Hi everyone! This is my first time here, so here goes:

My (third)cousin, Ali got married in California on August 13, 2005. And there was the sweetest guy there, who happens to be a friend of my cousins. It was so adorable, my mom said that the moment he saw me he got extremely nervous and tried everything to get near me, but was too nervous to talk to me! I didn't even notice him until he moved to the table next to ours. The entire night he followed me to try and dance with me, not in a creepy way, more like a fragile schoolboy. Finally towards the end of the night everyone was dancing in a circle, and we were standing next to each other. All of a sudden, EVERYONE moved over, so he and I were by ourselves in a corner! Apparently my mom saw what happened and it turns out his friends were trying to get us to dance together, because he didn't have the ability to.

So we danced and he was so sweet! His gestures and movements showed that he really is a genuinely nice/warm person. Believe me I have met quite a few creepy guys and can sniff them out blindfolded, and he certainly isn't one of them. Eventually we went outside and talked. He goes to UC Berkeley and is studying engineering. I am an engineer, so we both got on really well. He then asked me out, but the trouble was that I was hoping on a flight in 12 hours.

Here is where it gets a bit odd. We didn't exchange information, although he gave me the warmest handshake goodbye. I wanted to talk to my cousin and ask him what he thought of his friend. After all I didn't want to step on any toes.

After my cousin came back from his honeymoon I emailed him some photos from the wedding, and text messaged him a few days after that telling him that I wanted to talk about his friend.

Well he never called me back! I called him a week later and he said that he was a good guy and that he would give me his friends email address and phone number.

Now it's a few days later and I haven't heard anything! I'm a little baffeled and slightly miffed by my cousins behavior. Baffeled because I know this guy likes me a lot, and I don't know if my cousin gave him my information or not. Because we received a few hang up phone calls on the house phone, which I mostly attribte to young girls trying to contact my brother. BUT my cousin didn't have my cell number until I called him this past Saturday.

I'm sorry for being vague, but I am a bit confused. I don't want to beat down my cousins door and demand that he give me his friends information. What else could be wrong? His friends doesn't have a girlfriend, so what is the problem?

I'm also off with relationships, I have dated some weirdos. Not all, but some. This is the first time that a guy has expressed this much initial interest in me and with whom I actually reciprocate.

Confused :(

In case it helps, DOB 12/30/79

I would appreciate any advice you all would give me. Peace be with you. :)

Let us keep the focus straight... your cousin is not the guilty party... you are.

Knowing that you live quite a distant from your new love interest, you, for whatever reason, did not take the liberty to request his information or volunteer your information. You know what you want, and it is out of character for you not to proceed in the direction, you have set your heights to. You know that your cousin has a life, and he's a man, for goodness sake, who barely remembers where he lays his wallet and watch; therefore, be patient with him. If you truly want to make a connection with your new love interest, put yourself in such a position, rely on the confidence of a woman to get things done, ask your cousin's wife to relay the message.

You know that there remains too many points for conjecture, thus minimize them, keep the confidence that has served you well.

Don't fret, just try another avenue to make the connection. You are skillful and quite creative with precision and focus. Never lose sight of that.

No need to wish you luck, this one is in the bag. Go for it.

Yes, I know you are right. Normally I would have asked for his number. But I was so exhausted from the numerous days/hours of traveling(we drove for two days to get there), lack of sleep(my brother kept kicking me), partying, etc. Plus my ears were ringing because the speakers at the reception were so loud. He and I were both massaging our ears while we were talking. Believe me I am still kicking myself in the tush!

I really would hate to ask my cousins wife for help, mostly because I don't know her. Plus he is Ali's friend. I only have his cell phone number, not hers. I would hate to call my cousin to ask for his wife's number so I can get her to ask Ali to get his friends number.

Thank you shenda for your advice, it was a nice kick in the butt. However, does anyone have any other ideas?

Revision:
I text messaged my cousin stating that by the time he gives me his friends info he will have forgotten about me! To which my cousin replied "Don't worry, he won't forget." Unfortunately that still didn't result in a phone number. But I'm working on it :)

Hello,

Here is my take in your situation. First, there are some cultural considerations here. You are Middle Eastern and thus very family-oriented. That's why you are doing this through your cousin and why you resent him for not being more helpful. Also, that's probably why you preferred that this guy contacts you rather than taking the intiative (I know you're capable and willing to take the initiative, but the fact that you didn't tells me that (consciously or unconsciously) you were hoping he did. I am not blaming you, but your reasons for not taking the initiative sound more like rationalizations to me).

