Ask Me Help Desk - What do I Do?

Ok it is kind of a long story. I dated this girl for 2 and half years and we loved each other very much. Our friends called us the "ideal couple" and we were voted cutest couple in high school. She broke up with July 19 of this year because she felt second to everything else including to my car, money, and I didn't treat her right. I didn't truly realize this until it was too late. I tried about three or four times to get back with her in the next couple weeks. I never gave her the space she needed. Right now she is upset with me and annoyed. I was on my friends Facebook about 2 weeks ago and discovered she has a new boyfriend. Already!! They go to separate colleges and are a 2 hour drive apart. I asked her about it and she said that it is no rebound boyfriend and she likes him and that he goes there every weekend to see her. How can you build a solid relationship on that? He goes to school and works full time. Her mother called me and told me that she still loves me and still has feelings for me, but I just need to gave her space. I talked to her a couple of days ago and asked for a chance to show that I can change and be a good person, but at the same time she told we are never getting back together (she was very angry when she said this). She gave me the chance, so we have cut off all communications and I am going to call her in October. Should I be worried about this new boyfriend? Is she truly over me or is this a guy who is just filling the void in her heart? And she told me that she is happy and he treats her right. I love this girl way too much to let her go. How do I win back my ex?

Wow, should I be nice or really say what's on my mind? YOU MEN! You know what, she may be telling you that its not a rebound, but as a girl, being in a relationship for a bit over 2 years, and feeling the same way she felt about my boyfriend, (feeling 2nd next to everything), it is a rebound. He is treating her the way she wants you to treat her. He is filling the void in her heart. Of course she is going to tell you she is happy because she knows it is going to upset you. But she may be happy, and if you don't do something soon, he may win her over, as much as she will miss you. Love you and think of you, she will keep him around until things change and that is if they do.

What does she mean by giving her space, not talking to her at all, he doing her own thing, did she specify? Well, her mom telling you that is a bit of reassurance. But it doesn't make sense she asks for a chance to show her change but said you're never getting back together? I think you can win her back if its not too late.

Why October? I think if you wait that long, well its next month but still, you may not have a chance.

I think you should email her and straight and to the point, simple and sweet
Tell her that you have been thinking about your relationship a lot, and you really want to sit down and have an open discussion and that you miss her and care for her a lot. You don't want to give up. Being apart has made you realize a lot and you want to show her how much she means to you. 'I want to treat my princess like a queen'
Tell her to think ab out it and get in contact with you and let you know what she thinks.

It's a chance you're taking, but you're trying and that's all that matters, so when you see each other, things can either end or get better, the choice and discussion is left up to both of you...

Hope that helps

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch21

Wow, should I be nice or really say whats on my mind? YOU MEN! You know what, she may be telling you that its not a rebound, but as a girl, being in a relationship for a bit over 2 years, and feeling the same way she felt about my bf, (feeling 2nd next to everything), it is a rebound. He is treating her the way she wants you to treat her. He is filling the void in her heart. Of course she is going to tell you she is happy bc she knows it is going to upset you. But she may be happy, and if you don't do something soon, he may win her over, as much as she will miss you. love you and think of you, she will keep him around until things change and that is if they do.

What does she mean by giving her space, not talking to her at all, he doing her own thing, did she specify? Well, her mom telling you that is a bit of reassurance. But it doesn't make sense she asks for a chance to show her change but said you're never getting back together? I think you can win her back if its not too late.

Why October? I think if you wait that long, well its next month but still, you may not have a chance.

I think you should email her and straight and to the point, simple and sweet
tell her that you have been thinking about your relationship a lot, and you really want to sit down and have an open discussion and that you miss her and care for her a lot. You don't want to give up. Being apart has made you realize a lot and you want to show her how much she means to you. 'I want to treat my princess like a queen'
tell her to think ab out it and get in contact with you and let you know what she thinks.

its a chance youre taking, but youre trying and thats all that matters, so when you see each other, things can either end or get better, the choice and discussion is left up to both of you....

Hope that helps

Its October because that is not to far away, but it is enough time in my opinion for her to really think about it. I asked her for a chance to show her I can change and be good person. She is still very angry with me and she doesn't want to talk to me for now... I have to leave her alone, I will push her away if I try to get into contact with her. I have tried every approach except for leaving her alone. I think even in a month she won't really care about this guy that much, because at the most she can see him once a week. I am not too worried about him winning her over because it just started and even in a month things won't be that different. I personally think in time she will start to miss me. In your opinion how can I show her that I can really take care of her? How can I show her that I mean it from the bottom of my heart and that I truly love her?

Life Lesson 101: treat a woman right.

Your next girlfriend will appreciate it.

As for how to get #1 back, I would say that you can only apologize. Be super supportive and make it clear you are around... You are going on with your life but she is your first love and you were young and made a few mistakes... And you love her and hope to see her again one day. Mention a special time... and then leave her alone. It may be up to a year before this all shakes out.

