Ask Me Help Desk - Was I a substitute for his first love and does he hate me now !

Please be kind enough and comment on this, I know it is long...

I knew him 2 years ago. He was passing through a very hard time because of a long love story that had no hope to end happily dew to family complications from the other side. I don't deny that I liked him from the first while I saw him but it was OK for me when he mentioned his story so that time I just sympathized with him and carried no other feelings except real friendship and care.

I gave him support and hope during the hard time he had . But after some time he suggested that we should get closer, I refused because I can't do it while he is still in a love relation. He was insisting on me all the time, begging me and all I was thinking how can a man be in real love with a girl which he claims to be his only and real love and go with another. My refusal was to be honest and not hurt the other girl although she was far in another country and I thought also that he was just passing through a very hard time and doesn't know what he is doing, so I refused to be the bad girl for both sides. But I won't deny that he showed me all care when he was trying to get closer.

Later he broke up with her and came to say that he loves me and when I asked how and since when he said that was since those days I was supporting him.

This thing has shocked me because how come he can forget this fast his first love and switch to another. His generosity and his kind treatment made me fall in love with him and I never wanted to leave him. In fact I started to love him since I saw his honesty with his first love but I never told him. I was very skeptical about his love to me and I expressed my fears to him that maybe he was compensating for his old love but he refused such a thing saying this won't be fair for him or for me !

To prove his good intensions and honesty he asked me to become his wife but another problem emerged here, he was rejected by my family and it was really hard on him as well as on me especially that it was the same problem with his previous story.

I told him that it seems there is no chance for us and that we would rather stay friends. He hated me that time and when I talked to him he explained the bitterness he feels and to ease the case he asked me to stay close as we were before but I refused cause it seems I will have allot of problems with my family. As a reaction he said it would be better for us to stay away and avoid seeing each other and even avoid contacting each other.

But that was hard on me too so I suggested that we would rather stay friends because I felt guilty for causing him that pain more over I still love him.. So as though I broke up with him but in a friendly way.

I know I caused him a lot of pain especially that this reminded him of his problem with his former love . Being angry after break up he kept saying that she was his real love and great love!

After few weeks of breakup I missed him again and started to text him and ask about his news. He answered me but not as usuall. He was very serious in his answers , very tough, no smilies no good wishes and no sense of care even!

Even though I sent him a message and told him that I want him back and that I can't forget him and that I still love him.He answered that such words can never affect him again and that he tried with me all he could and I did nothing to get him and he wished me good luck. I was hurt a lot because he was very tough and I knew there was something wrong.

Later I called him and he said he is involved in a serious relation with another girl. I was shocked and made him feel I was deadly jealous. Which made him angry and he asked me not to contact him or call him any more and that I became noisy and I was never able to follow our previous agreement of staying friends and forget our past love.

He is not bad I know him very well but he is very sensitive and very well affected by his previous relation which occurred to resemble that one he made with me.

Now I suffer not only from the pain of break up although I am the one who broke up in the first place I then asked him to be back.

Now I suffer from ideas like was his relation with me a sort of compensation of the previous one since he took no break after his break up with her . He said he loved me while he was still in love with her, can this be logic , was I so stupid... was that a kind of cure for him!!

Or was it a real love as he claimed and I know he never lies. And was his recent plan to get involved in a new relation a kind of revenge from all what happened to him? Can this be. Does he hate me and I need a man to answer this question if you passed through what he passed with me will you still have any love to me in your heart. Was his last reaction to make his life flow normally only and avoid repeating the same mistakes... The worst thing I would ask was he playing! In fact I can't think of this because he was very honest and kind man.

I just want to know what sort of memories can he have about me, am I a lover , am I silly , am I noisy and this what I fear most.

I need your comments because I can't put myself in his shoes to feel what he felt and at least understand and accept his actions. This can teach me how to forgive him bacasue I still love him...

Thanks

As romantic as you made that sound you both were so shallow and selfish, neither of you could see the other for what they are. Every female he talks to he charms his way into their hearts, and when there is the slightest glitch he's off to his next crutch. That makes him more lovable to you, because you hang around under the guise of friends until his charms sway you yet again, so you never get over him and only see the charm. You both are immature and carried away by the thoughts of love, but you are strangers playing a role, and could use a dose of reality, and an honest look as to how unhealthy you both are. Sorry, all the good writing in the world will make this work out like the romance novel your living in.

