Ask Me Help Desk - Breakup-No Contact

So, my boyfriend and I were together for 3 1/2 years. We broke up because he was starting to get distant and I picked a fight to try to get him to appreciate me... instead he said he thought we should breakup because he wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone and if we stayed together any longer, we'd have to get married and he's not ready for that (I'm 29, he's 25). So for the first 2 weeks of the breakup we saw each other a couple of times to talk about but it always ended badly. Then after that, he would call me twice a week to see how I was doing. Then about 5 weeks after the breakup I asked him to come pick up his stuff (we had lived together) and he came and we went out to dinner. I didn't get emotional. I played cool. He wants to stay friends. As I was leaving I told him that I can't be friends with him so please don't call me if you want to be just friends. And I said, "if you're not careful, you're going to lose me forever"... it wasn't an ultimatum... I played it pretty cool. I think. No tears, no nothing. Now its been 2 weeks since then. How long should I go with no contact? Forever? Or eventually, will I feel I can be friends with him? Why would he breakup with me and still want to be friends? I figure if you don't want to be in a relationship with me you don't get to keep me in your life for emotional support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by x074619

So, my bf and I were together for 3 1/2 years. We broke up because he was starting to get distant and I picked a fight to try to get him to appreciate me...instead he said he thought we should breakup because he wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone and if we stayed together any longer, we'd have to get married and he's not ready for that (i'm 29, he's 25). So for the first 2 weeks of the breakup we saw each other a couple of times to talk about but it always ended badly. Then after that, he would call me twice a week to see how I was doing. Then about 5 weeks after the breakup I asked him to come pick up his stuff (we had lived together) and he came and we went out to dinner. I didn't get emotional. I played cool. He wants to stay friends. As I was leaving I told him that I can't be friends with him so please don't call me if you want to be just friends. And I said, "if you're not careful, you're going to lose me forever"...it wasn't an ultimatum...i played it pretty cool. I think. No tears, no nothing. Now its been 2 weeks since then. How long should I go with no contact? Forever? Or eventually, will I feel I can be friends with him? Why would he breakup with me and still want to be friends? I figure if you don't want to be in a relationship with me you don't get to keep me in your life for emotional support.

I've been screwing myself for months now. Don't give him your support. If he doesn't want to be with you, don't be his friend NOT NOW. Maybe some day.Being involved with my ex has been draining me beyond belief. Please save yourself the grief that I have put myself through.Take care of yourself, and focus on the things that you want to do now. Even if its just an experiment.. Try anything!

I know no contact is the right thing to do. It just sucks. I've been casually dating and stuff, but I just can't stop thinking about him! Uggh!! Its just the rejection I feel I know that makes me feel this way. I just want him to be as miserable as I am. How can guys shut off their emotions so easily? This is the first time I've ever had my heart broken so I guess I had it coming. I just hope I can open up to the idea of someone else in my life.

I am a guy, and I can not believe what she is doing to me. She dating someone else and then downplaying it to make me hold on to the hope. We were a family We each have a child and were talking about the big picture. So the answers are all in trying to pick up the pieces of ourselves and seeing where they fit now. But they don't seem to fit because some of the pieces are them. Those are pieces of us that we lost and now have to find newness in us.. I don't know I'm lost too.

I got a mix of some of my posts people liked, hope it helps? I can say to you I have had contact with my ex and it has knocked me back a hell of a lot, so stay no contact for your own benefit. You only have one life so live it for yourself:I think its time to accept the harsh truth that its over and start the transition to single life. Its hard but

Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? More wary in the future and aware what we are looking for in a

Relationship and a person.

Treat your relationship as a life experience, you might not be able to treasure the memories you had right now but

One day you will. Do not regret but learn and move on, as someone much better is just around the next corner.

You must try follow these: (be strong)

1) Abide by no contact, ignorance is bliss so don't go near the 'grape vine'
2) Work on yourself entirely - hobbies, work, gym
3) Ever wanted to do something in your life? Nows the time
4) Spend more time with your friends and family and renew old social ties
5) Box every memory away and stay away from your fav songs for now - when you can look at it without feeling ill -

Ur halfway there!
6) Time does heal :P It just takes a god dam while, but don't mope at home, go out, party, exercise - helps a hell

Of a lot

You don't need anyone to be happy.

The best revenge is to be happy yourself :]

Forgive and move on.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Pay no attention to the faults of others,
Things done or left undone by others.
Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't

Learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be

Thankful.

