Hi all,

I don't know if my husband need clinical therapy, but when we started dating I found some strange pictures on his home pc(pictures of porn, lesbians, shemen, and sexy escorts'women') so back then he said they were just funny stuff he got through emails from his friends, and we never talked about it again, three years later and newly married I came to find out that he has the same picture on a PC that he bought a year ago, I went crazy! I told him that he needed help but he kept on saying that it was nothing and that he doesn't do nothing and this and that... not to mention that I picked few addresses from his personal PC and when I logged on mine to check them, they were some strange sex dating sites that had all strange kind of psycho stuff! :eek: I do believe in my heart that he needs help or he is hiding something, but if its so how to get him to confess, I told him I'd leave him and gave him his last chance couple months ago and since then nothing happened but I can't trust him and its driving me insane!
If you share a similar experience please help! Thanks

You have to understand that men have an overflowing LIBIDO. If they had it their way, we would be strapped in bed all day to fill their sexual desires. For one, I see little harm in having porno stuff as you can do nothing about what goes on in that head of his. Even if you will forbid him to have it in his PC, he always has his way when it comes to fantasizing. But if he starts to act on these fantasies, that is the reason for you to get upset. Do talk to your man calmly. Maybe, just maybe, there is no problem here at all.

Thanks dimples for the reply!
I do understand the differences between men and women, but I still don't find a reason for him to look at that, I am open to the idea that he can watch porn movies that don't go beyond human nature which means movies that have one woman for one man and one man of one woman, we spoke about this issue before and he always seems to find answers for my questions, few months ago I found new porn movies that I've never seen before and when I asked him, he said he had them before we even met, then few months later I found two in his work suitcase, because he thought I wouldn't find them, and he just laughed about it telling that I have to stop and that all men watch porn, OK I don't mind but what does he have to do it on my back, it hurts because he can do lots of stuff behind my back, that's why he pushes me to spy and investigate like an FBI agent instead of just being so open to me and talk to me.
I know he loves me very much but if he could only be honnest and stop lying!

How about you try reverse psychology? Allow him to do that in front of you. Buy him porn movies as Christmas presents & anniversary gifts! Lol.If this is his HOBBY, shouldn't he have them as gifts? I mean, maybe this will put some sense into him. :D

S oi don't have a expirence but I think you should talk to someone and talk to him about how you fell and your emotions ask if it's OK to check out theripy or conciling maybe that can help my my friend went through the same thing wit hher boyfriend any qestion just email me and I can ask her and I will tell you what she think sorry I might not be good at this but I now someone who is good I am good at divorce but not like this

Dimples, your suggestions are appreciated but I don't think I can buy him that, if I just get him to admit that has a problem then I can react but he doesn't see it as an issue and because he knows it bothers me that he was hiding those movies on his work bag, to be honnest I don't know where or when he watches them if he still does!
Beme, thanks for trying to help, I don't know really if he has a problem or it is normal for a man to do that, we are into a mixed marriage and I try to understand everything, in my culture what my husband is doing is not acceptable, but if he sees it as normal, I need to prove that, Dimples said before that men are different and have different fantasies, but if it was something OK my husband wouldn't have to go hide those pictures or porn dvds right?
Thank you so much, it really helps me calm down at least duscussing it, as I can't talk about this to none of my friends or family, I want to keep the good image they have about him and don't want them to think we have problems.

Hi,
No, your husband doesn't need clinical help! Have you caught him with another woman, having an affair?
If not, you seem to be the one worried about it, not him. He does need some pointers in keeping his private stuff hidden in the computer!
I am neither condemning nor accepting porn on a computer. I am merely saying that he has rights, too. He can view anything he wishes.
If you are going to divorce him over something like this, then I really think you are the one who needs help. You are not very "confident" of your marriage. If you can't get passed this, your marriage isn't going to make it. Three years is hardly any time at all.
Have you considered the both of you going, together, to a Professional marriage counselor??
Maybe they could help you both, in understanding what is wrong with this marriage. There is definitely something wrong, and you really need to know if it is "you", "him", or both of you.
Best of luck,
fredg