Tal - I got to spread the love.. you are spot on.

I have to think that he is easily infatuated and he seems to jump from woman to woman claiming that each is his love. I think that you are much better off without a person such as this in your life. For he seems to move on from his deep, passionate love rather quickly don't you think?

I suggest you find another man who is more suitable for you. Also since your family didn't approve I cannot imagine your relationship would have gone very far.

He's a nut case and you're a romantic looking for someone to save. Both of you are immature. One minute you love then you don't, then you feel bad for not loving so you love again. Neither one of you need to be dating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

As romantic as you made that sound you both were so shallow and selfish, neither of you could see the other for what they are. Every female he talks to he charms his way into their hearts, and when there is the slightest glitch he's off to his next crutch. That makes him more lovable to you, because you hang around under the guise of friends until his charms sway you yet again, so you never get over him and only see the charm. You both are immature and carried away by the thoughts of love, but you are strangers playing a role, and could use a dose of reality, and an honest look as to how unhealthy you both are. Sorry, all the good writing in the world will make this work out like the romance novel your living in.

Dear talaniman

But I think I hurt him too, because I didn't try my best to convince my family because it was hard on me that time. He thought I didn't work hard to win him so I don't deserve him. He made me love him and he never gave up. He only gave up when he thought I made nothing to deserve him I mean persuading my family. To him I was careless although I wasn't atoll...

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Tal - I got to spread the love.. you are spot on.

I have to think that he is easily infatuated and he seems to jump from woman to woman claiming that each is his love. I think that you are much better off without a person such as this in your life. For he seems to move on from his deep, passionate love rather quickly don't you think?

I suggest you find another man who is more suitable for you. Also since your family didn't approve I cannot imagine your relationship would have gone very far.

Dear GlinaofOZ

He knew his first love and then he was broken, then he knew me and was broken exactly by the same way " family problem" and now he will choose his wife without love cause he is done with love which seemed to be fake for him. So he wasn't jumping, he is very handsome and was surrounded with beautiful girls but he never used them. He always said to all my mind is busy with my love!! So I don't think he was playing!

Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He's a nut case and you're a romantic looking for someone to save. Both of you are immature. One minute you love then you don't, then you feel bad for not loving so you love again. Neither one of you need to be dating.

Dear

He used to tell that I immature as you just said about me , but also I was not sure he forgot his old love. This made me so confused although he explained that he can never think of her if we had the chance to become togther forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He's a nut case and you're a romantic looking for someone to save. Both of you are immature. One minute you love then you don't, then you feel bad for not loving so you love again. Neither one of you need to be dating.

Dear

I felt sad when you accused me of loving one minute and then I don't and the same for him.
First my reaction to him was because I was afraid he was not sure of his feeling so I gave him chance to make sure and he was honest.

When I told him we can stay friends it is because I was obliged to do so by my family's actions which turned to be harsh on me.

His reaction as I understand is a kind of broken heart revenge.

Am I wrong, is my analysis too much un logic, I don't know my love to him makes me defend him even though I was broken by his harsh words and reactions recently, am I that crazy or stupid!!

Dear

Since you are an expert can you advice me what to do when I see him cause I can't get away, we work in the same place and I expect to hear his future plans and this might kill me. Give me some advice on how to look strong and unaffected please.. :(
I will be very thankful.

talaniman do you think he might think of me again or no!

First off, I really think getting over him, and see things more objectively is the place to start. I don't know how old you, are or why your family rejects him, but I can say I do not for a minute believe he is ready for a serious relationship, and I'm almost certain neither are you. Being around someone so much with such intense feelings is very difficult, but limiting your contact is a must, especially as friends, until you are at a point where your emotions are not getting in the way of your judgement. You don't want to hear his future plans, or anything to do with his love life, and you should be bold enough to say so. He may not understand, but it doesn't matter, so long as he doesn't talk to you about his personal life. You need to heal, so that you can be realistic and clear ,in your thinking and decision making processes. It's a giant red flag when a fellow can move so easily between females, and declare his love and what you take as honesty, I think he is good at telling people what they want to hear, and then manipulates them to believe whatever he says, so he can tell you anything. This is not an honest approach to friendship, or anything resembling good will, or caring. Heal, so you can see him for what he really is, and make better decisions for yourself. How old are you two??

