I'm a 19 year old straight male. 4 years ago I had a same-sex experience. I felt bad for doing it but never really dwelled on it. I realized I had made a mistake and never went back to doing that again. I remain friends with the guy to this day. We never brought it back up. We continued to live our lives as we had always lived them. But recently, it's like I've developed this sick habit of associating that experience with awesome memories, particularly with my girlfriend. It just randomly pops in my head at the most unwelcomed moments. It wasn't too much of a problem until about 3 weeks ago, I was out running, and the memory just popped in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I started freaking out, and tried calming myself down, hoping it would eventually let off. To this day, the thought continues. Even when I try to suppress it, it's just always there. I've read a lot of posts on here that have helped me out but nothing this specific. I don't know what's wrong. I don't expect to completely forget the memory, but it would be nice to go an hour or so without it popping in my head. I still consider myself a really happy person. I have never done anything else that has bothered me so much. I see the beauty in so many things, but lately this recurring thought has not allowed me to enjoy life's moments to the fullest. Please don't tell me I need to tell my girlfriend because that's not going to happen. She wouldn't understand... she would dwell on it more than I would and it would do more hurt than good.

So... what's wrong with me? Any tips on letting go of this? I think I've already forgiven myself... maybe I haven't. I can't stop dwelling on it. I've never told anyone that happened. It has NEVER bothered me until recently.:confused: :confused:

I suggest you tell someone--not anyone you know, but someone professional who would respect your confidence, a counselor or therapist or psychologist. You don't want to get into the whys and wherefores of what had happened; you just want to talk it out and share the incident and your feelings about it with a safe person. If you were my client, I would suggest 2-5 sessions to make sure you have broken this cycle of remembering and a little bit of obsessing.

You will find that talking about it to an unbiased person will free you from it.

Umm, I don't know too many straight men who have delved into same-sex partners. There may be the chance that you are bi/gay. If you were not concerned with it at the time, then I don't know what could be bothering you now. That is, unless you are attracted to men, and want to do it again.

I agree with Wondergirl, try talking to a professional, it may help.

Do you feel you are attracted to men, or are you saying you feel guilty and depressed when you think about it?

No... not attracted to men in the least. And never have been. I've read plenty of cases where straight people, especially in their early teen years, have had a same-sex experience. Hormones are raging, and you'll do just about anything to get release. I never even felt bad about it, just because I realized it was silly. But now just all of a sudden, the incident just keeps recurring. No interest whatsoever in revisiting that experience.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You will find that talking about it to an unbiased person will free you from it.

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This is so very true.
Take wondergirls advice and get this off your chest.
It will feel as though a weight was lifted off your sholders...

Ahh... I mean, that's good advice, but my mom would think I'm crazy if I was like...

"mom, will you take me to a psychiatrist?"

I mean, if the thoughts persist, I guess I have no other choice. I just need someone to knock some sense into me and tell me that I'm being really irrational. I have a really complex way of thinking, which is great most of the time, but then again it gets you in situations like this. I've created this, I feel like it's my duty to fix it... I just need to know where to start..

Is there a counselor at school, or through your school system? Start there.

You need to know where to start? I told you where to start. You probably can't fix this on your own.

Well I'm in my 2nd year of college. No school counselor there. I've never been one to talk to my parents about "personal" problems... and definitely don't have the courage to ask them to take me to a professional.

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Originally Posted by _abcd

Well I'm in my 2nd year of college. No school counselor there. I've never been one to talk to my parents about "personal" problems...and definitely don't have the courage to ask them to take me to a professional.

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Most universities have counselors available.

So I'm guessing you're still pretty young if your mother would be the one taking you to the psychiatrist... you do have a point there...

Well getting it off your chest and talking about it is really the best medicine... you've sort of done that by coming here - right?

How do you feel now that you've actually told people that you've had this experience?

Your old enough... Why don't you seek a professional yourself?

Every college I've attended or had something to do with had counselors.

Many counselors have a sliding scale. You should be able to afford a private one if you won't go to a campus counselor. Are you near a town or city?

You said "if you were my client"...

Are you a professional?

I don't feel as though I need a speech but maybe just some pointers.

So many people love me and I really have no reason to be upset about this. I think it's an internal thing, a struggle within myself. I don't feel as thought I'm disappointing anyone. At one point, I felt really convicted to tell my girlfriend, but I never got the courage. She wouldn't understand the situation, and like I said, it would do more hurt than good.

I know what I need to do... I need to realize that I'm not who I was then, and that she doesn't need to know about that incident to understand who I really am...

I keep telling myself these things... AND I JUST WON'T SEEM TO LISTEN... haha. Geez.

Seriously though, I don't think I need a professional. Maybe I just need some reassurance that I what I did wasn't wrong and people make mistakes and I just need to learn from it... I just need to hear someone say that. I'm so ashamed that it happened, but I know there's nothing I can do to take it back.

I have a master's in counseling psych, did two long internships (one with Catholic Charities), and have had my own practice since I graduated. I take clients only by referral, by appointment, since I work at a public library (where I also use my counseling degree working with court-ordered community service workers).

The fact that whatever you've been doing isn't working should tell you something.

I don't question your credibility..
I just need reassurance from someone else other than myself..

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Originally Posted by _abcd

Maybe I just need some reassurance that I what I did wasn't wrong and people make mistakes and I just need to learn from it...I just need to hear someone say that.

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Let's check the list:

That person won't be --
1. your girlfriend
2. your mother
3. your father
4. any siblings
5. any relatives
6. the friend you had the experience with
7. other friends

Ok, who's left?

The people on this forum...
That's why I came..

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Originally Posted by _abcd

are you a professional?

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You asked. I told you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by _abcd

The people on this forum...
That's why I came..

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So everything is OK now. Right?