Fredg, if you don't hide absolutely nothing from your spouse, and I mean it NOTHING! Why would you hide things from them? If I thought about leaving him its because I felt betrayed, I felt disrespected, I felt usless... I never found him with another women but I found on his detailed bill that he talked to his ex once for almost an hour, again he never said he was keeping in touch with her, and why couldn't he talk to her in front of me? Another time I found a number from Europe and again by curiosity I called, it was some psycho that had her add a sex dating web site! He totally denied it and said many people uses his cell, so probably someone called! Its his lies that I can't put up with, if he was just honnest and open about everything, I'd be the first one to help... as for counselling :))) hehehe I laugh because I'm willing to do it from tomorrow, anything to make this marriage a happy one and a successful one, and have wonderful babies, but he says it's all in my head and I'm make a drama out of things, while I'm sure if it was me, he would have done what nobody can imagine!
He is a great guy, I love him so much, but if he only never lied, now to build up the trust back seems like a real difficult thing to me!
Thanks for the advise, different views make the problem less sensitive!1

Hi,
You been married 3 yrs?? Yes, you are newlyweds. My wife and I have been happily married now for going on 29 years.
Yes, there are things that are "hidden", but not like you might think. It's not the same as "hiding" things from your spouse. There are things, which you will learn, are not talked about.
This isn't the same as "hiding" an affair, (which I have never had), but there are things that are better off left unsaid.
One of these is your situation. It has upset you to no end, finding out your spouse likes to look at porn. It's normal, and natural... not saying everyone does it, but it's up to each individual person.
If you think you are going to have a lasting marriage, based on "the whole truth and nothing but the truth", about Everything, think again!
For example: You, as a woman, find another man very attractive... but that's as far as it goes. You see this man, in public, not saying anything to him, don't even know his name, but you think he really is attractive.
You going to tell your husband?? And discuss this with him? Telling him why you think this man is attractive to you?
Better not... Marriage is a learning process, with ongoing issues.

Best of luck,
fredg

You are frustrated that he lies; however, you have yet to disclose your need to assume the role of an FBI agent. You are his wife... one he loves, one he will respect when given the chance. You know that he is into "porn" which compares him to that of a voyeur; however, you narrow it down, you would know by what he expects from you during private time. If he has replaced intimacy with you for his tapes; he could be a true voyeur. Test him, if you are willing to create healthy viewing; do not attempt this if you are not willing to carry it out until he is satisfied. I will contact you via private message later

Pornography does not build a foundation for a healthy marriage. Yes, many married men out there view pornography and never get divorced, but to view pornography is an extremely selfish desire. From the theological point of view, it's abhorrent in the eyes of God. From the logical point of view, read about Dr. James Dobson at www.family.org. Though many think he's an extremist, his ideas on pornography are solid, and backed up with research. However, also don't assume that because he looks at porn means you aren't satisfying him, The cure to porn is not more sex. Frankly speaking, pornography is extremely addictive, and your husband won't overcome it unless he wants to. You should open up to him and let him know what it does to your relationship, but in order for you to trust him, he needs to be able to trust you.

Fredg, I know that your 29 years of marriage can bring a lot to all of us out there who just started the marriage journey! Actually I don't hide things from my husband and believe it or not I don't even get attracted to other men, that would be cheating too, and everybody tells my husband that he is a real lucky man to have me, I know he knows it very well but he has a lot to work on.
Shenda, I appreciate your help, you seem to understand my frasturation quite well. Things probably got worst in the last two days, my husband was back from a long trip, so on Sunday night after we were in bed ready to sleep(and after having sex) he said he was going to use the toilet which is in the ground floor saying that he doesn't like using the one we have in the bedroom, so he kissed me good noght and went down stairs, I woke up an hour later and he was still not back, so I went down to check on him, he was watching ESPN, so I asked him why he didn't come back to bed, he said he wanted to watch some TV(by the way the TV of our bedroom was still on and on ESPN) so I turned back to go upstairs and I noticed the DVD player paused, meaning thathe was watching something and when he heard me coming he puased it and switched to ESPN, he was normal and smoking a cigarette, so I went and ejected the DVDs to see what he was watching and no surprise "PORN" he freaked when I did it and came running trying to push me so I don't see what it was... that just pissed me off so bad, I mean we just had sex, and half an hour later he was watching porn? I was crying and he took them DVDs and broke them in front of me, he thinks that breaking them is the solution, he can always go and buy some more!
SSchultz said that he won't overcome this addiction unless he really wants too, I agree with you 1000000% and again he lied when he got busted, he said he was checking what's on them, so funny really, like am retarded that he can convince me with any kind of jokes, the cover says it all, its not like he didn't know it was porn, so I am so upset since then and he is doing all the begging and the speeches that exist to get me to forgive him, I made it clear that him this time that next time I won't talk about it, but I'll act! It does bother me if he watches porn, he said he was bored, if I'm bored I'll read a book, play a game, watch a movie, NOT PORN!
Thnak you guys for your advices, really appreciated!

