I guess I was still in the "honeymoon" phase, but now I'm seriously upset. We just got married, and started thinking about buying our first house together (our current home is in my name) and starting a family. The day we went to a lawyer to start the buying/selling process, my husband went to work and got fired.

His office was having issues and I remember him saying "because of it, now we have to do this... ". Well, a few weeks passed since he was telling me about it. When he got home after being fired, he was saying the boss yelled at him for not doing "this" and my hubby said, "He never told me to do that!" etc..

Well, I'm sure he doesn't remember telling me earlier about the new terms he had to work under and I think he lied to me to avoid the embarrassment of admitting his mistake. In turn, I've not said anything to him and I've just tried my hardest to remain supportive.

Well, I was okay at first but now its stewing under the surface. I'm the "A type" in the relationship and I've always been much more aggressive with finances, jobs, etc. because I grew up with nothing. He grew up somewhat privileged, so he's much more "easy going" when it comes to these sorts of things. He always thinks things will work out... while I believe things work out if you work for them.

I love him to death and I want to support him, but I'm afraid of what's to come. I have a serious survival instinct and I get very afraid of running out of money... especially when we wanted to purchase a home, start a family, etc. Yes, he could get a new job tomorrow, he might not for another year... How can I stay positive (calm) about this?

Sorry this was so long; thanks for the vent. :o

You stay positive and calm by not being anyone's s fool, and if his plan can work support it, if after you have looked at the facts, and see what NEEDS to be done ,then you will do what it takes to make this work, without giving up the farm. If you are the logical one, and have the skills to make things work, then you act accordingly, but always keep in mind, to hold back enough to survive. If he cannot, you must. Be realistic when it comes to money, and always remember, talk is so cheap.

Learning, from your posts I see that you have a very keen insight. You are a smart woman. I think you need to make an attempt to separate yourself from this issue and think about what you would advise to someone else in your shoes. Look at your question and put someone else's name on it in your mind.

Although there isn't anything you can do about it now, it isn't good for any marriage for one party to keep quiet about something so blatant. That is why you are so upset. You know the truth about the situation which is: he really screwed up at work and he isn't accepting responsibility for his actions. Huge problem, in and of itself, in the long run. If you choose to keep quiet each time this occurs, it will be the undoing of your marriage. Your anger and frustration will continue to build up over time. The next time he does this (and he will), you need to calmly and quietly remind him of the previous conversation. There needs to be a logical, rational, and serious marital discussion. No yelling, no screaming, no emotional outbursts. He just needs to understand you aren't going to let this behavior slide by. It is a very childish and immature reaction which he needs to put an end to. If you don't do this, he will continue this pattern of blaming others for his mistakes. Eventually at some point in time there will be this same "misunderstanding" about something in your marriage (maybe he will promise to file your tax return and "forget" about the conversation) and you will be the person that he will put the blame on. I am sure he has done this throughout his life. People don't suddenly become this way. Does either one of your in-laws (his mother?) treat him as if the sun rises and sets on him and he can't do anything wrong? He is married now and he has to become a responsible adult and recognize that you both are in this life together now as a team. Lies and/or self-deception do not reside in a good marriage.

To stay positive about this whole thing is to follow Talaniman's advice. I think it would be wise to forget about purchasing property together for a while. If he brings it up, right now, his not working is a prime reason not to place such a financial burden on yourself. Later, when he finds work, you need to have a serious discussion about ensuring you are both completely and financially solvent enough to afford to switch up to a nicer house. That means knowing both your jobs are totally secure. You should not be the main source of support for you both. Marriage is a partnership and it should be understood, talked about, and agreed upon fully by both parties, as to who will be the main provider to the joint household. Right now, you are being forced into that situation out of necessity. Considering your background, the frustration you feel will continue to mount if you don't do what I am suggesting. For now, leave the house in your name. Protect your assets. You will be able to deal with this a lot better and have a more positive outlook if you know that you don't have to worry about losing all you have worked so hard to accomplish. Support him emotionally by encouraging him in his job search. I am sure he is a charming guy and will be able to find something soon. But, you need to stay put in your home for the next couple of years and just watch how he is managing himself when he is confronted with a major life altering issue or problem. He needs to prove to you that he can "man up" and accept responsibility and the resulting fallout that will occur, from his own actions.

I hope I am not coming across as too harsh. I am truly only trying to protect your mental and financial well-being here. I am not suggesting that your marriage is in trouble. This is just one incident of all the problems that can occur when you are first starting. How we handle it and muddle through it, is part of figuring out how to make our marriages work the way the way they should. Once we allow ourselves to fall into patterns of perceived accepted behavior with our partners, it is so hard to break that pattern if the behavior isn't actually acceptable to us. So, for a marriage to succeed, the ground rules are constantly being set and reset within the first few years, to find the proper comfort level and balance for both parties. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and finding the satisfactory resolution for both husband & wife, to the current problem at hand, is the way to keep a marriage strong and healthy.

You're both right, and I appreciate the time you took to respond.

Quote:

---

Learning, from your posts I see that you have a very keen insight. You are a smart woman. I think you need to make an attempt to separate yourself from this issue and think about what you would advise to someone else in your shoes. Look at your question and put someone else's name on it in your mind.

---

Ruby, thank you greatly for the compliment. You're right, its hard to look at it from another perspective, but I do need to think about what I would tell someone else in my shoes. I agree with everything you said, though of course its hard to accept the faults of someone you love.

Its troubling to me because I know DH wants what I do. He made a genuine mistake at work and his pride won't let him admit it to me. Its hard for us both because my work is taking me in a positive direction, so its hard to handle being the one with the weight on my shoulders. I know it sounds stupid but I've always been forced to take care of people in my youth, so it stings a little to have that situation again as a newlywed.

Its just hard for me to understand... I was going to type something else but I realized I sounded defensive of him... I need to stay more "realistic" than cover his faults over my own embarrassment (my own stupid pride! )
Thanks though for letting me *talk* about this...

No problem. It is really hard to see our own situations from an objective seat. Honey, we all have faults. It is all in how we deal with them that the possibility arises to create messy problems. You already have a good perspective on life and people at your age. As you get older, you will continue to learn & grow and recognize what works & what doesn't. Life really is about learning from our mistakes and learning how to make the choices that result in a more positive solution. I am sure that you wouldn't marry someone who didn't have the capacity for that as well. :)

You really have picked a very wise name for yourself here on this forum. ;)

Ruby, you are the sweetest person I've never met. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
DH and I are very similar indeed. I'd just call myself more of the "fighter" in the relationship. (Not fighting with him, but in life that is ;) )

Your comment below made me chuckle.

Quote:

---

Does either one of your in-laws (his mother?) treat him as if the sun rises and sets on him and he can't do anything wrong?

---

Now that I think of it, when DH's birthday rolls around, his mother calls it his "Birth Month" rather than BirthDAY. She says the whole month should be celebrated.
Good thing they live 2 hours away... moving 2 states away soon. :rolleyes: