My husband made a female friend at work and introduced her to me and her husband. We were all friends and hung out together often for about a 1 1\2 year. This woman and I even became close friends talking and visiting with our kids eveyday. His fondness for her always bothered me a bit. She was a good friend to me. Her husband felt that my husband wanted her sexually so we all stopped hanging out,they continued working together. I told her to call me again when her husband settled down. She never did,but she kept a friendship with my husband.This felt like betrayl on both parts. They worked together so I knew they would talk, they work in separate buildings and my husband would go over there to bs with her. We moved 700 miles away with the same company and he still talks to her at work, but he has told me how much he misses her and her friendship. When we went back to visit he wanted to go see her at work I didn't want this,he was angry so I said I would come and it would give me piece of mind he said no. He only wanted to go there to see her not anyone else he worked with. I know nothing would happen I trust him, but his deep feelings for her threaten me. Not to mention she use to be friends with me and doesn't care to continue with me just him, and her husbend hates my husband. Everything that has to do with her has become sneaky and secertive because I am jealous, which I don't think is right. My husband says he will not volunter any info regarding her anymore if I ask he will tell. When we came home we didn't fight,and 1 night we were talking her name came up and he was fine at first then didn't want to talk about her and said the only reason our marriage had been going well is because we hadn't mentioned her name, pretty sad I thought our marriage was more then just about her.Even if I was peachy about her her husband thinks my husband wants her. I don't know if he isn't respecting me or if I am not respecting him , and if he isn't respecting her husband and her not respecting me,etc... it all makes me sick, oh and we have 4 kids and have been married 14 years. Help...

Maybe you should try explaining to your husband once again how you feel, I don't think husband and wife should hide things from each other. Here's what I always do, when someone hurts me and I tell them and they still find it in theis hearts to continue then I just leave the subject right there, I can't risk putting my happiness in other peoples hands. I then surround myself with family that love and respect me, worrying about my problems won't solve anything it will only influence my health, that's why I've learned to let go on a lot of things. PS. This is only what I would have done, doesn't mean you have to do it.

Yeah, sounds like there is more then friendship involved here, to me. The statement "the only reason our marriage had been going well is because we hadn't mentioned her name" sounds like he is only staying married to you out of obligation, and he's really in love with this other woman. I think her husband has a right to feel threatened by your husband, and I think that you should be more worried then you are. You have every right to be worried, every right to be jealous. Don't deny your feelings on the matter, because mostly likely they are right. It is fine for your husband to have a close friend, however, as his wife, YOU should always be his closest friend. It doesn't have anything to do with your lack of respecting him, it has to do with your husband being taken with another woman. And you are allowing yourself to be a door mat, and saying you don't want to be unfair to him, and that you are jealous and its not fair of you to be so. This is your life, and your children's livesm therefore it pays to play an active role in it and find out the depth of that is going on, or you very well may be playing the fool. You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be. I am sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh.I hope I am wrong, really I do, but that's just the opinion I get from reading your posting.

Buggage is right here.
I don't see how you are disrespecting your husband.
From the situation you explained, your husband is the one being disrespectful.
He very well could be the one who keeps pursuing this other woman's friendship.
She stopped being your friend out of respect for her husband,
Perhaps she has also tried to stop being friends with your husband as well (that would make the most sense) and HE's the one not letting it go.
It just seems strange that she would stop being your friend and not your husbands...
I would try to talk to her about this if it continues so that you can get both sides of the story.
Find out what the truth is! You are entitled to that!

Thanks to eveyone, she still is friends with him and hasn't asked him not to be friends. She like my husband think that you should be able to be friends with whoever you want. Nothing sexual has taken place and both say they aren't intrested in that. Just the depth about how he feels for her bothers me . They both keep when they talk from me and her spouse because they say its innocent and not worth fighting about. Since I use to be friends with her I have talked to her about it it just seems neither of them thinks we should be upset or fuss about it. He gets angry every time I talk to her, I really am tempted to call her today. I just found his credit card statement and he bought her lunch from her favorite restaurant for her birthday he never mentioned it to me. I asked and he told me he did because she kept teasing him that he didn't get her anything for her birthday. We live 700 miles away he actually called and placed an order to be delivered for her. Isn't this crossing the line, he said if he did that for a male friend I wouldn't have cared.