The good news is that you are young and this is part of life... and makes you better.

This is what other folks have found helpful: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You know I don't how things have been between you and how she is. But I would want my boyfriend to call me just to tell me he misses me/loves me, send flowers ONCE in a while, just do things differently, be there for her, listen to her, taking her out with friends an dmeeting important people.

But you have to know your limit and your distance as well, you can't be TOO much, cause we don't like it too much, we don't like guys who act too girly. You know what I mean?

You got to treat her righ tby loving her, caring for her, tending to her needs. Make her feel special, give her attention, let it be about her.

For us girls, especially for me, the little things matter... a call/email/text/message from my boyfriend (who is EXTREMELY busy, runs a few businesses on his own and only 22) means so much to me. I know that he is thinking of me and he cares.

It's a hard question, but when you love someone, it has to work both ways, the effort, the comunication has to go both ways, yo may have to do some more work right now though.
But let it be natural.. dont do sooo much in the beginnning and be like okay I got her back and then stop doing the sweet stuff , u know what I mean, keep it stable and constant throughout.

You ain't going to like this but this isn't high school any more and welcome to the world of adults who grow up and pursue their own dreams and goals in life. She is off on her own life adventure and so should you be, and dude never listen to what family members tell you about an ex as they are only feeding you false hope and know nothing about how she really feel. Leave that high school stuff in the past and decide on what you want your life to be... Without her, as a mature adult male. Read the other break-up posts on this forum, and check out the sticky post in the relationship forum for insights, and to know you are not alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You ain't gonna like this but this isn't high school any more and welcome to the world of adults who grow up and pursue their own dreams and goals in life. She is off on her own life adventure and so should you be, and dude never listen to what family members tell you about an ex as they are only feeding you false hope and know nothing about how she really feel. Leave that high school stuff in the past and decide on what you want your life to be............................Without her, as a mature adult male. Read the other break-up posts on this forum, and check out the sticky post in the relationship forum for insights, and to know you are not alone.

Ok I really agree with you, but I still think that if she sees me for who I really am, she will take me back... We didn't break up because we don't love each other anymore, its because she got sick and tired of my crap. And this guy is only there to fill her empty space.

Don't try to convince me why she is with someone else. It doesn't matter, is the point. To make this all your fault, and none hers, is a guilt trip your using to explain her behavior, and that is denial. She didn't care to work it out, as it takes two. Your focus shouldn't be on her and her motives, only your plan of actions for you to be happy, and healthy without her. When you can let go, I am sure you'll see that. Not to be harsh, but you really need to read some of the other posts, to maybe see yourself, and your situation, with clarity, without the raw emotions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't try to convince me why she is with someone else. It doesn't matter, is the point. To make this all your fault, and none hers, is a guilt trip your using to explain her behavior, and that is denial. She didn't care to work it out, as it takes two. Your focus shouldn't be on her and her motives, only your plan of actions for you to be happy, and healthy without her. When you can let go, I am sure you'll see that. Not to be harsh, but you really need to read some of the other posts, to maybe see yourself, and your situation, with clarity, without the raw emotions.

Ok, one more thing... why did she get a boyfriend so fast?? Why did she get over me so quickly??

From what you have written, I suspect her feelings were just below the surface, and even though you had no clue as to how she felt, she had been thinking this way for quite sometimes.

Quote:

She broke up with July 19 of this year because she felt second to everything else including to my car, money, and I didn't treat her right. I didn't truly realize this until it was too late.

We can only guess how long she has been thinking that way, but it started long before the break up of July 19.

So does she still have feelings for me? I mean should I keep trying to win her back? Should I try to show her that I am different?

I think you are just waiting for someone to tell you the answer you want to hear. Unfortunately I don't think it would be the truth. The (sad) reality of it all is that you need to focus on yourself and your life. There will be 2 results. You will become happy with just being yourself and get over her, or she will come back to you on her own accord, and you can decide whether you want her back or not (you would be surprised with yourself and what you decide). It's a tough situation, and one I am one month into dealing with it myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

I think you are just waiting for someone to tell you the answer you want to hear. Unfortunately I dont think it would be the truth. The (sad) reality of it all is that you need to focus on yourself and your life. There will be 2 results. You will become happy with just being yourself and get over her, or she will come back to you on her own accord, and you can decide whether you want her back or not (you would be suprised with yourself and what you decide). Its a tough situation, and one I am one month into dealing with it myself.

Yea I think you are right. I am honestly hoping that she realizes I really love her and I just got to do what I got to do.

I have come, I have read, and now you must be Chuffed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Ok it is kind of a long story. I dated this girl for 2 and half years and we loved eachother very much.

You loved her. You can never, NEVER, I MEAN NEVER speak for the woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Our friends called us the "ideal couple"

Big deal. I think I'm the ideal lottery winner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

and we were voted cutest couple in high school.