Second, if this guy was that interested in being in a relationship, he would have gotten your info already! He would be as desperate as you are. If he is so shy that he can't contact a woman that may be "the one" it's because either he is not that excited about being in a committed relationship at this point of his life or he doesn't feel he's ready, OR he's not that sure you're the right one for him.

Otherwise (if he's interested and ready to be in a cmmited relationship and thinks you might be the one), he should be able to approach a woman at his age! It's understandable to be shy, but to be THAT shy is not very mature or adaptive at his age. Do you really want to be with a man like that? The relationship has not even started and you're already having to do all the efforts! He's already worrying you and making you feel insecure. That's not how one feels in a good relationship.

We can't even argue that the guy may be afraid of rejection because you two already flirted enough for him to know the attraction was mutual. If he was not shy to touch your ears, why would he be shy to ask for your contact info?

Finally, if you are that interested in the guy, I would let your mom talk to your cousin or to anyone that has the contact info of the guy. People may feel compelled to give her the info because she is older. Another option woud be to ask your cousin (or another mutual friend that you trust) to ask the guy if he likes you and if he is looking for long-term commitment.

And when you contact him, be direct and let him know you're interested in a serious relationship, so that you get a direct answer and don't lose time.

If you want, you can tell me more about your relationship history. I have the feeling that your approach to relationships is not the most efficient and that may be the root of your problem with guys. You may be choosing the wrong type of guy every time.

Hope this helps!

Miki.

I forgot to mention something: Just to give him the benefit of the doubt. It is possible (although it would be a rare instance) that this guy might have been looking for your contact info for weeks but was unable to get it, just like you were unable to get his (although men are much better than us in this-they have more practice! :) ).

If that is the case, it is in your best interest to get his contact info ASAP and find out what's up with him, OR EVEN BETTER: make sure he gets your contact info. That way you make sure HE takes the intiative, which gives you the upperhand in the situation.

If you make sure he takes the intiative, that also saves you a lot of heartache because if he doesn't contact you then you have your answer without having to tell him about your feelings. Let men do the courting girl! You're educated, decent and sensitive. You deserve that a man courts you!

Keep your head high!

Miki.

Thank you for your response Miki.

Forgot to update. My cousin sent me his email address, and we exchanged a few emails. Yeah! Although I have been waiting for his last response for a few days. He seems interested, but I think that there may be a slight language barrier. He has only been in the states for a few years so I think that he is a little intimidated about responding to my last email... We will see.

As far as my history with relationships goes, I am usually the more pursuer who knows who she wants, and gets her man. Unfortunately with my last relationship I realized that by being so giving and making the relationship VERY easy for my ex it lead to our demise. So I need to find that fine balance that keeps relationships intact. Which is why I don't want to make any errors as far as this man is concerned.

Plus, I have never dating a middle-eastern man. Mostly because they are SO aggressive that after any type of encounter I want to wash the "stench" off. But this guy is completely different, he is absolutely adorable and sweet.

Fingers crossed, things are going well. My only worry at the moment is the language barrier. I mean I know enough of my farsi to get by, and I am sure that he is the same way with english. However I think that I need to find a good emulsifier so I can better blend this oil and water mixture. :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kahggisb

Thank you for your response Miki.

Forgot to update. My cousin sent me his email address, and we exchanged a few emails. Yeah! Although I have been waiting for his last response for a few days. He seems interested, but I think that there may be a slight language barrier. He has only been in the states for a few years so I think that he is a little intimidated about responding to my last email... We will see.

As far as my history with relationships goes, I am usually the more pursuer who knows who she wants, and gets her man. Unfortunatly with my last relationship I realized that by being so giving and making the relationship VERY easy for my ex it lead to our demise. So I need to find that fine balance that keeps relationships intact. Which is why I don't want to make any errors as far as this man is concerned.

Plus, I have never dating a middle-eastern man. Mostly because they are SO agressive that after any type of encounter I want to wash the "stench" off. But this guy is completely different, he is absolutely adorable and sweet.

Fingers crossed, things are going well. My only worry at the moment is the language barrier. I mean I know enough of my farsi to get by, and I am sure that he is the same way with english. However I think that I need to find a good emulsifier so I can better blend this oil and water mixture. :eek:

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Hi there,

I'm glad you finally got in touch with him. It's also good that he seems interested. However, I am somewhat concerned about the way you're describing this relationship, as well as your past ones.

When I read you, I get the feeling that you act as if it was your responsibility to please your partners and make a relationship work. Either that and/or you feel as if you can't be happy on your own. Those beliefs are not adaptive, and they will not lead you to the kind of person and relationship that you deserve.