Has he ever done that for a male friend?
If he hasn't, it's probably unlikely that he ever would...
Does he ever do that for you?
If he doesn't, you have every right to be jealous and upset - I know I would be.

I think it's sounding like an emotional affair at this point...
Regardless if it is or isn't, their friendship is still disrespectful to you and the woman's husband because you both feel threatened by their friendship.

They are both being dissrespectful...
You don't have "secret friendships" when your married... and when you do, something's up.

I hate to tell you but it sounds to me like they have been carrying on an emotional affair for a long time and at one point, it probably was sexual but you just aren't aware of it. NO man would go to those lengths to order dinner from a favorite restaurant for just a friend, when they have a wife at home, unless his feelings for that woman went beyond the platonic. IT seems you are somewhat in denial about their attachment and the severity of this situation. If you can't put a stop to their secrets and lies from 700 miles away, what does that tell you? I would have probably gone off the deep end if I were you. YOu seem like a strong and secure person but he has gone over some major boundaries. I am SURE her husband doesn't like your husband because of her inability to let him go and because of their obvious closeness. Out of respect for both of your marriages, you would think "just friends" would understand to back off. Their feelings are stronger for each other than you realize and that obviously isn't changing now matter where you live. YOu need to talk to a professional who can give you some serious insight to how dangerous their relationship is. I am sorry they are both so selfish and insensitive to your feelings, and that their relationship is more important than yours. I think the dinner thing, is a BIG SIGN as to where his head and his heart is.

If it was innocent, there would be no need for all the sneaky behavior. If they were just friends, there would be no problem with everyone hanging out, rather then being alone all the time, having fancy dinners, and "teasing" aka FLIRTING. There is no way that a man would order a woman a dinner 700 miles away at her favorite restaurant unless there was a level of great intimacy(or a wish for one) I do not think this is a one sided thing, its definitely both of them. Whether they both have the same intentions, or whether one is deeper then the other, I don't know. I am more inclined to believe that your hubby is head over heels, and she may be along just for the excitement of the ride. Or perhaps they both are equal in the relationship. I don't know. But the fact that she no longer talks to you, but still carries on with your hubby, THAT right there is reason for great suspicion. I imagine its hard to be friends with some one, while sneaking around behind their backs with their significant other. Have you talked to her hubby about this? I think it would be a good idea if you haven't. Perhaps he knows things you don't, or vice versa. Either way, I think it is safe(and sad) to say that your hubby is in love with another woman, and playing you for the fool, and its time for you to get to the bottom of things. You owe it to yourself and especially your children

Thanks again to everyone, yes I spoke to both and they insist they are both just friends, I am going to counseling next week. I to think this is an emotional affair. I know they haven't been intimate but their bond seems even worse then that.I really appreciate the thought that no one seems to thik I am crazy for how I feel. I called her house tonight and got the machine. I guess I am at the point that if I am going down she minus well too. I love my husband and think he loves me too but I guess I have nothing to lose because I am miserable and I am sure that affects my kids too.

Just curious, not questioning you, but how do you know its not physical too?good luck to you hun, I hope things get figured out for you.

From a man's point of view.. .
I have to remind myself sometimes that no one (or in my case no thing) is more important than my wife and kids. I sometimes find myself putting work in front of my family. When I find myself doing this (or when my wife reminds me) I always think "If I had to give everything up in this world except the one thing that is most important, what would it be?". The answer is "my wife". After her, the kids. I think your husband needs to do a little soul searching. It sounds like you care about him very much. He needs to love and respect you as much as you do him. Him not talking about it does not solve the issue. It only hides it. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Thanks bill2007, its nice to hear a mans point because you never know if they truly think the same way you do. I do care for my husband a lot and would put him before anything or anyone , and I know he loves me I just really don't know were his head is.

