Ok, I'll start by saying that this is the first time that this has happened to me. I'm usually OK with the ladies, and I've always had a cocky funny streak (one girl called it quirky and coy). This time is different, though...

I met a girl a few months ago, and she's incredibly hot. It took me about a month of teasing before I finally got her to go out with me, using all of the techniques that you would think would work. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month now and I can feel it slipping it away. THings were great. We were hanging out, having sex and just sort of moving along. BUT, I started acting like a WUSSY! She set the trap, and I took the bait. She was encouraging me to act like a wussy, telling me she wanted to hang out all the time, letting me know what she was up to, calling or emailing every day and I started to the same... Big surprise, that's when everything changed!

That's when I started searching around to see exactly what was going on. I get it now and want to do something about it! Hopefully it's not too late. That's where you come in Wildcat!

We were supposed to get together last weekend. At the last minute that changed (her choice). I tried to act like it was no big deal, but ended up acting like a wussy (bascially just trying to see if we could work something out for some other day instead of just letting it go!). I didn't see her either Friday, but got the drunken phone call from her on Friday night. Like a dumbass I thought she was coming around and wanted to see me. I tried to be cocky and asked her if this was the booty call and she just laughed and said that she was only calling to chat. I really thought she wanted to hang out so I asked her if she was sure. That's when I could feel her getting more distant as she told me she really did just want to chat. Now I see that it was just another test that I failed. If she calls on Friday night, late, while drunk, will I answer?? I guess she got her answer.

Anyway, that's when I did some serious searching and found out that I was doing this ALL WRONG. I was afraid that I had totally blown it but now I'm unsure. I mean, she did call me while she was drunk and out at the bars with her friends. That's got to count for something... But, I know that if I keep screwing up then it will all be over.

Well, I didn't make any effort to contact her Saturday or Sunday and probably won't tomorrow either. In the past I've always had better luck with her when I wrote her off and tell myself that it's not going to work out (bit this was in in the initial one month teasing period). Big surprise she always ended up calling me a few days later.

Ok, I'll just get to the specific questions now...

1) If I do what I did before and just stop making any effort this time, will it work as it did before? I worry that before it worked because we hadn't gone out and the mystery was still there. Now we've gone out and I've shown that I can act like a WUSSY! Anyway, I'm hoping I can turn the attraction back on by distancing myself now.

2) Is this the absolute best approach? I've already decided not to answer the next time she calls, and if I bump into her to just keep it light (and end the conversation before she does). If I don't hear from her, when do I contact her? Not at all?

3) Since we've been going out for a month, if we go a week or two without talking (if neither of us makes the effort), can you really go back to dating like before? I mean, it will never be like before because I've sworn off act like such a WUSS (and I've even got one of my buddies who has agreed to slap me!! ). No more seeing her 4 times a week (cut back to 1 or 2 max), stop acting like there's a rush to progress this, NEVER EVER tell her that I like her, back to cocky and funny, etc.

Anyway, some specific advice sure would help!

There is a lot going on here but first I need to ask you some questions:

1. Why do you even want to be involved with a woman that calls you when she's drunk @ a club anyway. Besides sex what else is there? I guess I answered my own question huh?)

2. Are you trying to be in a committed relationship with her? If I knew what your motives were I could better explain what could be going on.


We women sometimes play games. Ashamed to say, Ive done it myself. Sometimes we date men that we have no intentions on being with because we honestly can't stand the thought of being alone or we are waiting on something better to come along. Regardless of what anyone says, you acting like a wuss has not a damn thing to do with rather or not she is going to call you back.

This may sting a bit but I as a woman am going to give it to you in the raw. It sounds like to me that the reason she may have called you is because the person she really wanted that night wasn't available for some reason. That's just a woman proving that she can get a man. To ease the pain of rejection so to speak.

I don't believe in giving or getting chased. If I like you, I will date you, wuss or not. You are not screwing this up, believe me. It sounds like to me that she is just not that into you. Don't waste another second chasing her. Find someone that wants you every night.

Ok, I'll do my best to answer.

1) It's not like the only time she calls is from a club. Like I said, it used to be better but seems to be cooling off.

2) I'm not sure what I want from her yet, but I do know that I like her more than many I've dated recently. Is there something there? I'm not sure yet, but normally at this point I know if there is nothing there. That's not the case this time. I know it probably sounds like I'm WAY into her from my initial post, but I'm still just trying to wait in see. She set the trap, I took the bait. It was stupid.