Girl don't waste your time worrying about him. His going from woman to woman in short periods is his choice, his doing, not yours. He has problems that have nothing to do with you.
Did it ever occur to you that if both your family and this other family did not like him, there is a reason for it? Don't beat yourself up over this guy, he has made you feel guilty and there is no reason to. Get that notion of love out of your sysytem. This guy is bad news.
Move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

First off, I really think getting over him, and see things more objectively is the place to start. I don't know how old you, are or why your family rejects him, but I can say I do not for a minute believe he is ready for a serious relationship, and I'm almost certain neither are you. Being around someone so much with such intense feelings is very difficult, but limiting your contact is a must, especially as friends, until you are at a point where your emotions are not getting in the way of your judgement. You don't want to hear his future plans, or anything to do with his love life, and you should be bold enough to say so. He may not understand, but it doesnt matter, so long as he doesn't talk to you about his personal life. You need to heal, so that you can be realistic and clear ,in your thinking and decision making processes. Its a giant red flag when a fellow can move so easily between females, and declare his love and what you take as honesty, I think he is good at telling people what they want to hear, and then manipulates them to believe whatever he says, so he can tell you anything. This is not an honest approach to friendship, or anything resembling good will, or caring. Heal, so you can see him for what he really is, and make better decisions for yourself. How old are you two????

Me and him are 30 year old!

Old enough to judge right and we are not supposed to act like that, but we are both very sensitive...

He was rejected because of being of a different nationality! The same reason with his first love.

I think he is fed up from such reactions, don't you think so? Talaniman he wanted me as a wife how you would say he was not ready for a serious relationship.

Anyway thanks allot, I am not objecting on what you said, but you know for sure how I feel,

Thanks 4 advising and I will do my best follow the rules :)

Well 30 years old, he is awfully immature. And if families are rejecting him because of his nationality, why does he continue to date women of a different nationality? This is just his way of not having to commit. He goes where he knows he won't be accepted so he can move on to the next one. I know guys like this. They are users. They make you feel bad so they can walk away like it was your fault it didn't work. He is a loser and a user.
Get wise, meet someone decent and put this clown behind you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well 30 years old, he is awfully immature. And if families are rejecting him because of his nationality, why does he continue to date women of a different nationality? This is jut his way of not having to commit. He goes where he knows he won't be accepted so he can move on to the next one. I know guys like this. They are users. hey make you feel bad so they can walk away like it was your fault it didn't work. He is a loser and a user.
Get wise, meet someone decent and put this clown behind you.

Thanks homegirl 50 , you know when he was rejected he said I am repeating the same mistake I did in the first time, I mean proposing to a girl from another nationality which makes him rejected. He said that he should have learnt from his previous experience, but he continued cause we were getting so close and we had hope that it is in gods hands and not in ours. If god wants us to be together then nothing will stop that.

Any way homegirl 50, it seems it is really helpful that someone makes me believe he was bad and making use of me although only god knows what were his real intensions. This might help me because it would be helpful to hate in order to forget rather than keep loving which makes me stuck in a circle of pain and suffer. I knew that he will get married soon from a girl that was chosen by the help of his family, it seems all of that was to help their son stand again and continue his life. It is really hard to see him a husband to another girl. He is getting ready now while I feel empty and useless.

I can't talk, eat or work, I lost the trust in something called love and this made me hate the idea of thinking of marriage even, life became horrible but I should not make him distroy years of it.

May I ask you a question , how old are you ? Are you as old as me or younger?

I must adjust my thinking as here as in America 30 year olds make their own life decisions. But my opinion is that if your culture requires certain things of you, then the choice is not yours. Is it?

I am 54 years old. So I am old enough to be your mother. I have a 26 year old daughter.
I hope you just get this man out of your system. I don't think you need a man who's family must arrange a wife for him to help him stand on his own feet.
I still think, he knows his customs but he want wanting to just play around before he had to marry.
You will find someone else that does not come with a lot of drama.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I must adjust my thinking as here as in America 30 year olds make their own life decisions. But my opinion is that if your culture requires certain things of you, then the choice is not yours. Is it??