Are you kidding me? I don't mean to be rude but that means absolutely nothing. I mean that means less then nothing. I mean I can't even believe you'd brag about that to be honest. I know your grasping at straws but “cutest couple?” Hell even Emopunk wasn't bragging about that and he's almost got a 100 pages on his thread. Seriously I think if I was told that I was part of “cutest couple”…….. in high school no less, I'd ask what I have to do to remove myself from that list. I mean if some guy actually said to me, “I was voted part of the “cutest couple” I would seriously wonder if he thought that was an accomplishment or a punishment.

Now I'm not here to make fun of you despite what that may come across at this point. But my point is that I'd bet your ex girlfriend wants someone who is not “cute.” Puppies and babies are cute, a woman wants passion and thrills. Cute doesn't cut it. Especially in high school.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

She broke up with July 19 of this year because she felt second to everything else including to my car, money, and i didnt treat her right.

She broke up with you for another guy. These were the reasons she gave you as not to hurt your feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

I didnt truly realize this until it was too late.

Even though the reasons she gave you were lies, most guys never do realize until it's too late.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

I tried about three or four times to get back with her in the next couple weeks. I never gave her the space she needed.

Learn this life lesson now for future break ups. When they ask you for space that is HER decision so you let her live with HER decision. When you try to get back with her again and again it only lets her know that you were not strong enough to let go, which ironically, means you are weak, which means she was right (in her mind at least) to dump you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Right now she is upset with me and annoyed. I was on my friends facebook about 2 weeks ago and discovered she has a new boyfriend. Already!!!!!

Learn this life lesson now for future break ups. She didn't find him after you broke up. She was interested while you were going out perhaps even started to see him while you were going out. Once she decided she would rather be with him, she dumped you. She knew in advance the relationship was over, you just didn't find out until she told you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

They go to separate colleges and are a 2 hour drive apart. I asked her about it and she said that it is no rebound boyfriend and she likes him and that he goes there every weekend to see her.

It's not a rebound. It's an alternative. She dumped you for him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

How can u build a solid realtionship on that?

Not really your problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

He goes to school and works full time.

Does he like classical music, furniture making, and long walks on the beach? Who the hell cares? He's not your boyfriend so don't punish yourself by learning about him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Her mother called me and told me that she still loves me and still has feelings for me, but I just need to gave her space.

This is about the last person I'd be taking advice from.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

I talked to her a couple of days ago and asked for a chance to show that i can change and be a good person, but at the same time she told we are never getting back together (she was very angry when she said this).

Of course she was angry. She stopped caring months ago, long before July 19th so to her listening to you ramble on about another chance, and proving that you're a good person and being part of the cutest couple means nothing. In fact, it makes you look weak because you have to beg for emotional scraps which is the exact opposite of what a woman wants in her man.

Hey this is ironic, when my dog begs for food scraps it's cute and when you beg for emotional scraps it's part of the “cutest couple.” You are both pretty much in the same category in her mind. Cute and attraction are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

She gave me the chance, so we have cut off all communications and I am going to call her in October.

Why? She told you October so that you'd stay away for a month. When you call back will she brag to her friends “he's so CUTE, he goes away then comes when I call him. He's such a good boy.” Wait that's also what I say about my dog, except my dog is a girl but she does follow my every command. Really a great dog. I just gave her a bone for behaving so well.

Anyway, why don't you not call her back, and see if she calls you. Why are you going be “cute” and call back when she tells you to? Why not step up and show her that you are above her, and you don't need her. That is what a woman is attracted to. Not somebody that follows her every command.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Should I be worried about this new boyfriend?

Yes and no.

Yes he's there and yes she's left you for him.

No you should not be worried because now you can learn from this whole experience and move forward. What you got here was a life lesson, and I'll be the first to admit you got screwed over. The first break ups are also always the hardest because you've never felt like that before. The reality is she brought this onto you. That was her decision. Make her live with it. If she decided after 2 years that she didn't want or desire this relationship with you, then you have to move forward and be comfortable knowing you didn't do anything wrong to cause the break up. It was her lack of honesty, integrity, and loyalty that caused it, so in that regard you should hold yourself in high regard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

Is she truly over me or is this a guy who is just filling the void in her heart?

She was over you before she left you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wrestlin1018

And she told me that she is happy and he treats her right. I love this girl way to much to let her go. How do I win back my ex?

Love yourself more and let go for you.

Don't get sucked in a competition. The only one will get hurt is you if she don't want to come back. That is her choice. But you now knowing what it will take to have a better relationship maybe it will just be with someone else, move forward. Love hurts but is also a lesson to go forward on the path you are suppose to go on. I believe if its meant to be it will. It will hurt but I think if you really loved her in the first place it wouldn't have worked out like this that just might have not been love.