Well this is my story:
I've been going out with an older guy. I'm 18 and he's 33. Our relationship is good. But sometimes he does this thing where he disappears. He doesn't call me or text me or anything for a whole day. Most of the time he's either drinking or doing drugs type ! He did that on Sunday and today he got mad. Saying that I need to stop trying to control him and that just because he doesn't call doesn't mean he's dead or something like that. But it hurts when he says these things to me because all I want is to take care of him. I don't want him to drink. And when he does this... I end up getting really depressed and have thoughts of suicide or thoughts of cutting (which I'm trying to stop!! ) I love this man so much! He is my first boyfriend the first person I love and the person I lost my virginity to. I'm afraid he's bored of me. That he realizes that he already got what he wanted so now he can leave me and forget me. It just hurts soooo bad. And every day I feel like I'm losing myself little by little... I just can't take it sometimes! Even my friends tel me that I look sad all the time and they want to see me happy again. I just don't know what to do! I don't want to leave him! He's my everything!! Sometimes I just wish I could die... maybe then I wouldn't be a bother to him anymore... I don't know I just need someone to help me!

You need to get this man out of your life immediately. He is not a good person for you to be around. Someone who abuses alcohol and drugs and treat you as if you are not important is not a good boyfriend. You deserve to be loved, cherished and treated with respect. You deserve to be loved the way you need to be love. No one has the right to diminish your feelings and make you feel bad enough to cut yourself.

Please run far away from him. Also, cutting is very serious behavior. Have you ever spoken to a counselor? They would be able to help you feel better about yourself and not feel the need to cut.

I'm to scared to! Not that he would ever hurt me. I'm just scared to lose him... ive just grown tooo attached to him. He sais he loves me.. but some times I just hear him say it.. but I don't feel it.

No I've never seen a counselor. I don't want to go on medications or nothing like that. I don't want anyone else to know.

Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. His actions are not those of love.

What are you scared of? Are you scared that you won't have anyone else? That's nothing to worry about. You will find someone who really loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. What you are saying is that you are simply addicted to him. Well any addiction is bad too much of anything is bad. You need to go cold turkey on this. What he does start to physically abuse you? Would you stay then? You need to set boundaries for yourself.

Please reconsider seeing a counselor. If you do not want to take drugs they will not force you. There job is not to get you on drugs its to help you deal with things in your life and help you see when you are doing things that are negatively effecting you. The fact that you do not want to admit to the cutting scares me greatly. Keeping behaviors secret is not good. I feel very concerned for you. Are your parents still in your life? Do you have good relationships with anyone in your family?

That's exactly what I'm scared of! I mean I had a few guys wanting to go out with me but I ended up choosing HIM. But at first he was loving. He would ask me what was wrong if I was sad. He was there for me. Now.. its like he's over it because he already got sex. So I think... was he only nice to me to get what he wanted? Is that it. As for physicall abuse.. he wouldn't. I mean I've been around it since I was little. So to me it's a kind of norm. I remember saying once "if i annoy you just tell me to shut up, and if you want you can hit me. im used to being around it anyways"... yeah he was mad and said to never tell him that again because I meant the world to him . And he would never hurt me.

I've admitted to my cutting... I have a few friends who know. And HE knows... my parents found out last year. They just pretended nothing was wrong. So we never talked about it. Right now my relationship with them is really bad. They say they are tired of me and my brother. That they want to leave... ive heard them talking about it in secret!

Okay. Your boyfriend USED to treat you good. You should never stay with someone because they used to treat you good. You stay because they always treat you good. Not sometimes, not every now and again. Your boyfriend should make you feel good all the time. You should not spend more time upset, crying feeling hurt then you do feeling good. Its quite possible that he wanted to sleep with and he did sleep with you and now he is done. Some guys are jerks. It doesn't mean that you are not worth loving. All it means is this clown didn't care about all the wonderful things about you, he only cared about one thing.

I still think you would benefit from a counselor. Growing up in an abusive environment has effects on you now whether you realize it or not. If you can't afford it you can contact the dept of health and human services and your town. They have counselors who work there where you pay on a sliding scale. You can get help for as little as $5. Local colleges and universities with graduate degrees in psychology are even better. Students getting advanced degrees in psych need to practice and you can be a patient for them at no cost. There is no reason to not get help. Not only with the cutting but you also seem to suffer from low self esteem.