I already know that she plays games. She told me so. She said she wanted to keep seeing because I amused her. I made her laugh, she liked hanging out with me and that she liked the 'challenge'. Her word, not mine. I know that she likes the chase, and I kind of do too. I just think I blew it by acting like a pushover. I mean, I know she was WAY into me once, but I changed my behavior. I'm trying to make sure I don't do that again...

As for why she called me, maybe you're right. I don't know if she's seeing anyone else, but if she is, that doesn't sting too much. Like I said, it's early and I'm still trying to figure out if it's going anywhere. I guess I'd just like the chance to keep trying to figure it out, rather than have her walking away... Oh, and if she wanted to prove that she could get a man, all she'd have to do is ask any guy at the club. She's so hot that she'd get him. SHe wouldn't have to call me.

I don't know if I've clarified anything, but thanks for the response.

We tend to keep n touch with guys that are amusing, this is true. I don't think that you blew it by acting like a push over. I think that is more of a man's perspective.

I would suggest that you don't get into her anymore than she get's into you.

I am an extremely hot number myself, take it from me having every guy in the bar oggling and drooling all over you every night gets old. So proving that she could get any guy on the club is boring to her by now, been there, done that one. It's getting the one she really want's, to chase her is where the thrill is at.

I agree with you, play it cool, stand back and watch her because if she is at all into you, take my word for it, she is definitely watching you. If this does end up going a little further, don't be ashamed to let her know that you dig her, keep your guards up and happy hunting!!

I guess I think me acting like a pushover just sent the wrong message. I acted WAY IN to her, even though I think it was more equal. I was just sort of responding to what she was giving to me. She wanted to talk a lot, so I did. No, I didn't really mind it but I don't know if it would have happened had she not initiated that. But, it probably seemed as though I was pushing for something serious, when I still wasn't quite sure. I also that it wasn't a good idea because she once told me that her last relationship ended badly and that, when she gets uncomfortable with things moving too quickly, she bolts. I think that's what happened here.

It wasn't too hard to pull myself back too (once I finally figured out that I needed to). I'm hopeful that I won't come off as too into her in the future, and I'd like the chance to try. I'll never know if she's gone for good.

I sort of figured she was watching me and that's why I got the phone call Friday. Like I said, I know she used to be really into me. Maybe there's still something there. I guess I'll try and walk the fine line of not being too interested but also not wanting it to look like I'm just blowing her off. I know that eventually I'll probably have to make some effort (she told me that she doesn't think she should have to, as the woman) but I don't want it to be anytime soon and look like I'm being too needy...

I think you acting like you were way into her didn't really set off any alarms. If she is as hot as you say she is, she is used to guys being into her.

My fiancé and I started exactly like this, he chased me, I played hard, he ignored me, I chased him on and on and on. We ended up being close friends before anything real even manifested.

Take it slow, see where she is and ride the vibe. If you feel as of pulling back is the right thing to do. Then play it safe.

Yep! SHe is used to every other guy acting WAY IN to her because she's so hot. The problem is, the second I started doing it I became just like all those other dickweeds out there trying to hook up with her. No longer funny, amusing and original! That's why I think I set off her alarms. Hopefully our hot and cold cycle will go through the hot phase one more time so I can not make this mistake again!

Hi,
She is flirting with you, as she does with probably every man she knows!
Leave her alone; save yourself some "bigtime" problems.
Since she only calls when she is drunk means just one thing; she doesn't want to mess around with you, unless she is out of her mind!
Don't be "out of your mind" also; leave her alone.
Don't talk with her, don't call her.
Hang up the phone.
If she is really serious (which I doubt) about you, she will contact you when she isn't drunk, and carry on a decent conversation.
Best of luck,
fredg

Ok, I'm not sure if I've sent the right message here. She doesn't only contact me when she's drunk, although she certainly did last week. In fact, she stopped by my work to see me today (we work for the same company but in different buildings) and I'm pretty sure she was sober...

Hey Swriter,

I think you're getting a good handle on this from 'letmeno' - she KNOWS what's going here from the woman's side.

1. You definitely need to pull back. As I think you are realizing, it's not a good idea to come on strong the first couple months. Too much contact kills everything. Quit calling her for a while - make her call you - and don't ALWAYS return her calls right away.

2. The first couple months it's OK for both of you to see other people - I HIGHLY encourage it - it keeps you less needy and 'wanting' of this woman. It keeps you head on straight.