Take your relationship with this man as an example: You pursued him, you are trying to read his mind, discover his problems, and fix him. You are doing all the work in the relationship by yourself AND you're doing it in exchange for leftovers of attention and interest from this man. Instead of looking for the right person for you, you're trying to change an inadequate partner and a dysfunctional relationship into the right partner and the right relationship for you.

That's not the way things work in a good relationship. When someone is attracted to you and he is mature about intimacy and commitment, he will work in the relationship as much as you are working. You won't need to change him or control him in order to get him to be interested in you and to work with you to solve any difficulties that may come up in your relationship.

It may be part of your personality to be a perfectionist and a hard-working person that tries to control everything she can and doesn't give up easily. Those are good traits to have in life, but in relationships they can put you in trouble. A relationship is a matter of two people. No matter how much you work on it, you cannot make someone love you, and you cannot make someone be a good partner UNLESS he wants to work in order to change and to be the right partner for you.

You seem to have a pattern of attracting and being attracted to needy men that you need to mother and fix. That is not healthy and it won't make you happy in the long run.

Are you really happy in these kind of relationships? Waiting for a man to call, being anxious, feeling insecure, wondering what is on his mind, putting up with all his imperfections while he may not put up with yours, making sacrifices all the time, giving all your attention, care, time, energy, and affection to someone that does not give anything in return, and does not appreciate any of your qualities. And what is worst, it is human nature to value LESS those that give everything in exchange of nothing. You may think that a man that you give everything to will love you more, but the truth is that he will lose his respect for you, because he will feel that you don't value yourself enough to stand up for your needs and demand to be valued.

You need to take a deep look inside and figure out if this is what you really want, as well as understand why you have developed this pattern. Could it be that you're trying to make these emotionally unavailable men love you so that you can love yourself? Or maybe one of your parents was not as loving as you wish he or she was when you were a child, and now you unconsciously seek unavailable partners in order to simbolically gain your parents love, or to recreate the dynamics you had with them as a child...

I am sorry to be so harsh with you, but I feel you need someone to shake you a bit, so you can open your eyes and stop treating yourself poorly. You are still young and you can break this pattern. Wouldn't it be great if you could stop worrying so much about men and let them worry about you? Let that man be the one to ask his friends on advice on how to get the attention of a great girl like you! Stop thinking about him and trying to fix him. Stop e-mailing him and let him take the intiative. If he doesn't, then you don't need someone like that. If he can't write an e-mail to you, how is he going to stand by your side when you're feeling vulnerable? Or do you plan to continue mothering him forever and don't demand that he will be by your side when you need him?

Please reflect on these things.

All the best to you,

Miki.

Miki:
When I read your post I was a little defensive, but I think that all in all you are correct on a lot of points. I do have a tendency to "mother" the men that I date. Not because of my parent's, but because I have a brother who is 10 years younger than I am. Unfortunately giving the same love and attention that I give my brother to the men that I date doesn't translate very well. As you said they tend to think "less" of someone who is giving, makes them seem needy. So on that point you are absolutely right. It's a hard habit to break believe me, but I've been getting better.

Note: Did I mention that I am a software engineer? Hence the constant rationalizing. Just part of who I am.

For instance, I emailed Mr.A on Sunday, and haven't heard from him since. I didn't send him any emails asking him "hey why haven't you written back?" or anything to that nature. Like you said, if he want's to pursue he will, and if he doesn't then it's his loss. Who knows he may be busy with school, or busy writing me a poem, either way I should not interrupt his concentration. I just get a little impatient, it always seems to me that life is set on a course of deadlines. "The sooner the better" syndrome, or more in my case "If it didn't happen yesterday, it won't."

Plus I really am a busy person, going to school and having my own business, and I am not looking to get into any relationships at the moment. Nevertheless I don't want to pass up a good opportunity when I see one. I am not looking to get married for at least a few years up the road, so I am not trying to snare a husband. I am just hoping that we can get to know each other and see what happens from there. It's just frustrating because I am a bit of a control freak, and when situations are out of my control which at times they should be I get extremely nervous. Maybe I should lax on the caffeine. :o

Thanks Miki for your replies, you really have been very kind in taking your time to respond to my questions. Your advice, although at times harsh, is eye-opening. I will re-read your words and work on my issues. What can I say, I'm a Capricorn! You should have seen me when I was a child, like my father said to his friends when they asked what it was like to have a kid "It's kind of like having a roomate." Eerily mature and filled with words that were far beyond my years. ;)

Thanks Miki
:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kahggisb

Miki:
When I read your post I was a little defensive, but I think that all in all you are correct on a lot of points. I do have a tendency to "mother" the men that I date. Not because of my parent's, but because I have a brother who is 10 years younger than I am. Unfortunately giving the same love and attention that I give my brother to the men that I date doesn't translate very well. As you said they tend to think "less" of someone who is giving, makes them seem needy. So on that point you are absolutely right. It's a hard habit to break believe me, but I've been getting better.

