3 years ago, I had just broken up with a man, I was seeing for 3 years and met someone else while out with a girlfriend. I was an emotional mess:eek: and was still hoping to get back together again. The new man (J) showed immediate interest in me yet I told him what I was in the middle of. He told me he would "take his chances." He pursued me steadily and with much vigor and quite honestly, it was a diversion relieving me of the heaviness I was going through emotionally. There were so many times I would be lost in memories about me and the other man (D) and J would ask me if I was still IN love with him (D). I was always honest and said,"yes." So, even though he (J) knew my mind wasn't clear, he still pursued the relationship with me anyhow. As time went on, I began drinking very heavily to numb myself from the pain. The major part of the breakup with D was my fear of marrying as it would have been my third time around. J became very concerned about my drinking and did everything he could to help me. The more I drank, the more belligerent I became. I started taking all my hurt out on J. For the next 2 years, I would break up, then make up because I was so confused, hurt and the drinking got worse. I kept pushing J away. I didn't feel worthy of this man's love and concern. The more he was nice to me the more fearful I became and created more drama then you want to know about. Finally, he had enough and started dating other women. We were apart for 6 months. I thought I was glad about it yet deep down I truly did love this man yet I was in no shape to give or receive it. J called me at work after the separation and told me he missed me so much and wanted us to meet. I was so happy about this because I had been praying he would come back someday so I could start fresh with him. I wasn't so obsessed with losing the relationship with D any more. Things were good in the beginning and I got into counseling for the drinking. As I started working on my personal issues, fear started hounding me about J. We would break up again and again. This last time, he asked me to marry him in July (this year). I was estatic because, like I said, deep down I really love this man. Well, you guessed it... fear of getting married started taking over and I became suspicious, jealous and solicitous. My perceptions of things became burdensome to him and I became even more anxious. I gave him back the engagement ring not once but TWICE. As it stands now, he has HAD it (no brainer here), says he does not want the relationship anymore and he's moving on. Do I blame him? Of course not... this is all my doing and I am now in such a state of depression, I cry uncontollably every day. I am obsessing and my imagination fills my thoughts with him being with someone else and everything else which comes with a break up. Yes, I am still in counseling and going to meetings yet I can't be there 24/7. I look like hell, don't eat or sleep and can't seem to concentrate on anything.(even this letter feels like it's taking me forever) I KEEP doing this to myself and keep leaving behind me trails of broken relationships. This man (J) has meant more to me than any other in a long time and now... i've destroyed it. I want another chance with him yet perhaps it really is the last straw and I now need help to ACCEPT it! Why would any man want someone like me when they get treated the way they do by my actions of which I have no contol over while they are happening.:confused: It's as if I'm programmed for failure. Please help me figure this out. Thank you so much for your time :(

Hi Trishette, sorry to hear you are in so much pain at the moment. I just wonder first of all if you are still drinking to excess or coping with this sober. I can relate too much of what you say from my own personal history with relationships and alcohol abuse. Would you be so kind as to answer about the drinking so that I and I've no doubt others can help support you through this bad time in your life. All the best Richard.

Your in an emotional storm right now. No fit state for a relationship. Perhaps you should seek professional help?

You should take your life a stage at a time, go slow! Perhaps it would be wize to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Try improving your life a bit at a time, as little as 3% a day. Have you a good career? Do you exercise? (great stress reliever and releases endorphines) and makes you feel great. Do you have a good friendship network? Perhaps its time to renew old friendships and have A LAUGH. Book a holiday or go travelling. Why mope about at home, lifes to short! Make yourself do things and in time life will get better.

And everyone makes mistakes, some people on the end of the mistakes would like the honest 'sorry, I mucked up approach' or others will not want to here from you again. Give it some time in NO CONTACT and see how you feel in at LEAST several or more months. Then try approaching him.

Once you get your head round things maybe you could have an honest adult conversation with your ex.

Hello! Even though you are in counseling for drinking (GOOD FOR YOU), you need professional counseling to get over your fears of relationships. Sounds like you let fear step in every time you get close. I've been down that road, but not as bad as you. It took time, but I got through it with friends/family's help. You can get through this as well. You need to WANT the help before you can accept the help. Talk to friends/family. I feel you really need to talk to a professional counselor. Sounds like since your previous relationship with (D) failed, you have a hard time trusting (J). Remember, J is NOT D and never will be. J has been there for you through everything. Yes, he's had enough. Once you've changed, then call him, if that is what you want. Prove to him you have changed and are back to your sweet, nice self. Good Luck.

Along with the help for drinking, a good counselor will guide you through your own feelings. Be patient with yourself and get healthy. Everything else can wait especially new relationships. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by cornedbeef

Hi Trishette, sorry to hear you are in so much pain at the moment. I just wonder first of all if you are still drinking to excess or coping with this sober. I can relate to much of what you say from my own personal history with relationships and alcohol abuse. Would you be so kind as to answer about the drinking so that I and I've no doubt others can help support you through this bad time in your life. All the best Richard.

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Thank you for your support. I haven't touched alcohol since June 07. This is another reason for so much pain. I can not numb myself if I want to get better. I need to get through this by applying principals in which I believe in. The way I was behaving prior to this break up was NOT working. I now concentrate on what DOES.:)

Hi Trishette, I am so glad to hear you are doing this sober. You will sure feel the pain but it will at least heal a lot more quick than , as you say, numbing it. I can't post much at the moment but will get back soon. Thank you for getting back to me and I'll come back to you soon.
Best wishes Richard.

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Originally Posted by cornedbeef

Hi Trishette, I am so glad to hear you are doing this sober. You will sure feel the pain but it will at least heal alot quicker than , as you say, numbing it. I can't post much at the moment but will get back soon. Thank you for getting back to me and I'll come back to you soon.
Best wishes Richard.

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This is what we humans are in the land of the living for...to help others get to the place of true purpose. Thanks to you for offering yours. T.:)

Trish,

I think you answered a lot of your own questions (from what I read) on posts you left for me. That is, you seemed to have dealt with a lot of the issues you spelled out above.

But I am still wondering how you are doing. I hope you're healthy and happy.

Blessings to you SS. I really wish I knew your name so I didn't have to refer to you as Sad Soul. You really can be happy at any moment you so choose.:)
Yes, I have come a very long way since writing all I did back in September. I no longer attach myself to all the past except to learn from it.
J is back in my life and we are going through some pretty rough stuff sorting things out yet I have chosen to get on with my life. I signed up for dance lessons, got a new job, no longer need anything to numb my feelings. I no longer focus on him or the relationship. I've decided, even if the relationship doesn't work out, I will see him as someone who was put in my path to help me know what I want and don't want in a husband.
We have both made it clear we both love each other very much.
We are taking things slow and do what we have to do every day.
We spent a wonderful day together today and when he left, we know we are still there for each other.
I have voiced my boundries of what I will and will not put up with anymore and trust completely in my honest direct communication of my heart felt feelings.
He knows that he knows... I don't NEED him! Want him... YES!
It is so wonderful living my life for the things I couldn't get while I was with him when things were so messed up.
Freedom is a beautiful thing, my dear friend.
This has been quite a roller coaster ride and the pain of being without him no longer has a hold on me. If he were to leave tomorrow... I KNOW I will be fine and carry on.
Live life to the fullest because you never know when it's going to end.
If J was to say forget us tomorrow, I am in a good place now where I will see him as a helper not a hurter.
We have no control over another person and I no longer have to know what he's going to do or say next. I live each day with the element of surprise.
I love this man with a love which will last forever yet...
I love the LORD and myself MORE.
Thank you so much for your concern.
No worries,
Trisha;)