Hi Notre Dame, Just thought I would add my observations. I admit this is not an easy situation you are dealing with, and I don't feel there are likely any easy solutions. What worries me most about your last post is the adamance with which you stated he tried to cover his activities, to the point of becoming almost physical, however good-natured he may have intended it. That definintely denotes a growing and unhealthy frustration on his part. You are both understandably frustrated.
I too must agree with SSchultz, in that he is totally incapable of quitting until he is ready. Whether he wants to quit watching porn or not, he may on some level intuitively understand this, and this could be adding to his current frustration. I agree with most people here, that watching porn is a relatively common activity among men, and though not entirely healthy, is not necessarily harmful either in moderation. Though sometimes the problem, as with chronic gamblers and alcholics, lies within the brain's altered physiology. Some people are born predisposed to developing an addictive personality. Though porn as with many things can be addicting and escalating regardless, he should be able to hold off his viewing habits when asked or necessary. It should never become a compulsion.
Though it may well seem like he is disrespecting your wishes and beliefs, and this is not to say he isn't entirely, he may simply be incapable of postponing his activities and not know how to tell you. The fact that he tries so hard to conceal his activities, though indicative of feelings of frustration and unacceptance, is also highly indicative that your view of him does matter greatly. I do believe he does love you very much, and I also think he feels ashamed at not being able to live up to your expectations of him. Though he is a man, and expressing his feelings openly may not come easy to him, even if he is entirely aware of them. Often people use things such as porn to anesthetize themselves from other issues.
Porn can be very potent, like mainlining eroticism. It is very condensed and streamlined with the sole purpose of stimulating the libido. I don't feel he is using porn as a substitute for intimacy with you. I don't think it necessarily qualifies as cheating per se. His intimate time with you necessarily involves a deep energetic exchange, and likely a deep connection of the soul as well. Porn bypasses the heart, the soul, and often even the body, connecting directly to the largest sex organ of all, the brain. And forgive me for being a bit crude for a moment, but if he isn't pleasuring himself while watching the movies, they are probably largely serving to maintain an accustomed level of biochemical secretions in his brain, much as a marathon runner has a strong desire to hit the road frequently. There may well be an mild element of control or selfishness as well, as porn is entirely oriented to the pleasure of the viewer, usually a male viewer. The more he feels he is losing his ability to choose in his life, the more he may resort to watching movies rather than spend more time with you. I certainly understand your frustration, but for the marriage to survive, he will ultimately need both his space, as well as any understanding you may be able to offer.
Lastly, he may well have issues with intimacy. I noticed you made no reference to him taking time to hold you after sex. I feel this is important. Sex and intimacy can be two very different things, and often tend to appeal to very different needs. Most men, particularly American men, do not know how to adequately relate to touch in a non-sexual context. Most men simply aren't used to being touched in a caring, healing, wholly non-sexual manner. I would suggest spending some time with him engaged in intimate, but decidedly non-sexual contact. I really do feel he is mentally overstimulated, and completely out of touch with his body, perhaps even his feelings to some degree. I do feel he loves you and sincerely wants your approval, but you may well need the help of a third party to mediate the situation for a time.
And remember, love is about wanting happiness for one's partner. Fredg hit the nail on the head... Marriage isn't so much about finding the perfect person, as finding someone whose faults you can live with, and perhaps helping them to grow out or through a few of them.
I wish you both the best of luck and happiness. You both need a good degree of understanding right now.

shenda & fredg have some good points. I am impressed.

