Hello,

I'll try to make this as brief as possible:

I have been dating this girl for 11 months, about 3 weeks ago she told me she was moving back to Iowa(where she grew up, moved here when she was a sophomore in High School) She wants to finish her last 2 years of college there. This was fairly devastating but after thinking about it I said I would move with her. This is where the trouble started, she tells me she needs to do it on her own. She doesn't want me to come with her and her wanting to do it on her own is her only reason. This destroyed me, I never asked her stay but I pleaded to allow me to go with her or for her to offer me some better reason why she's leaving(sick of me, another guy, etc.) But she supplies no added reason. She is leaving in December after this semester and that leaves these last months, I broke up with her 2 days ago thinking she would realize what she was losing but all I have managed to do is get hysterically depressed.

She always told me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me and grow old with me and everything else, she wanted to stay together while she was gone but I was just so distraught when I pictured being away from her. Its not like she's going somewhere I can't go she simply doesn't want me there. Our relationship has been amazing and I love her so much that even before she told me she was leaving I planned on proposing and even when we have chatted about it she has always been very excited for the day. It just doesn't make sense to me. I've been so upset I have been bugging her non-stop to give me some sort of insight into this and all she can come up with is: "I don't expect you to understand, but i need to do this."

Should I stay with her till she leaves and hope she asks me to go with her. I really don't want to get a call 2 months down the road saying she found someone else etc and be rejected so terribly. Should I just end it until she figures this thing out and hope its what I want, or is that giving up to soon? I'm pretty torn by this. I am asking for some sort of guidance.

Thanks so much!

I'm sorry you're going through this. But maybe she doesn't have an answer for herself, and that's why she can't provide you with one.

Maybe she just has a "feeling" of not needing you... and the more you "push", the more she will be trained into thinking that "oh yes...now I know...it's because he's annoying and pushy". Do you understand what I'm saying? When you see her pulling away, don't make her start running because you are chasing her. You need to stop and be cool.

I'm actually not sure what you should do, but I'm sure you shouldn't do what you've been doing because it has got you no where.

*Good luck and I hope everything works out

Where I can understand you being caught off guard, you must admit you have handled this whole thing badly. Apologise for acting immaturely, and wish her well, and leave her alone. She has already told you what she was going to do, so you have to accept what she wants. No answer she gives you, if she has one, will be enough in the mental state your in.

Yea I have messed up big, I have pushed her so much, today even more so, she doesn't even want to talk to me now. I just hate the waiting, I can honestly say I support her and everything but now I doubt she will listen to anything I have to say. I have been in many relationships and have had my ups and downs. I want this woman to be my wife someday. I just don't know how to show her anymore.

Ok, easy does it.

If she is the one don't panic.


Women need to see a guy can step back. If you do not, you will lose her.
You cannot chase a woman down the street with roses and a ring, (unless it is a special circumstance - like she loved you, but thought
You were not in love with her - that is not the case here)... Otherwise, if you chase her, she will flee.

In a couple days, if you have not heard from her, you could always write down your thoughts clearly and put them in a short card/letter or call her, and wish her well. Don't give her a guilt trip or a deadline... Then let her go. Silence is your only weapon at this time.

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I want this woman to be my wife someday. I just don't know how to show her anymore.

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If she doesn't want the same thing , then it does no good. Until she makes wants to see you, best give her a lot of space. A LOT!!

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Originally Posted by SoConfused8

Yea i have messed up big, i have pushed her so much, today even more so, she doesn't even want to talk to me now. I just hate the waiting, i can honestly say i support her and everything but now i doubt she will listen to anything i have to say. I have been in many relationships and have had my ups and downs. I want this woman to be my wife someday. I just dont know how to show her anymore.

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You don't want the last memory of you guys to be "you making her feel annoyed and smothered by your love". Be smart and make the last memory gold. Just be a friend and say goodbye to her and that you respect her decision. And then truly say goodbye. This will give her something to think about. This action will make her ponder more than if you choose to be "bitter" or "overly loving" or "sappy" or "angry and frustrated", etc in front of her.

