made her feel like a hypocrite in initiating a divorce, and she is hoping that he will do it instead. But what if he doesn't? Will she have the strength or desire to ultimately do it herself? And how long should I just wait around for that to happen? That is why I gave her the deadline. I also have to be concerned that if she truly knows what she wants to do, but just needs more time, that my "deadline" will appear selfish and insensitive to her, at a time where she really needs to know that I am there for her.

This really is a mess...

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Originally Posted by LostInFlorida

My biggest concern is that she is asking me to wait, telling me that she is sure of what she wants to do, but really is still "on the fence". She has told me that her guilt about our relationship has made her feel like a hypocrite in initiating a divorce, and she is hoping that he will do it instead. But what if he doesn't? Will she have the strength or desire to ultimately do it herself? And how long should I just wait around for that to happen? That is why I gave her the deadline. I also have to be concerned that if she truly knows what she wants to do, but just needs more time, that my "deadline" will appear selfish and insensitive to her, at a time where she really needs to know that I am there for her.

This really is a mess.......

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Remember that her feelings are just as important as yours. If you are worried about how she's taking your ultimatum then explain your reasons for doing so.

From your first posted message, it's obvious her marriage is a not working out so why prolong it? If a person wants to be happy then she/he has to take the necessary steps to make it so, hmmmm this is the kind of advice I should be heeding myself :) What I'm trying to say is that, if she knows she's not happy with the marriage and really wants to be with you then do something about it and that will make things much better for everyone. If she loves you, then the husband is better off without her and the sooner she makes up her mind, the better it is for you.

Hope that helps.

Dear Lost--

I'm in the same crazy position as you.--- The guy that I'm with is married also. My

Married man has two children and married 8 years. He and I have been friends since

Childhood, then six months ago we reconnected and became inseparable. We started

Have daily lunches together and doing dinner three to four times a week. We talk all day

On the phone throughout the day. We just recently had sex a couple of weeks ago then his

Wife found in his wallet a $200 dinner receipt for the Ritz Carlton restaurant from a

Saturday night date that we had and gave him an ultimatum that he may never speak to

Or have any contact with me at all! So----he tells me to be patient and he will work

Everything out and separate from his wife legally. He tells me how much he loves me

And that he wants to marry me.


After two weeks of patiently waiting for him to resolve his situation and NO progress being

Made, I started to pull away from him. I became so busy, I stopped meeting with him

Completely. If we spoke on the phone it WAS NO more than 5-10 minutes every couple of

Days. This went on for over a month!! It was very stressful to me, but I started

Going out and having fun. Instead of giving an ultimatum to my married lover, I

Suddenly pulled away.


In the end----My married lover was so afraid he was losing me, that he walked out on

His wife and filed papers for dissolution of his marriage. NEVER give an ultimatum----

Just show them how you feel!!



If you want to know what your married lover's TRUE feelings are about leaving her

Spouse, you just have to make yourself scarse!! If she can have you without leaving

Her husband---then she never will leave him. She needs incentive to leave behind a

Home, her children's father, financial security, and an emotional attachment that she has

With her husband.


If she yearns to be with you because she misses you, she is more likely to leave her

Husband for you. Either way----you will finally know the truth about what she intends

To do about the relationship with you. Good Luck ! I know your pain!!

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Originally Posted by LoveAndLight

Dear Lost--

I'm in the same crazy position as you.--- The guy that I'm with is married also. My

married man has two children and married 8 years. He and I have been friends since

childhood, then six months ago we reconnected and became inseperable. We started

have daily lunches together and doing dinner three to four times a week. We talk all day

on the phone throughout the day. We just recently had sex a couple of weeks ago then his

wife found in his wallet a $200 dinner reciept for the Ritz Carlton restaurant from a

Saturday night date that we had and gave him an ultimatum that he may never speak to

or have any contact with me at all! So----he tells me to be patient and he will work

everything out and separate from his wife legally. He tells me how much he loves me

and that he wants to marry me.


After two weeks of patiently waiting for him to resolve his situation and NO progress being

made, I started to pull away from him. I became so busy, I stopped meeting with him

completely. If we spoke on the phone it WAS NO more than 5-10 minutes every couple of

days. This went on for over a month !!!! It was very stressful to me, but I started

going out and having fun. Instead of giving an ultimatum to my married lover, I

suddenly pulled away.


In the end----My married lover was so afraid he was loosing me, that he walked out on

his wife and filed papers for dissolution of his marriage. NEVER give an ultimatum----

Just show them how you feel!!!!!!!



If you want to know what your married lover's TRUE feelings are about leaving her

spouse, you just have to make yourself scarse!!!! If she can have you without leaving

her husband---then she never will leave him. She needs incentive to leave behind a

home, her children's father, financial security, and an emotional attachment that she has

with her husband.


If she yearns to be with you because she misses you, she is more likely to leave her

husband for you. Either way----you will finally know the truth about what she intends

to do about the relationship with you. Good Luck ! I know your pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

Thanks for your reply. Thankfully, there are no children in this situation. There have been some developments though. He somewhat moved out of the house, and has been staying at a friends place. She's still a mess though. She can't seem to get past the guilt, and the ideology that "marriage is supposed to be forever". She has good days, and bad ones. We still talk every day, and see each other a few times a week, but it feels like there is an ocean between us. Even if she got a divorce finalized tomorrow, I have to wonder if things will ever be the same...