Hi,
This original posting of a question sure brought on a lot of different opinions and comments.
I have enjoyed reading them all.
fredg

First, you knew about this when you married him. Second, would you like it if he went through your purse, wallet, personal things? You would think that he does not have any trust in you and is constantly checking up on you for something you do wrong. Men see women in all kinds of attire in magazines, movies, etc. and they will fantasize, and as long as you did not find any kid prono in there, you should leave it at that. Some couples even watch those types of movies together just for fun because they know it's all staged. I sounds to me as if you never trusted him in the first place so why did you marry him. If you love him, be calm, join in if it does not make you puke, and maybe he won't find it so important anymore and will feel more comfortable with you. What you are doing now is setting ultimatums you should have before saying 'yes' instead of thinking of the things you are going to change in him while walking down that isle. I'm a woman who has fantasies too, and my b/f knows it - about guys like George Clooney - my b/f looks a little like him in those deep eyes. We all have our fantasies, it's human. I'm not a fan of prono as it exploits women, but if they are willing to do this for money, they will always exist, and men will always look. If you are otherwise happy with your hubby let him have his hobby, and you have your's. At least it's not a live woman he's spending time with. Don't mean to be harsh, just my opinion, and hope all works out for you both.

Hi,
My husband bought a subscription to a few porn sites on the internet... still after 3 years of marriage and a 2 yr still get emails that these women are ready to meet him... He started this at work one day and I just happened to find it in an email I saw... He lied of course and after the charges showed up on the bank account he couldn't hide it anymore. He still won't own up to it... but I know to this day he ordered. I was kind of mad at first thinking it didn't want me to join in with him but than realized he is a guy and they do this... just talk to him and tell him that it hurts your feelings that he is hiding this from you. He'll understand and if he doesn't his lost...

How true, he should not use the family money for this stuff, but there are sites in europe where they can download for free and there's always P2P, like limewire and they can download the stuff for free there too. Boys will be boys no matter what, as long as they keep it away from 'reality'. But he could get in trouble at the workplace, as most companies have strict rules against such stuff. At least they are not paying for something on the streets, just curious most of the time. Here is europe they even have comercials on TV with half naked men which I must admit I enjoy myself and wish they would turn around... Veriety is the spice of life, I guess. I would not go out an buy one though. I know what I have at home.

Thanks Thomas for your opinion, it highlights some good points in my problem! But how can I involve a third party in my problem if my husband is denying any kind of problems, he says marriages have their ups and downs and he didn’t commit a crime or cheated on me so I make a big deal out of it.
I sometimes think that some men including my husband get strong feelings for their women not because of love but because of desperate need for them in their lives, a need for a good caring wife that they might not find again if they lose them, because someone who loves deeply would never ever hurt the other part, a strong man gets over the temptation and remembers he has someone home waiting for him, even weak man resist when they are really in love with a woman.
I know my husband is trying his best to impress me and make me happy, but selfishness is harmful when it exists in a couple’s life, I can fantasize on other men, I can even communicate with other men through different means and he would never know, but I won't, because I love him and respect him whether in his presence or absence.
Unfortunately, some technologies are killing our values step by step and driving people to very wrong direction that doesn’t lead no where but destroying lives.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by notre dame

Thanks Thomas for your opinion, it highlights some good points in my problem! But how can I involve a third party in my problem if my husband is denying any kind of problems, he says marriages have their ups and downs and he didn’t commit a crime or cheated on me so I make a big deal out of it.
I sometimes think that some men including my husband get strong feelings for their women not because of love but because of desperate need for them in their lives, a need for a good caring wife that they might not find again if they lose them, because someone who loves deeply would never ever hurt the other part, a strong man gets over the temptation and remembers he has someone home waiting for him, even weak man resist when they are really in love with a woman.
I know my husband is trying his best to impress me and make me happy, but selfishness is harmful when it exists in a couple’s life, I can fantasize on other men, I can even communicate with other men through different means and he would never know, but I wont, because I love him and respect him whether in his presence or absence.
Unfortunately, some technologies are killing our values step by step and driving people to very wrong direction that doesn’t lead no where but destroying lives.

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There is something we have to face, porn, like prostitution has always been a part of this world and always will be. It depends on how each of us deal with it. You have your values, as you stated, but this does not mean your husband does not love or value you. He has an addiction/interest and he's not the only one, many men and women do. If you insist that your husband stops, it will be your doing, not society's doing that will kill a good thing, as you call it. We each have choices to make in our lives and you have your's, put up with him not being 'perfect', or go on with your life without him. Which do you prefer?