He may love you, but his head IS Somewhere else. Otherwise there wouldn't be all the lies and deception. Sometimes people do things to those they love out of selfishness. OR maybe he feels he is missing something in his marriage. Maybe he feels that she brings excitement to the relationship, or maybe they just have a strong connection. Either way, I don't know what he did or didn't do with her, but I would be very cautious with this situation. I would hate for you to have such blind faith and trust in someone who has been known to do this before. What makes you think he will stop having contact with her, and how will you know for sure? The only reason you know about the restaurant situation, is because you went digging for it. Something inside of you is restless and doesn't think he is making the right choices, otherwise, why would you have looked in the first place? TRUST your intuition, do not be afraid of it. Don't think that what he says is the way it is, you may get your heart broken that way. He should be bending over backwards to show you he is trustworthy and to prove that YOU are number one in his life. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be? Well, you will put up with it until you are done, and only you will know what that breaking point is. YOu mention that you would put him before anything or anyone, can he say the same about you? If not, I would evaluate the relationship before continuing to put so much of yourself into something that you aren't getting back. My hunch is that this is more than you want to recognize but I don't want you to feel hurt by that. THis is a place to get honest, objective answers so that is what I am trying to do.
I had a friend many years ago going through something similar, she stopped being friends with me when I told her the same thing (in so many words). She thought I was jealous of her and her husband, that is what he told her I must be. Well, years later, she found out everything I said was true. He made her look like a fool, carrying on an affair for years, and everyone knew but her. No they are split up, but he still controls her. He refuses to give her a divorce, but he is living with someone else. I would hate to see you suffer like that. It isn't a pleasant thing to think the one you love is betraying you, but if you don't save yourself and ensure your own happiness, no one will. Good luck to you, and I hope it all works out.

I talked with this women last night,she told me she told him they were done talking because no ones marriage is worth going through this not hers or mine. She had nothing to do with the restaurant incident it was all him she even tried paying for the food but it was all paid for, she didn't get him anything for his birthday just a message. He admitted it was all him when he ordered food for her and said that probably was wrong, and I asked him why and he said he didn't know why he likes doing nice things for people.I said you don't do that for anyone else and he said he didn't like anyone else. I know this isn't true he has lots of friends. He's on a trip and said when he gets home he's leaving and then in the same breath says you know I've wanted to leave before and never have. I know what I want , to keep his love, be a family, and have our marriage grow and grow together.like I have said he hasn't given me any reason to think he has ever cheated on me with her or anyone else. When we go away together or go out we are totallty better together no fighting loving etc. and I ask him why he thinks that is he's says because all the stresses we have seem put away in that moment. I love him and hope we can work this out.

For your sake, I hope you get what you want, although I don't know if he is capable of giving it to you. If he is away on a trip saying he wants to leave when he gets back, I would think he said it because that is what he feels. Not to say he will leave, he said in the past that he wanted that and never left. That isn't because he doesn't want to, he just never got the nerve to leave. I wish that you could step back and hear how it sounds on this end. YOu really want this to work out and you really love him, I get that. I just feel like it is more you pushing and pressing the issue. YOu talked to that woman and she told you it was all him. Well maybe it is, but that would concern me as well. Is he that wrapped up into her that he is sending her things that she doesn't even want? Maybe in time it will make more sense to you. Right now, you are too close to see the whole picture. I would think he should be showing you his love and trust, especially while he is away. IT appears as if he is feeling defensive about his actions and frustrated with you for pointing them out. I am sure he didn't want you talking to her, I don't know if that is part of it. I am not trying to make you feel worse, I just want you to protect yourself and for him to earn the trust and respect that you DESERVE!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by underdog

thanks to everyone, she still is friends with him and hasn't asked him not to be friends. she like my husband think that you should be able to be friends with whoever you want. nothing sexual has taken place and both say they aren't interested in that. just the depth about how he feels for her bothers me . they both keep when they talk from me and her spouse because they say its innocent and not worth fighting about. since i use to be friends with her i have talked to her about it it just seems neither of them thinks we should be upset or fuss about it. he gets angry everytime i talk to her, i really am tempted to call her today. I just found his credit card statement and he bought her lunch from her favorite restaurant for her birthday he never mentioned it to me. i asked and he told me he did because she kept teasing him that he didn't get her anything for her birthday. we live 700 miles away he actually called and placed an order to be delivered for her. Isn't this crossing the line, he said if he did that for a male friend i wouldn't have cared.