Just being "okay, it was fun and I wish you all the best" and giving her a hug goodbye, or even a note or whatever, it will take her back a bit.

Trust everyone here who says to not push her. Because the only place you'll be pushing her is away. If she doesn't want to see you, send the final email, and don't make it sappy. Don't even thank her for being your girlfriend, but thank her for being a good friend. She would much rather think about someone strong and mature than a boy who runs after her love as if the world ends without it. It's not time to give into your emotions - you have to be smart and to do this right if there is any hope left.

I actually don't think you've done something so awful. I for one do not think a LDR will work in the long run. You did the right thing by wanting to move with her. Now you have to accept the fact that she does not want you to go. And I think BREAKING UP was the right thing to do.

I do think it is odd that if she wanted to sustain this relationship, she would not have been excited and happy to have you go with her. It does not make sense that she does not want you to go. Trying to figure out other people's oddities will simply drive YOU CRAZY.

But now the thing you have to realize is that her explanation to you, as ridiculous as it may sound, is all she will offer. LEAVE IT AT THAT. I know it hurts, I know it sucks, but dwelling on her actions and irrationalities is causing you great stress and depression.

NOT WORTH IT!! You have to let it go. And you know that constantly harassing her for more of an explanation is actually having the OPPOSITE EFFECT. She won't even talk to you. BACK OFF.

Don't talk to her for awhile. Remember, YOU BROKE UP. It is over for now. Now, STAND BY YOUR ACTIONS. The sadness will pass with time. But if you continue in this cycle, you'll go in a horrible downward spiral. Good luck.

--Cali

Thanks everyone. It helps a lot. I gave her a call and told her to just listen, I wasn't sappy I told her how I felt and that I allowed my emotions to blind me and I wasn't thinking straight. It was a pretty long and deep talk and we seem to be on good terms. She told me she needed some time to adjust to us being friends and even more time if we planned on getting back together then she was like I don't know if I will every be ready etc.. But at least we are talking and I assured her if we could at least be friends then what fine and I'd never want to lose her in that sense. Hopefully she still wants to be with me but I'm not going to run my life by it.

Okay perfect! GOOD JOB! But don't tell her anymore that you never want to lose her or that you will be there forever. Because that will never make her want to marry you to reassure herself that you're not going anywhere. Saying it once is enough.

Just be a little indifferent. Like I said, never be rude, sappy, too emotional, too anything. Just be cool and a good/normal friend, but let her come to you. Also, don't pick up the phone every time she calls. Don't let her feel you are like her brother or dad that will be there no matter what she does to you or no matter if she goes off with some other guy. You're not her "brother". You want to be the love of her life again.

I'm very proud of you so far for being very mature and letting her go. In the mean time, fix everything that's sh*tty about you. This will make her mind blow next time she sees you; a healthier, smarter, more mature, and even wealthier man. You need to work on you while you guys are separate. This will test how serious you are, and if you're ever ready to give the best of yourself to someone.

Something I'd want to know is why all the sudden she doesn't want to get "married" to you or w/e. I don't know what it is and nobody does. If you can... let her go for awhile and when she moves maybe you should show up at her doorstep someday lol. But like sadsoul said. Your more healthy smarter mature self , etc. From what I've learned is it can always be another guy. I'm not saying it is but I'd strongly take that into thought because it happened to me in a similar situation as yours. Take it easy.

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Originally Posted by SoConfused8

Thanks everyone. It helps a lot. I gave her a call and told her to just listen, i wasn't sappy i told her how i felt and that i allowed my emotions to blind me and i wasn't thinking straight. It was a pretty long and deep talk and we seem to be on good terms. She told me she needed some time to adjust to us being friends and even more time if we planned on getting back together then she was like idk if i will every be ready etc.. But atleast we are talking and i assured her if we could atleast be friends then what fine and i'd never want to lose her in that sense. Hopefully she still wants to be with me but i'm not going to run my life by it.

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Good, you set the ground rules. Got your mind cleared. And then silence.
Now some power back in your hands... Hope that helped.