Yes in my culture you should listen to your parents and obey them cause they know what would be good from bad to you.

But their rejection was because his passport has no qualifications in our country although neither me or him live in our country. They are afraid that they will not be able to see me becase my children will be holding the same passport, and this nationality is not welcomed in my country due to political issues. They didn't reject him for his manners or personality.

Taliman I just need an answer: if a man is rejected for a silly reason as he believes can he easily think of fast marrieg as a revenge ? Can this be to show that he is able to do it and is not in need of me. Can a man exchange all the love in his heart with hate just because he felt the other part didn't do the needed effort to have him. He said it was in my hands and I was careless.

Shifting the blame from his own shortcomings, to you is not a sign of love ,care or consideration and is a red flag to me as to his true motives and character, as well as his possible future behavior. What country are you both from, and where are you now?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Shifting the blame from his own shortcomings, to you is not a sign of love ,care or consideration and is a red flag to me as to his true motives and character, as well as his possible future behavior. What country are you both from, and where are you now?

We are from the middle east, neighbor arab countries but we live in a nother arab counrty. I don't know if you find it easy to analyze things according to our culture. I asked you cause feelings, love, women and men reactions are the same all over the world.

Talaniman he didn't blame me by telling harsh words, I have seen his tears when he was rejected. He was borken and very angry.

Maybe western men reaction is not the same to eastern. The dilema here is that if he came back to me I still can do nothing. Which can explain why he needs to move over and ignore me .He doesn't want to waste time spining around the same problem. What do you think, is my analysis strange. By the way I have been told the same explanation by his close friend but I just want to believe this is true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Shifting the blame from his own shortcomings, to you is not a sign of love ,care or consideration and is a red flag to me as to his true motives and character, as well as his possible future behavior. What country are you both from, and where are you now?

We are from the middle east, neighbor arab countries but we live in another arab counrty. I don't know if you find it easy to analyze things according to our culture. I asked you cause feelings, love, women and men reactions are the same all over the world.

Talaniman he didn't blame me by telling harsh words, I have seen his tears when he was rejected. He was borken and very angry.

Maybe western men reaction is not the same to eastern. The dilema here is that if he came back to me I still can do nothing. Which can explain why he needs to move over and ignore me .He doesn't want to waste time spining around the same problem. What do you think, is my analysis strange? By the way I have been told the same explanation by his close friend but I just want to believe this is true.

I think he is just a weak man, and this is not a man you need. Whether he marries another or not, for what ever reason, this is the type of man who will keep you questioning yourself every time he has a problem.
Your best bet is to forget about him. There is the potential for too much drama.
This was not a good match from the start.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think he is just a weak man, and this is not a man you need. Whether he marries another or not, for what ever reason, this is the type of man who will keep you questioning yourself every time he has a problem.
Your best bet is to forget about him. There is the potential for too much drama.
This was not a good match from the start.

I had the plessure to have your advice, it is really nice to have someone sharing you the bad times, give an honest advice and I am happy to have the chance to deal with you.

Thanks :)

I wish you the very best dear one. Keep your head up. There is a man out there for you.
I wish you well.

Quote:

He said it was in my hands and I was careless.

Sounds like blame to me and you accepting it is wrong, as you didn't reject him your parents did. You have two choices as I see it, do as your parents say, or do what you want, and hope they understand. Either way in my culture, its not that easy for caring people to hop from one to another without emotional consequense. Marrying for revenge is insane, and if he is capable of that, you better see what else he is capable of, and I suspect he has a hidden agenda for his choices.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds like blame to me and you accepting it is wrong, as you didn't reject him your parents did. You have two choices as I see it, do as your parents say, or do what you want, and hope they understand. Either way in my culture, its not that easy for caring people to hop from one to another without emotional consequense. Marrying for revenge is insane, and if he is capable of that, you better see what else he is capable of, and I suspect he has a hidden agenda for his choices.

Yes you are right, things are becoming more clear to me now, thank you a lot, I was happy to get your advices :)