Girls your age who go through this really break my heart. I know how hard it is to be confronted with a first love who used you. I wish I could just give you a hug and let you know it will be okay.

I have to leave but I will be on later. So if I don't reply to a message don't think that I stopped caring I just will be away from my computer.

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Originally Posted by Princess_gama

well this is my story:
I've been going out with an older guy. I'm 18 and hes 33. our relationship is good. but sometimes he does this thing where he disappears. he doesn't call me or text me or anything for a whole day. most of the time hes either drinking or doing drugs type ! he did that on Sunday and today he got mad. saying that i need to stop trying to control him and that just because he doesn't call doesn't mean hes dead or something like that. but it hurts when he says these things to me because all i want is to take care of him. i don't want him to drink. and when he does this...i end up getting really depressed and have thoughts of suicide or thoughts of cutting (which I'm trying to stop!!!) i love this man so much! he is my first boyfriend the first person i love and the person i lost my virginity to. I'm afraid hes bored of me. that he realizes that he already got what he wanted so now he can leave me and forget me. it just hurts soooo bad. and every day i feel like I'm loosing myself little by little...i just can't take it sometimes! even my friends tel me that i look sad all the time and they want to see me happy again. i just don't know what to do!! i don't want to leave him! hes my everything!!!!! sometimes i just wish i could die...maybe then i wouldn't be a bother to him anymore...i don't know i just need someone to help me!

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You know pricess. It's so ironic that your user name is princess because you know sometimes we have to cherish and love ourselves so much that we won't settle for less. I feel that you really have to believe in you and have enough self worth to make some hard but good decisions in our life. I am the right one to talk because I went through a similar situation myself

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

okay. your boyfriend USED to treat you good. You should never stay with someone because they used to treat you good. You stay because they always treat you good. Not sometimes, not every now and again. Your boyfriend should make you feel good all the time. You should not spend more time upset, crying feeling hurt then you do feeling good. Its quite possible that he wanted to sleep with and he did sleep with you and now he is done. Some guys are jerks. It doesn't mean that you are not worth loving. All it means is this clown didn't care about all the wonderful things about you, he only cared about one thing.

I still think you would benefit from a counselor. Growing up in an abusive environment has effects on you now whether you realize it or not. If you can't afford it you can contact the dept of health and human services and your town. They have counselors who work there where you pay on a sliding scale. You can get help for as little as $5. Local colleges and universities with graduate degrees in psychology are even better. Students getting advanced degrees in psych need to practice and you can be a patient for them at no cost. There is no reason to not get help. Not only with the cutting but you also seem to suffer from low self esteem.

Girls your age who go through this really break my heart. I know how hard it is to be confronted with a first love who used you. I wish I could just give you a hug and let you know it will be okay.

I have to leave but I will be on later. so if I don't reply to a message don't think that I stopped caring I just will be away from my computer.

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Thank you sooo much for your help. I'm hopefully going to talk with him today. We were talking earlyer but he hung up on me while I was talking. The really hard part is that we work in the same place:( so its really sad seeing him there,
But I really want to try and move on. Its just really hard right now. You've helped me so much. Thank you. I appreciate it :]

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Originally Posted by specialwendy

you know pricess. It's so ironic that your user name is princess because you knw sometimes we have to cherish and love ourselves so much that we wont settle for less. I feel that you really have to believe in you and have enough self worth to make some hard but good decisions in our life. I am the right one to talk because I went through a similar situation myself

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I chose this name because that's the nick name I gave him. Weird huh? Its hard for me to have to think about myself though. I'm used to thinking of others first and me later. I get hurt a lot but as long as others are okay then to me it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be selfish so that's why I never put myself first.

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Originally Posted by Princess_gama

i chose this name because thats the nick name i gave him. weird huh? its hard for me to have to think about myself though. im used to thinking of others first and me later. i get hurt a lot but as long as others are okay then to me its the right thing to do. i dont want to be selfish so thats why i never put myself first.

