Ask Me Help Desk - Fear of Dating

Hi, I was browsing the internet trying to read about intimacy issues and dating fears, but I couldn't find anything that sounded like myself. I'm a young woman, and I feel like this might be the peak of my appearance and dating career, except I have never had a serious relationship, and few sexual encounters. When I was younger I was molested by a boy my age, and I do not feel particularly scarred from it, because I have spent a lot of time trying to 'figure myself out'. Through this I realized that I had been using that as an excuse to refuse intimate contact, and for the past few years I've been trying to release myself from that. When I think about it, a relationship sounds like a desirable, normal and beneficial idea. This changes when I am confronted. I feel completely unattracted to whoever is hitting on me, I get anxious and want to get away from this person, even if they had been my ideal boyfriend. And writing this I think, it could be that I think too much about it?

I simply can not understand why I haven't got any kind of sexual desire for anyone I meet. Even when I'm drunk.. which seems impossible compared to the gang I run with. To justify it, I often explain that no one I have ever met has been in a 'functional' relationship. That in the end you're a little more bitter and back where you started and that I just don't like people. I feel like I know immediately when a guy has goals involving myself, even if it could potentially be a very loving relationship, and I have to distance myself from them. I would like most to get rid of my physical fears, even kissing a guy seems impossible to me sometimes, because I do not want to feel like a slut, yet I can't seem to like anyone enough for a relationship. I guess I just wish there was some kind of twelve step program to work past this. If any of you can help me to learn to open up.. or overcome this I would greatly appreciate it.

And believe me, if I could afford a therapist, I would have gone by now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sounds

And believe me, if I could afford a therapist, I would have gone by now.

Everyone can afford one. Those wonderful taxes paid to your county go to the dept of health and human services where anyone can received psychological counseling at a price based on income. Also colleges or universities that offer masters in psych offer counseling at no cost since students need to "practice"

My guess is those things that you think aren't affecting you, are in fact affecting you. You shouldn't be turned off when someone approaches you or scared or apprehensive.

You may also be approaching this with too much brain and not enough gut and heart. If you over think everything you may be psyching yourself out. Desire, attraction and love don't come from a rational place they come from your heart. You may not be letting yourself go enough. Are you the sort of person who prefers to be in control of situations? Maybe dating makes you feel too out of control?

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

My guess is those things that you think aren't affecting you, are in fact affecting you.

... Are you the sort of person who prefers to be in control of situations? Maybe dating makes you feel too out of control?

I have considered that, but I don't know what to do about it. And as far as being out of control, I don't think that's my problem. I used to dig the whole drug scene, and loved it, but now respect my body too much for that. I'm a fairly go with the flow girl, I don't really feel like I'm any more in control now than I would be in a relationship.

Thank you for responding so fast, that was very encouraging.

It could also be the bar scene. I personally HATE being "hit on" at the bar. The guy could be my walking, talking ideal but I will walk away. To me it feels really, well - inappropriate? I always feel like the guy is basically only talking to me to see if he can get a one night stand somehow.

I'm always way more open to meeting people doing other things like my hobbies or even when I'm grocery shopping or at Target.

I think that a person who can ask themselves the question, "Am I overthinking this?" probably is. I wouldn't discount so easliy, the idea that the molestation has something to do with it. Clearly that event affected your trust in the male sex. I think that this mistrust mingled with the idea of your excessive over analyzation of the event has caused you to not just be disinterested in men but maybe also to freeze up or shut off, shall I say.

My advice would be to put yourself in the position to meet someone you would respect and have more of a tendency to trust. For example, coffee shops might be a better choice. They are full of intellectual people, analyticals, like yourself, people who may have a little more of an idea of who they are and what they want. Steadier, less frightening people maybe. We all know bars are traps for the desperate and lonely, and honestly, you not wanting to succumb is probably a good thing. Take heart, maybe you are growing away from that scene and feeling like you are ready to find someone you can share your life with, someone you can feel safe with.

You are clearly afraid of something though. If you are looking for a serious relationship, you are going to have to face that. I think that you may need a professional opinion on this one. I hope I was of some help to you.

Also, just a question... are you certain of sexuality? Do you think you may be interested in women?

I read your post with a few ideas in mind. A couple of things:

-Could it be that you are just a late bloomer? I know the crowd runs a certain way - but hey, everyone is different. You may just be one person who is not ready for a relationship yet. Keep up your interests, socialize, enjoy your friends, school.
-Your scary feelings could be related to several things, fear of getting close, getting rejected, etc. Just think of a guy as a friend not as a relationship. Don't even think relationship, think friend. Even if he likes you, you still need to get to know him as a friend - what he likes, he doesn't like, etc. You cannot trust someone unless you know them. Relax, find out who they are and then you'll feel more comfortable. This is part of learning about you and other people.

When you say relationship - do you mean like a steady, serious relationship? Because I know when people say relationship they sometimes mean meeting someone, yeah I like you, yeah I'll have sex with you, yeah it's over - and it lasted all of 3 months (or sometimes less). While this works for some people, it doesn't work for everyone. You might just be a person that is more reserved and needs to get to know someone slowly.
That's all right. When something doesn't feel right emotionally - try as we may - we cannot force ourselves to fit into a size 2 when we are really a size 4 - know what I mean?

You may just need time and you'll find what works best for you. I would consider the therapy though and other things to help you personally - books, seminars, classes - anything that will will help you learn and feel better about yourself. Take care.