Ask Me Help Desk - How do you know when to leave and when to try

I will start from the end and then give the background - I am devastated. I feel betrayed, yet I still love my husband so much. I know I deserve better, but I also feel we have such a connection - he says it too. I also have thi shope he can treat me as I deserve. How do you know if that connection is just friendship or real love and how do you know when to give up? How many chances should someone have? I am so confused and hurt. - The detail is below.

My husband had an emotional affair 2.5 years ago. They did kiss, but he swears it was nothing more. There were many lies and lots of deceit which continued after I found out. Several times he lied to my face, about talking to her, where he was etc. He said it all started because I was working too much and I was not there for him. This was true, but I fixed it the moment I found out how upset he was and He acknowledges that - yet it did not change his actions. He talked with this woman for about a year, then says it stopped. During the year that followed he questioned if he got married too young (did not date too many people before we married) or if he just was not ready. He also told me he no longer wanted to have kids - something he had (for the most part) wanted before.
Throughout all of this I supported him, tried to be there and tried to work through it. There were times he tried to work through it and he did do and say nice things. I was also very angry due to the affair and probably hard to live with at times. However, I never felt like he showed me he was deeply sorry for the affair and he always wanted to "just move forward".
I finally got fed up with not feeling like he was emotionally committed all the time and asked that we spend Christmas apart in 2006. We reunited after the holidays and agreed to move forward, working hard on our marriage. He started to say many things I had wanted to hear and being at home versus being with friends. Yet there were times I still felt like he did not open up or talk to me.
He recently took a job out of state and we agreed that we would spend a month or apart so to be sure we were 100% right before I moved to be with him. We both discussed this being a fresh start. I found out two weeks ago he called the woman he had an emotional affair with before in January and they have been talking off an on since then. He swears he never saw her, but that they did have long conversations, that probably went deeper than they should have. He says he is relieved I now know and he has wanted to stop it, he just has not been able to. He wants me to give him another chance and is FINALLY saying everything I wished he would have said before and acknowledging that he has an emotional issue. He is willing to go to counseling and try to fix everything.

I do not want to make a mistake and have this happen again. I am so hurt and also want to protect my heart. :(

Wow, well for starters I know you are hurt but if your husband is just saying he's sorry and keep doing the same thing then that means he's notlearning from his mistake and his being recklees with your heart. But if your husband is saying his sorry,admitting he has a problem and willing to seek counseling then be happy and don't leave him for that reason. Let him know that you are hurt from all the lying and cheating he has did and that you are willing to for give him and be worried free if he indeed goes through with the counseling. Justlet him know how important it is.Also try to explain how you had trusted him time and time again and that you have gotten hurt because of it and that you need him to go through with the conseling. Its hard to trust a person when they are constantly doing things to make you not trust them. And if a relationship has no trust then you have no relatuionships. If he does not go to conseling to help his relationship with you then you should indeed find someone elsewho can treat you right because all that's saying is that he's saying he sorry but not showing action or worth of time in trying to save the relationship.good luck

I was once in a similar situation and it was hard but I finally left. Obviously he cares more about himself that about hurting you. This type of man can treat you like a princess but it is all a game, they treat all women that way. Get out now, especially since you don't have kids yet. There is a moral issue here and it is very hard to change people's morals. I am now happily married for over three years to a guy who isn't as smooth as my first fiancée but is 100% real. I felt like I wanted to die at first from that physical pain of heartbreak but time and finding someone real will make you so glad you left. I now thank God he cheated because I probably wouldn't have left if he didn't.

As weird as it may sound, I would give him another chance but I won't put my heart in it

If he is away and he is back to his old ways already, the chances of that turning into something again, is a lot higher than not. I don't think he is satisfied in his current relationship otherwise, why would he turn to her again? They obviously had a strong connection and it has remained strong. He feels guilty and that is why he told you. That doesn't mean it won't happen again. IT doesn't even sound like he wants the same things as you do in life, so why are so committed to something that isn't even what you really want. I think the idea of being with him is better than the reality of it. IT's your life and the more energy spent on the one, who isn't the one, is time wasted. You have to really think about getting the most out of life that you can, and your relationships. Nobody will take care of you, but you. Please be careful, because this situation seems like you will be the one who gets hurt again, if you aren't.

Quote:

He is willing to go to counseling and try to fix everything.

Willing is fine but until he actually does, protect your heart. It takes time to rebuild love and trust, and there must be positive action on his part. Do not settle for any less, as talk is cheap.

I agree, willing to do something is totally different from doing it! I say that from experience. At least with the counseling and such. I really wish you the best, I hope you make decisions on your own behalf and not his, at least for now. Your heart is definitely on the line. Good luck and lot's of hugs heading your way!