3. The first couple months you CAN'T EVER show how into you are with these types of woman - they will PLAY you as 'letmeno' told you. Don't ever tell her how you feel.

4. Too much contact is BAD for business - the couple months you really should only contact her two times a week. Keep the conversations short. See her only once really or twice at the most per week early on. This called AVOIDING being too available. You're a busy guy - with other woman options - at least you want her to think this way.

5. You have to watch out for her test questions - Give a snappy answer - or answer her question with a question. Make fun of her question. And rarely give an honest answer - there is no reaso not early on. Once you are a couple you can answer those questions somewtimes.

6. I think you may have put too much importance in this woman. You can't do this. You may have put her a head of yourself in importance and that can be bad for business. ANY woman needs to EARN the right to be with you - earn the right to be an equal.

7. I have a feeling you might have stopped the teasing and ball busting - being too 'nice' to her? This can KILL her attraction. See we switch and try to CONVINCE them to like us - that's NOT how attraction works.

8. I think you gave a way some of yor power to HER because of her looks - you don't want to lose her. You freak out and start acting like a Wuss - QUIT that.

Wildcat-

Yeah, this is more or less what happened. I was definitely acting too into it, saw her too often and she sensed it. I failed the tests and put too much importance on her. And I definitely stopped busting her balls. That was the worst part.

But, I think I'm doing OK at getting a handle on this. I played it cool all weekend and didn't even make any effort today. Since then she's stopped by my work twice to see me. I kept it light, no serious discussions about the weekend,tried to be moderately cheerful. Just told her I was busy and tried to focus more on what's happening today. I did attempt to tease her playfully a few times and that went OK (but not great). She made a point to tell me that she was just out of sorts last week, and had a really rough time. I just brushed it off, though. Best of all, I kept both conversations under my control. I ended them both telling her I was just about to run off and see someone about work stuff so I had to go. I could tell from the look on her face that she didn't expect that. I guess she thought I'd lap up the attention after not seeing her this weekend. Guess again...

So, I think it's going OK. I know that I need to pull back and I'm doing that. I feel like I can do it, just because I'm not as into this as I was before. This was a pretty good warning for me. So, now I guess I'll just wait and see. Either this is going to bring her back in (and then I'll try to handle it better) or it's already done and she just wants to stop by and be friends (which I'm simply not interested in). It's not ideal, but it's better than it was yesterday.

Happens ALL the time Dude,

See we put too much importance into a woman WE LIKE. The ones we don't care for chase us badly - we treat the indifferently and they want us.


Some old quotes:

"That which is chased - RUNS!!!!"

"People WANT what they can't have" - you gave yourself to her and she was bummed out I'm sure - woman WANT A CHALLENGE!! Always - regardless of the crap they will tell you - it's ALL tests!

"Treat the ones you like, like the ones you don't like - treat the ones you don't like, like the ones you like"

YES! You always end conversations FIRST - ALWAYS!! Phone and at work - it helps with the attraction.

Just give this time - you sound like you're still in the ball game. Take it SLOW!! You have time on your side - YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER.

No friends zone - OR, I know you won't believe this - say that first!! You become 10 times a challenge then. Be indifferent towards her. You have TO BE DIFFERENT THAN OTHER GUYS. Don't be nice - but don't be mean.

Keep teasing her - to no end for now. Kingpin here was IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU - NOW HIS GAL CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM. He did a 180 degree on her because HE STOPPED being a Wuss.

Wildcat, you've got this pegged.

I became a wuss and I really do think she was bummed out. When we first started going out she told me that most guys just don't get her, that they couldn't walk the fine line between giving her a little bit but not coming on too strong (or being TOO cocky and arrogant). She told me this and I didn't listen!

She knows I don't want to be friends. I told her that all the time when we first started going out. I told her that if this goes sour, don't bother. Of course we can't hang out, why would I spend my time doing that?! No, I won't ignore her but we're not going to be bud's. She told me that was strange because she's friends with most of her ex-'s. Duh! Not me.

I'm glad to hear that you think time is on my side. I want to agree but sometimes I would wonder if it was just too late already. I guess if I'm still talking to her then I am still in the game. Now at least I know what to do! I guess we'll see how the next few days go. I'll just stick to the plan and hope that she cracks first.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Happens ALL the time Dude,

See we put too much importance into a woman WE LIKE. The ones we don't care for chase us badly - we treat the indifferently and they want us.


