Ask Me Help Desk - Think Boyfriend is Sexually Inexperienced

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now. He is 38 and I'm 45, but no one notices or thinks there is an age difference. I know he has never dated an older woman before, but I don't think that's the issue. We finally made love last weekend, for about 5 minutes and I am the one that initiated it because I couldn't stand it any longer especially since we've been sleeping together for the past 3 weekends without even a touch! He was so quite I wasn't even sure he was there! Well, he came over this Saturday night and we had it planned and I even discussed us taking a bubble bath together. He told me he wasn't sure about that (bath together) so I said okay. Later he informed me that he was just joking about the bath thing, of course after we had a discussion about it at 2 AM! All evening he didn't make one effort to initiate sex with me or even seem interested in making love to me. We did have a nice time together and he held my hand & we even kissed. Then we went to my bedroom and put a movie in that we'd seen 20 times before and he still didn't seem interested! When the movie was over and the TV turned off, along with the lights & me, he began kissing me. He kissed me for a few minutes and then stopped and seemed to be falling asleep. I asked him if there was a problem, why he didn't seem interested in taking a bath with me or making love with me. He told me he had started kissing me but then I pulled away... I didn't pull away at all. I wanted him so why would I do that? Anyway, he knew I was frustrated and then began kissing me & then touching me. I felt awkward because I had to bring it up and I wanted him to do it because he wanted to not because I wanted him to, you know? After kissing a few minutes and he touching my breasts I took over and within about 3 minutes he was done. I think he is really inexperienced sexually speaking and I have no idea how to get past this. Can I help? Can I find a way to understand? I want to; I truly care about him and actually think I love him. He is kind of a computer nerd and he is also a truly gifted artist and know he's a little unique. Please, anyone know where I can find information on how to make it through this and to understand and possibly make this easier on him and me as well? I am a very sexual woman and this is frustrating for me.

Froggie5166

Sounds like it's time for an honest and empathetic talk. If he truly is inexperienced, there are many different things you can do to help him become more comfortable. Ask us for ideas.

If he is experienced, something else is going on. He may not like physical contact, touching, prolonged kissing. If that's the case, get back to us and I will respond to your post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cricket5166

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now. He is 38 and I'm 45, but no one notices or thinks there is an age difference. I know he has never dated an older woman before, but I don't think that's the issue. We finally made love last weekend, for about 5 minutes and I am the one that initiated it because I couldn't stand it any longer especially since we've been sleeping together for the past 3 weekends without even a touch! He was so quite I wasn't even sure he was there! Well, he came over this Saturday night and we had it planned and I even discussed us taking a bubble bath together. He told me he wasn't sure about that (bath together) so I said okay. Later he informed me that he was just joking about the bath thing, of course after we had a discussion about it at 2 AM! All evening he didn't make one effort to initiate sex with me or even seem interested in making love to me. We did have a nice time together and he held my hand & we even kissed. Then we went to my bedroom and put a movie in that we'd seen 20 times before and he still didn't seem interested! When the movie was over and the TV turned off, along with the lights & me, he began kissing me. He kissed me for a few minutes and then stopped and seemed to be falling asleep. I asked him if there was a problem, why he didn't seem interested in taking a bath with me or making love with me. He told me he had started kissing me but then I pulled away......I didn't pull away at all. I wanted him so why would I do that?? Anyway, he knew I was frustrated and then began kissing me & then touching me. I felt awkward because I had to bring it up and I wanted him to do it because he wanted to not because I wanted him to, you know? After kissing a few minutes and he touching my breasts I took over and within about 3 minutes he was done. I think he is really inexperienced sexually speaking and I have no idea how to get past this. Can I help? Can I find a way to understand? I want to; I truly care about him and actually think I love him. He is kind of a computer nerd and he is also a truly gifted artist and know he's a little unique. Please, anyone know where I can find information on how to make it through this and to understand and possibly make this easier on him and me as well? I am a very sexual woman and this is frustrating for me.

Froggie5166

He's a c r a p p y lover and you want someone in charge who takes initiative. You can teach someone to be a better lover, but the great ones are the ones that are INTERESTED and into it, and they pay attention. Next!

I have to disagree, Cerulean.

You are obviously younger--when you hit your 30s and 40s, there ARE NOT as many fish in the sea, climbing over each other to get to you. There are especially fewer without substantial baggage.

Please... don't just jump in and tell someone to "give up and get someone else" because unless you're a teenager, it's not that simple.

Crickett - you are going to HAVE to talk to this guy. If you can't TALK about sex, you shouldn't be HAVING sex. You need that level of comfort with each other for the sex to be any good, you know?

That being said... sit the guy down and ask him what the heck is up with him. Is he inexperienced? (You need to know that anyway, honey--diseases don't just happen to people in their 20s who have had 230 partners). Is he just nervous? (if that's the case, you can work together on fixing it) Is he gay (heaven forfend--but hey, it could happen). Is he on medication that may be affecting his sex drive? (you should know about someone's medications by the point you're going to have sex anyway--being that intimate with each other should mean that you know what medical problems the other has).

There are a lot of questions that only he can answer with this. Please sit down and ASK him. It may be embarrassing, but that's better than ruining a relationship for lack of communication - or in a worst case scenario, it's better to be embarrassed than dead.

I could be that he was a virgin. I think you two should have a talk. Just ask him. He may be self conscious about it, but if you are going to have a relationship and you are a sexual person and he is not, then you two are not suited. This needs to be discussed. Unless you want to stay frustrated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerulean

He's a c r a p p y lover and you want someone in charge who takes initiative. You can teach someone to be a better lover, but the great ones are the ones that are INTERESTED and into it, and they pay attention. Next!

I hate to be harsh - but i sort of....agree.

If you love him to death then it is worth trying hard to make him into a lifetime partner.
But if not, I think there is a reason he is single... BUT give him a couple more tries and maybe you can be the teacher - enjoy the process... if after a few months it's still sub-freezing in the bedroom you might want to walk on to warmer arms...

At 38 I will blame his problem on anything but being inexperienced. Some people are just lousy lovers. Same can't learn others WON'T learn.

Now if he was 18 I would assume differently.