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That is trapping that most women fall into. We put others feelings, needs, wants and dreams ahead of our own. To put your wants, needs, feelings and dreams before anyone else's is not being selfish its saying I love myself enough to know that I deserve to have my wants, needs and dreams fulfilled and that my feelings are valid. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You deserve happiness. It's a hard concept for a lot of women to get. You deserve good things in life, you really do. There is no reason for you to spend one minute unhappy in your life. If something is making you unhappy and you have the ability to change that thing, why wouldn't you? If anything gets in the way of you loving yourself and respecting yourself you just knock that thing away from you.

Princess to make others happy you must first be happy yourself! I was in a similar relationship with a nut who stayed spun out all the time. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE trust me on this. It got so bad for me I was stuck in Cali with no $ just the cloths on my back no ID and trying to get home to Texas. Things can get really bad. As to the not calling for a whole day I don't think that's to big of a deal I mean you guys aren't married or any thing right? I am now in a relationship with a man 21 yrs older than me and he is great things will work out for you it just takes time. There are so many men out there who will treat you good don't take s*it from just this one leave him he is not worthy.

get Rid Of Him!!

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Originally Posted by CorrieNB

Princess to make others happy you must first be happy your self! I was in a similar relationship with a nut who stayed spun out all the time. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE trust me on this. It got so bad for me I was stuck in Cali with no $ just the cloths on my back no ID and trying to get home to Texas. Things can get realy bad. As to the not calling for a whole day I dont think thats to big of a deal I mean you guys arent married or any thing right? I am now in a relationship with a man 21 yrs older than me and he is great things will work out for you it just takes time. There are so many men out there who will treat you good dont take s*it from just this one leave him he is not worthy.

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We are actually engaged. Yeah. We were in the process of planning our wedding... but I decided to leave him alone for a few days. I understand why he's acting this way... about 3 months ago he lost his 10 year old son to cancer... its hard on him to accept it. The other day I told him it would be okay and he lost it! He yelled at me saying "how can you say that to me?!!! i never want to stop loving him and i never want to stop missing him!!" I never meant for him to take it the wrong way. And he's been acting mean because its his way of coping with the loss... I hurt him... and I deserve to be punished for hurting him so bad... I just wish that things could go back to how they used to be. Back to when a small kiss and holding hands was enough to make him happy... back to when I smiled... but I'm scared that we will never go back to that.

Right now I'm trying to find a councelor its really hard though. Because I don't want my parents to know so I'm keeping it from them. But the hard part is how am I going to pay for it? I can't do anything on my own! And I'm starting to feel like I'm falling apart...

I just read your OP, seems like he has no good qualities at all.
Why would you like him?
I think to like someone it has to have many reasons... just my opinion, I could be wrong, but why would you like a man who does drug and drinks a lot?

Do you have guts?

This is gonna take guts.



Princess, if you are truly going to live like a princess you might want something that seems more obvious to an outsider than to you right now:

Your relationship will never ever ever never ever ever never never ever never never never ever ever never ever ever never never ever never never never ever ever never ever ever never never ever never never never ever ever never ever ever never never ever never never never ever ever never ever ever never never ever never never ever....work.


I know you love him, but he is not stable and right now neither are you.
So... even if he goes to rehab, it will be a lifelong battle and he does not seem to have basic civility with you on a daily basis.

If you talk to your parents they will understand. I hope. Regardless, This will take many months to get over - so be prepared for it to not be easy. But you need a THERAPIST - NOW. For recovery from this relationship and for cutting... (Their are resources available and often your doctor can give you names.. )

I am glad you reached out, and I hope it is possible for you to get on the road to recovery. It will not be easy, but choosing another road will be far worse.

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Originally Posted by Princess_gama

right now im trying to find a councelor its really hard though. but the hard part is how am i gonna pay for it?! i can't do anything on my own! and im starting to feel like im falling apart...

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Princess I told you exactly how to do so. It will can cost you nothing to as little as $5 a session.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

If you can't afford it you can contact the dept of health and human services and your town. They have counselors who work there where you pay on a sliding scale. You can get help for as little as $5. Local colleges and universities with graduate degrees in psychology are even better. Students getting advanced degrees in psych need to practice and you can be a patient for them at no cost. There is no reason to not get help. Not only with the cutting but you also seem to suffer from low self esteem.