Now don't waver or you'll go crazy. Hold the line and let her be for now.
And see what else life has for you.
Time will put a lot into perpective.

NC u later.

Peace

Yea so we are talking now. We spoke yesterday evening just briefly but didn't talk about the situation much just talked normal, how are you blah blah. And it was nice. I wrote her a letter and put it on her windsheild. I wasn't sappy or emotional I just told her she was a great friend and so on. She liked it and but didn't say much, she is very slowly talking to me more. I can only hope for the best I guess :(

Hah that's what my girlfriend said. She basically broke up with you. When she said she just wanted to be friends, she ended to be cheating on me. Be careful and ALWAYS expect the unexpected. Be cool about this and try not to mess up because maybe you'll get her back.

She is going to downgrade you if you chase right now.
Let her initiate. Back up. Don't manipulate.
She needs to feel like Iowa is Ok...

And it is OK, but it took losing her to realize. I fear it is to late but I told her today I would try my best not to call her or text her and wait till she makes a move and if she never makes one then I know she isn't worth the trouble. I gave all the effort I could but I feel like its her turn to make a move. I asked her if she was trying to move on and that's why she hasn't been talking and she said "No, i'm not trying to move on and you know that."... whatever that means just doing my best to occupy my time until she makes a move. The more I wait the better its getting though. I'm pretty calm too, hopefully she gives me some closure even if its just to tell me to " off".. I feel like I deserve that much at least

Distract yourself.

She is not going to Mars... But close (Iowa)

Go to the movies, go out for beer and pizza. Let her dream of corn and....corn...Yikes.

It'll all make more sense if you back up. This is NORMAL. This is what people your age do. That's the good news. The bad news is you are hurting and confused. Tough it out with friends. This is easy compared to what some people have gone through on here: cheating spouses... divorce, single-parents, violence, unplanned pregnancy, impotence, wife running off with a Russian midget (ok, I made that last one up)... All in all you are doing OK! :-)

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some closure even if its just to tell me to " off".. I feel like I deserve that much at least

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You need nothing! Man up and move on! Waiting for something that ain't going to happen is so unhealthy!

We talked a bit tonight, it got little heated but it was needed. She doesn't want me to bring up me and her at all, she promised me that she would come talk to me when she was ready and it would be before she leaves. I trust her. So I'm just going to start going back to the gym more often. And hang out with my friends that I have neglected over the past 11 months just like she's doing. I feel better now then I have which is good. Thanks for the help everyone, I'm not through it yet but this has most definitely helped.

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Originally Posted by SoConfused8

We talked a bit tonight, it got little heated but it was needed. She doesnt want me to bring up me and her at all, she promised me that she would come talk to me when she was ready and it would be before she leaves. I trust her. So I'm just going to start going back to the gym more often. And hang out with my friends that i have neglected over the past 11 months just like shes doing. I feel better now then i have which is good. Thanks for the help everyone, i'm not through it yet but this has most definitely helped.

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Just a warning, because you said you "trust her" after you said that she "promised she would come talk to me when she was ready and it would be before she leaves".
Well... incase she doesn't, please do not lose control and get angry or sad. The people that break up with us are not the same people that were going out with us. Things are different when you've "broken up" and you may not get the same treatment as you did when you were boyfriend and girlfriend. This is because the person who broke up with you is feeling a little bit "less". BUT don't get mad at her because it's not like she's "choosing" to feel less for you.

No matter what happens, you have to act cool. Let's say she doesn't call before she leaves or she doesn't even bring up the relationship when she meets up with you --- your job here is to say NOTHING! If this happens, do not say a word about the relationship at all. I promise you that this will confuse her and when she gets back she will wonder and wonder and wonder why the hell it never came up. Whatever happens, you have to remain cool at all times. This is something you want to do right, right? Don't lose sight of your goal - you want her to see what she's missing; the coolest guy she will ever meet... the guy who will still remain "something" when she leaves. You don't want her to see a weak man who is only a man if princess is in his life.

Good luck and keep going to the gym, hanging out with friends, saving money, and whatever else will only better you in this life.