Some old quotes:

"That which is chased - RUNS!!!!"

"People WANT what they can't have" - you gave yourself to her and she was bummed out I'm sure - woman WANT A CHALLENGE!!!! always - regardless of the crap they will tell you - it's ALL tests!

"Treat the ones you like, like the ones you don't like - treat the ones you don't like, like the ones you like"

YES! You always end conversations FIRST - ALWAYS!!!! Phone and at work - it helps with the attraction.

Just give this time - you sound like you're still in the ball game. Take it SLOW!!!! You have time on your side - YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER.

No friends zone - OR, I know you wont believe this - say that first!!!! You become 10 times a challenge then. Be indifferent towards her. You have TO BE DIFFERENT THAN OTHER GUYS. Don't be nice - but don't be mean.

Keep teasing her - to no end for now. Kingpin here was IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU - NOW HIS GAL CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM. He did a 180 degree on her because HE STOPPED being a Wuss.

---

Yes this stuff works. Not only saw all the tests but knew what to do. Never appear needy. Do your own thing and do not make any woman your life.

I don't know if the women you all deal with don't know about the hugh self esteem sale going on now at wal mart or not, but they need to get there ASAP!!
First of all, as I said before, I don't like to toot my own horn but, I would have absolutely no problem getting any guy that I wanted. If I pursued a guy, he had ONE time and I do mean ONE time to blow me off and I would simply move the hell on.
If you are dating a women, it is not a wise thing to do to pour yourself all over her and put her on a pedestal for the simple fact, she may not be worthy. Save that for the woman that is going to be there for the long haul.
I wish that I could tell you what goes on in the mind of a woman but we could be here all night. Sometimes we really don't know what it is that we really want until we got it.

Oh one more thing, the guys that I can't have are all gay.

Letmeno - sorry hun - I highly doubt that. No way. You women SAY what you prefer - but it's what you feel is all that matters. Guys doing this stuff creatye massive attraction in a woman - it's what you guys crave - AND it's not games - it a guy being a real man. You couldn't get enough of him.

If you are really attracted to the guy your with he probably is a lot of fun, he teases you a lot, knows your tests, bust on you. No pressure from him.

(but from one of your previous posts - I don't think he is - he sounds like a bore to you considering what you are CRAVING!)

It's ALL your feelings - I don't think your current guy provides you those feelings you crave or you wouldn't cheat or think about cheating.

Let me know about his - I know a lot of what goes on in a woman's mind now - you guys jump from thought you thought - multi task in your brain. You guys rely WAY too much on feelings. You guys generally think the opposite of what a guy thinks.

Guys are based almost solely on logic. What we think a woman wants is totally the opposite - woman are in the bizzaro world compared to guys.

My gal LOVES tulips - If I could I would buy them EVERY day!! I would buy her fields of Tulips... BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO she would hate all that. I have to use it sparringly.

See with a guy - I love scotch, cigars, beer etc. - she could buy me that every day and I WOULD LOVE IT!!

Swriter - "She told me this and I didn't listen" - I know - happened to me last January AND I KNOW better. I almost lost the gal - you CAN and will get her back if you want her.

You have to play it cool - like she doesn't matter - Don't share your feelings for like TWO years.

You got to learn to tease - KEEP IT UP. I bet you thought it didn't go well BECAUSE YOU HAVE CONFUSED THE HELL OUT OF HER - she wants to know where Mr. Wuss boy is - WELL you need to show her Wuss Boy has left the building AND he is NEVER coming back. You tease her until she's 70.

Now, when you get seriosu maybe 6 months from now - then you can start answering some of her questions (some). For now it's indifference boy.

o.k. o.k. o.k. A lot of what you say is absolutely true, we do ride an emotional roller coaster. But I sware to you, we usually don't know what it is that we want until it is looking us in the face. I don't know how many times that I have bought a pair of shoes only to wear them once and return them. I do agree with you, men are more cut and dry than we are and have the emotions of a rock, that is where we come in. swriter, I don't mean to take the focus off your delima but I feel as if you need to create a balance with this female. I will admit, a pushy, needy guy gets a big 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. It doesn't matter how hot he is. What I am saying is this, don't over play yourself.
I guess I can't speak for all women all I know about myself is that I can have just about any guy that I wanted, why do I need to chase one?
I must admit, you are absolutely correct on a lot of things, it's the teasing and the game playing that I don't agree with