Ask Me Help Desk - Losing it .

Well, I don't know what happened to the message I just now wrote because it simply isn't here; it just disappeared. So here I go again. Forgive me if it shows up somewhere else, will you? I am mainly writing this because I need realign with my spirituality... not the kind heaven is so-called produces, but the kind "I"... "we" are made of, mentally

Let me explain: when I go to sleep at night I plan on waking up the next morning. So far, so good. But lately I have been sensing a lessoning in that game plan. For me and the part of me that's been oh so quiet for oh so long... the part of me that is the "in your face" part... well that part finds this totally unacceptable. Sorry, folks, I was raised and born in Brooklyn, NY and that's the way we all are - sort've crass - sometimes too blunt and possessing a minimal sense of tact. I do try to stay on top of that but sometimes I slip, so just ignore me when I fall back to my growing up ways. I'm really harmless. I'm just like you all... I appreciate the beauty in life: the simple pleasures oft time taken for granted: the ground we walk on, the trees we shade under and that vast blue wonder above us... wow... whatta smell in just plain o' air! Right? I love it!

My problem starts with my kids. I have four grown boys. One of them, I'll call him David, treats me straight out like a dog. Talks to me like I'm a peasant and has been doing so for a few years now. He is very wealthy. I am not, neither are his 3 brothers. David is the 2nd oldest, the oldest has even less money than all the others (see intro). David is EXTREMELY money conscious. Don't even mention money around him or you will beaten down with a half a hundred insults before the minute hand could complete one quarter of a revolution. All he does is WATCH how everybody else spends their own money and he is always ready to comment on it. We don't get along, this boy and I. in fact I think I hate him and would delight in turning back the clock and smacking him senseless... oh how I only wish! Yet, if anything ever happened to him, I'd die, too.

Kids... you can't live with them, but you definitely CAN live without him as far as I am concerned! Or at least never ever having had them, that is. I was never meant to be a "Mom." I'm not the "put on an apron and live in the kitchen with the cookies forever in the oven" type Mom. Never will be. But let me tell you, I sacrificed my entire life for my kids. Worked my tail off for them doing a job I hated with all my heart for 32 years AND doing it working the midnight shift which drove me half crazy. Not to mention how many countless Christmas' when I'd get sick because I worked too many darn hours pulling all the overtime I could just so I could buy the kids what they wanted for Christmas. At that time, my husband and I had split up. He drank... a lot! And was very abusive to me. I got tired of the beatings and so one day, I hurt him back. He moved out. Eventually we became friends oddly enough... good friends. It took time of course, but I let it go. I took a lot from that man because of my kids, but when I started working, that's when I became more confident and decided I really could take care of my kids on my own and didn't have to stand for any more beatings. My working led to one last fight, then he left for good, praise the Lord.

But this isn't about that... it's about my needing to feel good about giving up my life for my kids which right now I believe was NOT worth it. All four of my sons have hurt and disappointed me badly. I feel this hurt all the time like a physical lump in my chest. You do know that it couldn't hurt this much if I didn't love or care about them, don't you? So, no... I DO love my kids. But at the same time, lately I am regretting ever having had them. How does one deal with that?? I gave 3 of my sons a lot of money... I mean a LOT of money... money I got from my husband's death benefits. David, his royal majesty, didn't need money; he had plenty, the others didn't. Yet the three I gave all that money to, each in turn, refused to help me when I needed help. I left myself with no money at all. I don't care about money, never have, never will. So this is it... anyone got any ideas how I can find excuses for them, ones I can settle for? I'm all out! Well, hope I haven't tired you; it is such a beautiful day... at least that I do enjoy. Thanks for listening or for any help forth coming.
Chek

Wow Chek, sounds like you resent your whole life, besides the fact that you are still breathing. I have four children, I am not the soft spoken, apron wearing mother. (although I like aprons and collect vintage styles) BUT, I do love and support my children very happily. Sounds like you were doomed from the beginning and the choices you made throughout brought you to feel this way. Are you just done and want out of the relationships with your sons? Have you looked at their sides, talked to them respectfully, ask why they are treating you this way? Do they even know you feel this way? I wonder really what makes them treat you like this? Just a few simple questions. Just so we can give you better advice. Hugs and I hope it all works for you in the long run!