---

I think they are both feeding you a load of crap. They know they can tell you this unbelievable mess and you'll believe it. Married people do not act this way. He has not only crossed the line, he has dug a trench. Your husband is cheating on you and does not seem to feel any remorse. In fact, he is trying to make you think you're crazy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by underdogg

I talked with this women last night,she told me she told him they were done talking because no ones marriage is worth going thru this not hers or mine. she had nothing to do with the resturant incident it was all him she even tried paying for the food but it was all paid for, she didn't get him anything for his birthday just a message. he admitted it was all him when he ordered food for her and said that probably was wrong, and I asked him why and he said he didn't know why he likes doing nice things for people.I said you don't do that for anyone else and he said he didn't like anyone else. I know this isnt true he has lots of friends. hes on a trip and said when he gets home hes leaving and then in the same breath says you know ive wanted to leave before and never have. I know what I want , to keep his love, be a family, and have our marriage grow and grow together.like I have said he hasn't given me any reason to think he has ever cheated on me with her or anyone else. when we go away together or go out we are totallty better together no fighting loving ect. and I ask him why he thinks that is hes says because all the stresses we have seem put away in that moment. I love him and hope we can work this out.

---

Well for your sake I hope things work out. I think you're in La La Land. He has told you he going to leave when he gets back.
But I wish you the best.

I do appreciate what everyone is saying it doesn't make me feel worse or better. I really am not living in a la la land, I know what things are there right in front of me. I talked to my husband last night and he said he would be home on sat. and I asked him if he was staying or going and he said what do you think, I'm staying.I know when I tell my side of the story you are only hearing one so it is hard to hear judgement against my husband, because nobody on here has heard his side from him. I do agree with a lot of what everyone is saying you don't treat another women outside of your marriage like he does her or say the things he does about her to me or keep things from me. My husband brought me into this realationship with her right away he thought they clicked as friends and thought we all should hang out her husband too. Couples have friendships with couples eveyday, I could have met her first and started the relationship it didn't happen that way. So he just didn't find this women and keep her from me and not go around her husband. We broke up as couple friends that's were I thought it would be better if none of us talked because my husband made her husband uncomfortable. Both her husband and I knew they still talked at work because they worked together. My husbaand thinks of her as a close friend and said if she was a guy she would be him. We married at 17 and 18 we are 32 and 33 now, I am the first girl he ever had a seriour relationship with. He never went to college or made connection with other women or close friendships. That's why I don't know if he is just trying to relive something he never had. Or thinks it would be nice to be with someone more like myself(because we are total opposites). Because this women's happiness is soooo important to him. She is in financial trouble and he but in a good word for her husband so he could get a job if chose to( and not a job here were we are but back were we use to live). He does do so much for me, and that's why he said he was mad that it was abig deal he bought herlunch, that he pays for everything I do and bought me a new car and house, and he can't even buy his friend lunch without feeling like he did something wrong. I still think it was wrong. Has anyone been married young could this be what it might be him feeling he missed out on something. I am not it denial I am just searching for all likely possibilites

I still think he's still feeding you a line of bull. I think he had intentions of having an affair with this woman and she him if t has not happened already.
At any rate, you two need to go to marriage counseling so that you can get past this, because it will keep coming up unless you sit down and deal with it. He could probably use some counseling himself. It would be a shame to throw the marriage away, so you two need some help to get through this.
I wish you the best.

Thanks homegirl 50, I am going to counseling next week for myself, I asked him to come to marriage counseling too but at this point he has refused. Maybe when he calms down he will want to try it. But I do have to make myself better too and hopefully that will be a starting point after all marriage is about two people and I feel no one person is all to blame when it is falling apart. And if we end up not together at least I know I tried with everything I had and using all the resources I could.