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Originally Posted by Princess_gama

We are actually engaged. yeah. we were in the process of planning our wedding...but i decided to leave him alone for a few days. i understand why hes acting this way...about 3 months ago he lost his 10 year old son to cancer...its hard on him to accept it. the other day i told him it would be okay and he lost it! he yelled at me saying "how can you say that to me?!!! i never want to stop loving him and i never want to stop missing him!!" i never meant for him to take it the wrong way. and hes been acting mean because its his way of coping with the loss...i hurt him...and i deserve to be punished for hurting him so bad...i just wish that things could go back to how they used to be. back to when a small kiss and holding hands was enought to make him happy...back to when i smiled...but im scared that we will never go back to that.

right now im trying to find a councelor its really hard though. because i dont want my parents to know so im keeping it from them. but the hard part is how am i gonna pay for it?! i can't do anything on my own! and im starting to feel like im falling apart...

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Girl believe me I know how you fell no matter how bad my X was to me for some odd reason I always wanted to stay looking back at it now all I remember are the bad things wich took up 99% of the relationship any ways and we to were engaged for about a year I can't say for sure but I truly hope you see the light before you are in a flucked up situation like I was.I understand he went and is still going through a hard time over the loss of his son. But he is misplacing his hurt on you and that is not healthy. It can easly turn to violance and that's when the S*IT really hits the fan. You will have many bruises and un happy visits to the emergency room each time thinking it only happened once I know as you read this you are like this won't happen to me and I know no matter what any one says to you you will stay until you are ready to leave him but know this you are not alone :p

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Originally Posted by nicespringgirl

I just read your OP, seems like he has no good qualities at all.
Why would you like him?
I think to like someone it has to have many reasons...just my opinion, I could be wrong, but why would you like a man who does drug and drinks a lot?

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When I first met him. He was the nicest man in the world. He has a sense of humor always smiling and laughing. He was the first person EVER to tell he he loved me (not even my parents have told me they love me!! ) but I didn't just see the happy person he was. I also saw sadness in his eyes. And I wanted to help him. And friendship turned to love. And I just found out through my friend that he is still at his ex's house :(

Oh kiddo. This is no good. You cannot save someone they have to want to help themselves. Young girls fall into this trap so often. You cannot rescue him or make yourself responsible for his happiness.

If he is at his ex's house why are you not ending this? Darling I really think he is stringing you along.

Would you do me a favor? Call your local dept of health and human services and inquire about counseling, please?

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Originally Posted by CorrieNB

Girl believe me I know how you fell no matter how bad my X was to me for some odd reason I always wanted to stay looking back at it now all I remember are the bad things wich took up 99% of the relationship any ways and we to were engaged for about a year I can't say for sure but I truly hope you see the light before you are in a flucked up situation like I was.I understand he went and is still going through a hard time over the loss of his son. But he is misplacing his hurt on you and that is not healthy. It can easly turn to violance and thats when the S*IT realy hits the fan. You will have many bruises and un happy visits to the emergency room each time thinking it only happened once I know as you read this you are like this wont happen to me and i know no matter what any one says to you you will stay untill you are ready to leave him but know this you are not alone :p

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Thank you so much. My storry really does sound a lot like yours. Its very hard because he's my first love. He texted me last night saying he loved me. I told him I loved him too with all my heart. I'm trying hard to let go. But when ever I look at pictured of the two of us... I can't help but start crying... and my heart breaks again. And then I wish I had never met him... because if I hadn't I would never have felt this way... but then I regret wishing that and just pray that he will find the right path. I already took 3 days off work so that I don't see him for a while. My manager talked to me and said that I need to leave HIM alone for a while. And I know that. Yet, its still so hard to not look at that cell and dial his #... even though he never answers my calls anymore... but like I told my best friend. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone. I want to be the old me! The girl who always smiled and was happy... I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND I DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO SMILE AGAIN!! And even though its going to take me some time. I know I can do it! Time will heal all.