I would say, based on this post and your introduction, that you need to set the boundaries now. Better late than never. You have a son living in the home you bought and why can't he get out on his own? He is old enough, isn't he, to quit soaking up the benefits of your money and efforts? Sorry to say this, but if you give some people an inch, they take a mile. It sounds like you have given far too many inches to your children.

If you do not get the treatment you feel is rightly due to you, then do not accept any of it. Inform your sons that while you love them, your door is not a revolving door, nor is it open for them until they can come to their senses and treat you with respect. You did your part in raising them, now it is their responsibility to fulfill their own adult lives. You do not have to put with insults or verbal abuse or any of that garbage.

Some will say that you only get back what you give. If your sons are resenting you for their childhood, then maybe they feel this is the way to treat you. But hey, you cannot be the whipping post or the scapegoat. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past. That is not to say just forget about it, but try to discover what is behind their antagonism towards you, then deal with and go forward. If they cannot become an adult and respect you as their mother, then, and I mean this well, close the door and tell them to have a nice life. Because you are going to make yourself a nice life.

Find someone to talk to - a therapist, a counselor, a pastor or priest - someone you can trust and who will hold your confidentiality. Someone to listen and walk you through the emotions that are still so raw, one can see in your writing. You have a tough history but that does not mean you deserve a tough present or future.

Good luck to you. Wishing you the best.

Chek,

I'm sorry things are so tough around you at the moment. Perhaps if you stick around here for a while we can help you a little with some of that.

I was never the 'soft spoken, apron wearing mother' either. Born and brought up in Glasgow, I recognised the 'straight talking' you speak of.

I was an abused child so the first four years or so taking care of my two boys was a real struggle. Then I realised how much I sounded like my mum and I didn't like it. That was when I made a conscious effort to turn things around. I wanted happy children. I didn't succeed a hundred percent but they are out there all grown and taking care of themselves and me too from time to time.

The truth is, Chek, we don't know how much of what we do or the way we do things affects our kids till much later. Sometimes too much later. We struggle to do the best we can thinking that is good enough but it never is. To get it one hundred percent correct we would have to be mind readers but we're not. So we did the best we could with what we had at the time.

If it is at all possible I believe you should start by forgiving them. Take every opportunity to see each of them on their own and let them know that you were only doing the best you could. And that if it wasn't enough, you're sorry. It's going to take a woman with a big heart to do that. And keep on doing it until they get the message that a truces has been called. I think you can do it. I think if you really want your boys back, want them to treat you with some respect then you are going to have to show them that you respect them and their life choices.

This is what is meant by... ‘Give first take later‘. To get respect we must give respect.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluerose

Chek,

I'm sorry things are so tough around you at the moment. Perhaps if you stick around here for a while we can help you a little with some of that.

I was never the 'soft spoken, apron wearing mother' either. Born and brought up in Glasgow, I recognised the 'straight talking' you speak of.

I was an abused child so the first four years or so taking care of my two boys was a real struggle. Then I realised how much I sounded like my mum and I didn't like it. That was when I made a conscious effort to turn things around. I wanted happy children. I didn't succeed a hundred percent but they are out there all grown and taking care of themselves and me too from time to time.

The truth is, Chek, we don't know how much of what we do or the way we do things affects our kids till much later. Sometimes too much later. We struggle to do the best we can thinking that is good enough but it never is. To get it one hundred percent correct we would have to be mind readers but we're not. So we did the best we could with what we had at the time.

If it is at all possible I believe you should start by forgiving them. Take every opportunity to see each of them on their own and let them know that you were only doing the best you could. And that if it wasn't enough, you're sorry. It's going to take a woman with a big heart to do that. And keep on doing it until they get the message that a truces has been called. I think you can do it. I think if you really want your boys back, want them to treat you with some respect then you are going to have to show them that you respect them and their life choices.

This is what is meant by... 'Give first take later'. To get respect we must give respect.

Bluerose,
That was so beautifully explained...
We can only try to do the best with our children,we are not mind readers.