You got to accept it. Delete everything and keep yourself busy. Here are things you can do right now:

1) Delete all his contact details + block him
2) Have a hot bath with nice scents
3) Listen to some of your fav music
4) Read a book
5) Watch a film
6) Go out and party
7) Spend more time with your friends and family
8) Have a good laugh + watch a comedy
9) Go out for a drive with your best friends - put all the windows down and put on some loud music and SING - I

Love doing this
10) Don't SIT AROUND AND MOPE
11) Get out of the house - Go for a walk, anything
12) Join the gym + workout + have a sauna
13) Book a holiday
14) Try new things - meet new people, sign up for a course
15) GO NO CONTACT NOW - STAY AWAY FROM THE GRAPE VINE, in time it will get easier but for now you need to keep

Busy and block him

Definitely take Jiser's advice. Typically I always feel I can add something after his post I believe he has said it best and said it all.

Jiser - Thank you! You are so right. I know. I've made it my goal to block the memories. Forget the good times. Remember all the bad stuff. I am so much better off without him... I know. It just hurts to think you know someone after 3 1/2 years and then they turn out to be someone completely different. He never cheated, he never lied... just one day, I guess, he stopped loving me. I know there's nothing wrong with me. And someday I will find someone who loves me completely. I just wait and hope for that person. Luckily, I've been preoccupied with casual dating (thanks to an online service)... and I actually find myself starting to open up. I had my second date with a guy today and I actually kissed him!. I actually kissed him without crying afterwards and feeling like I was cheating! I just pray for the day when I can actually say honestly that I wish my ex the best. But for now, I will continue to pray that my ex lives a life of misery and solitude. : )... haha, I was only half kidding about that part. : )

If for nothing else, I love this forum so that at least I can get all this off my chest without burdening my friends anymore or my ex with my crazy emotions. Thank you all. This really helps!

You know what I think will help too. This whole time I keep imagining this great time he's having and this great life he's living... when in fact, I have no idea what's going on with him. Rather than imagining how great he probably is, I'm going to focus on how great my life is going to be and imagine (even if its not necessarily true) what a horrible and miserable life he's having right now. As long as I stay away from the grapevine, I'll be none the wiser.

That's probably the best thing you can do. Who cares about what he's doing! The more you focus on living YOUR best life and YOUR happiness the easier and easier it will become. After my last bad breakup I sat down and made a list of all the things I've ever wanted to do and set out to cross at least one thing off my list a month. I started focusing on that list and expanding my life then on him. It made it a lot easier AND I did a lot of really cool, fun stuff.

I agree with you totally. You've said you don't want to be friends with him so stick to your guns. No contact all the way. You're not his buddy, that's what his guy friends are for. He either gets all of you or none of you. Keep doing what you've been doing. Move on with your life and don't let him string you along.

I know I'm doing the right thing. Its just hard. I wish at least he'd call so I can ignore him. Then I'd feel like I was doing something. Oh, how immature we get when it comes to matters of the heart! You're right though s_cianci, he gets all of me or none of me. I deserve more and better than he is willing to give me right now so he deserves nothing from me.

A ha! It appears as though you are "getting it" x074619!

I know how you feel. When you decide to go through this you want all of a sudden them to contact you just so you can do no contact.

right now just re-focus on your life. Spend time with friends and family and enjoy your hobbies and your life.

Glinda - You're an angel!

x74619 You and I are in the same boat. Don't sell yourself short. Do not call him it just gives them the upper hand in every way. 1st they don't have to wonder what your doing and miss you. 2nd it shows that you were the weak one. And as far as him calling you. Honestly that doesn't truly help either. My ex has broken No Contact like 10 times. And until she says I love you and want to work things out. It's all a bunch of HOOEY. I actually have never used that word before... But you know what I mean.

I know. That's the hardest part. I want him to call so I can ignore him. But then when I do decide to finally return his call or answer, I only want to hear the things I want to hear. I don't want to chit chat about his day.. blah blah blah. I want to hear, "I was an idiot, the grass isn't greener, I don't want to lose you forever". I think there is fat chance of that happening though... even if I know he's an idiot for letting me go... why can't he realize he's an idiot?? Yeah, I'm onto like Stage 3 which I think is anger. I cried for a month straight. Now month 2 is focusin on anger and hatred. I'm almost getting to the part of feeling sorry for him for being such a loser. I can't wait!

Quote:

Originally Posted by x074619

Rather than imagining how great he probably is, I'm going to focus on how great my life is going to be and imagine (even if its not necessarily true) what a horrible and miserable life he's having right now. As long as I stay away from the grapevine, i'll be none the wiser.

Yes! Think of how fortunate you are not to be wasting any more of your precious life on a jackass like him, and definitely do not listen to the grapevine. See, you're already wiser!