Ask Me Help Desk - Husband won't work

Husband won't work

I am struggling... I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We separated for about 14 months and have had an up and down relationship since we got back togther. He refuses to go and get a full time job. It was okay for awhile because I was working and making good money. Now I have been laid off and we are making it on my unemployment and the money we get from renting a room out. I am frustrated that in one breath he says he would do anything for me but in another he will not go and get a job. He has not worked full time since 2004. It is really worrying me. During that time frame we were separated. He lived with his parents and did not work there either. I had gotten him a job for abour two months then I was laid off so they let him go too. I am at a loss and feel taken for granted. Please help me to understand if this will be the man that he is from here on out. I feel so drained emotionally and phsyically. I am so tired... I will only be 39 and feel like my life has been sucked out of me. I feel like if he doesn't get what he wants from me financially he just goes to his mom. We owe her more money then I will ever be able to pay back. I have asked her to stop giving him money and that doesn't work.
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Give him an ultimatum. Let him know that you are sick and tired of having to carry all the weight financially, while he refuses to work. I would tell him get a job or get out.

I would be curious as to why he suddenly stopped working over 2 1/2 years ago?

Is there a health problem; physical or emotional? Do you have children at home?

For me, I just can't understand why he would just stop. I believe that most men actually enjoy working, it in some ways defines them.

What kind of man was he before this?

I'm not a big fan of marriage or relationships but I'll give this a shot. Maybe there is something wrong with him mentally. I agree with Stringer, it is weird that he stopped working just like that. First off, it's obvious your marriage needs some fine tuning, considering the long separation. It's nice to hear you are back together, but I think it will take some work to make it last. Back to what I said about something being wrong with him mentally. I speak from experience when I say it's possible that he doesn't have that enthusiasm and esteem that maybe he once had. I struggle everyday with this. I don't think highly of myself. Maybe have a serious talk with him. Let him know you love him. Maybe all he needs is a little kick in the pants, but do it with love. If push comes to shove, talk to a professional. There's an answer for everything, you just have to find it.

I tried for quite some time after his dad had died to get through to him but we had become toxic for each other. Then we separated. He stopped working when he moved out and has not held a job since. We have been back together for two years now and he has not worked but two months of that time... I have given ultimatums... I just end up changing the date. I have a daughter at home and she will be done with high school this year. She has lost all hope that her father will ever work again. I don't know if I can handle it. I have tried to find him hobbies and encourage him to work. I have done it in many ways... some not so good. I just feel like a doormat some days.

He may be depressed I don't know, and only a trained clinician can help, so start there. If that doesn't throw a light on things, then he got to go. Sorry.

I know that he was battling with depression but it has been a long time since that all started. It has just become easy for him not to work. I finally told him that on the 29th I will be having my 39th birthday. By the time I turn forty I will be doing one of two things celebrating my birthday or celebrating/mourning my marriage. I will be filing divorce because that gives it one year and by then I should know. That is giving him six months more to figure things out. I will file within six months if I see no movement on his part. I have invested 20 years of my life but to be honest I am just miserable and becoming depressed myself. I do not like my life and I am responsible to change it. I think in my heart I had hoped for the quick fix.

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Originally Posted by heartkiss

I know that he was battling with depression but it has been a long time since that all started. It has just become easy for him not to work. I finally told him that on the 29th I will be having my 39th birthday. By the time I turn forty I will be doing one of two things celebrating my birthday or celebrating/mourning my marriage. I will be filing divorce because that gives it one year and by then I should know. That is giving him six months more to figure things out. I will file within six months if I see no movement on his part. I have invested 20 years of my life but to be honest I am just miserable and becoming depressed myself. I do not like my life and I am responsible to change it. I think in my heart I had hoped for the quick fix.

I'd say you have a plan... if you are at that point and it looks like nothing will change...

Then I would say you probably should get on with your life.

Stringer

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I know that he was battling with depression but it has been a long time since that all started.

If you have known this, have you been pushing to get him to a doctor??

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It has just become easy for him not to work.

Until he sees a doctor, this is not a fair statement. He needs help and now.