Note: Did I mention that I am a software engineer? Hence the constant rationalizing. Just part of who I am.

For instance, I emailed Mr.A on sunday, and haven't heard from him since. I didn't send him any emails asking him "hey why haven't you written back?" or anything to that nature. Like you said, if he want's to pursue he will, and if he doesn't then it's his loss. Who knows he may be busy with school, or busy writing me a poem, either way I should not interupt his concentration. I just get a little impatient, it always seems to me that life is set on a course of deadlines. "The sooner the better" syndrome, or more in my case "If it didn't happen yesterday, it won't."

Plus I really am a busy person, going to school and having my own business, and I am not looking to get into any relationships at the moment. Nevertheless I don't want to pass up a good opportunity when I see one. I am not looking to get married for at least a few years up the road, so I am not trying to snare a husband. I am just hoping that we can get to know each other and see what happens from there. It's just frustrating because I am a bit of a control freak, and when situations are out of my control which at times they should be I get extremely nervous. Maybe I should lax on the caffeine. :o

Thanks Miki for your replies, you really have been very kind in taking your time to respond to my questions. Your advice, although at times harsh, is eye-opening. I will re-read your words and work on my issues. What can I say, I'm a Capricorn! You should have seen me when I was a child, like my father said to his friends when they asked what it was like to have a kid "It's kind of like having a roomate." Eerily mature and filled with words that were far beyond my years. ;)

Thanks Miki
:)

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Hello there,

I totally understand how you could get defensive about this. But I want you to understand that this is not a criticism of your character. We all make many mistakes as we gain experience through our relationships. It is not a character weakness. If on top of that, we have our own personal demons to deal with, that just adds to the challenges that we need to face. We all have limitations and challenges, but only the wisest among us are able to acknowledge them and work to be better persons.

Rather, this is a warm advice from woman to woman. I've been there too, trust me. We women have a tendency to give a lot and sacrifice in relationships because of the way we're raised to be nurturing, but like I said, those things don't work if they are not reciprocal (ie, if your partner is not giving back as much).

I don't know how "severe" is your tendency to mother men. I think many women have some of that tendency at a point in their lives and they grow out of it because of experience and hurt. However, some of us have more enduring tendencies that are usually rooted in personal issues such as low self-esteem or childhood trauma. You need to find out how "severe" is your tendency to be too giving and get stuck in dysfunctional relationships.

It is very good that you have your own life and interests and that you are not in a hurry to get married. However, I do think that you're a bit in a hurry to be in a relationship. Otherwise, why would you be so concerned about this guy that you don't even know that well? For what you know, he may be going out with other girls too. He may be an or have huge character faults.

Which gets me to my next point: You need to ask yourself the right questions. Stop thinking about whether HE is interested. Instead, think if he is right for you. Focus on YOUR needs.

Here are some helpful resources for you: 1-A very funny, short book that you probably have heard about: "He's just not into you". This book is a great way to help you regain self-confidence and focus on the right questions and the right approach to relationships. It's empowering.
2-"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood: Now, this book discusses the ways in which some women get stuck in dysfunctional relationships and the roots and solutions for those problems. You may find that the cases in the book fit with your case, or you may find them much more severe than what you have experienced, but I think you may still learn a lot about yourself and your approach to relationships while reading it.

Now, just two rules of thumb to go by from now on. 1-In a relationship, focus on yourself and not on the other. Ask yourself if your needs are being satisfied, If you're happy, if you're receiving as much as you're giving, if the relationship is making you insecure and nervous, if this man is good enough for you, if he lives up to your expectations, if you know him well enough, if he treats you like you want to be treated, if he makes you feel secure and nurtured. Forget about him. Giving as you are, I'm sure his needs are more than covered!

2-Whenever you give something, make sure the other person is giving as much. Now, this may sound calculating, and it's true that at any point in time one partner may give more than the other and that's OK, but in the long term things should balance out. Now, in your case, given your tendency to give too much too soon, it would be better if you only give what you're given, especially at the beginning of a relationship. So, only call if he has called you, e-mail if he has e-mailed you, etc. Also, your e-mails should be as long as his or shorter, and you should reveal personal information at the same rate that he is revealing personal info to you. And of course, if you're looking for long term commitment, DO NOT get physical with a man if you are not positive of his feelings for you, and you are not clear if his expectations for the relationship match yours.

I hope I'm doing a good job of explaining this, and being of any help.

Blessings,

Miki.